On December 9th, in the internal training salon class of the heart manager, Dr. Guan Xin showed everyone the psychodrama techniques commonly used in the family heart management system in the way of real case drills!
Among them, Mr. Qiao Mu volunteered to take the stage and became the protagonist of the psychological drama.
Demonstrate some of the conflicts that exist between yourself and your mother.
After the course, Mr. Qiao Mu, as the protagonist of the psychological drama, had more feelings to express, so there was this summary.
After watching it, Dr. Guan Xin felt the true feelings flowing in it, which can not only inspire readers with similar mother-daughter conflicts, but also let the psychological counselor feel the techniques of Guan Xin's psychological drama.
Therefore, after obtaining the consent of Mr. Qiao Mu, the full text of the summary of this psychological drama will be transformed!
Once again, I would like to express my sincere thanks to Mr. Qiao Mu!
Preface
On Saturday afternoon, December 9th, I didn't know anything about psychodrama and didn't even know much about these three words, so I participated in the Guan Xinying Psychodrama Reality Drill Salon.
In the Guan Xin Win Family ** system created by Dr. Guan Xin, psychodrama is a very important step to see and resolve conflicts and deeply heal family relationships.
Dr. Guan Xin was the counselor and director of the psychodrama exercise, and he didn't communicate any specific questions with me before, just told me to prepare a problem that I wanted to solve.
In this exercise, as a client of psychological counseling, I wanted to deal with the relationship with my mother.
The people who came to participate in the drills and performances were all psychological counselors, and many of them were even meeting for the first time.
Everything is unknown.
I felt fresh, a little apprehensive, and a little expectant.
Mother-daughter relationship issues
The question of "relationship with my mother" is a major issue that has tormented me for thirty or forty years, affected the first half of my life, and may continue to affect the second half of my life, and may even be the first issue to be solved in my life.
Last year, I happened to read a book called "Beyond the Mother-Daughter Relationship That Makes You Suffer - Understanding Marginal Mothers". The book details four types of mothers with borderline personalities, namely the wanderer, the recluse, the queen, and the witch mother. It describes in detail the spouses of these four types of mothers, what their most valued children and least valued children are, and how to get along with these four types of mothers as children and spouses.
It's like drowning. In her, you will see a darkness that sucks you in and engulfs you whole......And unfathomable......Because, she is your mother. ”
The opening paragraph is my true feeling.
My mother was a dark abyss in which I was up and down, trying to get ashore, and when I was nearing the halfway point of my life, I was just getting out of the water and taking a few breaths of fresh air.
A year before, I had retraced my previous life relationship with my mother through hypnosis, and I felt relieved and relieved of the heavy oppression that enveloped my whole body. Later, I tried Sita healing, family energy cleansing, meditation, etc., and did some simple explorations, and I felt that I had let go of a lot.
However, when I arrived at the scene, I still felt that the problem came out all of a sudden, and it did not disappear completely.
Choose a role
Dr. Guan Xin asked me to pick two to play me and my mother.
I didn't know what was going on, so I picked up the young boy Eiji to play me, maybe he seemed sensitive and introverted, which was very similar to my nature, and at the same time a thought flashed through my mind that I hoped he would not feel offended.
Then I chose Fu Yu, the young girl closest to me, to play my mother. I don't know why I chose her, in the state of immediacy, I didn't think about it, I just chose her.
The first grievance
Dr. Guan Xin asked me to recount a conflict incident, and I suddenly remembered that since junior high school, my mother had specially dragged me into my room and started complaining to me.
Dr. Guan Xin asked me to stand in my mother's place, to the me played by Youngji, in the language of my mother at the time.
From the first time I complained to me, I became my mother's dark emotional trash can. My grandfather went to participate in the War to Resist US Aggression and Aid Korea when she was half a year old and died, she had never seen her father since she was a child, she was dragged home from the first-grade class by her stepfather and could not go to school, and she did not get any support from her mother, so she was forced to take her younger brothers, do housework, farm and chop wood, like a long-term worker in the old society, and was scolded for not doing a good job in a small matter, and was even cursed by her stepfather for no reason, and was bullied and discriminated against by the villagers. She missed her father when she felt wronged, dreams of seeing her father, resentment of her father's absence, resentment of her mother, and disappointment with my father after marriage......Complaints, complaints, accusations, accusations, ......These words are incessantly engraved in my mind.
She sat on the edge of the bed, sat on a chair, sat in the yard, walked on the road, ...... at the homes of relatives and friends, and at the funerals and joys of other people's homesOn any occasion, in front of anyone, in front of me, she always had tears in her eyes, and sadness filled all spaces. These sounds and images hardly need me to try to recall, and at any time, I can easily pull a long list out of the curtain of memory like pulling a thread.
I said it without thinking: "You are already so old, you should know about the affairs of the family, what your father has done all these years, he can only play cards, drink, and brag, you know this." What are the things that I don't do at home and abroad?You need money to study, debts to build a house, personal contacts, and your father has earned a penny in ** and came back?In the future, you must finish reading all the books I have not read, and when you grow up, you must be promising, you must get ahead, and you must be worthy of me, otherwise my suffering will be in vain......”
After I finished speaking, Fu Yu, who needed to play my mother, to act out the scene just now, and she said it to Yingzhi who played me. Dr. Guan Xin asked her to say it again, and again. Then ask to play my Eiji to respond.
At this time, Fu Yu, who played my mother, said that she felt a sudden increase in pressure on her back, her body felt heavy, and even half of her body was numb.
Youngji, who played me, said that he felt identification and sympathy for his mother.
I didn't really know what the use of repeating the scene at that time was, but at this time, I suddenly understood that at that age, I did identify with and sympathize with my mother, which was a normal reaction at that age. At this time, I don't need to regret being negatively affected by her, this is normal.
The burden on my mother's body, separated from time and space, reappears in the actor at this moment. It was a real burden, and she carried it on her shoulders alone. And behind her, there are no parents, no supporters.
Dr. Guan Xin asked to play my Wisdom as a response at my age.
This also inspires me: I am now able to make a change from the situation at that time, to say goodbye as an adult, to say goodbye to the state of total powerlessness and helplessness that was shrouded in negative influences. Now, I have power.
The second scene is a collision
Dr. Guan Xin asked how I faced my mom and what my attitude was in real life.
Looking back, I have always swallowed my anger, even if what she said, the arrangements she made, many things made me very uncomfortable and reluctant, I have always endured it, and I have never resisted her since I was a child.
Because of her, I am no longer close to my closest aunt's family, and there is a big estrangement, and I have always had a bad reputation such as white-eyed wolves among relatives;The relationship with other relatives and elders broke down or even broke up, and eventually became a withdrawn, self-closed person like her, who didn't want to deal with anyone, and drew the ground as a prison.
When was the first time I rebelled against her?
Until this summer. My mom was going to give a gift because of a happy event, and she remembered a certain past incident and was dissatisfied with that relative, so she turned to my dad and said, "You don't have a good thing in your family surnamed Feng!".I was very angry when I heard this, and resisted her for the first time: "What about your family surnamed Zou?"Are they all good people?My mom was surprised, even laughed a little, and sat down silently, but didn't say anything to me, as if nothing had happened. My dad couldn't help but smirk and said to my mom, "Look!"Meaning, finally someone is rebelling against you.
Dr. Guan Xin asked me to choose someone to play my father, and I chose Teacher Sun to be a hypnosis. Maybe one of his expressions looked a bit like my dad.
The two people who played my parents recreated the situation with their performances.
Fu Yu, who plays my mother, said: "Strange, I don't think there's anything wrong with your resistance, and I don't get angry or want to scold you. I still love you very much. ”
I listened and felt a little sorry for my mom.
Of course, my sanity knows that she loves me, that she has paid a lot for me to go to school, and that she is willing to spend any amount of money she has on me and my sister. However, I never felt loved by her in my heart. All I remember is that she sent me to my aunt's house for 10 years, and I fell asleep crying from the age of 6 to 32 in the tears of missing my parents. When I was in elementary school, she was so impatient to brush my hair once in a while that it hurt my scalp and broke the comb because my hair was hard because she was in a hurry to go to work.
From childhood to adulthood, he would beat me with sticks and bamboo branches for a little thing, and he was not allowed to cry after the beating, and he continued to be beaten when he cried, and he continued to kneel after the beating. She is very proud of her education method, and often promotes herself among relatives and colleagues, and others praise her for educating children. And the reason for my beating, which she herself said and I remember, was playing with mud when I was one or two years old;My uncle gave me a beautiful crystal glass pipe, which she thought I had begged forOne of her male colleagues was teasing me, and a bunch of adults were watching me and I hated him, so I kicked himShe made flower sleeves for herself and my aunt and gave me a pair of black and blue cloth sleeves, which I thought were ugly ......And anything like that, it's not wrong at all. This is all bad temper and bad Xi in her eyes, "looking old when you are young", and she thinks that she must be beaten hard as soon as possible, so that I will always remember and never dare to commit it again.
Playing my Eiji said, he felt my pain.
I am so grateful to him that someone finally felt my pain.
Even now, when I look back, I still feel very sad when I think of my mother casually accusing and cursing at my father, accusing him and trampling on his dignity in front of anyone on any occasion, and I can shed tears at any time. Those people looked at the normal situation, and to me, it hurt like a sharp knife to the heart.
The third scene is accusations
Dr. Guan Xin asked me what my father's attitude was in conflict situations, and I felt that he was always tolerant.
My father is very kind, very good-hearted, and even would rather suffer losses and carry the black pot himself, rather than hurt others, and always has a bodhisattva heart that is very considerate of others. In the era when there was not enough food to eat, it was he who tried his best to get food for the two families, supported his uncles, aunts and uncles with money, coats, and food for their schooling, and also helped them marry and hold banquets. My fourth uncle had stomach pain for many years, and he couldn't sleep because of the pain, and my father went to work during the day and walked around all night with him on his back at night. My mom got married because he was kind.
Dr. Guan Xin asked me to reconstruct a specific situation.
I remembered my mom and my dad, "If you hadn't met me, how could you have such a good life now?"Building a house, children studying, buying food, seeds, pesticides and fertilizers, providing for the elderly, and human relations, don't they all depend on me?What have you done over the years?Have you ever made a penny to?There is only one mouth!will brag!”
Dr. Guan Xin asked me to put myself in my father's position and reproduce his reaction.
As soon as I stood in my father's place, I suddenly remembered that he had actually resisted. He also sneered: "What's wrong with my mouth?".If it weren't for my mouth, if I couldn't brag and drink, would you be able to get it?”
My dad would deliberately poke my mother's fate: "I don't read much, I have no education!".What do you know?!”
At this time, my mother would often burst into tears, a handful of snot and tears, and began to accuse her stepfather of not letting her go to school, and dragged her home from the first-grade class, saying that it was useless for a girl to study;Then she complained that her mother had never said a word of justice for her, that all five brothers could go to school and go to university, but only one daughter could not go to school......By this time, my dad relented again and ended up backing down.
My dad eventually relented and became an alcoholic after more than forty years of marriage. From getting up early in the morning to going to bed at more than twelve o'clock, I drank five meals of liquor a day, wanting to drink myself to death. He is always in a state of drunkenness and confusion, and his speech is also reversed, or he always repeats the things that Chen Guzi rots sesame seeds.
I occasionally come home and see him like this, and I can't help but get bored.
At the same time, I can feel the pain when he is awake: how to face himself, there is no place to retreat. He has no financial autonomy, and my mother has been the master for many years, and he has become Xi to being dependent and obedient. The dignity has been stripped naked, and you can only put a sleeve over your face, get drunk, or even drink yourself to death, and the pain in your heart will be dull.
When I was single, he once said a sentence: "My whole life has been ruined." You should be careful about getting married in the future!"At that time, I was in the same mind as my mother, thinking that he was drunk and talking nonsense.
Teacher Sun and Fu Yu acted out the conflict just now.
I, as a bystander, was still immersed in sympathy for my dad, and I said that my dad was pathetic.
However, Fu Yu, who played my mother, was a little angry at the moment, she said: "You sympathize with him so much, I have to support my family, I have done so many things inside and out, I have done so badly, then you take him away!."”
I was stunned, and I admitted that I couldn't take him away. My living conditions in Shanghai are far inferior to those in my hometown, where the house is spacious, the food and living environment are actually far better than in Shanghai, with low living costs and high quality of life. If I bring my father to Shanghai, I will let him suffer with me, and he will be very Xi to it. And there's a good chance I can't stand living with him myself.
Let them continue to live in each other and maintain the status quo is the best solution for reality.
Feedback from the audience
After the performance, Dr. Guan Xin asked the consultants of ** to express their views one by one.
Almost everyone was shaken at some point, evoking something about their own parents. Their views were also very inspiring to me.
Thanks to Yingzhi who played me, even if he didn't say anything, I am very grateful to him, for this moment of understanding and empathy. I wanted so much to declare my pain to the world, but never before.
Fu Yu, who plays the mother, said, do you feel it?In fact, no matter how much you don't like your mother, you always stand by your mother's side, and your relationship is still very close;No matter how much you sympathize with your father, you don't really stand by his side, and you are still far away from him. And your mom doesn't have the power to support her, she's helpless. I am very grateful for her understanding of my mom and I was very inspired by her attitude.
Teacher Sun, who plays the role of a father, said that as a father, you can feel your daughter's feelings, but in fact, your father doesn't need you to do anything, just chat with him more and let him get emotional support.
Teacher Geng, who can directly communicate with the subconscious of others, said that respecting the fate of parents, parents have their own cause and effect as husband and wife, and do not need children to entangle them. Just be yourself.
Xiao Liao, who also has a deep pain in his original family, thinks of his family, he thinks of his grandfather, he understands that the pain cannot be expressed, and he can only use alcohol to dispel the painful feelings in his heart. I am also comforted by this understanding.
Sanduo remembered that her father also felt suppressed pain in front of his strong wife, and later fell ill and died, so she felt very regretful, and if she could have spent more time with her father when he was alive, maybe the situation would have been different.
Nanfeng said that she was often suppressed and denied in conflicts with her parents, but when she grew up, she learned to face it bravely, spoke directly to her parents, established a good boundary in her relationship with her parents, and taught her parents to recognize this boundary and live their own lives.
Dr. Guan Xin also lamented that after seeing the miserable family situation of so many visitors, I am still a sad and unfortunate one. But don't try to be a savior in the family, just save yourself, you can't save anyone.
Dr. Guan Xin was a role that I could easily overlook on the set, and it was only after the performance that I realized his role in arrangement, coordination, and scheduling. As a consultant and director, he hides behind the characters, performances and events, but he grasps the key conflict points, advancing layer by layer, in just two hours, under the limited venue conditions, so that the energy flow of the scene is smooth, and the reproduction of the conflict is also very strong, and the overall grasp is very moderate.
Overall, it was an event with strong emotional and psychological experiences, and a constant shock to the heart.
Follow-up
It's a great healing experience.
When I reviewed it today, there were still a lot of new inspirations.
Even if I know that I have to respect the fate of my parents, as a child, I can't bear the fate of my parents, there is no way to save them, and there is no way to make them feel happy, so let it be. Do your filial piety in the little things you can.
But why do I still feel so sorry for my dad?
What is this sadness?
I think it may be a deep regret for his fate, and knowing that he will not be able to make up for it in this life, that great fear, despair, and powerlessness.
When my father was young, because his older brothers and sisters went to secondary school, and his younger brothers and sisters also went to school, the family was difficult, so he dropped out of school at the age of 14 and went to the tea factory. But after getting married, one of them wanted to do agricultural production at home, and my mother was sick, so my father gave in and let my mother go to another tea factory to continue working as a worker for more than 30 years, while he had been working at home and doing some small business in his spare time.
My dad was very cheerful and playful when he was young, with a small flat head, hair standing on end, and he looked very energetic. He likes to act in Peking Opera model operas, and often sings Diao Deyi or Hu Chuankui in "Shajiabang", or Li Yuhe in "Red Lantern", Yang Zirong or a mountain carving in "Outwitting Tiger Mountain". He loves to organize the village basketball team to play games, organize lion dance lanterns during the New Year's Festival, and open his mouth to come to a poem, or sing a paragraph, "Drink the celebration wine today, and swear an oath before the ambition is not rewarded." In the coming days, Fang Chang showed his skills, and wrote the spring and autumn with enthusiasm. "Walk through the forest, cross the snowfield, and rush into the sky!."”
He only graduated from elementary school, but he was my literary teacher. He took every opportunity to bring me closer to literature, because he liked it himself, and he thought it was really good. He often sipes a sip of wine while watching **, and relishes it. When I was in the second grade of primary school, he borrowed "Dream of Red Mansions" to show me and told me to read the four famous novels. When he graduated from primary school, he showed me a large box of good books, including "Romance of the Three Kingdoms", "Romance of the Shaoxi Tang Dynasty", "Chronicles of the Eastern Zhou Dynasty", "Mirror Flower Yuan", "Bao Gong Case", "Peng Gong Case", "Saying Yue Quan", "Speaking of Tang", "Seven Heroes and Five Righteousness" ......Many years later, I learned that these are the most important works in the history of the Ming and Qing dynasties. It is hard to imagine that a farmer's family has a professional literary magazine in the tenth century at any time, such as "* Monthly", "Contemporary", "Zhongshan", "October", "Ancient Legends" and ......He asked the librarian to teach me how to play the dulcimer, but I really didn't like it;He asked my uncle, who was a literate man at the time, to teach me calligraphy, but I didn't like it eitherHe bought me a moon piano and planned to ask ** to teach me how to play;I also planned to ask an old gentleman who had taught private school to teach me "Three Kingdoms", but then the old gentleman died, so the matter was stopped.
He talked to me at the dinner table about the difference between Jin Yong** and Gu Long**, and he said that he didn't like Gu Long's style: a door was open. What kind of door is open. What kind of door is open. It's a bit of a trick.
I'm the same, I like Jin Yong's sense of history, the chivalrous courage of the characters, and the deep understanding of righteousness.
Dad likes Huang Yaoshi and Hong Qigong, but doesn't like the sinister Ouyang Feng. Me too.
Dad likes the honest Guo Jing and doesn't like the clever Yang Guo. Me too.
Dad would wake me up in the middle of the night in the summer to see the bright Milky Way and the meteor showers streak across the skyI took the 7-year-old me with a sickle to cut through the thorns and climb the wild mountains where there was no roadI was encouraged to go on a small expedition to a treacherous peak not far away, and he watched me from behind. I encountered a little hooligan blocking the way on the way from school, picked up a rock and threw it at it, smashed the other person away, and came back to tell my dad that he was very proud. ......
A person who was originally full of vitality would have thought that forty years later would have become like this.
He was old-eyed, his eyes were cloudy, he played cards all day, and he hadn't read a book in years.
I want my father, who used to talk about literature and life, who has light in his eyes and has a strong sense of literary sensibility and appreciation. A dad I can show off to my classmates.
I'm also afraid that I'll end up like him.
Since my mother was forced to divorce at the age of five or six, I have been in a long period of darkness, I wanted to commit suicide at the age of 12, suffered from insomnia in high school, struggled on the verge of depression several times, feared a stable life, and always had self-destructive impulses and behaviors. Today, half of my life has passed.
My dad and I are comrades in the same trenches, facing the same dark energies that are destroying the world.
Luckily, I can still learn Xi, save myself, and escapeAnd he, unable to escape, also lost the ability to save himself.
Thinking of this, I still can't help but feel sad.
After the performance, Fu Yu, who played the mother, said that in fact, she felt that I was not resisting for my father, but because the accusation of "surnamed Feng" also included me, and I was resisting for myself.
I thought about it carefully, from childhood to adulthood, I have experienced so much confrontation with my parents, in fact, it is not only the confrontation between the two of them, not only my mother looks down on my father, but also my mother's family looks down on my father's family, it is the internal violent conflict between the history, culture, values, and outlook on life of the two families.
When my father was young, he could be regarded as a rural version of a literary youth, he liked to play ball, acting, singing, reading, and his brothers drinking and bragging, all of which were boring, useless, unmotivated, and unprofessional, because these could not earn money to support the family and could not plan for the long term in life.
When I was in first grade, my father went to Wuhan to do business, and he didn't make much money all year round, so he was even more looked down upon by my mother and deprived of the right to be in charge of money.
My father's family is a local family, from the genealogical record of the Ming Dynasty Hongwu years, the ancestors with five sons to set up military merits, to the Qianlong Dynasty moved to the current site in Hubei, the family inheritance of 23 generations, all generations are scholars, civil officials and military generals, a wide range of land. After accumulation, they may lack the internal motivation to pursue profits, but are more interested in savoring the interesting parts of life.
My uncle and aunt were also very happy and lively people, and of course, my mother looked down on them.
And my mother's family is almost all oriented to practical interests. For example, my second uncle, who has made assets of more than 100 million yuan in a small business, has been planning how to make money since high school, focusing on the way to make money, and he does have a very advanced vision. So he looked down on my uncle who worked as a purchaser in Wuhan, and felt that he had been running the rivers and lakes for decades in vain and had not made any money.
My uncle was the only intellectual who was admitted to the university, and he also opened his mouth and closed his mouth to fame, so he resigned from his position as a middle school teacher in the nineties and went to Guangzhou to open a company. He also taught my mother that children's education is also an investment, and whether to send her to school or not should first estimate how much return will be in the future. So my mom would say angrily when I disobeyed her another time, "Don't forget, I spent tens of thousands of dollars to send you to college!"”
So in the eyes of my mother's family, if you don't succeed, don't make money, and don't have any status in society, you don't deserve to be a person, and you live in vain. They look down on ordinary people, and ordinary people are losers in their eyes and deserve to be looked down upon.
This conflict manifested itself in me as an inner tear and extreme pain. Since graduating, I have been swaying from side to side, I don't want to go to work, I want to do freelance work, I want to be a writer, write scripts, do films, learn to draw, but on the other hand, I want to make a lot of money and get ahead. Serious internal friction, self-attack, and don't dare to face anything you want to do, because these are useless, not only do not make money, but also cost money;What you don't want to do, such as starting a business, but blindly doing it regardless of the actual conditions and your own resource endowment, once or twice, three times, the result is to hit your head against the south wall, failure and debt.
It wasn't until I was about forty years old that I was sure that I was the same person as my father, that I belonged to my father's family, and that I identified more with everything about my father, my grandfather, and my grandmother's family. I like them. I like that my grandfather has been reduced from the third young master with a wide field to a porter who picks goods all his life, but he can still laugh and find that a little bird can be beaten down to make a delicious meal. I like that my grandma is always gentle and calm, taking me for a walk every day, and when I am with my grandma, I am also with heaven and earth.
I know that I am peaceful by nature, not aggressive, I pursue peace and tranquility, and I like literature, art, philosophy, astronomy, and the universe ......Likes everything mysterious and unknown, far from reality, very close to the soul, useless, but interesting.
When I understood these conflicts and identified myself, I finally felt that I was living a solid life.
I like to be an ordinary person, I like to live the life of an ordinary person, watch a movie, listen to a play, eat a kind of stall food that I have never eaten, carefully observe a painting, see how good it is, listen to a cross talk of Guo Degang, laugh. I like to look everywhere at a tree, a flower, a thousand different leaves, and see its veinsOr, admire a mountain from afar and imagine life in seclusion on it.
Doing these boring things, being sure that I'm a useless waste, and happily being a waste they look down on, that's who I am.
What are the reasons why children are tired of school?Just learn Xi don't care!
What is the child's boredom in school?It's hard to learn Xi and it's hard to manage your heart!
What should I do if my child is bored with school?Learn to Xi the heart to win transformation!
Children who are tired of learning should be careful, and if they are careful, they should find a heartkeeper!
Third-rate parents, second-rate parents, first-class parents!Manage people in advance, manage people to manage the heart, manage the heart can manage the body!
Guan Xinying is a doctor of management psychology, a national second-level psychological counselor, a second-level management consultant and a professional psychological counseling institution with this doctor as the core team
Based on traditional Chinese culture and management psychology, Dr. Heben integrates six counseling techniques such as positive psychology, family, communication analysis, cognition, hypnosis and psychodrama, as well as more than 10 years of counseling practice experience, to form a professional family management system for rapid aversion to learning, and related psychological symptoms such as anxiety disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, phobia, depression and so on. Children who are tired of learning should be careful, and Xi learning to manage their hearts is not depressed!
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