This book contains too much, self, family of origin, work and ideals, intimacy and interpersonal relationships, without any literary description of sensational sentences, but it is touching to read, making people want to cry, just like looking at the lights of thousands of homes, but suddenly finding that there is a lamp lit for themselves.
What does a mentally healthy person look like?Psychologist Kohut gave a very concise answer, which is "self-confidence and enthusiasm".
When a person is able to nourish their body with vitality, it is self-confidence.
When one is able to nourish the object with vitality, it is passion. So what's holding us back from moving towards confidence and enthusiasm?
Four variations of the sense of omnipotence
The newborn baby has no sense of time and space, the world is gray to him, the world only exists one consciousness, that is, themselves, at this time, the world is one.
Later, they stretched out their tentacles to try to explore the world, and their mother caught the tentacles, giving them milk, hugging, safety, and the world took on color.
In addition to me, there is also you in the world, moving towards duality, and then, more people participate in helping them explore the world, their father and friends, in addition to me and you, there is "he" in the world, and from then on to the three-dimensionality.
In the monistic world, "I" is all, that is, "omnipotent narcissism".
When turning to duality, if the mother fails to catch their tentacles, the "I" will emit intense anger and resistance, and the omnipotent narcissism will turn to omnipotent rage.
But the "I" is very weak, when the anger is ignored, or even resists and retaliates, the all-powerful anger will turn into complete helplessness, and the helpless "I" will feel that there is an irresistible force in the outside world, limiting itself, and over time, it will fall into the delusion of victimization.
These are the four basic changes in omnipotence, and almost all of our personality traits when we grow up, such as irritability, depression, insecurity, and strong desire for control, are related to him.
A person's growth is the process from omnipotent narcissism to true self-confidence, from loneliness and narcissism to affectionate attachment, and at the same time from imagination to reality.
The key to building a deep relationship is commitment, and over time and energy, your relationship with this thing grows deeper, you gradually grasp it, you encounter it, and ability is a by-product of your existence meeting its existence.
For example, many children show a special "sensible" and "obedient" from an early age, which is actually a manifestation of the loss of vitality caused by the impaired narcissism of omnipotence.
Coordinate system of human nature
The narcissistic dimension is naturally there, he is the driving force behind a person's growth, but at the same time, growth is anti-narcissistic, the more mature a person is, the less attached to narcissism, and the easier it is to accept his "badness" calmly.
So, how to bring yourself to maturity involves another dimension of human beings.
The relational dimension, people have two dimensions, omnipotent narcissism points to the dimension of a person's rights, in this dimension, there is only comparison and competition, everything must pay attention to the advantages and disadvantages and right and wrong, when a person's narcissistic dimension is damaged, he feels shame.
The other dimension is that of a person's relationship, in which one is able to feel the beauty of emotion and cooperation.
When a person's relational dimension is damaged, he feels sadness, and for people living in the narcissistic dimension, the world is binary, everything is measured and compared, and failure to excel is equal to destruction, full of opposition and anxiety.
In important relationships, don't despise the material or physical needs of yourself and the other person, try to take care of yourself, take care of each other, and then you will see that your spiritual and emotional relationship becomes deeper and deeper in this material care for each other.
Everyone's different growth experience will allow them to hold out different human spaces in this coordinate.
For example, a child who has been striving for the first place since he was a child has a higher narcissistic dimension and a lower relational dimension, and human nature will form such a narrow shape.
When a person is constantly nourished in the relationship, and the relationship dimension rises and the narcissistic dimension falls, the space can be broadened and life and vitality regained.
Six Characteristics of Deep Relationships:
Both you and the other person can be more fully selves;
Both of you are willing to show your vulnerable side;
You believe that self-disclosure will not be used against you;
You can be honest with each other;
You can resolve conflicts in a constructive way;
Boundaries and expectations, a deep relationship needs to balance the needs of both parties and stick to their positions.
There are trade-offs in all relationships to keep a relationship going, everyone's needs need to be met, and everyone has to give up something.
In the long run, the benefits of the relationship will outweigh the costs, and the relationship will last longer, and as the relationship develops, the other party understands themselves more fully, and both people must learn how to increase the benefits and reduce the costs.
Having a deep relationship doesn't mean you have to meet each other's every need.
Balancing the two needs of "taking care of yourself" and "being responsive to others" is especially important when faced with tangled issues. We need to learn to listen to each other's needs, care about the needs of others, and avoid subjective accusations.
We can have a deep relationship with everything in the world, such as:
A person who likes photography can establish a deep relationship with the camera;
A person who likes to paint can establish a deep relationship with the brush.
That's why the book says, "All good things are the product of deep relationships." ”
Write to the end. Wu Zhihong, the author of this book, believes that contemporary people are always tired of living, and they are always unable to immerse themselves in the happiness of the moment, and the root cause lies in the old "omnipotent narcissism", and the way out lies in learning to establish "deep relationships".
It taught me to break free from emotional manipulation, to establish clear boundaries, to heal myself, and how to live authentically, relaxed, and with inner strength and the ability to love.
In a sentence from the book: your seemingly mundane basic life needs are important, your experience is important, you don't have to allow yourself to live in severe discomfort, and you deserve to be well cared for.
I hope that everyone can patiently read it so that they can enter a deep relationship, allow themselves to live their true selves, and not hold back their efforts in a lonely imagination, but to show it happily in the external world.