Do you feel that your boss always says a lot of meaningless things during meetings, causing the meeting to go slowly and procrastinate for time?
Do you feel that you have been wronged, but no one understands, no one will reach out to help, and your colleagues seem to be indifferent?
Many times, you think a lot of things in your heart, but when you say it, it seems to change its taste, it seems that for various reasons, maybe it's emotion, maybe it's a logical problem, in short, you can't say what you really think, and what you say is easy for others to misunderstand and produce more contradictions. If the boss is not clear, the employee will not know how to execute, and the colleague will not be clear, and it is easy to misunderstand and not understand.
Dr. Marshall Luxemburg, who received the Bridge of Peace Award from the Global Village** Society, mentioned in his book "Nonviolent Communication" that the world sometimes seems unforgiving, and it is our way of life that causes his ruthlessness. People are always Xi to acting around their own interests. If you can also realize this, you will no longer be consumed by what others say. And you can try to change the way you live, including the way you speak, communicate non-violently, be honest with others, and speak up about your feelings and needs.
Nonviolent communication is a way of believing that people's humanity is connected. Although everyone's perspective and lifestyle are different, people's emotions, feelings, and needs are the same. By articulating the emotions and needs you can feel, people will not always focus on the conflict, but will focus on each other's real feelings. It's a bit like empathy, so as to achieve a common solution to a problem based on emotional agreement.
Nonviolent communication is a very simple way to speak, consisting of 4 steps: Observe, Feel, Need, and Request.
The state of the real observation is described and described without any comments. This is a very important first step. Being able to smoothly describe the state of the present and get the approval of the other party is the first step of cooperation between you, or the first step of unification.
An Indian philosopher named Krishnamurti once said that the higher form of human intelligence is observation without commentary.
If we don't distinguish between observation and evaluation, if we talk about language with evaluation, it will sound like a criticism to the other person, and this criticism will make it impossible for you to continue the conversation and reach a consensus.
After describing our state, we need to talk about how we feel so that we can let the other person know what we really need in the future. For many people, feelings are a difficult content to express.
People will say "how I feel" or "how the other person is", but none of this expresses their true feelings. When you see something going on at the time, like when your neighbor is making a lot of noise, or when you're standing on stage to get ready for a performance. If you can say what you really feel, it will be easier to get help and encouragement from the other person.
If the neighbor's house is noisy, you might say "they're too noisy for everyone to stand it", but that's not a feeling. If you say "their **, I can't sleep, I need to sleep now because I'm tired." In this way, objectively describe that you are tired, and ** make yourself unable to sleep, describe the state and feelings, the other party will be easy to understand, and will turn down the voice.
If you're on stage, you may be too nervous to speak, or you may not dare to walk up. At this time, if you say, "I'm nervous about facing the stage," I believe that your peers or teachers will encourage you to continue on stage.
As a special reminder, sometimes, when we express our feelings, our tone becomes gentle, which can make people feel a little weak. This is because when we express ourselves in this way, our tone will become softer, and it is also a weak place to express our inner feelings, but in this way, we can express ourselves clearly and be heard and recognized by the other person. Getting your needs met is our real purpose, not fighting.
We have been able to observe the current situation and say how we feel about it, and then we need to talk about our needs. In the noisy example of the neighbor's house, we have already said the need, "I need to sleep because I'm tired", and that's the need.
For another example, if two people make an appointment, but one person does not come. Another person might say, "I'm disappointed you didn't come." She expressed her feelings, but did not express her needs, and the other party felt a little reproachful when she heard such words. If something is added, "I'm disappointed that you didn't come because I have something to say to you." In this way, the other party understands very well that he did not go and missed something, and when there is understanding between the two parties, they will talk further and say everything they want to say.
The last step is to say the request. Note that it's not a request, it's a request. A request is a request from someone else, and a request is a kind of negotiation, a choice, and there is no feeling of compulsion. In the previous conversation, you have already spoken about what you are seeing, as well as your feelings and needs, and you need to make a request now.
In the case of the noisy neighbor, we've said, "I need to sleep because I'm tired," and the plea is, "Please keep your voice down." In this way, when you look at it as a whole, an idea has been put forward and it is easy to get a positive response from the other party.
The way of nonviolent communication is not difficult, you only need to say the 4 steps of observation, feeling, need, and request. And we often ignore our true feelings in life, and are in a hurry to blame the other person, so many conversations cannot go on. It is not so easy for some people to say their true feelings, sometimes, our true feelings are not energetic, they will be weak, and in the process of growing up from childhood to adulthood, some feelings that are not confident, such as "I'm scared", "I'm nervous", "I'm sad", etc., are not allowed to say. Over time, we lose sight of what we really feel.
Start by learning how to communicate nonviolently, find your true feelings, and say them so that the person we are talking to can listen to us.