Yesterday, a parent gave me feedback: Why is it that my child has a big temper after a few trainings?I asked her, "What happened?"
She said, "Didn't she attend an English tutoring class?"When I first went in, her English was relatively poor, so I took her to read it every night and memorize it.
After persisting for half a month, this group test, the child's level kept up, six people, and she was second.
And then what?I asked her. Actually, I can probably guess.
She said: She was very happy when she came back, saying that she was capable. I felt that this kid was not real, he didn't understand the nature of things.
So I asked her to calm down: Daughter, who took you to read the texts and memorize the words every day?Without this process, can you do that well on the quiz?
So, the child got angry, locked up in the room, and didn't even come out to eat.
The parent was furious: Is there something wrong with what I said?The child's fluttering appearance is actually not sober, but it is indeed me who inspired her and helped her, and she did well in the exam.
I asked her: Did you also say that your mother enrolled you in a power hypnosis class, which costs a lot of money?
She nodded: Yes, I have to let the children cherish this opportunity, after all, our money is not blown by the wind.
I said, "No wonder, when the child comes, he frowns and doesn't speak."
The parent asked: Then I told her, how can I not talk?You didn't criticize her.
I said, "Don't say it anymore, the child is stressed enough."
Parents are still puzzled.
Let's take a look, why are children stressed?
1.I owe so much to my parents, how can I pay it back?
The cost of raising a child is indeed high now, not the same as it was a few decades ago. Some parents are reluctant to even buy clothes themselves, but they enroll their children in make-Xi up classes for tens of thousands of yuan.
Some parents have not traveled a few times themselves, but they can spend a lot of money on summer camps abroad for their children.
Of course, when their children grow up, many parents will do their best to buy a house and a car for their children. There is no right or wrong in all this, but it depends on what kind of mentality the parents have.
If the parents are willing to eat and do not ask for anything in return, then for the child, the parents' dedication is like her own blessing, a reward from God, and will greatly nourish him. After he is nourished, he will feel happy and satisfied.
With this feeling, he will be very motivated to study Xi and work, and be grateful to his parents.
On the contrary, if parents are paying with sacrifices and grievances, they are weighing the corresponding rewards while giving.
For example, you gave your child 1,000 yuan today, hoping that he will be in the top three in this exam. I bought him a car and wanted him to come back to see you every week and bring you tea and water.
Especially when he is spending a thousand dollars and driving a new car, you will remind him: Don't forget, this is what I gave you.
Well, I'm sorry, what you give to your child is not a blessing, but a consumption.
Say it once, the child may endure it, forget it, you say it a few times, he may return the money to you on the spot, and return the car keys to you.
It's easy to empathize, you work in the unit, and one day the boss sees that you are doing well and gives you a bonus. You would have been happy.
As a result, the next day the boss asked you to do personal things for him, and you couldn't do it because you had something, so he immediately pulled down the donkey's face, saying that you don't know how to be grateful, and only gave you a bonus yesterday, and today you turned your face and didn't recognize people.
I ask you: Do you really want to take out that bonus and dump him in the face?
Actually, are you a person who doesn't know how to be grateful?Not. Everyone knows that gratitude is a spontaneous emotion, and it must not be based on oppression and supervision.
Therefore, if parents want their children to be grateful, they should do the opposite, you should not remind the child to remember what you have paid for him, you should even forget what you have given to him, and only enjoy the process.
Sometimes he doesn't express it, it doesn't mean that he is not grateful, and once you express it, your credit will be burned to death by the sun.
He would be annoyed: How can I give you back what you gave me?Some children even think of giving this life back to their parents. Because he said, I have no financial income anyway, but they always nag me to be ungrateful, so I will give them my life back.
How terrible.
2.I'm incompetent, I can't do anything without my parents
In addition to spending a lot of money on life and Xi, some parents also invest a lot in experience and time.
For example, from kindergarten onwards, I teach my child to read word by word, and when I go to elementary school, I help my child check his daily homework until all of it is correct, and then submit it to the teacher.
What's more, for a child in junior high school, during the online class, his parents are still by his side to take notes for him, and then discuss the difficulties with him after class.
Some children will indeed benefit in the short term, and with the supervision and help of their parents, they can get good grades in the exam by spending five points of effort on their academic Xi.
However, they are subject to additional pressure.
For example, the parent mentioned above, he helped the child, and then after the child had a little achievement, he ran out to ask for credit: You can't do it without my help.
This will wipe out the little confidence that the child has just gained in seconds.
The child will think that he really can't leave his mother.
Then either he stubbornly refused his mother's help and confronted his parents. Either he will run away when he encounters difficulties in the future, because he knows that he will not be able to do it on his own.
So, what exactly should be done to support the child just right?
Let's start with a conceptParents are better off being supporters, not helpers.
Support, more from the spiritual level, such as your trust in his ability, silently encouraging him to complete it on his own, and cheering for him.
For example, when you are emotional, accompany him with peace of mind and focus and allow him to have emotions. These are supports.
"Help" is not, you see him tying his shoelaces slowly, you go up and help him tie them. You see that he didn't finish his homework late, so you go and ask the teacher for a leave of absence.
You see that he has an awkward relationship with his classmates, and you are worried that he will suffer a loss, or lose a friend, so you go and say good things to his classmates ......
These are helps, and the more help you have, the more harm you have, and you deprive your child of their abilities.
Of course, there is another way where you tell him how to tie his shoes, and when he does it, you give him the credit back: Wow, you did it!
You see he's still doing his homework late at night, and you have a cup of coffee with him until he's done. And then you say: You're really a kid who is responsible for your homework.
He had an awkward quarrel with his classmates, you see that he is at a loss, you use a story to enlighten him, he suddenly opens up, and then you say: You have a really strong comprehension!
He didn't have enough money to buy a house or a car, and you happened to have a sum of money to spare, and you poured out your pocket, but you said: You are really blessed, and there is a sum of money just waiting for you to ......
Trust me, your children will not be ungrateful. On the contrary, he will learn from you to give without leaving a trace, which is true kindness and love.