In long-term relationships, people prefer feedback that confirms their self-perception.
Whether their self-perception is good or bad, when people are serious about choosing a partner, they choose those who support their existing self-concept.
In other words, you will choose to see your partner the same way you see yourself.
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Self-concept, which includes the whole range of ideas and emotions a person has about himself, includes extensive self-knowledge and self-esteem.
Self-concept is a person's perception of himself, what kind of person he thinks he is, and his own evaluation of himself.
A person's evaluation of himself is not so extreme that it is only positive or negative. Generally, you know that you have advantages and disadvantages, advantages and disadvantages.
There is a kind of person who thinks that he is nothing, that he is bad in every way. If you do something wrong, you think that you can't do it as a whole person, which is an extremely low self-esteem.
There is also a kind of person who thinks that he is excellent in all aspects and is a perfect person, which is an extreme narcissist.
People form a self-concept that is closely related to our relationships.
When you are young, the family plays a big role. If our family likes and accepts us, we like ourselvesWhen family members blame and criticize us, we slowly develop a negative self-concept.
When we are older, our friends play a greater role, and what our friends think of us will affect our evaluation of ourselves.
One is to seek feedback from others that will improve your self-concept.
We believe that we are people who are desirable, attractive, capable, and liked.
We like to hear positive information about ourselves and connect with people who appreciate us and help us build a positive self-image.
This is because people need feedback that supports their self-concept. The second is that people seek feedback that is consistent with their own perceptions.
If a person's self-concept is negative, the person he is interacting with is, most likely, the person who criticizes him, because it is consistent with his own view of himself.
This is also why, when in love, a person will choose a person who criticizes and accuses himself. Because this kind of criticism is exactly the same as my own negative perception of myself. The first is self-improvement motivation. A desire for positive, positive feedback.
It's automated, relatively unconscious, and mostly emotional.
People will unconsciously like those who appreciate and praise themselves, even if they praise the flesh, they will also like it emotionally. It is a conscious emotional reaction to those who praise themselves for being exaggerated, but intellectually they will distance themselves from such people. The second is self-attestation motivation. Craving feedback that aligns with self-concept.
This desire is rooted in thoughtful, conscious cognition.
A person with a positive self-concept craves positive evaluations that are consistent with their perception of themselves.
But for a person with a negative self-concept, this is not necessarily a good thing.
Positive reviews make people feel good, but they threaten their negative self-image.
Negative feedback and criticism, confirming their self-concept, but feeling terrible.
Intellectually, people think that those who criticize themselves know themselves better.
Two motivations coexist.
In marital relationships, people like to give overall praise to show that the partner is happy with them.
A person with a negative self-concept, although he likes the praise of others in general, will not believe and trust the feedback once he has had the opportunity to think about it.
For their own particular flaws, people prefer self-substantiating feedback.
Someone forms a negative evaluation of their personality and believes that they are not worthy of love. The scary thing is that they choose another partner who thinks the same way about them, and it's a disaster. Narcissists are susceptible to strong self-serving biases.
The idea of self-service refers to taking credit for oneself when things are going well;When things don't go well, they don't take a little responsibility and pass the responsibility on to others.
If you have this kind of person around you, what he needs is to be noticed, appreciated, and praised all the time, and the responsibility for doing something wrong is all on you, which is very unacceptable.
When I meet this kind of person, I can only say that it is better to ignore each other. Narcissists often make mistakes in their memories of others.
I remember to accept, praise, and appreciate much more than I actually do. But they still feel that they are not being treated as they deserve. It's as if the earth has to revolve around him. Narcissists have a particularly hard time tolerating rejection from others, and all rejection, even the tiniest rejection, is a disservice to them. For example, if a narcissist borrows money from you and you don't, he will think that you are not a good person, that you are not worth befriending, but he does not think that you have only known each other for less than a week. Narcissists have too much self-esteem, which causes them to overreact to imaginary snubbing.
Note that the word "imaginary" means something that doesn't exist at all, they will think that they have been neglected, and they will react very excessively.
For example, if you are short-sighted, when you don't wear glasses, if you are a little farther away, your vision will be blurry, and you will not recognize who the person who is coming towards you is at all. But for a narcissist, you will think that you don't greet him when you see him, and you look down on him. Actually, you just don't recognize it. Narcissists, sometimes just by imagining, can produce aggressive behavior
Because of excessive self-aggrandizement, narcissists will feel very aggrieved when they think that others do not respect or care about them, and Jiner will react more angrily and aggressively than ordinary people.
If your love partner is this kind of person, sometimes, you may have no idea what's going on, completely inexplicable, and the other person is very angry and may even react violently. In the long run, people who are excessively narcissistic are not as faithful to their partners as normal people.
It's inevitable, feeling too good about yourself, no matter how good you are and how good you are, they will think they deserve better.
This arrogant sense of privilege will prompt such people to look around for a more desirable object.
If something goes wrong in the relationship, they want to change the partner instead of trying to maintain the relationship.
If your partner is an overly narcissist, my advice is to leave, as far away as possible, as soon as possible. This kind of person will never learn to be grateful, never see your efforts, and only think that they deserve better.
Guiding role in the choice of partner.
Whether their self-perception is good or bad, when people are serious about choosing a partner, they choose those who support their existing self-concept.
As mentioned earlier, if a person has a positive self-concept, there is nothing wrong with that.
But when a person has a negative self-concept, it can be a big problem. At this time, people will choose those who criticize and accuse themselves as partners, because this is in line with self-perception, and they will think that this kind of person understands them better and feels more affectionate.
To avoid this, you need to start by getting to know yourself and building a positive self-concept. How you see yourself, you will choose to see your partner the same way. When in love, self-improvement motivation is more important, and people will look for partners who like and accept them.
In marriage, self-affirmation motivation predominates, and what people need is feedback that supports their self-concept.
People with a negative self-concept who don't appreciate their partner feel more intimate, more understanding of themselves, and feel more affectionate. If you find that your lover is constantly praising and appreciating them, you will gradually run away from your partner.
This is the marriage transformation.
Imagine if a person thinks that their partner's compliments are exaggerated. While these compliments feel good, what happens if one thinks they are all insincere?This can make people uneasy, think that the other person is hypocritical, or simply think that the other person is **. No one wants to live with ** all the time, so, they will leave.
In short, in long-term relationships, people prefer feedback that confirms their self-perception.
But this is not to say that a person with a negative self-concept cannot be happy.
If there is a person who knows that you have some shortcomings and agrees with some of your shortcomings (consistent with his own understanding, self-confirmation motivation is satisfied), but accepts you, appreciates you, and likes you, the marriage can also be very happy (the self-improvement motivation is also satisfied).
It depends on how negative your negative concept is, if it's too negative, such as thinking that you're worthless, and the other person agrees with it, then it's a disaster.