My daughter has been a lively and cheerful child since she was a child.
Whenever I see her cute smiling face, I feel that there is nothing to worry about in life.
It wasn't until I was in junior high school that I realized that I didn't seem to know anything about my daughter, who had been raising her for more than ten years.
During primary school, my daughter's grades were top-notch, so I really hope that she can be admitted to a key junior high school.
In the last two years of primary school, my daughter grew up under the persecution and strict discipline that I said.
Fortunately, the result was good, my daughter was admitted to a key junior high school, and our efforts were not in vain.
In junior high school, my daughter changed, and I don't know what day she started to become less obedient than she used to be.
She began to sneakily disobey my arrangement: she said that she would finish her homework first when she went home every day, but she didn't do it, she wanted to watch TV or watch ** first, and finally scribbled her homework up.
Seeing my daughter have so many problems, my mood is extremely anxious, and I can't wait to wake my daughter up with a few slaps:"What's going on with you now, you don't have an attitude, you don't have a goal, you want to degenerate Xi to what extent?”
In the face of my reprimand, and even scolding, my daughter just remained silent, and then nothing changed.
Learning habits and attitudes deteriorate XiXi, and grades naturally decline rapidly. From the top 10 of the class when he first entered the school, he has slipped to more than 30 in the class.
The teacher talked to me and told me to pay attention to it and change it as soon as possible: "There were some precedents of dropping out of the second or third year of junior high school before the school. ”
When I heard this, I panicked and anxious, and my hatred of iron and steel reached its peak.
When I got home, my daughter just sat there, her head bowed, and she was silent.
At that moment, the feeling of powerlessness completely threw my emotions out of control, and I grabbed the sofa pillow and slapped her a few times.
In the end, I accidentally pumped it into my daughter's face, and her face instantly swollen.
The daughter cried and ran back to the room with her face covered.
My husband felt sorry for the child and was also angry with me: "How can you be a mother!".Hitting people doesn't slap people in the face, don't you know!I see you're in menopause now, psychologically**!
Ignoring the indiscriminate scolding, I trembled with anger.
I turned around and walked out of the house, crying as I went, ignoring the inquiring eyes of passers-by, and finally sat on the side of the road and broke down in tears.
Guilt, self-blame, depression, incomprehension, all kinds of emotions hit me, and I couldn't help but start to doubt myself
Isn't it true that I don't know how to be a mother?That's why you can't educate your own children well
My daughter's face was swollen for several days.
She became more reticent, especially reluctant to talk to me.
Seeing my daughter avoiding me, my heart was like a knife, and at that moment, I was also determined to find a way to change the situation.
I frantically searched for information on the Internet about adolescent children's boredom in school, and through in-depth analysis and dismantling, I found out that my daughter's series of "adolescent boredom" problems are all for a reason.
It turns out that the strict education method that I have always believed in and implemented is actually a kind of implicit "control" for my daughter.
Because I hope that she will be admitted to a key junior high school, since the fifth grade, I have strictly asked my daughter to prepare and strengthen her training.My daughter often leaves the house at 7 a.m. and arrives home at 8 p.m. Although I feel sorry for my daughter's hard work, I think I did the right thing.Every day after school, after completing the school homework, my daughter needs to do an extra set of papers, and memorize some words and texts.
Write an essay every week to record the gains and insights of the week.
On the weekend, there is no leisure, from morning to night, it is full of tutorial classes. English, Writing, Speech, Dance.
A child is a child, and there is no concept of the future, so as a parent, you must do a good job of supervising and letting them know how to work hard.
After all, there is no parent who doesn't want their children to become better, and if they don't suffer from school Xi now, they will have to suffer from life in the future!
During the Xi, the teacher directly pointed out the hidden psychological mechanism behind my daughter's aversion to learning:
Everything in this world obeys a balance mechanism, and the child's attitude towards learning Xi is the same, if the parents are very motivated to learn Xi, then the child will have no internal motivation, this is a balance.Therefore, a large part of the children with problems are caused by the parent's education style. When children have all kinds of problematic behaviors, it is also the parents who should reflect the most. Indeed it is!I was aware of my responsibilities and problems. I finally realized that if I want to "save" my daughter, I have to change my education method and help my daughter find her sense of worth and the meaning of learning Xi.The symptoms of children's boredom and refusal to go to school, on a psychological level, are a kind of balance, in this way to balance the anxiety and pressure of parents, otherwise the anxiety and pressure of parents will be put forward
At the same time, when learning Xi this matter, it is related to the nagging, pressure, and control of parents, so that the child's uncomfortable feeling has always been linked, and the child cannot find the meaning of learning Xi, as well as his own sense of worth, and the child will definitely not want to learn Xi.
To this end, I have made two adjustments, which are as follows.
1. Adjust your emotions, let go of your strength, and stand with your children to defeat difficulties, rather than standing with difficulties to defeat your children
I've always known that I'm a strong person and I'm emotionally unstable.
Whether I get along with my children, or communicate with my husband and relatives, I always have a strong attitude, and a lot of things I say are accusations and complaints.
In the past, although I knew that this was not good, I never thought that it would have such a big impact on my daughter.
Now, I am constantly learning Xi and improving, so that my mind and emotions are more peaceful and stable.
This adjustment also quickly saw the effect.
Before, I couldn't control my emotions when I saw my daughter's problems, whether it was grades or homework that did not meet my satisfaction.
After a few words, I began to lose my temper, making my daughter tremble, she was nervous and scared, and I was also anxious and irritable.
My husband is also often complained, and the atmosphere at home is one of chickens and dogs.
Now, after realizing the importance of emotions, I have started to consciously improve.
Seeing my daughter secretly playing with her mobile phone, I didn't get angry and scolded, and anxiously accused: "Why are you playing with your mobile phone again!."”
Rather, it is a gentle word of concern:
Pay attention to your eyes!After my daughter noticed the change in my attitude and mood, she gradually relaxed and slowly began to be willing to get closer to me, and our relationship became better and better.Eat some fruit, no, there are oranges, and your favorite bananas.
2. Change your focus from focusing on children's learning Xi to paying attention to children as a person
Actually, before I went to junior high school, my daughter and I had a very close relationship.
Including when she was in the first year of junior high school, she would tell me as soon as she came home from school.
But later, because the proportion of academic Xi grades in my life increased, I gradually opened and closed my mouth, and I was all Xi learning.
Ask about the grades, ask about the ranking, and ask her why she didn't do well in a certain subject.
I never paid attention to whether she was tired Xi studying, what problems and pressures she encountered.
At first, my daughter would complain to me that the school was too competitive and that I was so tiredThere are so many homework days that I can't finish it, and so on.
But what I was waiting for was not my understanding and empathy, but criticism and preaching: "Who is not tired?".What junior high school student doesn't do that?Don't complain all the time!Since you are all tired, then study hard, otherwise your grades are not good, and you will be tired in vain!”
Gradually, my daughter stopped telling me. Because she knows that no matter how good or bad the test is, she will be greeted with admonition and questioning, not encouragement and affirmation.
Now that I think about it, I really feel sorry for my daughter - I have to deal with high-intensity Xi and mental pressure at school during the day;When I came home at night, I had to endure high-pressure supervision.
How different is this kind of life from going to prison?And she's just a teenager!
If I had stood in her shoes and understood her feelings, my daughter would not have developed to this point.
So, I changed the way I communicated with my daughter, no longer staring at her Xi all the time, but caring about her emotions, feelings, what she wanted to pursue, and the future she wanted.
When I picked her up from school, I gave her a gentle, happy smile and cared about her:
Baby, are you tired at school today?What's the fun?Do you want to eat hot pot, Mom will take you there?When my daughter heard me say this, the tense expression on her face relaxed, and she smiled.Xi is very stressful, you have to take care of yourself, don't let your mother worry, compared to my daughter's health and happiness, grades are a fart.
In this way, with my continuous efforts, my daughter slowly opened her heart to me again:
I used to think that learning Xi is your business, you will push me to move, you will take care of me, I am studying hard for you, for me, learning Xi Xi is like a burden, really tired!When we really pay attention to the child as a person, when we care about her feelings, the child will be very powerful inside. Because she feels the care and love from her parents, and love will stimulate a child's own motivation and creativity, she will also take love to explore her own life and do what she should do well, such as learning Xi.
With her mother's support and tolerance, she has drawn a lot of energy from her home, her daughter has become cheerful from silence, and her motivation to study Xi has gradually returned. Because now she knows that even if she doesn't do well in the exam, her mother will not blame her, she just needs to work hard.
Looking at my daughter's little figure, I deeply realized:
In fact, every child has a heart for the better;We parents also have a good heart for their children.Therefore, if your child suddenly becomes tired of school, rebellious, and has all kinds of "problem behaviors", don't rush to scold and scold at first, but should calm down, pay attention to this signal, and take the opportunity to reflect on your own education!If you don't know how to adjust, you can also join me to participate in the "Awakening Children's Xi Internal Drive" parent growth class, stimulate the real motivation of children's learning Xi from the source, and fully open the initiative of learning Xi, so that children have dreams in their hearts, light on the road, and walk on the road of self-drive all their livesHowever, we lack scientific and effective education methods, and often put a lot of effort and effort into it, but there is no good return.
If you don't want to take classes, you can also take a look at a book that can guide you on how to awaken your child's motivation to XiPeking University mother Mei ShiyingWrote this book "Awakening Children's Internal Drive".
The biggest highlight of this book is how to make a child believe that he has the ability to become better!And this is the child's inner belief, that is, the internal drive.
At the same time, this book is also a record of her experience in cultivating her daughter to Peking University, and she used the methods in the book to send her daughter to Peking University.