When children are tired of school, the most common question asked by parents is "Teacher, what should we do?"."How to do it, this is a continuous and systematic thing, we need to expand on the topic later, and gradually cultivate new concepts, new abilities and new behaviors for parents. Today, the first thing that needs to be reminded to parents is that there are things you can't do. Before mastering the scientific and correct method, there are some things that you don't do if you don't do no harm, and if you don't do it right, it may backfire and cause some irreversible damage. Children who are out of school and tired of school are psychologically fragile, and their parents must take care of them carefully, and they cannot continue to hurt or even expand the damage.
Here are three things that parents must not do.
01 Don't force your child with rough methods
For children who are out of school and tired of school, it may be difficult for parents to accept it at first, and due to cognitive limitations, some parents can't think of a better way, and may continue to use the previous, commonly used, rough, and coercive methods. For example, forcing the child to go to school, or thinking that the child has a problem, forcing the child to go to the hospital to take medicine or be hospitalized, or forcing the child to see a counselor and someone with a certain authority, or asking the child to go to work without going to school, and even parents will do some superstitious things for the child. None of these methods have been successful, except for a few cases of rural children who could not stand the hardships on the construction site and went back to school. This practice, at most, gives parents a kind of psychological comfort that I have tried to work on, and it only has a negative effect on helping children.
When it comes to educating children, there have always been two attitude choices, whether you want to "win" the child or "win" the child. This determines how you will treat your child.
If parents want to "win" their children, then they may use more control, commands, demands, accusations, lectures, etc., and this way of communication may bring about children's confrontation and rebellion, as well as more negative emotions and behaviors. And if parents often "win", children will often "lose". A child who often "loses" will have lower and lower self-esteem, his self-confidence, his sense of achievement, and his sense of worth. The child who is out of school today is a child who feels that he has "lost".
If parents want to "win" their children, parents will communicate with their children in an equal, respectful, friendly and cooperative manner. Children will feel important, will establish a good secure attachment with their parents, and will form a close and bounded parent-child relationship. In this relationship, both the child and the parents are winners, the child has a sufficient sense of security, worth and belonging, and the child does not have major problems growing up.
Now the child takes a leave of absence from school and returns home, suffering, anxiety, depression, not going out, not washing his face, not brushing his teeth, not taking a bath, black and white upside down, irregular meals, and even not eating much. Even if the children are like this, the parents still can't see the existence of the child as a person. I've seen a lot of descriptions of parents giving me: "The child doesn't care, the child is willful, the child lies flat, the child doesn't go to school, and does nothing but play with the phone, what should we do?"."I feel very uncomfortable when I see this description of the child, cold, and I can't feel love and warmth. So, what will they do with their children?In the early days, most of them will continue the previous method, preaching, preaching themselves, and then inviting others to preach, and in serious cases, there may be criticism, accusation and even verbal abuse, and in more extreme cases, there may be violent coercive methods. Does it work?At least not in the cases we've seen. And it will cause serious deterioration of the parent-child relationship, and even force the child to have no way out. It is impossible for these methods to "win" the child. You keep trying to "win" your child and let him move forward according to your plan, and in the end you find that you "lost" and failed.
In adolescent children, rebellion is a common psychological characteristic of their personality, and the main manifestation of this characteristic is: the consciousness and behavioral tendency to reject all external forces. Your coercion will only lead to stronger resistance and hostility. Historical experience, and the current situation of the child, determine that you can no longer use rough coercive methods, and you must think about how to "win" the child again, so that the child can come out.
02 Don't use deceptive methods to deal with children
In so many years of practice, we have also seen many parents use deceptive methods to want their children to change. One of the most common is to trick children into going to institutions such as Internet addiction schools. Some parents use clever words to trick their children out of their homes for travel or other reasons, and as a result, they are sent to an institution for Internet addiction.
We once hosted a couple whose children took a break from school and played games at home every day, and then they found an excuse to go out. A few young men tricked the child into opening the door, and in the midst of the child's fearful, helpless and angry yelling, the child was put on the Internet addiction school. The child stayed there for a few months, was scolded and beaten, and then he was honest and finally returned home well. When I got home, my eyes were full of hatred, and I hadn't spoken to my parents for half a year. I went to school for a while and stayed at home again. The parents came with a lot of guilt and remorse, but this serious damage has already been done, and it will take longer and more effort to recover.
We also encounter more cases where parents deceive their children and their families encounter financial difficulties, or even bankruptcy. Over the years, we may have seen one or two examples of this method that make children work hard to Xi again. Most of the children who take a break from school and are tired of school are very smart and sensitive, sensitive to other people's opinions, sensitive and delicate to many people and things, and see many problems more deeply than we think. So these pretended scenes are difficult to hide from children. And many children's problems cannot be solved by parents pretending to be poor.
Children who are out of school and tired of school are originally children who lack a sense of security, and their parents are the last people they can trust and rely on, but this kind of deception by parents will completely collapse the positive beliefs in the children's hearts. It is possible that he will never trust his parents again, he will not trust anyone. Do you need such consequences?Can you afford such serious psychological damage?
03 You can't give up on your child completely
Of course, there is also a kind of parent who has always been in the victim mentality and can't get out, and has always felt that I have worked so hard for you, and you have come to repay me like this, and I have always been indignant in my heart. When a child takes a break from school, and the coercion and inducement of themselves or family and friends do not work, parents will give up their efforts and plan to fend for their children.
There are two typical cases.
A father has always had high expectations for his child, that is, he hopes that his child will complete the goal of entering Tsinghua University and Peking University that he has not completed before, and the child is also very good, jumping two levels in a row, going to the second year of high school at the age of 14, the best local middle school, winning awards and publishing articles is commonplace. But the child took a break from high school in the second year of high school, and the father of the university professor couldn't accept it at all, and once wanted to quit his job, sell his house, and become a monk to practice Buddhism, regardless of the child. Later, I met Ms. Li Ling, and with the help of the team, I saw hope again. Once Kochi's father figured it out, the change was still very effective, the family atmosphere was better, and the father's must be the most important psychological nutrition for the child, and the child slowly changed schools and resumed school. Later, I also went to a good school. Of course, the father also accepts the reality that his children can't go to Qingbei.
Another father, the initial change was very good, and the results were remarkable, and the child returned to school after a few months. Parents who have had this experience know that their children's state will come and go, so we need to grow and change continuously. Later, my father took a course in traditional culture and accepted the idea that it was necessary to establish a family order in which the elders and the young were inferior. This caused a strong ** from the wife and children, and the family relationship became strained, and later the children were suspended from school again. This time, Dad felt that he had been greatly hurt, so he buried himself in work every day, avoiding to support his children with emotions and concrete behaviors. Later, the child strongly asked to move out on his own, and there was less emotional connection. Dad doesn't have the desire to connect, and the child won't have it at this time. Then there was no news.
When you were a child, some people said that your parents don't want you anymore, and it will give you a lot of fear. Mom and Dad tell you that if you don't want you again, you may immediately give up the toys or snacks you want, and your fears will overcome your other needs. Your parents don't expect anything from you, and your parents leave you in a deep sense of fear and worthlessness when you're in a difficult situation and don't care about you.
Children who take a leave of absence from school and are tired of school is a crisis for the family, both dangerous and organic, but more importantly, it contains opportunities for change. If parents don't give up, children will regain their courage in love and trust and create miracles together. The parent's renunciation will further validate the unreasonable negative core belief in the child's heart, that is, "I am unlovable, I am incompetent, I have no future". If this belief is constantly reinforced, it will be difficult for children to return to normal life and Xi.
In the process of helping children get out of the state of suspension and disgust, we must protect children's fragile minds, we must make fewer mistakes, and less mistakes are the best protection for children. An important way to avoid making mistakes is to learn Xi, especially with an experienced and productive teacher and team Xi Before mastering the method, it is best for parents not to mess around.
Psychologist Honey said: "Parents' inappropriate, unloving behavior can cause harm to children, which we call basic evils;It will form the child's basic hostility, but the child cannot show hostility to his parents, only hide or suppress it in his heart, so the child will have basic anxiety;This kind of anxiety will generalize in the face of society and other people and things, which is the root cause of children's psychological problems.
For parents who take a break from school, your influence on your child depends on how much they trust you. You want your child's trust in you, and you really can't do the three things above.
Provide you with a better solution
Change your child first changes himself.
Be the best role model for your children.