The sage and sage Confucius once said that forty is not confused, which probably means that when people are forty years old, many people have basically understood the principles of life, and they will become relatively more accessible, not entangled in the past, not forced on the future, less than the kind of fanaticism and passion that they have when they start a career in their thirties, and they do not have the kind of desirelessness and no contention after knowing the destiny of heaven in fifty. Forty years old is a watershed in life, and if you go to fifty and know the destiny of heaven, it is a new heaven and a new earth, and if you can't step over, your life will stop here. Forty years old is also an age of life, for many things, there is no enthusiasm for thirty years old, but it is still far from retirement, and now, forty-year-old young and middle-aged people are taking on the two major responsibilities of caring for the elderly and raising children, so at the age of forty, the physical strength has gradually declined, but the body can not stop, even if it stops, it is also restless and unwilling. However, most people, who may be forty years old, can basically see that they are old, step by step, and they will survive until retirement. Once, when I had just graduated, I was hot-blooded, passionate, and full of energy, and I had a huge resentment when I saw Sister Chen, who was just forty years old in the unit, lying down, and even despised her for a while, but later, when I learned more about her life, I gradually let go of those, starting from my self-concept, and prejudice against others. In particular, I have experienced a lot of things, my mentality has become more and more tolerant and easy-going, I have a better understanding of many helplessness in life, and I no longer have black and white thoughts about many people and things as I did when I was very young. Our deep understanding of others should be, when I follow the path you have walked, you will know why I live the way I do. I understand why I don't live like this.
I met Sister Chen when I was transferred to the management committee, she doesn't look old, but almost everyone calls her Sister Chen, even our section chief, and I call her that. Sister Chen** is dark, but there are almost no wrinkles on her face, she has short hair that reaches her ears, and the short hair is smooth on the side of her face, wrapping her strong and full round face, which looks like a black curtain every day, which is split in half, only half of her face is exposed, she wears a pair of black-rimmed glasses, rarely speaks in the unit, and rarely shows her expression. The first time I dealt with her, it was the unit to arrange activities, the section chief arranged for me to coordinate the members of the department to complete it together, because Sister Chen sat behind me, I first thought of going to her, just explained to her the intention, she immediately rejected me, saying that you young people should do these jobs, we will not use computers, we can't do it. I said a flattering word, but I was blocked in my throat, and I wanted to praise Sister Chen, but I didn't have anything to say to praise her, and I pulled the distance between me, but I didn't expect that before the words were spoken, I was blocked back. I smiled awkwardly, but still pretended to be relaxed with Sister Chen, Sister Chen, let me teach you, the computer is very simple, you can definitely learn it. She probably didn't expect that not only did I walk away without interest, but also continued to talk to her, stunned for a moment, and then returned to the indifference just now, and said directly, what is the use of me learning those. As he spoke, he grabbed a book of materials on the table, and gave the eviction order without raising his head, and I had no choice but to return to my seat. After that time, she simply took a few days of sick leave, and we came to work after the activities were carried out, I was a little indignant about this kind of thing, and even thought at one time that it was precisely because of the leader's indifference and connivance to lie flat that some people undermined fairness, and they could only take their wages and not work. Of course, these words are just thinking about it in my heart, and I have never mentioned it to anyone, but from the bottom of my heart, I do have some opinions about Sister Chen, and I am also unhappy with this kind of behavior of pushing the rotten work to others.
But after experiencing this, I found that in the office, everyone almost does not have contact with Sister Chen, and everyone will avoid Sister Chen when they gossip intentionally or unintentionally, and most of the time, Sister Chen is alone, and she looks lonely. Sometimes looking at her face covered by hair, and her gloomy look, I want to take the initiative to approach her, but I think of her indifference, and I am afraid of hitting the nail again, so I have no intersection with Sister Chen for two months. But the fate of people is sometimes so magical, we may not know who to get married with on which day, or we may not know who to go farther and farther, originally I thought that Sister Chen and I, like anyone in the office, maintain some kind of superficial enthusiasm, or superficial politeness. In the relationship between colleagues, they all maintain a certain alienation and wariness of the people around them. But by coincidence, Sister Chen and I soon had another cross-section.
It was a morning in Xinjiang where it had been snowing for several days, I didn't take the bus, I was Xi to the work and rest time in the mainland, I set off from the dormitory at eight o'clock, and I planned to walk to the work unit alone. In the foggy winter, I walked along the sidewalk on the side of the green belt, deep and shallow, the early morning sun was covered by thick clouds, and I could only faintly see a faint yellow shadow, revealing a cold light, like a salted egg yolk boiling in an upside-down pot. Last night's snow hadn't had time to clear, and it was covered with this morning's snow, so thick that it almost didn't cover your shoes. It seems to have been like this all winter, it has been falling intermittently, and it has only been cleared up a layer of snow, and it is covered with new snow, and the snow that has fallen on the ground has long been impossible to tell which day it came from. The shops along the road exude a lazy atmosphere, and few shops have not opened in the morning, but the smell of cakes from baked naan and the milk aroma of mare's milk boiled on the side of the street are mixed together in the air, mixed with the cold, and suddenly drill into people's noses. I love the mornings like this, and it makes me feel less homesick. I bought a cup of mare's milk, a naan, I walked, while sucking a mouthful of milk in my hand, nibbling on a mouthful of naan, every time I took a sip of the heat of mare's milk, I fluttered, plopped all over my face, and suddenly felt warm and sweet, it was really very **. Sometimes, no words or ideas can compare to the satisfaction of the most primitive stomach, and many years later, whenever I recall Xinjiang, I find that what remains in my memory is not a big deal, but such and such details. Especially those who walk alone in the snowy morning, eating roasted naan, drinking mare's milk, slowly, as if between heaven and earth, only I am alone, I feel a boundless and endless tranquility, it is a rare moment of happiness in life. Enjoy the moment.
I remember that one morning, when I was walking on the road like this, I suddenly heard someone calling me, I searched everywhere for the source of the sound, and saw the face of Sister Chen peeking out of the window of the car parked on the highway. She beckoned me to get in the car and said that I was walking alone on the road, I wanted to refuse, but I instinctively felt that it was difficult to be gracious, maybe it was an opportunity to get closer to Sister Chen, so I still went over and got into Sister Chen's car. In the car, Sister Chen asked me why I didn't take the bus, I didn't want to sweep Sister Chen's fun, so I said that there was an urgent matter at work, and I needed to go to the unit early, but I didn't expect Sister Chen to be particularly enthusiastic that day, she said, such a snowy day, it is too dangerous to walk alone, so I can call her ** after I have something. Maybe she has long forgotten the embarrassment of rejecting me, I smiled and thanked her, she talked a lot in the car, and shared a lot of beautiful scenery of Xinjiang with me, she said, I am advised not to work too hard, I can go out more on the weekend, Xinjiang is very beautiful. After arriving at the unit, I walked into the office with Sister Chen, and in order to express my gratitude, I went to the store near the unit to buy some food, but Sister Chen seemed to have returned to the cold and indifferent she had before, and when I put the food on Sister Chen's desk, I felt that the people in the office seemed to cast strange eyes. But I couldn't tell at the time that the monster came from.
Until I turned on the computer at work, I found a lot of messages pouring in from QQ, several people, are asking me, how to get so close to Sister Chen, I explained that I met on the road, one of the colleagues named Wang Ting, mysteriously asked me to go to the bathroom, I just arrived at the door of the bathroom, I saw her at the staircase waving to me, it turned out that she was not in the bathroom. I was a little reluctant, and I instinctively resent it because of the beckoning gesture, but the idea of not wanting to offend people in my nature made me walk towards the staircase. Speaking of this nature, I sometimes feel both helpless and angry at myself, and this helplessness and anger come from the fact that the other person who thinks that he makes unreasonable demands on himself in his heart, and also the self who always wants to meet the expectations of the other person and is embarrassed to refuse. As soon as I walked into the staircase, Wang Ting took my hand and walked downstairs, she was very tall, I followed her, and even stumbled a little. Walking very fast, I only saw her turn back from time to time, round white face, she said, I tell you something, when I say, I feel her gently squeeze my palm, that feeling, like an adult pinching her child's hand. We soon came to a secluded place downstairs, a tube well room on the ground floor, with vertical straight pipes leading to all parts of the building. Wang Ting pulled me to sit on the chair in the corner, I saw that the chair was covered with newspapers, I paid attention to the date, it was the latest that day, perhaps, this place should be the secret base of many people here. After sitting down, Wang Ting took my hand, still didn't let go, she said, I saw your kindness, I told you this, don't get too close to Sister Chen.
I was a little stunned, but all kinds of weirdness in the morning suddenly brightened up in my heart, Wang Ting saw that I didn't speak, and continued to lower her voice and said to me, Sister Chen is a dangerous person, everyone in the unit avoids her, and you still associate with her, which will affect your development. Then, she began to tell me the story of Sister Chen without saying anything. She said that Sister Chen was the one who almost became our section chief. Sister Chen was born in the early 70s, when she was in her 40s, she was a rare college student in the 90s, and she worked in this unit after graduation. She is the pen of the unit, the number one in writing materials, no one can match, in those years, the small meetings of the conference, the big and small affairs, the manuscript was written by Sister Chen. Sister Chen also relies on the importance of the unit, and because of this attention, she takes the initiative to undertake many things in the unit, especially with the rapid development of the Special Economic Zone, the task of writing materials is getting heavier and heavier, and slowly there will be many newcomers handed over to Sister Chen to bring. Sister Chen continues her usual desperate Saburo style, often pulling everyone to work overtime to write materials, in her eyes, the material is bigger than the sky, any punctuation, typo, is a terrible thing, she will take everyone over and over again, very rigorous, and once someone makes a mistake, she will criticize fiercely. In the standard of her work, there is no affection to talk about, she only cares about whether the work is done well or not, and over time, the resentment becomes more and more serious, but in view of her prestige in the unit back then, no one dares to say more. This is for several years.
During this period, Sister Chen was introduced, married and had children with her husband who was also in the system, and it seemed to be a very perfect family, and her life was moving towards a happy track. However, when the child was in elementary school, her husband suddenly fell ill with an emergency, and as soon as he was sent to the hospital, he was gone, and at that time, Sister Chen was still working overtime to write a very anxious material. Many things seem to be rushing together, especially when an accident happens, as if the trajectory of everything is to rush to cause the accident. That day, Sister Chen's husband's illness was so urgent, but Sister Chen was also spinning on the axis, no one expected that they were like two express lines, moving along the track at great speed, and suddenly they missed it, leaving only a place of grief. Full of the ingredients of fate. Sometimes, the so-called fate is the result of an individual's continuous competition with himself in the environment, and the success or failure of gains and losses is not only accidental, but also full of some inevitability.
After the death of her husband, Sister Chen was very sad, but she was not depressed, on the contrary, she put all her body and mind into work, and the children were sent to boarding school, only to be picked up at their parents' house on weekends, and she was like a lone wolf, plunging into the forest. Also plunged into the deeper part of the forest of the human society. That year, she aimed at the position of deputy section chief that had been promised her, and with her business ability, she was ready to go. Fortunately, in that round, she was victorious, and she became the deputy section chief Chen in the unit as she wished. But there are two deputy section chiefs, and in order to be promoted to section chief, in addition to the transfer of the current section chief, she must be recognized by a higher level, and she must show her ability to a higher level, and what she can do. After she became the deputy section chief, she worked overtime more often, and colleagues in other departments who had a talent for writing materials were often seconded by her to stay and work overtime. She was notoriously harsh, and almost no one wanted to work with her, but on the surface, everyone respected her and treated her with respect. At that time, she was a celebrity in the unit.
Time passed unhurriedly, Sister Chen planned to enter the section chief at the age of forty, which was all good, she asked herself, she was definitely not the fastest to rise, but she felt that the position of section chief was what she deserved. She was rated as an outstanding individual for several consecutive years, gave the head of the department a face, and was also designated to speak on behalf of the department at the year-end commendation meeting. When many leaders looked forward to it, she could thank the leaders, let everyone shine, and put gold on everyone's faces, but she turned the testimonial scene into a training scene, and began to chatter endlessly, and talked about business matters. She talked about how to write the materials and how to do the work, and the leaders in the audience looked at each other, eager to end this testimonial sharing, and then in the future, everyone will no longer find Sister Chen to make a speech. Speaking of Sister Chen's selfishness, Wang Ting suddenly became emotional, and said, Sister Chen, in order to complete her work, no matter how late it is, no matter what others are busy with, she wants others to cooperate with him and help her finish, but when others ask her, she refuses very happily. I asked, does Sister Chen have no friends now?Wang Ting said that she has nothing now, and the bamboo basket is empty.
As Wang Ting said, Sister Chen was not promoted as expected, and a young highly educated cadre was parachuted into the unit. She was hysterical, sitting in the office of the head of the organization many times, and also in the office of the upper leadership, and no one knew what she talked about. They talked, and the door was always closed, as if they were talking about something unseemly. Since then, Sister Chen seems to have become an invisible person in the unit, and when everyone sees her, they all politely dodge, they really can't dodge, and they smile awkwardly. As for Sister Chen, she sat in front of the computer, and she no longer wrote materials, she watched **, and also played with her mobile phone, but when I passed by, I felt that she was not working, as if she was showing it to others. Like a child, crying in exchange for what she wants, I imagined that Sister Chen's non-work at that time was not a kind of silent cryingBut after all, she didn't get what she wanted like a child. Everyone is farther away from her, and at this point, Sister Chen also understands that although everyone complained before, they didn't dare to openly ignore her, but it was because of the affirmation and attention from her superiors, and the position she was in at that time. The attention of superiors is always the weather vane of a unit, and people automatically learn the ability to identify sub-directional indicators in the environment.
Wang Ting said hatefully, what is her Sister Chen, everyone respects her and is afraid of her, but it is because the superior leaders attach importance to her. I suddenly wanted to say that the superiors attach importance to him, and it is not the person who plays the role of the superior, but the position of the superior. Thinking of this, I actually have an inexplicable sadness. When the bottom level is scrambling for the position of section chief, it may be no different from looking at a group of ants in the eyes of the superiors and fighting for the broken bread crumbs that people fall on the grass. I suddenly remembered that I was watching Mr. Zhang Hongjie's "The Prosperous Age of Hunger" at that time, and from the perspective of a historian, I saw that Emperor Qianlong was fighting with foreign envoys visiting China, the princes and grandchildren were fighting in the palace, the Confucian ministers in the Forbidden City were fighting for me, the county capital and state government outside the Forbidden City were fighting, and the guards and officials at the bottom of the yamen might also be fighting. What fights on each layer may not seem worth mentioning in the eyes of the previous layer, like a grain of bread crumbs that can be seen everywhere. But on the contrary, for the crumbs that fell, how many people gambled their lives.
Wang Ting was still complaining to me about Sister Chen's harshness, her voice was still very low, as if whispering, but the anger was really rushing over, but I felt a burst of sad and pitiful emotions, rising from my heart, we are all over our lives, do we have to spend our only life for these breadcrumbs?Think about Sister Chen, she is like an outlaw gambler, blocking her most precious things at the card table again and again, twenty years of time, a husband who didn't have time to see the last face, a son who can't be accompanied, in the end, the gamble failed. Before that, she seemed to have staked all her net worth and her life, and she lost her eyes. At this point, I think, why can Sister Chen slowly let go of that dedication to work, about to understand that the meaning of work is limited, and some things cannot be changed by oneself, especially, when you want to give everything in exchange for unlimited work meaning, it will be doomed to be a futile gamble.
After that day, I felt that I also really understood Sister Chen, no matter whether the way was right or wrong, she gave her best for what she wanted, and when she felt that if she didn't pay, she must have gained, she must have been unwilling, and had doubts about fairness and the system, just like me two months ago. Without the power to change the environment, Sister Chen changed herself. After thinking about these things clearly, I will no longer have that simple emotion or resentment about lying flat or forging ahead. Everyone is making choices with the environment, and our whole life is just a process of constantly debugging ourselves with the general environment. When I returned to work with Wang Ting from the tube well room, I happened to meet Sister Chen, I smiled at her, and she smiled at me, at that time, the morning sun happened to hit Sister Chen's face, which made her look very gentle. I think she should embrace and accept everything that fate has imposed on her.