Some time ago, a mother praised her daughter's ** who praised her daughter "according to the script", which became very popular in the parent circle.
This "reading from the book" is not a rhetorical device, but the mother holds a document of "Praise the Child I Have 100 Sentences", and reads and says it realistically.
In **, the daughter tells her mother while shaking her back to the screen proudly: "My mouth is finished!.""And what about Mom?She carefully checked the "Praise the Child I Have 100 Sentences" document in her hand and read out the 9th article: "Ah, it's great that you did it before I even said it!."”
The daughter then asked, "Am I awesome?"”
Mom turned to the second and third pages, and muttered, "I'll take a look...... while holding her mouth in her handYou're awesome", there you have!The mom found the relevant entry: "You're so proud of me!".I'm glad you did that. ”
The daughter was obviously very satisfied with her mother's compliment, ** ending with her sunny smiling face with a sweet sentence: "Thank you Mom." ”
The whole process went smoothly, and stunned a group of netizens ......Regardless of whether this is a real thing or a deliberate joke, anyway, a group of netizens bought it after reading it, such as this highly praised comment: !! laugh to deathAsk for an electronic copy!
The mothers in the group also said after seeing **: "Yes!."It's so needed!”
For a time, various versions of the document "120 Sentences of Kwawa Universal Template to Easily Cultivate Internal Drive" were circulated among each other in various groups. I don't know if there are any fans who have really taken this set home to operate.,If you try it, you can directly leave a message in the comment area to interact, how about the effect?
Many parents said that although they have nearly 10 years of experience in raising babies according to books, how to encourage their children when they encounter some specific occasions?I can't make it up even if I rack my brains.
Indeed, when it comes to the shortcomings of children, many parents talk endlessly, but if you want to praise your children, how can you sincerely and not deliberately praise them, praise them so that people love to listen, and praise them so that people are full of energy (full of power), many of us are parents, and we are really unqualified!
However, the matter of "praising children" has zero cost and excellent effect, and we really have to learn such a cost-effective thing!
The best time to educate is when children do the right thingMost parents have this experience, when you discipline your child, he always doesn't listen, and then you may think: Okay, I'll wait until you get into trouble.
For example, when your child is in kindergarten, he always likes to jump up and down on the platform on the side of the road, and you tell him: don't do this, it's easy to fall!As a result, he still has to jump up and down every day. Finally, once he stepped on the air and broke his head, then you took the opportunity to say: "I said a long time ago that I wouldn't let you jump, now I'm honest!".”
When your child goes to elementary school, you urge him every day to eat and change clothes, otherwise the teacher will criticize you if you are late for class. But he has to grind every time, causing you to rush to school on your way to school, and only enter the school two minutes before the school gate closes. Later, when your child is named by the teacher for being late for physical education class, you finally find an opportunity to teach him: "You should have a snack this time!".”
Although it is easy for us to think like this, in fact, this kind of education, in addition to making parents more relieved at the time, does not have a good effect on children.
The famous behavioral psychologist Skinner once mentioned,Xi is an active processWhen humans and animals act in their environment, the consequences follow. If the result is pleasant (positive reinforcement), they repeat the behavior, but if the result is unpleasant (punishment), they do not repeat the behavior.
However, since the concept of scientific parenting was proposed, punishment has gradually been abandoned by the mainstream school of thought in disciplining children's behavior.
Because later there were more studies to show thatPositive reinforcement is more effective than punishment in changing a child's behavior。Not only is the human brain physiologically more receptive to reward than threat, but punishment does not allow children to truly recognize the inappropriateness of the behavior itself, but instead forms a Xi of speculatively avoiding punishment.
Stills from Little Naughty Nikolai).
As for the effect of "positive reinforcement" in terms of academics, there are also some interesting findings:
In the classroom, teachers who spend more time advocating responsible behavior are more effective than those who spend more time responding to irresponsible behavior (e.g., gently reminding students to listen quietly and scolding students when they talk to each other). ）。
Praise for specific behaviors (e.g., so-and-so wiped the blackboard clean today) is associated with positive outcomes for students – including increased academic engagement and a reduced incidence of disruptive behavior.
Praise can improve children's intrinsic motivation, help them develop a sense of competence, and achieve better Xi results.
Praise is at least 3 times more important than emphasizing discipline or corrective statements (e.g., dopamine àn, not dopaān) to be effective, and the ideal ratio is 5 times.
Positive feedback works best with younger children (the minimum age was 8-9 years in one experiment, but it still works for adolescents as well).
Positive reinforcement does not involve the removal of rewards or the introduction of negative consequences for bad behavior, so it is simpler to operate than other methods of discipline and also improves student morale. Moreover, it can bring positive feelings and associations to the child, so that the current learning Xi is more likely to be remembered after the reinforcement is over.
Come on!Mom" stills).
After the theory is finished, how to use it in specific scenarios?
For example, after the baby's body test, I told you that his weight was a little overweight, and he felt that he couldn't get fat anymore. You can take the opportunity to say, "Looks like you're really going to start challenging yourself!".A few days later, at the dinner table, the baby grabbed a chopstick green vegetable for a long time, and you can also follow up immediately: "Wow, you can take the initiative to eat green vegetables!."”
Praise and encouragement neither try to deprive him of what he wants, nor do they provoke a feeling of rebellion in him. On the contrary, he feels that his approach is affirmed, that he is in a very happy mood, and that his confidence in losing weight is also boosted.
Imagine even once in a while, more than every time he was eating fried chicken and drinking Coke, reminding him, "Don't eat it!".What do you see you've gotten fat?"It's a lot better, isn't it?
Most of our generation of parents pursue scientific parenting, see through the disadvantages of repressive education, and become practitioners of encouraging education.
But although the encouragement is good, we must also pay attention to the method and praise it to the point.
If you can't praise it, it's better not to praise itFor example, if a parent takes his child to a psychiatrist, the doctor tells the parent that you should encourage your child more. The parents said that they were encouraged, but it was useless, and the child's mental state was even worse. The doctor asked, "How do you all encourage you?"The parent replied that every time my child did not do well in the exam, I would say to him, "Come on!".”
In fact, if this kind of general, no goal, and can't boast a little, sometimes it's better not to boast. Similarly, there are a lot of praise and encouragement that "can't be praised", which sounds not only perfunctory, but also infuriating. What do they look like, list a few to see how many people have been recruited:
no.1Ironic praise: "I really didn't expect you to win first place in the competition!".”
In other words, "I don't believe you have what it takes to do this." The result: a direct blow to the child's self-worth. He begins to feel insecure and eventually learns to be passively aggressive.
no.2 Comparative praise: "You are much better than that one, why didn't you win the award when he won the award?"”
In other words, "you are more precious than others". As a result, the idea that "I am better than you" is reinforced, and the child breeds pride and privilege. Don't belittle one to elevate another.
no.3Praise genes: "Yes, his good singing is inherited from his father." ”
In other words, "You're just born with good genes." Your success is not entirely your own ability, but your father's light. "Result: Instead of fully appreciating success or fully accepting one's own failures, the child learns to blame others for their failures and needs to rely on others to succeed.
no.4 Praise perfection: "My baby is perfect, so she will not do such a wrong thing." ”
In other words, "We only love you who are perfect." There is no room for human weakness in this home. "The result: putting pressure on the child. The child feels that she must be in control at all times so that she can continue to look "perfect".
no.5 Praise appearance: "You see, you are beautiful, slim and strong, etc. ”
In other words, "Your worth depends entirely on how you look." The result: the child is overly obsessed with unexpected features and abandons the cultivation of qualities that he would otherwise value.
no.6 Asking for Praise: "You're such a strong boy!."Can you help me bring this bucket of water to the kitchen?”
In other words, when a person is praised, he must give an act of service (courtesy). Result: The child learns to achieve his own ends through flattery.
no.7 Empty handlebar type(not specific).Praise: "Well done." ”
In other words, "I can't really see that you** are doing a good job, but I want to appease you with regular compliments." "Result: The child does not learn good reflection and evaluation skills. Since the praise is given, it must be specific.
Is there one or more of these things that you have ever said to your child?In fact, it is very simple to understand why children don't buy these praises, and think about it from another perspective: if the boss "praises" you so much at work-
You do well because our platform is good.
You're not stupider than xxx.,Why is this ppt just no one doing it well?
You're doing a great job, work overtime tonight.
How do you feel?You don't have to read from the book, you can also praise the childIn my opinion, many parents can't praise their children accurately because everyone focuses on the form of "praise". But what do children actually need?Actually, it isAffirmation and recognition
In a TED talk in 2020, a counselor (who is also a mom) shared his opinion: how can we properly encourage children when they are doing well?How do we communicate when children encounter setbacks and difficulties?
She said that we should guide our children to focus on what is the problem they are currently experiencingWhat are the solutions to this?Parents should inspire their children to figure it out on their own, rather than giving them a direct guidance.
When the child has come up with a solution, parents can encourage him to say, "Your idea is very good, go for it!".Even if the child fails, parents will not come up with a "you should have listened to me" gesture and proudly come up with their own plan, but continue to encourage the child to try other ideas until the child succeeds.
To put it another way, this is what education experts often emphasizeFocus on the process, not the outcome
If we encourage and praise children, it is the energy they put into doing something, the ideas they generate, their perseverance not to be easily defeated, and their determination to keep trying, ......Then even if there are no beautiful words throughout the text, and the tone is not so full of amazement, the child can still feel the care and love of his parents.
Even if the parents just state the process of the child's efforts, the child will feel that the mother really saw my efforts!
Seeing this, do you have a deeper understanding of how to praise children correctly?If you want to play a positive role in encouragement, then you might as well learn and use it, and see what kind of surprises the praised children can give us!