"I haven't walked this street for a long time because I don't dare touch my thoughts...."Singing the song "This Street" sung by Indifference and Yun Feifei on my mobile phone, I walked through this old street again, walked past the front gate of my original home, turned to the narrow little corner leading to the back door of my house (dialect: call the very narrow alley a corner) and came back, came out of the house, turned to the south corner leading to the school. This road, which used to be taken from primary school to middle school, is now deserted. At that time, the high school has been abolished, and few students have walked through the remaining elementary and junior high schools, and I am the only one who is full of emotion. The past is like yesterday, and I still don't understand, was it affectionately performed or hit a ghost back then? Let me elaborate.
More than 30 years ago, I was still in high school in Luzhen, and when I was a freshman in high school, Xi Huifang was already a sophomore in high school. At that time, the school was still a row of large tiled houses, and the sophomore classroom was behind the first year of high school, and she would stay in front of the first year of high school every morning between classes or before noon. Although I don't pay much attention to school things, I still have an impression in my heart that she has stayed for a long time and looks as good as a flower.
Towards the end of the first semester, due to the late sun around the winter solstice, when running drills in the morning, the school no longer gathered every class to run exercises, but let everyone run a few laps on the playground casually. That day, because I didn't pay attention, I tripped and almost fell while running, but I didn't care. On the way back, I heard her say to her companion that I almost fell. When I heard her words, I thought to myself, how could she see this matter so clearly in one second? And why do you care so much? Over the next few days, I noticed that she would appear next to me in the inner circle every morning run. It was like this for a few days, and I thought it wouldn't be like this if she hadn't intentionally followed me, which gave me a little idea, but it wasn't long before the school was closed for winter vacation, and I forgot about it.
After returning from winter vacation, she continued to appear in front of the classroom every day, either sitting or standing gently against a small tree, or walking around a few trees. She looks delicate and beautiful, and her clothes are clean and fashionable, like a landscape. If I'm fine, I'll look outside at her. But I know that the light inside the classroom is dark and the light is strong outside, even if I look at her, she won't know. I think there must be a few people like me who look at her beautiful outside! Sometimes I wonder, why does she always stay in front of the classroom in the first year of high school? Is it for me? I was taken aback at the thought of this, I was a short, ordinary-looking, sloppy boy who didn't like to learn Xi and didn't pay attention to hygiene. How could a big beautiful woman run to the front of the classroom every day for me?
Although I don't have that idea anymore, every time I run around school, go to the bathroom, go to school or go home, every time I meet her, I feel like she looks at me strangely. What's so weird? I couldn't figure it out, but at the end of the second semester, I finally figured it out. It turns out that although I always dismiss her. However, she never took her own eyes off me when she saw me. That day, when I went to the toilet and walked to the front of the classroom, I saw her looking at me again, and this time I didn't dismiss it and stood there too, looking at her. In this way, looking at each other from a distance, I kept insisting, thinking that the girl would definitely be shy and embarrassed, who knew that she would keep looking at it like that. The two of them looked at each other for about a few minutes, and finally I was embarrassed and turned around and went into the classroom. I thought to myself, is she really just like to see me stay in front of the first year of high school? If this is the case, I am a little moved in my heart, and I feel that it is really precious that a person can do this. I feel sorry again, I am an unmotivated garbage man, how can I be? Is she blind? Thinking about it, I think it's impossible, whether it's blind or not, anyway, I don't know anything and don't do anything.
She is a sophomore in high school, and she is also a senior in high school. On the winding south corner to school, when I met her to the front, she would stop, and then wait for me to walk to her, and then we would continue walking together. The crutches are not wide, the two of them walk together like this, no one speaks, but she looks at me gently from time to time, and I also look at her affectionately. Sometimes when I see her as if she is about to open her mouth to speak, I get nervous and quickly lower my head. I was happy at first. At that time, there were many children in the general family, adults were busy, no one cared about me, there was a recognized beauty who could wait for me, I was a little complacent, but, after a long time, I felt awkward, because I didn't dare to talk to her, and I didn't dare to invite her, and I didn't dare to give her things, besides, there was nothing to send, just like that, how embarrassing. I still don't want to call love good. I just wanted to avoid her, and when I went to school every day, I first peeked out of the gate hole, but I didn't find her, and then I went out. When you get to the south corner, take a good look and go again. In this way, I didn't see her for many days.
That morning, it was sunny after the rain. The sunrise in the east is exceptionally beautiful. As I walked, I admired the colorful glow in the east. The sun followed my movements, and for a while I hid behind the house, revealing only a little bit of sunset, and then hanging on the jujube tree, revealing mottled points of light, and then all came out, on the other side of the mountain, red, as if a little shy to look this way. At that time, it was difficult to get into college, and my parents did not expect me to study hard and Xi hard.
I walked out of the south corner and came to the main road. When I turned to the west, I saw her standing a few meters away from me, looking at me with resentment. I don't know what to do anymore? I looked back, there was no one else behind me, she was clearly watching me and waiting for me. I didn't dare to turn around and run away, nor did I dare to walk past her with my head down, so I had to make a grimace at her. She laughed, I laughed, and I walked up to her again and went to school with her. The rising sun sprinkled the earth with a layer of gold, reflecting our long figures, and that day, she and I walked very closely, to the school. The big iron gate of the school has not yet opened, only a small door has been opened at the big iron gate. She went in first, and then turned back and waited for me to go in, early in the morning there were few people in the school, we walked very close, and when it was time to separate and go to our own classrooms, she looked back at me and looked at me, and nodded at me, before finally walking to her own classroom. She walked diagonally to the west, and I walked straight forward, and I kept looking at her back. She also looked back at me as she walked sideways, as if she was afraid that she would not be able to catch it if her sight was broken, she glanced forward, and immediately continued to look back at me, until she was almost to the side of the house, and she kept watching me turn sideways until her view was blocked by the house.
I looked at the place where her back disappeared, and I felt a sense of loss in my heart, an idea to know if this was love, and I wanted to know what she thought? Is this what they call love? I asked myself? Will she love me? She is so beautiful, how can she love such a lewd dwarf and poor ugly person as me? Besides, she is the daughter of a commune cadre, and although our two families live not far from each other, due to differences in status, the two families hardly interact, her parents go to his class, and my parents farm our land.
I didn't want to have any thoughts, but how could I put them down? I can't hide it, she will pull me from heaven to hell with a look, go forward, take the initiative to talk to her, or when she wants to talk, I don't feel nervous and don't bow my head. I can't do either of these things, it's better to think about it or take the initiative to speak, anyway, it's all nonsense, as long as she is a little disgusted, I can treat her as nothing in the future, swaggering past her, so decided. However, the crux of the matter is, is all this self-inflicted? Isn't it all like that for girls? People just treat me normally? Am I too careful?
I quietly observed the beautiful girls around me, and I felt that the beautiful girls around me looked at me with affection. Especially those girls who I think are good-looking, they will secretly send autumn waves from time to time, which makes me unable to understand what's going on. Am I "Pan An"? I went home and took a good look in the mirror. Seeing that you can't be smaller than you squint. Thin face, thick lips, especially ugly. Think about so many good-looking and well-shaped boys around you, what is going on with you? If Xi Huifang has a soft spot, she can still believe it. However, I feel that many beautiful women like to look at me, and it must be my fault. Could it be that girls look at me because I look funny and ugly? But it's not like it, what is it? Annai can't help but want to know, and she doesn't dare to look at girls, what should I do? I can't stand the ** who wants to know the truth, I think about it again and again, and when I meet the gaze of a beautiful woman, I try to look at her once, and after looking at each other, when I see you again, she will keep looking at me. I had to dodge, which made me more and more confused. Take an experiment and think yes, just the second, the third...A few good-looking ones think so. However, she felt that it was impossible, and looked at the best-looking one again, and after looking at each other, she would still gaze affectionately. I didn't dare to continue, so I could only try it with the good-looking girls in the next class. I also think that the girl in the next class also seems to like to look at me. What the hell is going on?
I'm getting more and more confused, what should I do? I can be indifferent to the girls around me, but how to face Xi Huifang? She waited for me on the way to school, and I didn't dare to run away, what should I do? Even every time I see her, I walk with my head down, and I can't help but sneak a look at her back when I am separated, and she always looks back at me many times. This made me sink deeper and deeper, and I couldn't extricate myself.
That day, the boys talked about the girls together, and everyone said that the best-looking one in our class was Zhang Liqing, and the best-looking one in the next class was Feng Huiling. I said stupidly next to me: "How do I feel that many girls like to peek at me, Zhang Liqing and Feng Huiling also like to peek at me?" My words made several boys laugh at me together. I didn't refute or get angry at everyone's ridicule, I was originally a person who was often teased and ridiculed by everyone, didn't learn Xi, was short, had a clumsy mouth, often stammered, and everyone looked down upon. Usually, everyone laughs at me, and I don't care if I get used to Xi it. Everyone laughed for a while, and then began to talk about girls again, one classmate said that in fact, the best looking person in the school should be Xi Huifang, and then everyone was talking about Xi Huifang, so I was stupid and said: "You say that I am self-inflicted lovesickness with other girls, I admit it, and I don't think it seems to be Xi Huifang." Because she always stopped on the way to school and waited for me. When I said this, no one spoke, and after a long time, one of them said, "Yes, you are not self-inflicted, you are sick." With that, everyone dispersed.
In the next few days, I was ridiculed and bullied by a few boys who had good grades in the class Xi and had mixed up, and whose parents had jobs. Especially the one from the same village as me. His father was a physical education teacher, and he was beaten up a few times by his father in physical education class. To say that I was listless all day, daydreaming, and not decent. This makes me feel uncomfortable, and I just ask everyone, even if you are wrong, you don't have to do that to me, right?
The head teacher, Mr. Li Chaoxin, held a class meeting and said that I was self-inflicted, daydreaming, and thinking about what was wrong. This made me angry and hated the boys who spoke ill of me every day. Originally, the whispers between boys, how did I tell your father, your father beat me, and I had to run to the head teacher's office to add fuel and vinegar, so that the head teacher *** also laughed at me. Just look back at the students in the back. When I turned around, I happened to meet the eyes of my classmate Zhang Liqing. Her big eyes, so beautiful, were looking at me. I didn't hide this time, since everyone laughed at me, why should I be afraid of girls looking at me?I looked at Zhang Liqing's affectionate eyes suspiciously, and said in my heart, you can see for yourself, does she love to look at me?
I sat in the first row of the classroom, and Zhang Liqing glanced at me in and out of the classroom. The rest of the time she couldn't look at me. From that day on, I also intended to take a break between classes. When I came to the front of the classroom, I walked to the boys who had good family conditions and looked tall and chic, and after a while, Zhang Liqing would walk to the opposite side and look at him affectionately. I saw the boys around me, they saw Zhang Liqing look over, their eyes were straight, and their bodies involuntarily moved to her, I felt funny in my heart, in the face of beautiful women like this, handsome boys are like this, and I was just puzzled, asked everyone, and was ridiculed by everyone, even let the homeroom teacher laugh at it. You're too much of a bully, aren't you?
Feng Huiling from the next class will also glance at us intentionally or unintentionally, and I used to meet her to look at me. I just bowed my head immediately, and when I saw her today, I smiled happily, and she smiled at us.
It didn't take long for everyone to know that Zhang Liqing and Feng Huiling were really watching me, because in physical education class, Zhang Liqing, the tallest among the girls, stood on the far right of the front row, and I was the shortest among the boys and I was on the far left of the back row. She always turned her head through the line to look at me, which made the tall boy standing behind her itch with hatred. The people who used to laugh at me, they whispered together, and I didn't have the time to care what they said about me. Look at the classmates with thick eyebrows and big eyes, good figures, and handsome and chic appearances next to him, I asked myself 10,000 times, what the hell is going on?So many beauties are in deep love, I don't dare to touch them, especially selected three that everyone recognizes as the best-looking, but they are all affectionate gazes?What to do. First of all, I can only resolutely avoid Zhang Liqing's and Feng Huiling's gaze, Xi Huifang's gaze can't be avoided anyway, let her be!However, the trees want to be quiet and the wind does not stop, and I have obviously avoided them, but Zhang Liqing will still glance at my position first every time I enter the classroom, and then look back when I leave the classroom. Every time I sit in the classroom, I do other things in advance so that she doesn't look at me when she comes into the classroom. However, I always unintentionally met her affectionate eyes, which made me feel guilty and I didn't know how to tell her.
What the hell am I supposed to do?All this, am I being amorous?What should I do?It's too difficult to cut it all the time, and it's messy. Zhang Liqing is the secretary of the Youth League branch in the class, she is a good Xi learner, she sits in the back row, I sit in the first row, she is taller than me. The key is that she is from Guozhen, and she is still a town hukou, how could she like me?How is it possible with such a big gap?However, I can't ask her, let alone my classmates, I've already been ridiculed by everyone. If you want to say: I am short, poor and ugly, any girl in the class takes a fancy to me, I will burn high incense, and I will be willing. When I brought it home, my mom was sure to be happy. Zhang Liqing and Feng Huiling are both beauties, if they can marry home, it must be that my family can treat her as an ancestor. And Xi Huifang, why do beautiful women love to look at me?I'm clearly avoiding their gaze, why are they still like that?I'm getting more and more confused.
In order to forget my troubles, I often skipped school and sometimes went to help my mother work in the fields, but most of the time I had nothing to do, so I had to wander around, and there were many roads to Yanshi, and I had to cross a deep ditch in the slippery river. There are small roads from Zhaocheng, Sihe, Huachenghe, Sangjiagou, Matun, and Lijiagou, and I have walked all the roads. There are also many ways to go to Houdi and back to Guozhen, and I have walked them one by one. Most of my hair children did not go to high school, some of them worked in the fields, some worked in prefabricated panel factories and brick factories, some worked in machinery factories and wire factories, and some did their own business. Why do teachers and students emphasize hard work?Why do you always have to jump out of the farm when you always want to find a formal job?I didn't want to go to high school in the first place. It was my parents who persuaded me to reluctantly go to high school, and it was my ideal to go home after high school and be a farmer like Fa Xiao. Yes, classmates and teachers all say that they should be motivated and work hard, why can others easily graduate from primary school and junior high school without going to school, and go home to do things and live a dull life?My family is in Luzhen, and it is relatively easy to find a partner, and I can get married and have children like everyone else. And the key is that I'm not afraid of being tired, not afraid of sweating. Since my high school classmates like to work hard to get in and out of the farm, I will be alone and be an alternative, how good it is to be an ordinary farmer.
54 Youth Day was approaching, and Zhang Liqing, as the secretary of the Youth League, talked to me and asked me to study hard and Xi write an application for the Youth League, so as to join the Communist Youth League. I sat on a bench with her, facing her affectionate eyes, I deliberately said harsh and inappropriate words, and she couldn't answer my words when she wanted to be angry, which made her angry, but she was not angry at all, she just didn't speak, blushing and looking at me stupidly. She is very white, I didn't like white before, I like to be a little black and yellow, just like the wheat that has just come out of the summer has not been sunburned, and the black and yellow are shiny. That day, there seemed to be an inexplicable flush on her white and tender face, which was particularly charming. Coupled with her big eyes, double eyelids, straight nose, and charming little mouth, she looks particularly beautiful. I looked at it and was moved, such a good girl, how good it is to marry me. Even if it is to pay the price for her efforts, she is willing to go to the soup. For her, I have to work hard to study Xi, she is a city hukou, I am also admitted to a university, at least one technical secondary school, and I have a work ...... with herI started to think about it. But it didn't take long for me to stop the wild horse's thoughts. I still feel that I am still inappropriate, a pile of stinky cow dung, don't spoil others. No matter how hard she tries, her height will not surpass her. How to deserve it?In order to avoid embarrassment, I wrote the application form immediately under the pretext that I ended the conversation quickly.
54 Youth Day evening, the class does not go to the evening self-Xi, hold a performance party, everyone moves the table and bench back, the front is vacant to make the stage, the back students sit there as an audience, the regiment branch secretary Zhang Liqing is the host of the party, most of the students have a performance program, only me and a few people have no program, I sat in the classroom to watch the program, found that Zhang Liqing finished the program, and kept looking at me, which made me not know how to be good. The classroom is only that big, so you can't stop watching the show, right?However, as soon as I looked up, it was her gaze, and I couldn't avoid it at all, and when she looked at me like this, even the *** sitting in the classroom clearly felt it. I also glanced at her and asked her to pay attention to the eyes of the head teacher, she didn't care, anyway, she just kept looking at me, I was restless there, I couldn't help it, the performance was not over, I went out of the classroom early and went home.
As soon as class started the next day, the head teacher *** said: "We have a classmate who doesn't study Xi all day, doesn't do homework, seduces girls, and engages in love triangle ......."The teacher looked at me when he said this, and it was clear that he was talking about me. I'm so angry: if it weren't for the so-called Xi people who say I'm being amorous. If it weren't for *** you said I was whimsical, how would I be like this?Besides, it's girls who love me, and it's not that I take the initiative to look at girls!I sat at the front of the classroom, except for the day *** criticized me, I only looked back and met her gaze, and then I never looked back, all in physical education class, doing recess her looking back at me. And I had already clearly intended to avoid her gaze, and I didn't take the initiative to talk to her. didn't talk to Xi Huifang or Feng Huiling, and didn't even take the initiative to look at her. And when she looked at me, she also responded in those two days, and then she deliberately avoided it. How can you say about me?I really want to stand up and have a big fight with the teacher. However, I was born clumsy, so how could I quarrel with the teacher?But *** looked at him with a red face, and didn't say anything. It's just that the classmate was disqualified from joining the group. I wasn't interested in joining the Komsomol at first, forget it. Fortunately, since the criticism of ***, I have never looked at me as affectionately as Zhang Liqing, and a stone in my heart has also fallen to the ground, and it seems that Xi Huifang has not touched it in those days, and Feng Huiling has also encountered it less, and I feel that I have come out of the trap. My heart is also relieved, just to reminisce, I don't know if all this is a dream.
My family lived in a final courtyard with three entrances and four or five families. After 5 1, the school postponed the evening Xi time, I went home and walked through the front door into the yard, and walked to the middle, sometimes people had latched the aisle door, I couldn't pass, I could only exit and go around the back door to go home, and because this yard was inconvenient, my parents and brothers and sisters moved to another new yard to live, only I lived in the yard. A few times, I exited the yard and hurried to the back door. As soon as I looked up, I saw Xi Huifang coming home from school in front, she walked to the corner leading to her house, she was a little panicked and stopped to look at me, I didn't think much about it, I glanced at her, walked a few steps past her, and turned into the corner leading to the back door of my house. Another time, when I was walking out of the yard, she happened to walk to the front door of my house after school. She looked at me with a smile and I didn't think much of it, but I walked with her as I used to go to school during the day. The moonlight is so beautiful, and the early summer breeze blows, and she is particularly beautiful. I looked at her a little moved, but I felt that I shouldn't have said a few words to her, so I opened my mouth and couldn't remember what to say for a while. It was a short road, and I reached the corner of her house all at once. She hesitated to stop in front of me, looking at me expectantly. I stopped to look at her, and when I wanted to speak, I felt that there was nothing to say, so I turned and walked past her, and took a few steps forward, and turned into the corner that led to the back door of my house. After walking for about ten steps, I felt that there was movement behind me, and when I looked back, she didn't go home, just standing at the corner, so I turned back and walked back, thinking that it was better to go back and talk to her!After a few steps, as if her mother had called her, she left the corner, and I didn't find it interesting. What's the use of talking, I'm short, poor and ugly, even if I say it, she really likes me, and she won't really come together in the future. So, he turned around and walked away again.
When I came home from school one night, I went to the toilet and when I came out, a few girls happened to pass by. I heard a girl say, "Xiao Jia likes our class Feng Huiling. I heard her say me, and I hurried a few steps and followed them. There were three trees in the corner, blocking out the night light, and I could barely reach my fingers, and I heard another girl say, "Won't you?"Xiao Jia likes Xi Huifang. Then Xi Huifang said: "It's him—" Her voice choked, and she paused and said, "It's him, he had already gone home, and when he saw me passing by his door, he ran out and chased me." "Speaking of which, these girls have come out of the corner. Coming to the moonlit street, Xi Huifang suddenly ran forward alone, and I saw her raising her hands as she ran, looking like wiping tears from behind.
The girls are gone, and I'm still wandering the streets. I knocked over the five-flavor bottle in my heart, and I couldn't understand it when I thought about it, and when I got home, I still couldn't think clearly. So, I sat on the stone platform in the courtyard and thought: What is love?Why do girls say I like her?Indeed, Feng Huiling and Xi Huifang are so beautiful and excellent, I must be willing to do so. The question is, do people want me?I haven't asked, and I can't ask. Especially Feng Huiling, I didn't even look at her a few more times, but I have seen Xi Huifang many times. But is that because she looks at me more? The last thing that should be done is to enter the courtyard and exit to make a detour to the back door to go home, and Xi Huifang should not be mistaken for deliberately chasing others. I thought about whether I was amorous, I was short, poor and ugly, how could there be two girls who thought they liked it? I didn't take the initiative, and I couldn't untie the knot no matter how I thought about it...
I woke up in the middle of the night, and I fell asleep unconsciously while sitting on the stone platform. On a June day, there are more than 30 degrees during the day and only 35 degrees at night. I wore little, I was shivering from the cold, and my upper and lower teeth rattled. I had a splitting headache, I ran to the house in a groggy state, and I didn't have a ** suit, and I took out all the quilts in the box and covered my body, but I still felt cold. Still trembling, still clanging teeth, convulsions. It's uncomfortable to die, tossing and turning and uncomfortable and can't sleep. I don't know how long, I was confused for a while, I woke up and no longer trembled and convulsed, but I had a headache to death, my head hit the side of the bed and it still hurt, and I held it for a while, and when I heard the school bell, I remembered that it might be better to go to school, so I got up in a daze, and I didn't wash my face, and went to school slowly. Out of the backyard, came to the middle yard, walked to the front yard, and when I came to the door of the front yard, I saw that there seemed to be a person standing outside, and my eyes were confused and I couldn't see clearly, I didn't think much about it, so I continued to walk out, and when I walked to the door pier, I saw clearly that it was Xi Huifang, but she lost a lot of weight, her chin was also pointed, and her eyes were red. The eye bubbles were red and swollen, not quite like usual, she glared at me fiercely, I just wanted to open my mouth to call her, but she suddenly turned around and ran away. Because he turned too violently, his foot broke, and his body twisted and ran into the south corner, and he couldn't see it.
I suddenly became dizzy, my eyes darkened, and I sat down on the stone platform in front of the door.
I don't know how long it was, but when I woke up, I was already at the house where my parents lived. The whole family gathered around me, and when I opened my eyes, I saw that it was all black, only the edges were a little dark, and I could see things with squinted eyes. After a while, the doctor came, called the pulse, and prescribed medicine for my father to grab the medicine. After a while, the goddess came. As soon as I came, I said: I was fascinated by a female ghost. This female ghost died in an accident in a construction school in the past, and asked my parents to burn paper money to send the ghost after 12 o'clock every night for seven days.
I take Chinese medicine every day, and after 12 o'clock in the evening, my mother burned paper for me again, and after a week, my eyes were gone, and I was still dizzy, my eyesight was reduced, and I was weak, so I continued to take medicine to recuperate. I told my mother about Xi Huifang intermittently. I didn't say anything else, except that the door was bolted in the middle of the house. I couldn't go back, so I could only come out again and take a detour to the back door to go home, and when I came out, I met Xi Huifang. I walked with her for a while, and then I saw her crying and ran away when I heard someone say that I liked a girl, and in the morning I met her at the door and glared at me with red eyes. It would have been a simple matter. It's just because I'm stupid, so. It took me a few days before my mom understood.
My mother said that it was simple, let's go and ask someone to propose. Depending on whether the world is willing or not, don't you know everything? My father said that people's family conditions are so good and their looks are so good, how can it be? My mother said, "'A lazy man marries a good wife', maybe our children will be blessed?" Besides, there are hundreds of women in the family who ask for it, and people can refuse if they don't want to. "It just so happened that my mother's best friend was playing well with her mother, so my mother asked her to ask, and a few days later. He replied that he was preparing for the college entrance examination and would not talk about it for the time being.
Author: Sun and Moon Tonghui.