The basis of attraction is a reward. Both sexes
In the process of interacting with others, there are some direct rewards.
For example, a happy mood, a person who is good at listening, always makes people feel good. It's a good feeling that someone listens to what you're saying.
Such as being complimented, praised, accepted, and cared for, these are emotional support. Being praised by others, always being in a good mood, and having someone to accept and pay attention to oneself is the greatest reward for oneself, which can improve our self-esteem.
Another example is pleasing to the eye, socializing with good-looking people, even if you just say some trivial nonsense, you will have a good mood. It would feel better if people were good-looking and accepted at the same time.
Another example is the monetary reward, it is better for others to invite you to dinner than to spend money yourself, and of course, the partners in life can directly bring economic benefits.
For most people: the more direct rewards, the more attractive they are. This should not be controversial.
This is only a direct reward, of course, there will be indirect rewards, and if your girlfriend is in a good mood, you will naturally be in a good mood too. For a family, if a mother is in a bad mood, it can lead to a depressed family atmosphere, which is somewhat indirect.
Similarly, people who cause us negative feelings, such as being in a bad mood with them;For example, a person who often criticizes and accuses you;Another example is a guy who looks ugly like a ghost and chatters. Such people, who are disgusting, bring not a reward, but a punishment, and of course do not appeal to us.
There are many types of attraction, so let's talk about what they are.
1. Proximity: I like the people around me
Distance is very important, and when you are a student, you must have seen a lot of people at the same table become couples.
Studies have shown that couples are only 8 kilometers apart on average. Of course, as modern transportation becomes more and more developed and communication becomes more and more convenient, this distance is gradually increasing.
Once a person has decided where to live and work, he or she will also decide who will be the most important person in life. In the same way, people you hate will live nearby.
Why is distance an attraction?
The first is convenience, there is a saying that distant relatives are not as good as close neighbors. The next-door neighbor can sometimes be a big help.
In addition, the people around you are more likely to provide rewards.
When we were young, we would have a lot of friends, but later we found out that we often kept in touch with two or three people who were not too far away. Other people from all over the world may not be able to play a few times a year, let alone meet and gather.
Research on long-distance relationships:
Long-distance couples are not as satisfied as those who accompany each other day and night.
Married couples are more likely to divorce if they live apart.
After a long-distance relationship reunion: about 1 3 breakups within 3 months.
This is not to say that a long-distance relationship will not end well, it is just a matter of probability, a possibility.
With the advancement of science and technology, communication is becoming more and more convenient, as long as you are attentive, as long as your partner does not pursue the opposite sex around you, long-distance relationships can also be very stable.
Long-distance relationships can bring some problems, such as becoming cautious in communication, avoiding controversial topics, sticking to a good impression of each other, etc. This may idealize the other party.
That's why, long-distance couples are more likely to break up after they get together. No one is perfect, and when not together, the object is too idealized. When together, there is more conflict and more likely to experience disillusionment. And disillusionment is the number one killer of love.
2. Familiarization: Repeated contact
* Effect: Repeated contact that increases liking without causing boredom.
*Effect is also useful just to see**.
Even if they never speak, people prefer familiar faces.
A Psychology Experiment:
Strange girls appear in college classrooms, just show up, never talk to people.
As a result, the more girls appear in the classroom, the more other students like them.
Proximity and familiarity, these two factors are related, proximity leads to familiarity, and familiarity leads to liking.
Be aware that overexposure can be tiresome at times. Being close to hateful, difficult people hates them even more.
Therefore, most of the people I hate also live nearby.
3. Attractive appearance - like good-looking people
People have a prejudice against beauty, believing that what is beautiful is good.
I have this kind of prejudice, when I buy something, the first thing I look at is whether it is good or not, and I think about other things only after I see it.
It's the same with people, if a person is good-looking on the outside, we tend to think that the person is good in other aspects.
Female attractiveness - Men prefer symmetrical body shape, baby face, waist-to-hip ratio of 07. Normal weight, long hair, red clothes.
Male attractiveness - economic conditions, female preference for symmetrical body shape, masculinity, energy, less body hair, tall height, intelligence, red clothes.
It can be seen that red clothes can increase the attractiveness of both men and women.
During ovulation, women prefer masculine traits, while other times they prefer warm, friendly, and modest men.
In terms of the impact on social interactions, it is mainly in terms of opportunities to interact with others, and the attractiveness of men is more important than that of women.
Elders have a greater impact on men's social activities. A man with a bad appearance has to earn a lot of money in order to be as attractive as a good-looking man.
After all, matching is a broad equation, and fame, wealth, health, talent, and looks can all be used to attract the desired partner.
Good looks also come at a price:
For example, if you have a good look, you are more likely to be deceived, and others are more likely to fabricate your own attractiveness.
For example, if you have a good look, it is more difficult to trust others, and you will be cautious and suspicious of others, and it is understandable that you have become cautious because you have been deceived.
In terms of matching, when it comes to a quick short-term date, look-looking attractiveness is the most important.
But when it comes to marriage, in the end, people will choose someone who is comparable in appearance to themselves. This is the appearance matching, the appearance is very different, and the relationship will be very unstable. We all know about Wu Dalang and Pan Jinlian, the two are too different in appearance, this is a tragic story.
3. Etiquette - like those who like us
The formula for the likelihood of intimacy: expectation of a future partner = appearance * likelihood of accepting oneself.
Like us, but very ugly, it's not the first choice.
Looks good, but doesn't like us and won't waste your time.
It looks passable and is very likely to accept us, which is the most attractive at this time.
Everyone has their own adaptation value, that is, comprehensive attraction, and if their own adaptation value is high, they naturally require each other to have high value.
But not everyone can have a clear understanding of themselves, many people will overestimate themselves, and their natural expectations will also increase, and blind confidence will demand higher adaptation value, which will continue to suffer rejection.
When things are uncertain, most people don't want to risk rejection.
A little experiment in psychology:
When watching a movie, there are two screens to choose from, allowing the subject to make a seat selection. There are two kinds of seats, one is the only seat next to the beautiful woman, and the other is an empty seat.
As a result, when the content of the movie is the same, 25% of people choose to sit next to the beautiful woman;And when the content of the movie is different, 75% of people choose to sit next to the beauty.
Because sitting next to a beautiful woman risks rejection, when the movie is the same, he can't hide his motives. And when the movie is different, there can be an excuse to say that it is for the movie.
In summary, people are more likely to be close to those who are willing to accept themselves rather than reject them.
The best acceptance is selective and cold, keeping your distance from everyone but the person you want to attract.
4. Similarity: Like people who are similar to us
There are three types of similar attraction.
One is demographics, age, gender, ethnicity, education, social status, family background, etc.
The second is the similarity of attitudes and values, the more couples have in common, the more they like each other.
Similarity curve: After a certain level of similarity, the attraction does not decrease, i.e., there is no danger of having too many commonalities.
The third is the similarity of personality, style and personality traits.
Stimulus-Values-Role Theory:
In the beginning, attraction is based on stimuli, external characteristics such as age, looks, etc.
After that, moving on to the values stage, attraction depends on how similar each other's attitudes, beliefs, personalities, etc.
Finally, for a long time, the compatibility of the roles is more important. Consistency of basic life matters such as parenting style, career, and home. In long-term relationships, characters are often more influential.
The more similar the two are, the more attractive they are.
But this is not to say that if there are differences between the two, they cannot live and live together.
Some similarities may be more important, and the partner is consistent on important issues, which is especially rewarding.
The distribution of housework usually has a greater influence on the way children are raised and home life.
5. Obstacles: If you can't get it, you like it
Psychological Resistance Theory:
If people lose the freedom to act or choose, they will fight to regain their freedom, and if they are at risk of losing someone, they will want more.
During the epidemic, I was locked up at home, and I always wanted to go out and see what was outside, but I knew exactly what was outside, but I still wanted to go out. If you want to go out, you can go out, and that's freedom. When I was able to go out, I didn't feel anything, but once I couldn't go out, I lost my freedom of choice, and I wanted to go out.
In the same way, if there is someone who likes you and you don't like that much, and suddenly one day tells you that he may accept another person's pursuit, at this time, you will want to get more and there will be some differences psychologically.
The Romeo and Juliet Effect:
The more parents interfere with their children's freedom to love, the more they will love each other, and the more parents interfere, on the contrary, it will promote fanatical love.
I think there is no shortage of this part in our growth experience. The more parents and teachers interfere, the more passionate the love becomes.
Studies have found that when you are unpartnered and the bar is about to close, the likely opposite sex is more attractive.
Bars may have more attractive people of the opposite sex, but at this time, the person who is likely to walk with you is the most attractive, because the opportunity is about to be missed.
6. The ideal partner desired by both sexes
Qualities of an ideal partner:
1. Enthusiasm and loyalty, manifested in trustworthiness, cordiality and friendliness, acceptance and support, empathy, etc.
2. Attractiveness and vitality refer to external characteristics such as appearance and extroversion.
3. Social status and resources, economic prosperity, and peace of mind.
In these three aspects, men and women have different preferences when choosing.
Women choose long-term partners, pay more attention to enthusiasm and loyalty, social status and resources, the ranking is 3-1-2, and the least important thing is appearance. This is also why, Beauty and the Beast can live together.
In short-term speed dating, women value attractiveness and vitality more. Since it is a fast date, the first thing to look at is the appearance, which is also the reason why good-looking men will get more opportunities for different situations.
Men value attraction and energy, passion and loyalty more than social status and resources when choosing long-term relationships. Of course, you still have to get by by looks.