The famous philosopher Kierkegaard once said that there are three kinds of despair in life:
"Not knowing the self, not wanting to have the self, and not being able to have the self. ”
This sentence is perfect to describe Hans in "Under the Wheel".
Under the Wheel is the famous work of Nobel Prize-winning writer Hesse, and is known as "a lonely book for young people in the West".
Hans in the story was an excellent teenager who lived up to his expectations and was admitted to the best school.
But at school, Hans had to study hard under pressure, and was even repeatedly interfered with by parents and teachers in making friends and working.
In the end, Hans committed suicide in despair because reality was contrary to his ideals.
The whole ** is not long, but it makes people feel heavy after reading.
The fall of a young life has given countless parents a glimpse of the hidden wounds in their children's hearts during their growth.
It turns out that those children who appear to be "obedient" have been living very hard.
What you think is obedient is ruining children
Hans, the protagonist of the story, is a child with excellent grades.
His teachers and father encouraged him to keep learning and never let up for a moment.
Under the expectations of his elders, Hans hardly took part in any recreational activities, and had to study every day at eleven or twelve o'clock in the evening.
The father was proud of Hans's self-discipline, and in his opinion, his son was a rare genius boy.
But under the fame, Hans was very depressed in his heart.
He used to cry because his family didn't let him go outside to play, he was sad because his father took away his pets, and he also got a headache because of the huge pressure of studying.
However, Hans's inner struggles are all hidden under a dazzling halo, and few people notice it.
Hans was going to take the state exam, and as the only candidate in the town to be selected, everyone had high hopes for him.
But after the exam, Hans felt that he had failed the exam, and when he returned home, his face was full of sadness.
In order to cheer up his son, the father told Hans that he could fulfill one of his wishes.
Hans asked his father worriedly
If I don't pass the exam, can I go back to high school?”
Unexpectedly, my father was annoyed by this sentence, and he yelled at Hans:
It's so bad that you only think about going to high school!It's self-inflicted!”
His father's attitude made Hans fall into an ice cellar.
He couldn't imagine what he would have faced if he hadn't been admitted.
Distraught, he ran outside the house and was drenched in a heavy rain.
Fortunately, all worries were unnecessary, and in the end, Hans was admitted to the seminary with a second place result.
Hans was pleasantly surprised to hear the news, and he thought he could finally rest for a while.
But the teachers and parents told him that he should take advantage of the vacation time to preview the knowledge of the school, otherwise he would not be able to catch up with everyone's progress after going to school.
There was no way, Hans had to start crazy tutoring mode.
He gave up his favorite pastimes, and every day he either memorized complex mathematical formulas or practiced grammar with a dictionary.
Hans's headache was getting worse and worse, but he still gritted his teeth, for fear that he would fall behind.
On the "road to success" arranged by his elders, Hans moved forward with trepidation, fearing that if he made a slight mistake, he would fall into the abyss.
Hans, who is carrying a heavy load, is undoubtedly the epitome of tens of millions of children living under everyone's expectations.
People only see their hard work and excellence, but ignore their hidden hardships and suppressed diseases.
Self-awakening, give children the best family of origin", once put forward a point of view:
Parents' harsh and hurtful attitudes towards their children, as well as unreasonable expectations, can be internalized in the child's self-esteem, thus forming a set of anti-self internal voices. ”
I have seen too many parents who emphasize the importance of scores too much and ask their children to learn this and that.
Under great pressure, children can only hide their true selves and live according to their parents' wishes.
However, forcing children to make undesirable choices can only continue to drain their inner energy.
Everyone's life needs to find their own outlet.
Otherwise, they can only embark on a tragic path in anxiety and confusion.
The stricter the discipline, the more rebellious the child becomes
On the day of the entrance exams, his father sent Hans to school.
He asked Hans repeatedly
You're going to bring glory to the family, right?"You'll listen to the teacher, right?”
Seeing his son nodding his head again and again, the father breathed a deep sigh of relief.
After saying goodbye to his father, Hans began his school days.
At school, Hans made a good friend, Herner.
Although in the eyes of outsiders, the unruly Herner and the excellent Hans are completely different worlds, but Hans cherishes this friendship very much.
He often walked and chatted with Heyerner, and both regarded each other as confidants.
However, in the eyes of the teachers, Heyerner is a problem student who is likely to bring bad Hans.
For this reason, the headmaster went out of his way to talk to Hans.
He blamed Herner's recent decline in grades, even though Hans repeatedly explained that his poor health had affected his studies.
But the headmaster was still stubborn and wanted Hans to stay away from Herner.
This disgusted Hans, who said to the headmaster:
Helner is my friend, and I can't just abandon him. ”
The headmaster was so distressed by this that he wrote to Hans's father to get him back on track.
After reading the letter, the father hurriedly wrote a letter to his son, asking him to listen to the teacher's words and "change his ways" as soon as possible.
The incomprehension of parents and teachers brought Hans to the brink of collapse.
He gradually lost his interest in studying, especially in the subjects taught by the principal, and his grades plummeted.
On the other hand, Herner also encountered harsh discipline from his teacher.
He was forbidden to walk with Hans, and when the headmaster found out that Heyerner had violated the rules, he locked him up for several hours.
In the end, Heiwerner couldn't stand the atmosphere of the school and chose to drop out.
And Hans also broke the jar even more because of the loss of his best partner.
In psychology, there is a concept of "passive resistance personality", which refers to the fact that when a person is asked to do something he or she does not want to do, he will express his inner dissatisfaction in some indirect way.
Hans's rebellion, ostensibly an abandonment of his studies, is in fact a strong expression of the interference of teachers and parents in his own practice.
Growing children gradually develop their own sense of independence, and what they need is not discipline from above, but the respect and understanding of adults.
As a parent, you should listen patiently to your child's real thoughts and give timely guidance.
Otherwise, if you don't respect your child's wishes, you won't get what you want.
Don't force your child to live with your expectations
After Hewerner dropped out of school, Hans became even more lonely.
He was unable to cope with the heavy pressure of schoolwork and suffered from a severe neurasthenia.
The headmaster had no choice but to contact Hans's father and send him home.
The days of recuperation at home were one of the few leisurely moments in Hans's life.
He went to the farm to squeeze juice, wandered in the fields, and had a brief love affair with a girl.
But before Hans could recover, his father urged him to find a job.
The father was so worried about his son's future that he was anxious about his son's idleness.
Under pressure from his father, Hans had to find a job as a mechanic.
His daily work, which is welding and filing gears, is very boring.
But whenever his father asked him about his work, Hans forced himself to smile and reassure him.
Compared with his father's cross-examination, what made Hans feel most tired was the drinking situation of his colleagues.
He doesn't like the gossip of rambling and the braggadocio of his experiences like everyone else does.
But in order to show that he is gregarious, he will still force himself to attend the party.
In the crowd, Hans often felt a kind of existential nothingness.
He could only be in the corner, drunk himself cup by cup.
A person who has lost himself is destined to be miserable and hopeless.
In the end, Hans failed to overcome his inner struggle and tearing, and after a drunken day, he fell into the water and drowned.
Hans's death shocked his father.
He lamented: I really don't understand, what a smart child he was, everything is going in a good direction, how suddenly, misfortune happened to him one after another”
The person next to him whispered
Forcing the child to this step in the field, everyone has a part. ”
Hans's tragedy undoubtedly sounded the alarm for those parents who hope that their sons will become dragons and their daughters will become phoenixes.
If you ignore your children's true thoughts and let them go down a path that is not suitable for them, the higher the expectations for them, the more miserable their failures will be.
After all, everyone's life pursuit is different.
If children are asked to suppress themselves in order to pursue standardized "success", then the process of their pursuit itself carries the seeds of self-destruction.
Jian Yuan said in "Private Book":
People can't entangle their own character, and often in the moment of silence, they use swords and collars to meet themselves in short-handed combat. ”
A child who has been closed to his heart for a long time will only accumulate negative emotions, so that one day he will burst out and destroy himself.
The Road Less Traveled has made the point that people in the ununderstood group usually take two paths:
One is to close oneself and go to loneliness, and the other is to lose oneself and integrate into the relationship.
Hans in Under the Wheel undoubtedly took the loneliest path.
Growing up, his wishes were never truly understood and respected.
So he could only cut off his edges and corners and obediently walk on the path planned by teachers and parents:
Go to the best schools, leave good friends, maintain excellent grades, and look for decent job ......
In the process of choosing again and again, Hans gradually lived on an island, and finally became exhausted and died tragically.
The famous philosopher Fichte said:
Education is about cultivating people's self-determination ability, not educating people to adapt to the traditional world. ”
In fact, there are different ways of living life, and everyone has different issues.
A truly successful education is based on respect for children and appropriate guidance, so that they can become a soulful person on the road of self-exploration.
Don't force your children to live a "standard" life, they have their own way to go.
Only by learning to let go properly and giving children freedom can they cultivate a strong heart and embrace a better tomorrow.
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