Recently, a netizen raised a question on the Internet:
"After marriage, who in your family is in charge of money?”
This question has been bothering her for four years.
In their family, it has always been two people who manage their own money.
The family's expenses have always been paid for by her salary.
In the past four years, she didn't know how much salary her husband had received and how much savings he had.
And the only payment that the husband paid for the family was to buy a car.
It seems to be added for the family, but the actual user is still himself, and it is of little use to her or the child.
So, she thought about asking for her husband's savings.
"This family is for two people, why do you keep paying for me alone!”
She has repeatedly asked that she wants to take care of the money herself, but her husband just doesn't agree.
For this reason, the two have been deadlocked until now.
It has become a real marriage problem in front of his wife.
She may not lack much money in her husband's hands, but:
First, unwillingness.
is unwilling to give everything for the family, but the husband can stay out of the matter and buy whatever he wants.
The second is worry.
She didn't know how much money her husband had, and naturally she didn't know how much money the other party was spending to.
A sense of distrust of the other party arises spontaneously.
Ten points Jun believes that this may also be the reason why both parties in many families want to manage money.
Because managing money means being able to freely dispose of the money in the hands of the other party, and you can also clearly understand where the money is going.
But a lot of the time:
Those who don't care about money have words of suffering;
And those who manage money may not be happy.
I once saw a father say something to his daughter:
"When a woman gets married, she must take care of the money.
If you don't care about the money, it means that the two of you are likely to live an AA system when you get married.
It's better to have a day like this!”
As a father who has come over, he consciously saw through the nature of men and listed all kinds of "dark diseases" of men's housekeepers:
Gambling, giving gifts to anchors, borrowing and taking on debts, and spending all day and ......
Of course, these words are somewhat alarmist.
But there is an indisputable fact:
Whether male or female, if you can't manage money, it means that you have lost the right to speak in this family.
Most people are Xi equating "money" with "love".
That's why some people ridicule:
Husband How good the wife is, depends on how much money is given.
We can always see some**, some men** showing off how much influence they have over their families:
When does the other party offer to pay the salary;
How much living expenses can the other party receive in a month;
What kind of life does the other party live when he is managed.
Every now and then, something interesting will pop up in the comments:
Someone posted that her husband handed in his salary card as soon as he got married;
Some people say that the husband has just bought the marriage house and added his own name;
Some people say that if they give their husband 2,000 yuan a month for living expenses and invite him to eat a hamburger, the other party will be grateful to Dade.
Of course, there is no shortage of some men's remarks:
My wife said that wives are in charge of money in the whole country, and they pay 100 yuan a day to eat, aren't you like that?”
My wife doesn't care about money, what money does a woman care, just take care of the children!”
At the same time, there are also mothers-in-law who stand up and "hate iron does not become steel":
If my son gets married in the future and lives like this, he has to apply to his wife for a meal, and he will be quiet, I would rather he never get married for the rest of his life!”
What kind of life is this?”
If the daughter-in-law is in charge of the family and feels sorry for her husband, handing over the financial power is nothing. But if she spends money lavishly, she spends money on her family. That's really humiliating and embarrassing!”
All of the above remarks have their own positions.
If you look closely, it's actually a problem:
After mastering the "financial power" of the family, is the relationship between husband and wife still equal?
Back to the case at the beginning of the article:
In fact, whether the wife can manage the money is only the surface.
The essence is that in the eyes of the husband, the only value of the wife is to bring the children.
This is extremely disrespectful to the other person.
What's even more terrifying is that once the husband uses finances as a starting point, his control over the family increases step by step.
His wife's hard work and dedication, he will never take it into his eyes again.
What he cares about is only his right to speak as the head of the family.
The "master" of the family, whose master is it?
It is the Lord of the other side.
It can be seen that in many cases, the "financial power" falls into whose hands it is not based on who is better at handling finances and who can make financial distributions that are more beneficial to the family.
Rather, it evolved into a struggle for power.
Once one of the parties falls into the "power obsession" of the head of the family, it will destroy the most important thing of the marriage step by step
Respect and trust.
Tu Lei once said:
"The financial power in marriage is like a sword of Shang Fang, symbolizing high and low status. ”
Get the financial power of the family, in a high position;
Those who can't get it will fall into a low position.
No matter how much money the person in the lower position makes, he must give it to the other party for distribution;
In the end, how much money you can keep is up to the other party.
That's why everyone wants to be a housekeeper:
Being in a "high position" can not be bullied, and there is no need to experience all kinds of restrictions in a low position.
Because it's really hard to have no money in your pocket.
Some time ago, I had a friend who was ready to return to work.
Before that, she worked as a housewife for six years.
Talking about it, she repeatedly admonished me:
"Women should never be housewives, you never know how sad it is to have a palm-up life!”
She has been a full-time housewife for several years, and her husband is the housekeeper.
She takes 3,000 yuan a month from her husband to buy all the daily necessities needed by the family.
But her husband is very "brotherly", and always lends money to his brother and friends behind her back, with a total of more than 100,000 yuan.
But very few can be recovered.
She has no right to interfere.
Every time he questioned it, his husband would shout:
That's my brother, I'll lend him money to do something to you!”
"Now I'm in charge, I'm making money!”
Recalling those days, she only felt aggrieved:
"I'm like a babysitter and I don't get a penny yet. ”
And whether you are doing well or not depends on whether the other party's character is good or not.
If the other party knows how to be sympathetic to the partner's situation and can listen to the partner's advice, the life can go on smoothly;
And if he develops the Xi of "self-respect", he will only make his partner suffer.
Because the "economic upper and lower position" will gradually transform into the emotional upper and lower position.
People in the upper position will unconsciously ignore the efforts of the lower position, and constantly emphasize their own value;
People in lower positions gradually become Xi to obeying everything, constantly accommodating, and constantly giving.
My friend mentioned a detail:
If there was an argument between the two, her husband would always ask her to calculate every expense.
He wanted to know where the money had gone, and if she had withheld it privately.
In order to prove her innocence, no matter how fierce the two people are, she has to turn over every bill in the past and make it clear to the other party.
At that moment, I felt that even if I was reasonable, I was unreasonable.
That's an absolute state of mind suppression.
In addition, a long period of "trying not to be seen" can easily lead to people in "lower positions" having low self-esteem and insecure mentality.
At this time, if you want to change this mentality, you should not force a change of identity.
Strive to be the "superior" in intimate relationships.
Instead, try to position each other in the right place, to find a dynamic balance.
Not only see your own contributions, but also see the contributions made by the other party to the marriage.
To be clear about the facts:
This family is not owned by one person.
It's about two people running together for each other's future.
Speaking of which, someone may have something to say:
How can a housekeeper be so good?It's hard too!
Indeed, there is an old saying: "If you don't belong to your family, you don't know how expensive firewood and rice are." ”
What is the responsibility of the person in charge of the accounts?
From a family's firewood, rice, oil and salt, to education investment, housing loans, car loans, etc., involving all aspects of life.
They have to be careful and break a dollar into an eight-petal flower.
It is also necessary to set aside enough money in advance for the future to meet the children's future living expenses and the pension of both husband and wife.
After such a sum of accounts, professional finance may not be able to stand it.
In order to avoid these complicated family economic accounts, the "AA marriage" came into being
Each of them manages their own money, spends money for themselves, and bears how much they spend.
But in fact, how can marriage be so clearly divided.
Once you have a child, once it involves the pension and medical expenses of the elders of both parties.
The black and white distinction in money is easy to make each other feel guilty.
For example, if the two sides blindly compete for money, they can only have the same amount, and they can't "I have more and you have less";
For example, both parties hide their private interests, turn their savings into private money, and conceal their income.
So at the end of the day, there is still this ultimate problem in marriage:
Who is in charge of this family?
In Ten Points' view, there is no unified answer to this question.
Whoever doesn't want to manage money is better at managing money.
It is more necessary to make the best arrangements according to the specific situation of each family.
1. After marriage, the money is accounted for
Husbands and wives should not be ashamed to talk about money, but should be generous in talking about money.
Every account is not anyone's private pocket, but a brick and tile added to the construction of this family.
So not only to talk about money, but also to be good at calculating money.
Put the common income of the family on the bright side, and plan where each money goes.
2. Save a lot of money and keep a little money
This is also to allow the existence of "private money".
This does not mean that it supports the concealment of income, but rather the premise that the majority of income is spent on household expenses.
Each keeps a small amount of money as their own "pocket money".
This money can be used for daily expenses or as a holiday surprise gift for the other person.
3. Joint management of common accounts
Yi Nengjing once mentioned her parents-in-law's family money concept:
At home there is a drawer where all the income of two people is placed.
Whoever makes money puts it in a drawer.
To spend money, also take money directly from this drawer.
This drawer is their "common account".
Make money and save money together, and bear each other's contributions together.
This is to emphasize that the husband and wife are a family as a whole.
There is no distinction between you and me, no distinction between who has more and who has less.
Finally, Ten Points also wants to clarify a basic principle:
Husbands and wives manage money, they don't care about small money, and both parties know big money.
The writer Sanmao once said:
"Marriage cannot last long if it does not fall on such trivial matters as dressing, eating, and counting money. ”
In love, you can only talk about emotional ups and downs;
Marriage, on the other hand, must be based on practical considerations in all aspects of life.
Because marriage is to "provide for" each other.
Feelings are nutrients, and material foundations are also nutrients.
A marriage should pay attention to emotional harmony, and also consider the consistency of money views.
Be open and honest with each other about household savings;
When it comes to spending money, there is a clear plan.
At the same time, the money is clear, and the feelings must be clear.
A family needs to complete the psychological position swap from time to time.
This is what we often call "empathy" and taking care of each other's feelings.
Because everyone is in a different position, has different things, and has different requirements for each other.
When the purpose is not aligned, it is easy to contradict.
To resolve the contradictions, we need to empathize and re-examine the relationship between each other.
See each other's strengths and weaknesses, understand each other, and solve the problem.
Talking about money, in the end, is actually about feelings.
Create the future with feelings, and let money pave the way for the future.
Click[Follow]., may every family be able to talk about money generously.
Who is in charge of the money in your family?Is it well managed?Will it affect the relationship between husband and wife?And how to deal with it?
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