When I went out to buy groceries that day, I saw a mother in the fruit store loudly reprimanding her child:
"You buy this snack and eat it in a while, it's still so expensive, put it back, don't buy it!."”
The child stared at the snack in his hand and stood there, and when his mother saw that he was not responding, she raised her voice again
Can't I hear you when I speak?Deaf?Hurry up and put it back".
Every time it's because you're over budget and spending more."
Does this scene sound familiar?
Mothers who use the method of "yelling" to solve the problem of bringing babies are not a minority.
It seems to be able to quickly deter the child in a short period of time, but in fact, it breeds many negative feelings in the child's emotions and psychology.
There are even some children who, when they grow up, become like their parents, and when they encounter a difficult or unsatisfactory situation, they become very emotional, blowing their beards and glaring when they speak, and their volume doubles.
The art of communication is not only embodied between adults, but also in family education.
Say it well, speak slowly, education in a low voice is far more useful than suppression in a high voice.
Why do parents always lose their temper for no apparent reason?
Even the matter itself is not so serious, but the level of anger is much more than that.
In psychology, this way of dealing with it is a psychological defense mechanism.
It is used to cover up one's anxiety and weakness.
Every parent who likes to solve problems by yelling has "weaknesses" that even they don't want to face.
The father in the animated short film "Gone with the Wind" is like this.
One time when he was out playing, he accidentally noticed that his son was different from other children, his child could fly.
The father could not bear the strange eyes of his neighbors, so he forbade the child to go out.
As my son gets older, he becomes more and more curious about the outside world.
At this time, his father could no longer easily lock him up at home as he used to.
In order to prevent his son from flying again in public, he would put a large rock in his son's school bag
or take a rope and tie his son to him.
Seeing the wonderful world outside, the son forgot everything that his father had prepared before.
After entering the playground, he felt excitement and freedom, but his body involuntarily floated again.
In front of everyone's eyes, some people were surprised, and some people were afraid.
When the father saw it, he immediately ran over and dragged the child's clothes out of the playground.
The boy struggled with anger, his strength was so great that he was no longer the same as he was when he was a child.
Suddenly, the father's collapse and anger gushed out of his eyes:
"Can't you just be normal!?”
The boy was frightened by his father's appearance, and he wrapped his head tightly around the hat on his clothes, closed his eyes and remained silent.
The most immediate reason for the father's anger is that he can no longer control his children as powerlessly as before.
His relationship with his children can no longer be controlled by him.
The hideous yelling is a catharsis of his own incompetence.
Just like the mother mentioned at the beginning of the article, her outburst was due to the child's lack of response to her commandsAt that moment, the failure of "authority" provoked her new solution: loud suppression.
Does loud suppression really work?
The two children, who had been used by their parents with this skill, almost all had the same phenomenon: they did not speak and were depressed.
It did not solve the substantive problems, but repeatedly affected the child's mood.
The famous American pediatrician Adele Faber once said: "Never underestimate the impact of your words on a child's life." ”
For children, positive words are invisible encouragement, while negative words are like cold water poured on the head.
My friend who just gave birth shared that when the child was more than four months old, she held the baby and quarreled with her husband for a few words, and the voice was very loud.
Originally, the child looked at the small eyeballs here and there, but suddenly froze.
Later mentioned that she especially regretted it:
Be sure not to quarrel loudly in front of your children, even the youngest child can feel it. Yelling is also a form of verbal violence for children. ”
The harm of language is more impressive than corporal punishment, and the World Health Organization has called for a fight against any language-related excesses
Although excessive language does not have the characteristics of violence on the surface, its negative impact on the personality development and psychological development of young children is long-term, immeasurable, and even irreparable, and the backlash damage will even be latent into adulthood.
A netizen was often yelled at by her parents when she was a child, and her parents would always retort to her: "Children still have to be educated with beating and scolding to be effective." It simply doesn't work to talk well. ”
After she left her family and went to college and work in other cities, she found that she was always on the weak side in interpersonal interactions, and when she had conflicts with her classmates, she was the one who couldn't win.
As long as the other party speaks loudly, she doesn't dare to say anything:
That feeling is that a lot of words rush to the mouth, but you can't say it. Fear that after a counterattack, it will be more difficult to end up. ”
I can always feel a similar mood as when I was a child, and when others are loud, I automatically default to myself as wrong. ”
Reason is not in the pitch, let alone in the sharpness of the language.
Parents should learn to talk about the matter itself, not emotionally, before passing on the message.
There is a way of education called whispered education:
It means that when parents are educating their children, they should not yell, learn to lower their voices, and talk well to their children. A low tone can make people more rational and emotionally calm, and it can also relax children's resistance and rebellion.
To apply whispering education to daily life, we must pay attention to the following points:
1. Reduce the tone of command criticism when educating children
When your child makes a mistake, don't make personal attacks, such as:
It's not going to be, are you a pig?”
I've told you several times, are you deaf?”
Still don't understand?You have a problem with your brain, right?”
These words are not only useless, but also make children feel demeaning and resistant.
If you are very angry at the moment, you can say: "I am really angry and sad that you xxx did not do a good job, because I have already told you before, it can be seen that you did not take your mother's words to heart." ”
The child will feel that when he does something wrong, his parents do not dislike him, but care about him.
2. Make rules in advance, and be punished accordingly for making mistakes
Many parents always complain that they have never listened to them and are forced to use extreme methods.
It sounds like parents are very wronged, but children who behave in this way are often bad habits that are not punished in time when they make mistakes in the past.
Raising a baby is very similar to clearing the game, if you want to advance smoothly all the way, you have to make good rules at the beginning.
What can be done and what cannot be done. Once a foul is committed, it must be punished as agreed, and cannot be shirked or cancelled for any reason.
Only by respecting punishment can a true sense of majesty be established in the child's heart.
When the child makes mistakes in the future, it can be educated without effort.
3. Don't vent your emotions first, but express the information of the event well
There is something wrong with children, parents should learn how to calm their emotions before education, many parents can do a good job of emotional management when getting along with outsiders, colleagues or friends, only when treating children, let go of themselves.
Educate children to learn to express emotions, not express them with emotions.
Help your child point out what he is doing wrong, why he is wrong, and what the right thing to do looks like.
Every adult has been a child, and when we were young, we didn't like our parents to treat us in extreme ways.
Don't use momentary emotions to tear your child's self-esteem.
In case of emergency, even a little gentle and calm treatment can make children feel very safe.
May every parent be as calm but powerful as water.
Say it slowly, say it well.