[About the author: Li Luping, born in September 1988, is a native of Ganzhou, Jiangxi;His works have been published in "Youth Literature", "Prose", "Tianya", "Poetry Magazine", "The Great Wall", "Stars", "American Literature" and other magazines, and some works have been selected by "Selected Prose", "Prose Overseas Edition", "*Monthly Newspaper Large Character Edition";He currently lives in Nanning. 】
Rake the mandarin orange. "You say.
Good. "I left your bedside, opened the door to the ward, and looked at you again before I went out.
The wind in the south city was biting, and I hurried from the west city. The plane landed, the speed gradually decreased, and I saw snowflakes gradually falling outside the porthole. This is a rare sight in Xicheng, and I have made a special trip to the north to experience it. As I walked down the stairs and followed the crowd towards the shuttle bus, my eyes blurred. I think of the two lines in a poem I wrote to her many years ago, that year and today, the peach blossoms on the human face are so strange, but so similar.
The snowflakes were still falling, sloping in with the wind, falling on the body and the ground, and melting in a blink of an eye. I was wearing a long trench coat, my neck was bare, and I walked forward with my hands in my arms, still unable to keep warm, my hands were frozen. In such a cold weather, I asked what you wanted to eat, and you said you wanted to eat rake oranges, and I came out to buy them.
The city hospital is in the old city**, with convenient transportation, and almost all the storefronts next to the hospital are hostels, fast food restaurants and fruit shops. I walked through a few tired faces towards the fruit stand. Each shop is fully equipped with a variety of fruits, as well as assembled fruit baskets, almost everything. I don't need that, you want to eat rake, but I asked several stores in a row, but they didn't. The eager boss did not give up and rushed to recommend other fruits to me, but I rejected them one by one. I had no choice but to keep looking.
Sure enough, nothing was found. I have the impression that they are always somewhere on the fruit stand, and even if you don't see them, just ask the boss and he will guide you to it. It's just a kind of orange, I don't know why it's so unique, most of them are bigger than my fist, wrapped in white wrapping paper, and sold for a lot more than ordinary oranges. I first ate it because my ex-girlfriend liked it. She always finds some strange things, eats and uses, and cares about and appreciates them more than other girls. For example, in IKEA, she can always choose the ugliest one among a large number of animal pillows of different shapes. Around this point, she is more of a model of "ugliness as beauty". Now that everything is in the past, I have a new woman, we have been together for two or three years, and I am getting married.
I took out my mobile phone and searched for the nearest supermarket, I beckoned to take a taxi and went straight there. I just want to find the rake mandarin as soon as possible and weigh a few to bring back.
Near the hospital, for some reason, it always seemed dilapidated and crowded, the taxi was moving slowly, and the horns were blaring, but the pedestrians on the road seemed to be indifferent, continuing their movements and speed. The driver was silent, and I couldn't help but curse. Soon after spring came, I thought everything was thriving and vibrant, but when I woke up, I received a message from her.
The road from the hospital to the supermarket is not far, after passing through the crowd, the car quickly stopped near a shopping mall, I scanned the code to pay the fare, opened the door and walked off. It's not a weekend, there are a lot of people in the mall, the heating is on, everyone's faces are very comfortable, I think, that's the expression we should have. Fortunately, there are rake mandarins in the supermarket, and under the guidance of the shopping guide, I came to the shelf and found that the rake mandarin oranges are not expensive, but only more than three times that of ordinary oranges. When I picked a few and weighed them, I realized the reason why I thought it was expensive: the weight of each one was more than half a catty, three or four rakes and oranges, and more than 30 yuan.
Walking out of the mall, the sky no longer seemed to be snowing, and I was going to walk back to the hospital. These few days have really been like a dream, from receiving her news to finally making the trip, it has gone through twists and turns and consumed a lot of effort. When I came to the hospital and saw her on the hospital bed, the sadness that I couldn't appeal to seemed to break up at that moment. I didn't cry in front of her, but when I went to the bathroom and tried to wash away the fatigue of the journey with cold water, I found that the water on my face was always not clean, and I tried several times before I realized that I was crying. It was so cold that it was as if the grief and the nerves were numb, and the grief overflowed, causing the muscles to spasm uncontrollably, but the nerves were numb, and it was difficult to transmit them from the heart to the brain.
Scattered snowflakes accumulate in the corners, gray and white, and still not melted. There was no snow falling, but the cold was pervasive, and after a few steps, the hand carrying the bag was already freezing and unconscious, and I had to change my hand, but after a while, it was like this again.
Passing through the long silent hallway, I pushed open the door and found your head to the left, as if looking at the window** the sky. I walked to the bed and realized that you were actually asleep. I put the rake on the table next to the door, the heating was on in the room, I sat down in a chair and got up again, wanting to see what I could see out the window from your vantage point. In the middle of a tree with all its leaves, there is a bird's nest made of thin branches, which looks abrupt and dark even on a cloudy day.
When I returned to my chair, the chill around me gradually faded, and the low mood seemed to return to me. Looking at you without embellishment under the white sheets at this moment, the spots on your face are more obvious, your hair is dry, and you have a stiff curve, especially on your lips, which have a few small cracks. Your sleep is always invaded by dreams, and you don't know what kind of dreams it is, which makes a certain part of your body twitch from time to time, but you never wake up.
This appearance makes my heart ache.
I met you many years ago, you just graduated from school and came to our unit to apply for a teaching position. I happen to be in charge of the people part of the business, and I get in touch with the candidates, especially you. You were young, fresh from your Ph.D., and your eyes were big and shining with pure light. You are very beautiful, the young man who was in charge of collecting materials when he signed up saw your **, and exclaimed in the personnel office, and after a while, this admiration turned sour, his words were mixed with banter, and his eyes showed an indescribable look.
During my years in it, I thought I was numb too, and occasionally I would join in this kind of teasing, saying something ambiguous to someone strange or familiar, sometimes startled, and quitting halfway through, going back to the computer or leaving the office. I hate myself like that. I don't know if I was selfish or something, and I persuaded you to quit in the middle of your application. Maybe it's selfishness, I just want to keep your beauty and not be trampled by others, maybe I just want to take you for myself?What's the use of thinking about it now?
When I asked my employer to take a long vacation, they were all surprised. For so many years, I never had a full vacation. Perhaps in their eyes, I had already entered the ranks of celibate seniors ahead of time, with no close people, no relatives and friends (how could it be), no nightlife, nothing but reading books (and not knowing that I was writing). Over the years, my relationship has not been smooth, I have come and gone, I have no confidence in finding my other half, and I have lost interest until Wang Wei appeared.
After the leader signed, he didn't push the fake note over, but lost no time in saying a bunch of scenes, and finally knocked on the side, he didn't believe that the reason for my vacation was to visit my parents. My parents are still in a remote country in the provinces, relying on a few meager lands to make ends meet. But in addition to paying money on time, I don't want to see them, I have turned against them several times over the years because of the urging to get married, and I haven't been back since I left home last time on the first day of the new year. I insisted, and eventually asked for the leave slip. When the leader who was not interested gave me the fake note, he did not forget to remind him to hand over the work well and not delay.
The release of the unit was expected, and the last thing I knew was how to explain it to Wang Wei. She is also a school teacher, and she is in the academy every day, working hard and being strict with herself. She came here before me, I didn't know much about her, and then I heard some news about her from my colleagues, single, unmarried, and no one even saw her with anyone. These gossips often spread the fastest, and I am not curious about her, and I will even get bored when I hear too much. It wasn't until a school-level staff meeting that I happened to meet her at the venue, and my colleagues pointed at her like that. It's not as shady as other people say, but she has a different kind of freshness.
In fact, she has a lot in common with you. At first glance, I felt different from others.
I often doubt myself, like these eyes, and when I face you, I don't know if it's the light in your eyes that gives me the impression or the self-generated feeling I see you. This is just like the passage when Lu Xun commented on the theme of "Dream of Red Mansions": Economists see "Yi", Taoists see lewdness, geniuses see lingering, revolutionaries see rows, and gossips see palace secrets. In the same way, what kind of eyes see what kind of things and what kind of people.
You appeared in front of you with a small black backpack and a plaid skirt, with a pile of documents in your hand, and you spoke in a humble voice, but you were full of trust in strangers. How many people in this world are truly trustworthy? And it's me. After making eye contact with yours, I dare not look into your eyes again, there is something in them that I can't resist. Maybe I think of myself as high, but in front of you, I was defeated so easily. There must be something unspeakable in my heart, filthy and filthy, and a hint of shame.
At that time, I wanted to have a closer relationship with you, and that's what happened in my heart. Yes, I wanted you. At that time, I gave myself the excuse that since I was not married and I was not with anyone, why not?The first time I saw you, I had such thoughts, can there be any other explanation than those dark things in my heart?Maybe you've encountered a dodgy look like mine, or maybe you've encountered more daring eyes. They invade, prey, rude and unconcerned, but they don't deter you, you give up because of me.
I called you late at night without thinking about whether you fell asleep or if there were other people around you. At that time, you were looking forward to the job, passing the first two stages of competition, a good school, a very advantageous academic background, very competitive academic results, especially the classroom performance (I learned from other people's mouths), confident and talkative, and highly praised by the judges present.
Obviously, you are not like some people, who have already been carried away by victory, and feel that you are determined to win, and you have the chance to win. After that interview, you gave me a **, and your tone was humble, like the first day you came to hand in the materials, and carefully listened to the results. I'm like a business-like old stubborn who doesn't give you too much information and asks you to be patient. When I hear your tone, I can remember your expression, and I can't be happy for you.
It's good that things go on like this, but when I heard a certain director talking about you, and that disgusting thing appeared in his words and eyes, I suddenly realized that things are not simple, and there is a more real and cruel world outside of the life you and I imagine. There's almost nothing you and I can do about it.
I drank that night. That notorious man, after so long, is still sitting firmly in the Diaoyutai. His hook, in my opinion, is almost going to catch you. I drank and thought about it, and the more desperate I became. I've heard a lot of people report him, but in the end nothing came of it, and he seems to be more emboldened and more blatant. I lifted the wine bottle again and again alone until the wine was empty, I plucked up the courage, took out the **, and persuaded you to give up.
I don't know when I was standing by the window and I was distracted, and your moaning woke me up, and I turned my head to see that you were looking at me with your eyes slightly open. The glimmer in your eyes flickered, and it looked like tears.
Is it better?"I don't know what to ask.
You squeeze a smile out of your face, and two shallow dimples come out. "It's fine. "Your voice is a little hoarse.
I wanted to pour you a glass of water, and you said, "No, no thirst." I remembered the rake I had just bought, took it from the table, and said, "I'll peel one for you." ”
Put it here. You say, "I don't want to eat it right now." "You pull your left hand out of the quilt and point to the bedside table, on which are all kinds of pills, a copy of Dostoevsky's White Nights on the back button.
I tidied up the table a little, closed the book that didn't read a few pages, and put the oranges on top. I remember you've read this book, but I don't want to talk to you about it right now. Looking at the dead skin on your lips that seemed to be curled up by lack of water, I asked again, "Would you like to drink some water?"”
You look at me for a moment before you say, "How long have we not seen each other?".”
Time passed like water, and I confirmed it in my heart a few times, saying, "It's been more than five years." I remember that spring, you couldn't stand the troubles at home, so you left Xicheng and returned to your hometown in Nancheng, and found a school nearby. That was the last time we saw each other, thinking that we would see each other soon, who would have thought that after many years, goodbye would be like this. ”
Your gaze seems to be a little damp again, and you look away from me, looking at the snow-white ceiling, and talking to yourself. "I was so weak at that time, I went to Xicheng to escape from my parents, but I didn't expect them to push me harder and let me come back obediently. That's as fate would have it. ”
I have heard you talk about your family, the powerlessness of your youth and even adulthood, the gloom of your mother, the violence of your father, the fear of living in the shadow of your family. You want to get rid of it, but you can't. You once said to me that when your parents were making a fuss at home over a trivial matter, you shut yourself in your room, hid under the covers, covered your ears, and tried to escape, but the screeching sound of the cup and plate breaking reached you, which was worse than a knife cut. I remember you looking calm, taking a sip of your coffee and saying, "You know, I thought I would jump off if there wasn't a security net outside the window." ”
Wang Wei is a straight person, and it is said that because of this, her career promotion has not been smooth. But the two of us came together, so to speak, it can be said that the king eight mung beans are eye-to-eye.
Speaking of this, I have to go back to what I said, there must be some kind of secret connection between people, a certain kind of inner connection, which can be understood only through the eyes of the eyes, and understand that each other's hearts are connected. Love at first sight, love between the two is probably this secret association at work. We all seem out of place with the people around us, maintain an instinctive anger at certain things, and are able to be considerate of each other.
After that meeting, she and I were the only two faculty members who walked into the cafeteria to eat. I finished my meal, saw that the seat in front of her was empty, and walked over and sat down there. She was startled at first, the spoon in her mouth, and her cheeks bulged before she had time to chew and swallow the food in her mouth. I introduced myself and she didn't, she didn't know that I already knew her first name.
We barely spoke at that meal, I greeted her at the beginning, and at the end, she finished eating before me, leaving a sentence of "eat slowly", and left straight away, leaving me with a swollen mouth and a hmm-hmm.
Later, I met her a few more times in the cafeteria, and gradually the two of us sat together. I thought about it afterwards, I should have seen her in the cafeteria for so many days, but no one talked to me, I didn't know her, I always walked into the cafeteria alone.
The first time I learned that I was "together" with her was in the mouth of a colleague. I don't know when they bumped into me at dinner, I went back to the office and began to listen to my own gossip. It's a natural thing to do, when I feel funny and can't explain it, do you have expectations for her after longing for you?
It was not a sudden process, and we gradually calmed down our inner resentment and focused more on each other. She didn't know that I had ever been interested in other people, and when I came together with her, it seemed that because of her fascination with the similarities between the two, she cared more about me now, and liked to snuggle up to each other, be down-to-earth and peaceful, and have a definite part of life. Have I been cheating on her?But I've never betrayed her. Is it a betrayal to have a crush on someone else?I've asked myself that too. Before I met her, this fascination was gone, and it didn't bother my life. On the contrary, it was her "appearance" that made some vague things in my heart come back again, which is why we came together so quicklySometimes I'm afraid to think about the connection, there seem to be a lot of things in life, and you shouldn't be so stubborn to get to the bottom of it, just like a song sings, what you think is dirty in life, in the eyes of some people, that's sweet.
Vice versa. You received ** at that time, and you didn't seem shocked, like sooner or later you would know, but the news was too early. At that moment, I seemed to understand more of you, a different kind of you than I saw in my eyes. After listening to me, you calmly say, "Okay, got it." ”
I thought you didn't want to give up, and I was discouraged by my powerlessness, so I tossed and turned all night, and I didn't feel sleepy. Within two days, you called me and asked me to sit in a café. At that time, the admission results were not available, but it seems that this did not make a difference. After taking the **, I was thinking, what would you say to me?
As soon as you sat down in the café, you said you gave up, not because of what I said, but because of me.
Even though there was no one in the café and there was almost silence, there was a roar in my ears, and I couldn't get back to normal for a long time. Two strangers, how can one person's major choice be because of the other. After you said this, you kept looking me in the eyes, I didn't know what to say, but I forgot to dodge my eyes. There's something in my heart that can be sure, you're who I thought you were, and I read that right.
I was relieved by your words. The dark feelings I had for you seemed to have been swept away in an instant, and the tension between the two of them was gone, and they became relaxed. It was as if something unspeakable suddenly melted and disappeared, making it easy and simple to look directly and talk.
I didn't ask you why, and our conversation began to flourish. That is from that day on, we became real friends, without desire, but with each other, I would think of you when I picked up a book, I would think of you when I walked on the road, and even when I lay down, I would think about whether you were still reading under the lamp. I know you're there, quiet and alone, and like me, it's hard to find someone with whom you share your heart and who deserves to be trusted to each other. We are too much like each other to be lovers.
On some quiet night, I would open my eyes in an empty bed and imagine what it would be like for us to be together. Imagination is always so good that at some point in meeting you, I even feel the urge to confess to you. Maybe I did, and you just took it as a joke and let it drift away.
I've been struggling with my desires. At that time, I was always thinking about the reason why we couldn't love each other, what kind of person was suitable to be with someone like us. Maybe everyone is born with self-pity and likes to take self-portraits near the water, he (she) will either die lonely or find someone completely different from himself. We are like you and me in the mirror, reflecting each other. I think even if we are really together, separation will be the inevitable end, so what is the point of being together?
Whether it's day or midnight, in those moments when we can't help it, we have expressed our thoughts about each other, just as we have all said "I love you" to each other calmly.
We can't find a reason not to love. We can't find a reason to be together.