Why do you have to recover a relationship that seems impossible, the meaning of working so hard is **?Actually, I understand everyone's feelings, because you really regret it!If I could have controlled my emotions a little bit and done things a little more thoroughly, wouldn't I have faced a breakup?
Now the other party has resolutely proposed to break up, but what I want to tell you is that don't be discouraged at any time, recovering an ex is not as difficult as you imagined, that isJust do the right thing at the right time. You made a mistake in the past that you thought you couldn't make up for, but you can.
The reason why you want to recover a seemingly impossible relationship is because you still like each other, because you can't bear this relationship, because you regret and are uneasy, because you are not Xi not having the other party, because you are unwilling, and so on, no matter what the reason, as long as you have the answer in your heart, then all the answers are the meaning of what you are working for.
But why is it that the more we try to recover, the farther and farther away we expect?Why can't we move each other with the affection we show?Could it be that the man said that if he broke up, it would never be possible to recover it?No, many times, our efforts do not return the desired return, because we are working in the wrong direction.
I have accumulated more than 10 years of experience in the emotional industry, and I have seen too many cases of separation and integration, and found that many feelings that can be reconciled are obviously reconciled, but because the recoverer is blindly immersed in the emotion of falling out of love, he always uses the wrong method to reconcile, resulting in the ex who could have been contacted completely blocked and deleted, which is really a pity!
Therefore, in this article, I want to share the experience I have accumulated over the years, hoping to give some comfort and direction to students who are deep in the dark. Of course, everyone's relationship situation is different, if you want to find a more suitable method for yourself, you can follow me, I will help you.
First,Why is your effort meaningless?
Please think about how your so-called "recovery" is used to recover the other party?
Not surprisingly, the methods adopted by most people are nothing more than sending a lot of messages to apologize, asking the other party about the reason for the breakup, venting their negative emotions with the other party, humbly begging the other party to give them another chance, accusing the other party of being ungrateful, or even more extreme, forcing the other party to turn back by hurting themselves or hurting the other party.
Are you serious about breaking up?You've been ignoring me for days, can you have a word with me?
Why are you so ruthless?I've been with you for so many years, how can you say that you can let go of it
I've done everything I can and can't do for you, how else do you want me to be with me?
I did something wrong, you told me, as long as you can come back, I can do anything!
These words are ostensibly a sign of weakness, but in fact, every word you say reveals your true state, that is:Demand.
You've been ignoring me for days, can you have a word with me?Ask for a response
As long as you can come back, I can do anything-Ask for the other person's return
"Take", it means that I put my needs first, and you have to meet me. From the perspective of relationship status, if you are still in an ambiguous period or a period of love, this method can be used, because in this stage of the game, you have a veto, he has the upper hand, and he needs to cater to you in exchange for a ticket.
But at the same time, Lei is also buried, as time goes on, the woman continues to use the posture of asking for self-satisfaction, so that the other party continues to compromise, you are more and more willful in the relationship, the other party compromises more and more, and the accumulated repressive emotions are more and more.
Don't feel that since he loves you, he should meet your needs unconditionally. This kind of thinking is really harmful, whether it is a man or a womanWe enter a relationship to be more satisfied and happy, and if one party needs to continue to cede their interests in the relationship, but cannot get the corresponding compensation or return, then the relationship will break down sooner or later.
And after the breakup, it is clear that the other party is the one who has the upper hand, and you are still using the state of "demand" to chase back the other party, how can he satisfy you?He's only going to get more and more tired of you!You can't notice it yourself, until you force the other party to the point where you can't bear it anymore and you have to be blocked and deleted!
If the effort is in the wrong direction, the more you do, the more you get wrong. So now, please stop your blind entanglement immediately, calm down first, and follow my next article to reorganize your thinking.
Second,Why is our process of reconciliation so painful?
Why does a breakup cause us so much pain?Before we met each other, we were doing well, why would the other party's departure make us unrelenting, no one and no ghost, and emotional breakdown?
Sometimes, we don't really get out of the closeness pattern of our childhood, our parents and us.
Because intimacy is extended, what kind of intimate relationship template we have obtained from our parents since childhood, and when we enter intimate relationships when we grow up, the former template will appear, and we unconsciously control our consciousness, thinking and actions, which determines what kind of people we meet, what kind of people we will fall in love with, what kind of relationship mode we have, and the state when facing separation.
If there is a huge lack of the original family, the father role is not present, and the mother does not give you enough love, the damage caused by this lack will continue to accompany us, although we have been physiologically, but psychologically we are still the naïve appearance of childhood, unable to get positive life energy, there is always a huge existence"Separation anxiety".
This "separation anxiety" manifests itself in:
When you are in love, you are always worried about the other party's infidelity or leaving, and you constantly verify whether the other party still loves you by making trouble
When you break up, you can't face the breakup correctly, which will magnify the consequences of the breakup to the extreme, and desperately try to hold on in order to end the pain of separation as soon as possible;
But a good way to recover is never to be blindly entangled driven by emotional breakdowns, but that you are not higher than me, and I am not inferior to your attitude of neither humility nor arrogance.
The basis of reconciliation is two adults with sound personalities, based on natural attraction and unnatural coupling, and then decide to be together, tolerate each other, give to each other, satisfy each other, and grow together.
If there is a lack of emotional state, our first priority is not to alleviate the pain by recovering an individual, which is to treat the symptoms rather than the root cause, but to fill the lack in our hearts through acquired efforts.
This effort isFrom seeking satisfaction outwards to seeking satisfaction inward, transforming the passive acceptance of the weak into the self-sufficiency of the strong, from a taker to a giver, and becoming the source of one's own strength!
So the process of healthy reconciliation is essentially a practice, and the breakup pushes us to the edge of the cliff, forcing us to face our own shortcomings, and then recognize it, change it, make our hearts more fulfilling, make our emotions more stable, and adapt to the formation of a new relationship model.
If you are also experiencing the pain of a breakup, facing the decision of your ex to leave, feeling that the whole world is collapsing, emotionally collapsed, unable to eat and sleep, and unable to calm yourself down to rationally and correctly recognize the breakup and reconciliation, then do not impulsively entangle the other party, which will only make your relationship worse. You can follow me, talk to me, and I will help you sort out your thoughts, calm your mind, and help you judge the opportunity and opportunity to ease the relationship, and help you re-attract your ex step by step.
Third,Is it really impossible for a boy to say "impossible"?
Is it really impossible for a boy to say "impossible"?In fact, the most authentic part is difficult to express, and what is not spoken is the most important and true part of the heart.
Many people will take the other party's cruel words when they break up, but in fact, this is because we have excessively magnified the weight of the other party's words. Do you remember?When you were in love, he also said to you, "I love you for the rest of my life", but doesn't he still want to break up now?
You have to be clear,A person's language is often an outward manifestation of his inner emotions, During the love period, he was full of love for you, of course, he would talk sweetly, and he must have accumulated a lot of dissatisfaction when they broke up, so it is natural to say cruel words.
Saying cruel things can only show that he has strong emotions for you, and the point is not on what he said, but on the act of "saying cruel things".
Knowing that it hurts you, I will deliberately say it and use strong expressions to vent my emotions.
At this point, there is not much difference between men and women, and the harsh words at the time of breakup are essentially forSeek compensation, maybe it's cool at first, but when he sees you uncomfortable, he will regret and feel guilty.
At this time, don't believe these cruel words, let alone let each other talk cruelly, hurt each other, this will only make the contradiction crack bigger and bigger.
Actually, what you don't know is that after a guy breaks up, whether he has a new love or not, he will think of his ex at a moment when he dreams back at midnight.
It's because people have a sense of what they have"Obsession".Psychology can also be seen as human"Possessiveness",We tend to naturally see those people or things that belong to us as our inherent items, and boys will subconsciously regard their ex-girlfriends as their own.
For example, I have heard many lovelorn people say to me, "I have a good boyfriend now, but yesterday I saw that my ex was looking for a girlfriend, why am I still a little lost?".”
This psychology is like this, even if you are hated by your ex, he doesn't want to see you anymore, but he stubbornly thinks that "you belong to him" in his mind, which gives us countless possibilities to provoke the other party's emotions.
But we also need to know one thing"Thinking of you" is not the same as "he will turn back".
If you just stand in place stupidly, then the other party is just staying at the level of nostalgia for the good memories of the past, and will never move the slightest idea of reconciliation.
Because before he broke up, he had proved countless times that "breaking up with you was the right decision", and he was disappointed enough, and he decided to break up.
No matter how entangled you are, no matter how much you make peace, doesn't he know that "you still like him", he actually knows very well, but if you like him, that's your business, why should he pay for your needs?
A guy who has decided to break up will become extremely rational, "you still like him" will not do anything for him, and he will not want to repeat the same mistakes with the same you because of impulsiveness;
You see, when he's thinking about "whether to reconcile or not," you seeIt's not about how much you like him, it's about whether the relationship is worth looking back on.
In other words, this is not the same as before, he will no longer accommodate you like before, and you want to make him turn backYou can no longer start from the perspective of your own needs, but from the perspective of the needs of the other partyto think about what he needs, what factors motivate him to leave, and what factors can attract the other person to come back-You need to put yourself in their shoes.
Why is your sum rejected again and again by the predecessor?Because you have "intolerable character flaws" in you, after the breakup, you did not correct them in time, but magnified your own character shortcomings again in an entangled way, then the ex naturally has no reason to turn back, let alone have the courage to convince yourself to turn back.
If you want your ex's attitude towards you to soften, then you must first do it - do a full [review] of past feelings, find out what the other party broke up for, and what "warning signs" the other party has released to you before parting.
How much hope you have of reconciliation depends not on your ex's attitude towards you, but on how many shortcomings you are able to recognize and how many effective changes you can make.
This step is very important, it directly determines your later reconciliation results, if you need help, you can follow me, talk to me about your situation, I will help you analyze and guide from the professional perspective of the consultant.
Fourth,How to re-enter the life of your ex
If you want to smoothly re-enter your ex's life after a breakup, you must not appear in front of him with the posture and identity of "seeking reconciliation", because the other party's impression of you has not improved in his heart now, even if you have changed very well, the other party did not see it, nor did he accept and believe it at this time, so if you plan to reconcile to contact the other party, he will resist and defend you, and any of your actions will be interpreted by the other party as "you want to do something" (Break up because of pain, if you want to reconcile, I will definitely suffer again).
Therefore, when your actions have a clear purpose, the other party will subconsciously resist, and they will not have the heart to listen to what you say and do.
The best posture and identity is to think of yourself as the other person"Ordinary friends"., the best way is to go as a normal friend"Temptation".
In the early stage of contact, the topics of low-frequency *** chats should not be too intimate and private, just limited to ordinary friends, and use some reasonable and seemingly non-offensive ways to contact each other and test the other party's attitude!
For example, did you have anything with him during your time together?
You can say, "I suddenly found out that the bank card is still with you, when can I get it?"”
If the other party replies: "Okay, I'll let the courier deliver to your company." ”(This means that the other party is still resistant to you, and he doesn't want to see you).
If the other party replies: "Okay, come and get it when you have time, I'll send it to you in two days." ”（This sentence means that you can still meet in person, maybe he doesn't know why he is meeting, but this is a good attitude, indicating that there is less resistance and you can communicate a little deeper).
What he does, what he's good at, these are all excuses for you to ask the other person for help.
For example, if he is a lawyer, you can say that you have recently encountered some lawsuits, and you should consult him
For example, if he is good at repairing computers, you say that the computer does not know how to freeze, and ask him to help take a look
For example, if he likes to work out, you can say that you want to get a fitness card recently, and ask him which gym is better
Look for topics that seem to be "desireless", need the other party's reply, and at the same time do not require the other party to put a lot of energy, the other party will generally not refuse, and your topic will be opened, and you can use this to test his current attitude towards you through the other party's response.
If he is cold to you, it means that he is still repulsive towards you, and you can wait for a while to find a suitable topic, and at the same time continue to show the other party your changes through the circle of friends
If the other party's attitude towards you is relatively good, everyone must not feel that reconciliation is promising, so they begin to entangle and expose their sense of need, and it is easy to provoke the other party's rejection of you because of blind entanglement.
The current attitude towards you is relatively good, which can only show that he is not exclusive to you to this level, and what you need to do is to promote the relationship step by step at the current stage, rather than sticking a rod into the end and immediately seeking reconciliation.
Remember, don't try to win the sympathy of the other party by selling miserably, hoping that your ex will relent.
Because since a boy has made up his mind to break up with you, it is bound to be in his eyesYou are a "low-value" person, and the relationship has no value to attract him to stay.
Therefore, you should attract each other by showing your own ** value, provide good emotional value to each other through relaxed and lively chat content, and attract each other's attention through the excitement of daily life and self-improvement, the overall tone isBe positive
Everyone likes to be in contact with people with positive energy, not people with negative energy. You sell miserably to win the sympathy of the other party, only applicable to "he still loves you", "you are still his girlfriend", your weakness can stimulate the other party's desire to protect, but now it is not suitable, blindly selling miserable will only make the other party happy "It's good to break up with you".
True love is the mutual attraction between two people, rather than unilaterally showing weakness to win each other's sympathy, which everyone must always keep in mind.
Once it comes to contact with the ex, the reunion, it is a test of personal emotional experience and methods and skills, whether it is the content of the circle of friends, or the words of chatting, the planning of relationship promotion, the skills of value display, etc., all need to be adjusted according to the characteristics of the ex.
Fifth,How to regain the attention of your ex
In a nutshell:Restart your life
What you have to do is not to spend your time and energy on the other person, but on yourself;Don't lower yourself to move the other party, but elevate yourself to attract the other party, and live yourself as the other party's "unreachable" existence.
The essence of long-term interpersonal relationships is not how much you pay for him, but that you know how to invest in yourself, improve yourself, and become the [upper limit of mate selection] of your ex - value is the foundation that determines your status in the relationship.
If your ex finds that after the breakup, you are getting better and better, and he can't find a better person to replace you, he will realize that "what he once missed is the best", then he will naturally re-examine the relationship with you.
So, think about what the other person likes and needs, what his ideal partner looks like, and what shortcomings you have exposed in your past relationships, and then change them in a targeted manner. Doing what he likes can attract the other party to the greatest extent, otherwise, he obviously wants an apple, and if you give him a basket of pears, it will not attract the other party.
At the same time, go to fitness, improve clothing, make yourself look more refined, constantly expand the high-quality social circle, cultivate a new hobby, and constantly improve your ideological cognition. These are the shining points that everyone likes, so that they can have new highlights to surprise each other, and at the same time indirectly display them through the circle of friends for each other to see.
Don't worry about your ex not being able to see it, people are subconsciously paying attention to their ex "whether they are better off than themselves", so every change you make and the generation of new attraction points can actually add a point to your ex's heart.
So you figured it out?What's the most important thing you should recover?
It's not the ex, it's not the relationship that ended without a problem, it's thatYou should have been better yourself
Never focus on anyone in the outside world, otherwise all your attention will revolve around that person, and at this time, the other person's every move will form a huge storm in your small world, and you will easily suffer from gains and losses, and your mentality will be unbalanced. You don't have the energy to improve yourself, but you keep raising each other, then the distance between you will get bigger and bigger, and when the other party is Xi being high, then kicking you away is just a matter of his kick.
Your focus should be on yourself, and when your focus is on yourself, your mindset will be more stable, because you have a sense of control over yourself, and you can have the final say. Put more energy into solving problems, think about what this failed relationship has taught you, reflect on the problems you have exposed and constantly improve yourself, not only to improve your external value, but also to enhance your inner strength.
When you become a calm, calm, confident, and focused woman, you show a gesture of attraction, and you and the other person's personality and status are equal.
Finally, I wish everyone can gain a better and more confident self through this breakup!If you have any other questions, please follow me and I will help you.
Emotional counseling