Article** Huaizuo.
Last night, it was very cold, and my dad and I took my mom to a nearby hospital. The reason was that my mother had a bad stomach in the evening, and I said that it was better to go to the hospital for a check-up at home to let people see what was going on.
To be honest, I was actually worried, and looking at my dad's expression, I was even more worried, but we maintained a basic tacit understanding and didn't say anything on the way. When I arrived at the hospital, I checked it, took the list in two hours, and then let the doctor see it. During this period, my mother's stomach no longer hurts, but she also asked me repeatedly, how did it write on the list just now, it will be fine, I just came up to take my grandson, but don't have anything.
I didn't like it because my mom couldn't read or write, so I made it out of my way to emphasize to her that the list was full of data, and I couldn't read it, so I needed to let the doctor see it. In the end, the doctor read it and said that there was no major problem, go back and pay attention to your diet, try to be light, and drink plenty of water. I was not at ease and asked the doctor if I wanted an infusionPeople smiled and said that the data was normal, and there was nothing to infuse.
On the way back, although it was still so cold, we were in a much happier mood, talking and laughing. Since having a baby this year, the way I look at everything in my life and my family has changed. As far as the saying goes, raising children knows the kindness of their parents, which means that you can only know the subtleties of life after you have personal experience. Now the idea is also very simple, I hope that my family is well, healthy and happy, which is the most important thing.
In the blink of an eye, 2023 is coming to an end, and I want to write an annual review as usual. The articles in the past two years have basically been event-centric, writing about the major events of the year and talking about feelings. After thinking about it, in this year's article, I will take the birth of a child as the basic point, and then on this basis, I will talk about the changes in my concepts and practices.
In this way, it is also more realistic.
1. Before and after the birth of the child
Before the child was born, I didn't feel much, I had no experience, and I couldn't predict my feelings for the child, I just felt that it was a big deal, and I had to do everything that needed to be done. On the night I went to the hospital, my daughter-in-law was in the delivery room, and the doctor asked me to sign a lot, and I asked what time it was, and the other party told me that it should be at noon.
Unexpectedly, as soon as I went out to sit for a while, the child was born. When I saw my daughter-in-law and children in the morning, I couldn't accurately describe how I felt at that time, but I remember that when I was hospitalized and asked to take my children to get vaccinated, I was very distressed.
At that time, the baby was very small and ugly, and was wrapped in layers of quilts. As I pushed the hospital cart forward, I was afraid of turning the child upside down. When the doctor took out the syringe and wanted to give the child two shots of the vaccine, my heart was tugging. At that moment, I felt that everything had changed, and the actual feeling was completely different from what I had imagined.
Distress is really an unusually real feeling.
After being discharged from the hospital, the child arrived home, and the rest of his life entered the rhythm of the whole family's mobilization. The cry of a child is a trumpet, and when it sounds, no one can be idle. After the new population is added to the family, everything is changing, our schedule has changed, the main thing we are busy with every day is to revolve around the children, and the most talked about topics are also children, even if there are occasional small conflicts, it is also related to children. Children are like a key that opens the door to the unknown and enters a new world.
The process of accompanying the baby is very long every day. This is the truth, others will say when they meet, oops, your baby grows so fast, and it is so big if you haven't seen it for a few days, but for people who accompany the baby every day, there is a feeling of slowly boiling up.
I am really happy to see the baby, but this process is really not easy. Especially the mother, the child is now more than ten months old, and she has basically not slept a whole night. One night the child only ate milk once, and my daughter-in-law told me in the morning that I was so happy last night, and our baby grew up and knew that I felt sorry for my mother. Of course, it was just that once, and it was a little too early to be happy.
If you take it in months, there are still a lot of interesting things. Today's babies can climb fast, turn over, and stand up on the sofa and the edge of the bed. When he is unhappy, he will scream, and when he sees others eating, he will sit at the small table and shoot randomly. But just two months ago, my dad also said, our baby can't climb, other people's children can, or can climb to take some. Now he doesn't dare to say this at all, because he and my mother are tired enough to take care of the baby.
Pushing forward is the process of the baby's growth little by little. At first, we could only hug horizontally, and slowly we could hug vertically, from lying on our stomachs for a short time to a slightly longer time, and then to being able to sit up, climb, and get up, and now the skin is simply not the same. Recently, he is about to call his father, and he screams "Daddy and Daddy" every day. I guess this dad is still a mood particle, because he shakes his head when he calls, and he doesn't know who to look at, and when he calls, it's a string, and it sounds like "no, no, no, no......"Same.
My parents arrived in Xi'an in mid-August, and until then, it was my mother-in-law and father-in-law who were helping. It was from this incident that I truly felt that marriage was a matter of two families. This point is not about the combination of two families, but:InteractionIt will be a lot more. From the initial marriage discussion when two people are combined, to the various contacts after having children, the birth of a new life is more like a bond. Because for the baby, the people of the two families are his direct relatives.
He seems to know people now, we laugh when we see them, cry when we see them, and have the feeling that he is a tiger at home and a sheep outside. But he shouldn't have any memory of himself, he has no heart or lungs, he laughs when he cries, and he may cry immediately after laughing.
It was in his crying and laughing day after day that I began to re-examine everything around me.
Second, I really saw my own character
In the past, when I watched the role of my husband or husband, I would think that it was not much different from my boyfriend, it was nothing more than getting a certificate and having a wedding. This kind of thinking, to put it bluntly, still thinks that marriage is a matter of two people, and it cannot be said that it is wrong, but it can only be said that it is not comprehensive. Everything is just beginning, and after the birth of the child, a new role and a new identity will come immediately.
What is the role?
In fact, it is a pre-emptive thing, which has been undertaken and played by countless people before we arrive, and has also deduced many specific paradigms for us, including what is good and what is bad. People often say what kind of person is a good man, what kind of person is a good husband, and what kind of person is a good father. These specific patterns of behavior are also conventional, and if you think that is really good, you will unconsciously follow them.
For me, the baby is still young, and I don't know what a good father looks like. But the biggest difference is,I reminded myself to be more diligent than before, to be more active, to complain less, and to do more
Writing it like this, you may think it's simple and nothing, but when you do it, it's actually a process of breaking down and then rebuilding it as a whole. Every time I encounter something, especially the same thing as before, I start to have a new consciousness of what I should do and how to be more decent. But before that, I wanted to do what I wanted to do.
There are many people in the family, and there are many things, what I want to do is to make an appearance. It felt like I had an alarm clock built into my head that would go off at any time. When you accompany the baby at night, you must be able to afford it when you should get up;The child is urinating on the floor, and I have to quickly get a mop and a ragWhen the child's clothes and pants were wet, I also went to wash ...... as soon as possibleOf course, I didn't do enough, my family did more, but in the process, I could feel the change in myself.
It was from this incident that I really discovered that the process of growing up, to put it bluntly, is the process of playing more roles. For us, we have only heard of those characters but have not really experienced them, but after we really get in touch with them, we can realize the layers of weight contained in them.
In northern Shaanxi dialect, this is called a living person. Thinking about it again, I seem to understand the true meaning of unbearable lightness of life. Because of various burdens, people can really feel the texture of life, and because of the connection with other people, they can get the support of various feelings。If we take all these things, the whole person will become light, and we can indeed get more freedom and independence, but we can't bear that lightness.
My daughter-in-law said that I had changed, and she thought that I didn't like children very much, but I didn't expect it to be like this now. Don't talk about her, I didn't expect it either. In the past, when I heard other people's families crying, my brain felt like it was going to explode, but now I hear my own baby crying, which means that I can accept it. One day, when I was eating cold skin, my child suddenly urinated next to me, and after I cleaned up, I continued to eat the rest of the cold skin. Whether his urine spilled in or not, I don't know, I don't want to care, it doesn't matter.
Life has become dull. The whole person seems to have suddenly become less pretentious and rougher, probably just like that.
It is also because of the child that I understand the role of a father, and the more important value is on the side of giving. If it's just a husband, I'll figure it out, but after having a baby, the baby is so small, what can we get?Hug it and get a piece of warmth on your chest. Then he giggled there, and I laughed helplessly.
One of my daily joys now is watching my child get up in the morning, changing his clothes, and wiping his face and hands;Play with him during the day;Tease him again at night before going to bed. Day after day, he became a neck, much bigger than he had been at the beginning, solid, and fun. In the process of companionship, the child is growing up, in fact, I am also growing up.
I learned a lot about life and life.
Life has become busier, but people have become more grounded.
3. The orientation of marriage
At the beginning of the design of marriage, it actually pointed to fertility. Mr. Fei Xiaotong said this in his book, but I didn't understand it at the time, and I thought that many couples were not married, and there was something wrong with this view. Now it's almost understandable that it's one thing to point, it's another thing to do what people do. Especially in modern society, people have more choices, but even if there are many changes, from a social point of view, the basic purpose of marriage remains the same.
One day I was talking to my daughter-in-law, and she said that after the birth of the child, we seemed to be getting better. This kind of goodness does not mean that we have become better people, but that we have learned to control our emotions, learned to divide labor and cooperate, and learned to focus on big things instead of our own small emotions.
The most important thing I've learned this year is to think twice. When I have something, thoughts and emotions, I can go through them in my head first, and occasionally when the words come to my mouth, I can hold back first, ponder for a while, and then say it. This is also a kind of ability, which I didn't have before, or couldn't do it, but now I can do it slowly.
In all sense, this should be a request for myself. My current habit is to ask inward, to restrain myself, to make demands on myself, because I think everyone around me is very good.
If I were to look at marriage again, marriage would be like a ticket that carried us to see the scenery we had never seen before, and then along the way, there were scenery and bumps, complete persistence and broken reconstruction. For me, it's more about breaking and rebuilding, and after external feedback again and again, I further saw my true self, my laziness and diligence, desire and calmness, impetuousness and stability, and the reason why I put the words that didn't seem so good in front of me was because I couldn't manage myself well before.
But I'm a person who loves to think, including every time I write an essay, I'm actually sorting myself out, thinking about how to do it better. If I think of marriage as a collaboration, my biggest lesson right now is:Let go of part of your ego, go into battle easily, and do what you need to do well, and the results will be much better.
If there is no desire, it is rigid, and this is the truth. In addition to giving, on the other hand, it is to strive to enrich yourself. Running a marriage does not mean putting myself down, I will spend more time on work and accumulation, enrich myself, broaden my horizons, and think more when I encounter problems, all of which are feeding back to me.
Let's talk about parents. When I was younger, I felt a little annoyed with my parents and didn't like to be managed by them. I'm not afraid of everyone's jokes, but after I passed 30, I liked to stay with my parents and do housework with them, even if I chatted, I thought it was good. There is also a meaning that I dare not say, that is, I am afraid that my parents will get sick, and I am even more afraid of parting. So as I wrote at the beginning of the article, when my mom had an upset stomach, really, I was nervous and sweating. I want them to be healthy, that's all.
After the doctor told me to drink more water, on the way home yesterday, I kept talking about this and asked my mother to drink at least six glasses a day. When I got up this morning, I asked her how many drinks I had in the morning, and I asked her to have another drink in the evening. I guess my mom was tired of hearing it, but I'll keep talking about it after that. It's the kind of heart that begins to feel sorry for parents and tells them to care about themselves. My daughter-in-law said something like this a few days ago, she said, only with a mother can you have a home.
I was lying down, listening, and thinking about it for a long time. Alas, my mother is too hard-working, she usually doesn't say anything, she says it's good to ask anything, and she will only say it when her body can't support it. I told her repeatedly that if she was uncomfortable, she should say it, she should keep it in her mouth, she should not hold it in her heart, she should complain more, at least let us know that she should not hold it up.
My mom was like that, I really couldn't do it. She has a feeling of inexplicable times, a sense of stubbornness that came out of our mountain village, as if she can do anything, and she can swallow any bitterness. I didn't understand before, and now I don't want her to be like that.
It was also from her that I saw the shaping of people by the environment and the times, and the limitations and insignificance of being trapped. Every day in the future, I will care more about her and all the family members around me. This is what I really thought about this year, or what I started to care about again.
Fourth, work has found a new feeling
In the past two years, my working principle has been to keep things as simple as possible. This is also one of the great benefits of freelancing, you can arrange freely and set your own tone.
After doing this for so many years, my biggest feeling is:It's harder to do less than more, and it's harder to think less than more。Because the other side of freedom is that there is no specific track and guarantee, and everything needs to be designed by itself. What is my own design?Let's talk about the method first, that is, set an ultimate goal, and then start with the end in mind, and then design other single points, things that have nothing to do with the ultimate goal, and try to discard them.
Sima Qian said that when studying heaven and man, the changes of the past and the present have become the words of a family. What I want to do is to be able to have my own insight after continuous accumulation and learning, so when I design things, I focus on accumulation;When reading books, I focus on informative booksWhen you are a reading community, you put these books in it and block out things that are not very informative.
Of course, it will be a little more difficult to do, but the advantage is that you are accumulating every day and moving towards your ultimate goal. In addition, in the past two years, I have also developed a habit of searching accurately when surfing the Internet, and try not to swipe randomly. I'm used to it now, and one of the advantages of this is that it saves time, and the other is that it is not easy to be influenced by others.
Let's talk about the specifics. I'm not a young man in my twenties, but I'm getting up early. The idea is also simple, wake up a little earlier, you can have more time to do things, and I have already done a lot of things before others get up. In the first half of this year, because my mother-in-law helped to take care of the baby at night, I would get up early to prepare breakfast. After my parents came in the second half of the year, I got up early to see my daughter-in-law first, and then went straight to work at a little after seven o'clock.
Time is squeezed out, and when I go to bed at night, I will read e-books and ponder a few questions. In the morning, I read the books that need to be read, and if there is a topic of interest in the middle, I will directly integrate the ideas, and then write an article and output it. The articles come out like this, reading books and doing things with questions, and there are topics everywhere. Throughout the day, there are often questions from the students, and I use my free time to answer them and interact with them.
To save time, I also developed a habit of eating two meals a day. One meal in the morning, one meal in the afternoon, no meal at noon, and no lunch break. I couldn't stand it for the first two years, but now I'm completely used to it, and I can't even eat at noon. The good thing is that time is connected into a whole block, but like this kind of work, I can't sit for a long time, I will move regularly, and I will exercise for more than an hour in the afternoon of these two months.
Others think it's mental work, but it's actually mental + physical work, and it's all high-intensity all day, if it weren't for the fact that I really like it, it's hard to stick to it.
But I just like to read and like this kind of life. When I was in school, my biggest dream was to be able to read every day. At that time, I wondered how I could make such a dream come true. When I asked my classmates, they said that you were going to apply for a librarian job, but when I thought about it, it didn't seem realistic. Maybe it's because I have such a seed in my heart, but I realized it in a daze.
It's up to you how you define it, and in my opinion, every day is fulfilling and happy because I'm doing what I love and I'm accumulating in the direction I expected. When I think of this, I am grateful, and all I can do is cherish every day.
After accumulating for a year, I feel that I have made significant progress compared to the previous two years, there are many more topics to control, and I have a little more holistic thinking when looking at problems. So next year, I plan to continue to accumulate, continue to precipitate, and examine my progress on a year-by-year basis. Let's look at the hard work first, and then talk about the harvest.
Another idea is to keep working out. I've been working out at home for the past two months, and I happened to have practiced before, so I put together some gym equipment and practiced rhythmically. It feels very good, and if I have friends who work out with me next year, we can also practice together at that time. No matter what kind of work, the body is the capital of the revolution.
5. Examine yourself in the process of personal experience
These points are very commonplace, but for me, they are very important. Because all of this is what I have personally experienced, it seems ordinary and simple on the surface, but it actually shapes and changes me.
After years of writing, I have developed a habit of examining myself for a moment. To tell you the truth, in the process of talking to others, after the words are spoken, there will be a consciousness to give me feedback on how the sentence just came out. Say the same, do the same, and then summarize it after a stage, you can always find something, either change it or continue it.
The birth of my child this year has allowed me to see more things. There are ups and downs in the changes, and the back of the ups and downs is the most subtle and real point. Every time I pass a small stage, I will write a documentary, saying that it is written for children, but in fact, it is also written for myself, writing down the things, feelings and thoughts at that time, and moving steadily to the next stage.
Words have a magical charm, and the directions you write down repeatedly will really beckon you.
As mentioned above, I began to slowly let go of myself this year, more precisely, I should let go of some of my direct feelings and emotions, and then ponder how to do things, which will be more mature. What exactly does maturity mean?It is easy to understand when people are placed in the system, and the so-called maturity is to let go of the intuitive requirements of the individual, think more about them and the collective, restrain yourself, and think more about others.
Historically, human beings have made many great inventions because of the division of labor and cooperation, and if everyone exists as individuals and no one cares about anyone, it is difficult for anyone to say what the world is like now. I think this is also a more interesting place to read history, when you see a point, you will unconsciously bring yourself in, thinking about what you will do, how to deal with it better.
And the same goes for reading**. Everyone's experience is limited, but many classics** can take us to experience more life experiences. For example, I just read Dostoevsky's "Crime and Punishment" some time ago, following Tostoevsky's description, immersed in those extreme behaviors and feelings, I seem to have done a lot of questioning and repentance. When I read it, I also felt distressed, and I felt that the protagonist really shouldn't do that, but following his thoughts, I could understand some feelings. Looking at other people's things is also examining ourselves, and the good ** provides us with rich scenes.
I used to read **, basically just read a story, but this year I have a new ability, I can go into the details to analyze, and I can also jump out to analyze the various joint forces of the characters. I feel quite happy after having this feeling, and I set a small goal to reread many classics** next year.
Before I knew it, I had arranged a lot of things for next year, and I was still very excited to think about it, to get fit, to read carefully, and there were many interesting things waiting for me.
I have one more thought, I don't know if you have thought about it:What we really like will become our spiritual pillar。Over the years of writing, I have encountered all kinds of messages, consultations, and exchanges. I received a lot of negative messages, but I really have to thank the things I enjoyed, which made me feel empowered when I thought about it, and I knew what to do when I set a goal.
Probably, everyone is a very small ship, sailing on the boundless sea with no coordinates. We may have some general goals, but what we love in our hearts is our own course. I can only say thank you, thank you for your choice, thank you for liking it for so long, and I will continue to do it after that.
If you like it, you will be full of energy, and even if you encounter difficulties, you will think more about the good side
Standing at the end of 2023, I am quite satisfied with my year, plain and powerful, and there is a direction in the trivial. If you ask me what my goal is in the future, I think it is to be myself, stick to what I love, and then collide and polish in contact with the outside world, and finally make myself happier within the scope of my ability.
Three words to sum up: not bad.