Few parents can come out of their children's adolescence unharmed...
Entering the second year of junior high school, I was keenly aware that my daughter had changed.
The little padded jacket that used to stick to her body began to be mysterious, and she was angry when she entered her room, and when she was angry in her drawer, she couldn't wait to leave me for 108,000 miles even when she hit **.
I can tolerate all this, and children should have their own little secrets.
But I found that my daughter, who had excellent grades, was getting more and more off track, and began to be obsessed with makeup, and even some messy dressing.
Every week off from work, she would find all sorts of excuses to ask me for money, and then go out shopping with her little sister and buy a bunch of useless things.
To be honest, her change worries me. The child's sense of self-protection is not strong, and I am afraid that she will make friends that she shouldn't make and do things that she shouldn't do.
So, I started to knock on the side: "Who are you going with?" Is it a male or female classmate? ”
My daughter asked me to leave it alone with an impatient face, and went straight back to the room and locked the door.
To make matters worse, my daughter's energy on Xi was divided.
On several occasions, I thought she was doing her homework in her room, but when I pushed the door in, I realized that she was actually chatting with someone else. When she saw me enter the door, she scolded me for not knocking on the door and for not respecting her privacy.
The mobile phone does not leave the hand, and the voice is in the voice every moment after writing a homework, and there is no longer the previous concentration.
Several tests, her grades have dropped slightly. Thinking of going to school a year later, I was so anxious that I jumped to my feet, and if she continued like this, she would be finished sooner or later.
I couldn't take it anymore and began to say nothing:
Are you dressed appropriately?Not to be outdone, she fought back, and the more she was not allowed to use her phone, the more she used it; The more she is not allowed to wear makeup, the more she draws; I don't pay more and more attention to my Xi in school, and my grades drop again and again...What's even more ridiculous is that she blamed me for the drop in grades: "Who made you care so tightly, it's really suffocating!" ”You see you painted yourself like a ghost!
Can't you use a little time to study Xi, and take that broken phone in your hand from morning to night!
Seeing her cold war with me, I wanted to kick her out of the house and never care about it again.
I really can't figure it out, why can't she do a simple Xi? What exactly should I do in the face of my child's adolescence?
In order to find a solution, I began to make up for my parenting knowledge, and after systematic Xi, I finally knew that the problem was **.
Conflicts between parents and adolescent children are often due to unequal perspectives.
There is such a story:
Mom takes her 3-year-old daughter to take the subway. There were a lot of people in the subway station, but everyone moved forward in an orderly manner.It can be seen that in the face of the same thing, parents and children often experience completely different experiences because of different perspectives. Parents believe that nowadays, children eat well and dress warmly, and they only need to learn Xi every day, without any pressure at all, and can be completed with a little seriousness. Children are not serious about learning Xi at all - many of the wrong questions on the test papers are not carefully read, calculating carefully, and being careless; The state at home is even worse, homework is coping, and never takes the initiative to Xi.At this time, the daughter began to cry, pulling her mother's clothes and pulling them up: "Mom, I want to hug." ”
But the mother was still carrying the box in her other hand, and she couldn't hold the child at all, so she comforted: "Mom still has to push the box, can you hold it after getting in the car?" ”
The daughter didn't listen at all, and just sat on the ground and played tricks.
Mom's anger value has reached its peak, and if it weren't for how many people do, they would have done it a long time ago.
In desperation, the mother squatted down and prepared to pick up her daughter.
But the moment she squatted, the scene she saw made her anger disappear in an instant
In front of her eyes were countless thighs, people with messy steps, and pedestrians' bags running across their faces from time to time...
It turned out that the world her daughter saw was completely different from what she saw, and in the same scene, what she saw was orderly and smooth; What the daughter saw was messy and suffocating.
However, if we put ourselves in the shoes of children, we will also find that the difficulties they face are higher than mountains.
Adolescent children secrete a large number of hormones and adrenal hormones, and the disordered hormones make them always in a state of excitement and anxiety, prompting children to achieve personality transformation and self-formation.
At this time, children have to be themselves and ask for differences. They abandoned their parents' requirements, and cared more about the evaluation of the same sex and the opposite sex, and began to wear strange clothes and wear heavy makeup.
At the same time, they have to cut off the symbiotic relationship with their parents and achieve personality separation. For example, refusing to carry out parental orders and longing to be free from parental control.
So, adolescent children have a myriad of worries:
I want to be recognized by my peers and become the most beautiful boy in the crowd;This is the only way for children to grow, and it is a genetically determined behavior. It's a pity that many parents equate rejection with rebellion, and don't understand the logic behind their children's weird behaviors, so they interfere forcefully, contradictions pile up, and children naturally break out more fierce resistance.I want to stay away from my parents and decide everything by myself;
I want to have good grades, but there are always all kinds of ** that attract them, making them jump back and forth in "lying" and "rolling"...
However, adolescent children have not developed three views and cannot accurately judge right and wrong.
If parents can't guide them in a scientific way, children are likely to go astray and ruin their lives, on the contrary, if parents use the right methods, they can awaken their children's internal drive and have a positive life.
So, what should be done?
Step 1: Treat the child as a "stranger", have a distance, and give respect
Adolescent children hate being managed and commanded, so parents need to learn to withdraw from their school Xi and life.
Treat them as "strangers", keep their distance, give respect, as long as they do not violate the bottom line, parents should be principled and tolerant.
I tried to give my daughter back my Xi and life, and even tried to look at her with appreciation.
Once, my daughter went out to play with her little sister and came home with several pockets, and I knew she had gone on another shopping spree.
After entering the door, she hid for fear of being scolded by me.
If it had been before, I would have scolded a long time ago. But this time, I was at peace.
Seeing that I didn't move, my daughter came out in new clothes with the boldness. I took a look, not to mention it was really pretty. The daughter is originally long-legged and well-proportioned, so she looks quite youthful and fashionable when she dresses up like this.
I smiled and said to her, "I bought this dress today, come and take a look." ”
The daughter who was praised looked surprised and stood up a little shyly, and I nodded: "Youthful and fashionable, it makes you tall and slim." ”
The daughter's heart suddenly burst into joy.
You come with me! I pulled her into the room and said, "The clothes are very suitable for you, and my mother will teach you to make a beautiful makeup." ”
The daughter was surprised: "Mom, the sun is coming out of the west today!" ”
I rolled her eyes and thought: if you can't beat it, join in, instead of letting you wear heavy makeup every day, it is better to teach a light makeup that is more suitable for this age.
We tinkered for half an hour, and after the makeup was finished, my daughter exclaimed again and again: "Mom, you can do this!" She looked in the mirror countless times, then took out her phone for a meal, and even took me to take pictures with her.
I suddenly felt a sense of trance, and the long-lost intimacy made me a little stunned, it's as simple as that? From that day on, I stopped pointing fingers at her, and she made her own decisions about what to wear, what to use, and what to do.
Gradually, my relationship with my daughter changed from "enemy" to "best friend".
We went shopping together, checked in food together, and watched movies together.
My children can be their true selves in front of me - discuss with me which boy in the class is handsome and which girl is very annoying; complaining to me that math is too hard; Physics is like a book from the sky....
Whenever this happens, I resist the urge to educate her, listen carefully, give her plenty of emotional value, be a qualified tree hole, and let her vent the negative energy in her heart.
Surprisingly, after I gradually reduced my control over her and returned my Xi and life to her, her emotions became stable and her self-consciousness of learning Xi gradually increased.
Step 2: Stabilizing children's emotions is the premise of all education
A teacher once said to me:
The focus of parental education is not to desperately stare at their children learning Xi. Those who excel tend to have clear goals and a strong internal drive. Therefore, establishing correct values for children and awakening children's internal drive is the greatest value of parents.One day, my daughter came home in a bad mood and complained to me frantically: A friend called me old-fashioned, black and ugly every day, and belittled me in front of other friends.
If I had done it before, I would have asked her to concentrate on her Xi, and dressing and looking like these are not things that students should discuss. But now, I understand that my daughter needs to vent, and it's a good time to help her develop the right values.
Seeing her angry look, I first agreed with her: such people are really annoying. One of my mother's classmates I met before was even more excessive...
I took her to complain and help her vent her anger and grievances.
Then he asked her, "Do you think she is right?" ”
The daughter thought about it and said: "Actually, I think it's okay, I'm taller than her, my figure is better than her, although I'm not as white as her, but I'm still whiter than most of my classmates, everyone wears school uniforms, she also said I'm dirty, I think she's jealous of me, I'm afraid I'm too good with other people!" ”
I nodded in agreement, most conflicts between girls are jealousy, not necessarily with great bad intentions, but incorrect guidance will indeed affect children's interpersonal relationships.
I asked, "So what did you decide to do?" ”
She thought for a moment and shook her head in frustration.
So, I found her a ** introducing Yang Lan, and said to her after reading it: "Yang Lan is not a big beauty, but she is talented and powerful, and everyone respects her and likes her." That is to say, as long as we are strong in a certain aspect, others will know how low-level they are, and it will be difficult for dirty water to splash on us. ”
The daughter nodded thoughtfully: "Yes, if I can surpass her in Xi, even if she is arrogant, I don't care." ”
Since then, she has studied like a chicken Xi, and rarely goes shopping with her good sisters anymore. Although she was still depressed from time to time and complained about all kinds of complaints, with my support and sharing, she quickly learned with enthusiasm.
In just one semester, her grades have been climbing, much to the surprise of me and my teachers.
Step 3: When facing children's problems, only be a "counselor", not a "mentor".
Of course, the process of learning Xi is far from easy. The process of learning Xi is boring and difficult. As the difficulty of knowledge increases, children will always encounter problems of one kind or another.
Sometimes, when parents are excited, they Xi used to being "mentors", and a bunch of big truths are completely on paper, which makes the children annoyed.
In fact, it is better for parents to be a "counselor" - keep their distance and give a plan when they ask for help.
For a while, my daughter was stuck in Xi physics.
I didn't rush to give her a solution, but told her, "If you can't solve it, Mom is willing to help you." ”
At first, she always thought that she could solve it, and after holding on for a while, she still came to me: "I'd better sign up for a physics class to learn Xi." ”
I nodded in agreement, sure enough, she asked for it herself, and she didn't resist it at all when she learned Xi, there were only a few things that she didn't understand, but after the teacher's professional explanation, she quickly broke through.
I want to tell all parents that no matter how rebellious, hopeless, and angry adolescent children are, as long as we master scientific education concepts and correct communication methods, we will be able to solve problems and help children "change their lives".
Therefore, I also hope that parents who are facing problems such as adolescent children's rebellion, school weariness, addiction to mobile phones, star chasing, poor parent-child relationship, and not communicating with you will participate in the "Save Adolescent Rebellious and School-tired Children" parent growth class, which is now only 99, a cup of milk tea money, don't miss it, click on the card below to sign up!
The first lesson of the new year