If you want to make a person, praise him, and if you want to ruin a person, blame him.
It seems to be a very simple truth, but it is often a blind spot in people's cognition. We're trying to be critical, trying to maintain intimacy, but we're trying to fake praise and make some general friends.
What exactly is the communication code between intimate relationships?The secret of praise and blame, when you read this book, I believe there will be a definite answer.
Praise and Blame is a communication course at the University of Cambridge, Terri. Written by Apter. This is a psychologist who has been praised by the New York Times, The Guardian and the BBC, and the tittle of the book reads "Teach you to communicate more scientifically and improve your empathy skills".
The book says that when judgmental attitudes in marriage turn negative, the way to salvage the damage is to rebuild the other person's self-esteem. It's a difficult step that requires two people to let go of their defenses against blame and take responsibility for the harm they've caused;It also takes two people to relieve each other's shame and embarrassment and praise each other's efforts to reconcile.
The author, Terri Apter, is a psychologist, author, and senior tutor at Newnham College, Cambridge, who has gained international recognition for her work on family dynamics, identity, and relationships.
Many of her books have been selected as "The New York Times Best Book of the Year" and won many awards, and her books have been praised by well-known ** such as The Times, The New York Times, and The Guardian.
This book addresses a topic that is relevant to all of us: praise and blame, the two most basic attitudes we have when evaluating.
Why do we all like praise and hate blame?This book will give a scientific explanation from a psychological perspective. At the same time, the book also introduces us to the use of praise and blame in various communication scenarios to help us communicate with others more effectively.
01. The reason why I hate blame and love to listen to praise.
Praise and blame are essentially derived from the same scene. The reason why we care so much about other people's judgment stems from our desire to be noticed by others. Why is that?
This is because, in primitive societies, children who do not receive the attention of their parents are, to a large extent, destined to be abandoned. A person can hardly survive if he is detached from the social network of the time and without the care of his relatives and companions.
It can be said that the more parents can see and feel the gaze of their loved ones, the greater the chance that the baby will survive and the more secure it will be.
But whether it is eyes, movements, or words, there is a pair of most basic attitudes in the message of concern expressed, which is praise and blame. In other words, we naturally have a radar of praise and blame in our bodies.
It's extremely sensitive, and it's always running. This is a person's instinct, and it has nothing to do with one's acquired cultivation.
We can see that the vast majority of people are happy to accept praise for themselves, and it is easy to rationalize this praise to their own efforts or talents. Like praise and repel blame, this is everyone's instinct in the bones. So, how did this instinct come about?
Praise. All of this desire for praise can be traced back to a more essential, physiological reason – our brains need hormonal stimulation for evolution.
We know that the human brain is made up of about 100 billion neurons that are connected to each other, and that the brain grows because the neurons are constantly building new networks. Some hormones feed the brain to build new neural circuits.
Studies have found that children who are often praised tend to acquire more skills when they are younger. Children who lack praise in their daily lives tend to have dull neural networks in their brains, especially when it comes to Xi and motivation to act.
Reproach. Blame can be annoying, from a psychological point of view, because it inspires two very negative emotions, one is fear and the other is shame. Both of these emotions will bring us unbearable psychological pressure, so that we will definitely reject it.
The first is fear.
The author says that the most frightening thing is rejection. Why?Because, we humans are the most dependent animals in nature on social groups, especially in primitive societies, and if we want to survive, we must rely on our peers for information, sharing food, and protecting each other.
Once you are ostracized by your own group, to a large extent, it is tantamount to a direct sentence of death. Even now, this fear of being abandoned by social groups is deeply affecting each of us.
Scientists have found that even the most common forms of social distancing can take a toll on our mental and physical health today. When a person feels lonely, they are more susceptible to the virus and the risk of mental illness increases. The negative effects of rejection are even written into our genes.
When you hear someone declare, "It's all your fault!"."You're useless!Or, "You've let me down!".The siren in our heads, which is familiar to most of us, is an instinctive response that we use to protect ourselves. This fear can make many people subconsciously avoid blame.
Secondly, shame.
Some people will accept it too quickly, let these reproaches sink deep into their hearts and digest them slowly. The emotion that arises in this way is a strong sense of shame.
Gilligan said that whether it is verbal aggression or physical abuse, it will tell the other person in the clearest way that no one loves you and no one wants to accept you. When our shortcomings or mistakes are spoken out to our faces, when we feel inferior because we are blamed, and when we are despised for not being respected by others, we also feel that kind of self-blame and shame.
If this emotion is repeated, there is a considerable chance that it will lead to a weakened immune system and a greater likelihood of mental illness. Therefore, it is natural for us to hate and fear the reproach of others.
02. How to use praise and blame.
In a variety of situations, how can we make our praise more appropriate, blame more acceptable, and produce better communication?Let's talk about two of these communication scenarios.
1. Parent-child communication between families.
Each family has its own set of judging system, which determines how parents will praise their children and give their opinions to them. How do you decide whether a family judging system is healthy?
A healthy family should be judged by being accommodating, not strict. A strict judging system will force children to accept praise and blame, and they can only accept the labels that their parents put on them.
Trying to express your disagreement will result in worse repression. Under the accommodating judging system, children have the opportunity to express their own opinions and challenge the "absolute authority" of parents. The final judgment result was agreed upon by both parties after communication.
Second, when we evaluate a person, we are usually Xi to bring some general personal feelings, such as whether you have done a good job, whether I appreciate it, etc. But the author says that parent-child communication, especially when expressing blame, should be specific, not general.
Finally, a healthy family judgment system should be responsive, not invasive. The child's emotions should be respected.
2. Communication between husband and wife.
The author says that the most important reason for a stable and healthy marriage is not the fading sexual attraction, but the fragility that needs to be praised. That is, the proportion of praise and blame in the conversation between husband and wife.
After 40 years of research, marriage Pope John Gottman observed the communication patterns of more than 3,000 couples, and found that the factor that determines the longevity of two people's marriage is not whether they quarrel, share common hobbies or can maintain sexual attraction, but the ratio of praise to blame in their relationship.
When praise:rebuke 5:1, the marriage is more likely to be healthy and long-lasting. In other words, when we blame our partner once, it takes 5 compliments to repair the damage. What's even more heart-wrenching is that we will always magnify our praise and narrow our blame, feeling that we have praised it many times, or that we don't blame it at all.
Through the analysis of this huge amount of data, Gottman has largely helped us reveal that the key factor that determines the sustainability of a marriage is not the fact that couples have the same hobbies or remain attractive to each other, but the proportion of praise and blame in communication.
For couples, or for anyone, blame has a greater impact than praise, triggers strong emotions and deepens into memory, so a greater proportion is needed for praise to withstand the harm caused by blame.
Final words. The book is well-written and rich in cases. Terri Apt offers us an opportunity to reflect on ourselves, and she offers advice on how to judge others more responsibly.
At first glance, this book seems to be a social communication problem, but in fact, it also involves profound issues such as the original family, adolescent rebellion, school bullying, cyber violence, workplace trampling, and gender discrimination, which is worthy of everyone's deep thought and efforts.