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As Zhukov strode out of Stalin's office, he said angrily: "Mustache devil!".”
Beria, who was in the reception room, heard it and immediately went into Stalin's office to report to him.
Stalin asked Zhukov to call him back: "Comrade Zhukov, when you went out of my office, you said the phrase 'mustache devil', who are you talking about?”
Hitler!How can I say for sure?Comrade Stalin!”
Comrade Beria, who are you talking about?”
KGB: "Do you love your wife?".”
Yes. KGB: "Do you love your country?".”
Yes. KGB: "Which one is your favorite?"”
Country. KGB: "Alright, we're going to bring your wife here, and you take this gun to the next room and kill her." ”
When the man arrived in the next room, six gunshots were heard, followed by a two-minute struggle. Then the man walked out of the room with a loose tie and placed the pistol on the table.
The KGB looked: "What's wrong?".”
He said: "The gun you gave me was loaded with empty cartridges, and I had to strangle her." ”
One day, Suslov, who was in the office, suddenly burst out laughing.
Andropov: "Comrade Mikhail Andreevich, do you remember anything funny?”
Suslov: "I suddenly remembered a joke I heard yesterday about Brezhnev......It's so funny. ”
Andropov: "Oh?Can you tell me about it?”
Suslov: "Are you crazy?".I just put that guy who told the joke in a mental hospital!”
Note: Suslov was an ideological authority and the second-in-command in the party during the Brezhnev period, known as the "gray cardinal", responsible for the ideological work of the cultural circles. The Soviet Union often sent dissidents to psychiatric hospitals"**
Once, the film director Kozintsev screened a film directed by himself for Stalin, and he was curious to know Stalin's evaluation of the film. At this time, Stalin's assistant Bosklibyshev walked in, handed Stalin a note, and turned on the electric light.
Stalin muttered vaguely: "Not good. ”
Kozintsev immediately fainted. Seeing this, Stalin said: "When the poor creature wakes up, you tell him that when I say 'bad' I mean that the note is bad, not that his film is bad." The whole West said 'bad' to Comrade Stalin, and Stalin did not faint because of this. ”
The United States** visited Moscow and visited a worker's home. This family has all kinds of modern electrical appliances, as well as private cars, and life is very rich.
Towards the end of the visit, the American ** asked the host: "Can you tell me what is the one luxury item you most want to buy?"”
Host: "A good pair of leather shoes. ”
Secretary: The production of leather shoes in our Soviet Union is twice that of the United States!
Mass: Weigh four times as much as theirs!
A certain cadre went to inspect the tree planting work. I saw two young men, one digging a tree pit, and as soon as the pit was dug up, the other was immediately filled with soil, and no saplings were planted at all.
The cadres were strange and asked what they were doing.
A young man said: "Peter, I, and Ivan are tree planters, I am in charge of digging tree pits, Peter is in charge of planting saplings, and Ivan is in charge of filling in the soil. Peter is sick today and can't come, but we still have to work!No, Ivan and I came to ......”
In the autumn of 1936, rumors arose in the West that Stalin was seriously ill and died suddenly. Charles Nitt, a correspondent of the United Press in Moscow, wanted to obtain the most authoritative information, so he went to the door of the Kremlin and asked the secretary to forward his letter to Stalin, begging Stalin to confirm or deny the above rumors.
Stalin's reply is as follows:
Dear Sir:
As far as I can see, I have long since left the world of sin and moved to Elysium. Since you don't want my name to be erased from the list of civilized people, please trust these reports and be sure not to disturb my eternal sleep in Elysium.
Best regards. Jo. Stalin.
October 26, 1936.
Marshal of the USSR Ivan Isakov, who served as Deputy People's Commissar of the USSR Navy since 1938. One day in 1946, Stalin called him **, saying that he was ready to appoint him chief of staff of the Navy.
Isakov replied: "Comrade Stalin, I have to report to you. I had a serious defect, one leg was badly wounded in the war and was amputated. ”
Is this the only flaw you think must be reported?”
Right. "Our former chief of staff didn't even have his brains, and he still kept working. You're just missing a leg, it's not a big deal. ”
According to foreign news reports, Windows is a soft nuclear bomb carefully concocted by the KGB in an attempt to destroy the US electronics industry and drag down the entire US economy. Surprisingly, due to the bureaucracy of the ** department, Windows was mistakenly installed into most computers in the Soviet Union, which eventually led to the collapse of the Soviet Union.
Alishan, a KGB programmer who used to lurk at Microsoft, said: "I warned the Soviet Union that Windows must not be used, because I have placed logic bombs in the core layer of Windows, and whenever the system processes data related to the national economy, calculation errors will occur, resulting in wrong decisions by the decision-making organs and the deterioration of the national economy." Unfortunately, the Americans used macOS to calculate national economic data, which turned out to be self-defeating and harmful to the Soviet Union. ”
After the above news was released, Microsoft quickly placed a patch on its ** to fix this bug. Americans believe that Windows is indispensable, and Microsoft's ** rose by 25 on the same day.
Brezhnev asked the Pope: "Why do people believe in the paradise of Roman Catholicism and not in the paradise of communism?".”
This is because our paradise is never for others to see. ”
Q: What did Germany inherit from Marx?
A: For East Germany it was the Communist Manifesto, for West Germany it was capitalism.
Lenin said: Communism is the Soviets plus the electrification of the country.
Khrushchev said: Communism is the Soviets plus the cornization of the whole country.
In Lenin's time, it was like being in a tunnel, there was darkness all around, but there was light ahead.
In Stalin's time, it was like being in a car, with one person leading the way, half of the people sitting in the car, and the other half building the road.
In the days of Khrubiv, it was like in a visiting group, where one person performed, and the others laughed.
In the Brezhnev era, like watching a movie, everyone waited for the end.
Brezhnev asked Kosygin: "What is the name of the one-eyed ** marshal who defeated Napoleon?”
Kutuzov. ”
And what about the one-eyed British admiral?”
Nelson. "What is the name of that one-eyed Jew?”
Dayan. "Why does our marshal Grechko, who still has two eyes?”
Nixon visited the Soviet Union, and Brezhnev showed him a ** that could lead to hell for a call of just 27 kopecks. After returning to the United States, Nixon spoke of it with envy. He was told that this kind of ** America has existed for a long time. Nixon was overjoyed, and immediately had a phone call with Hell**, and the phone bill was as high as 12,000 dollars!
Nixon was disappointed: "How can this be, the USSR is only 27 kopecks." ”
Someone explained to him: "In the Soviet Union, it was a local dialect, and it was a long distance from us. ”
The Americans, the British, the Soviets performed together to give the cat mustard.
The Americans caught the cat and shoved it directly into the cat's mouth.
This is violence!"The Soviets ** said.
The British spread mustard on sausages and let the cats eat them.
This is deception!"The Soviets ** said.
The Soviets put mustard on the cat's tail, and the cat licked its tail with its mouth while barking.
The USSR triumphantly said: "Mind you, it's voluntary, and it's sung!."”
Nixon, who visited the Soviet Union, asked Brezhnev: "Why didn't the Soviet workers strike?."”
Instead of answering Nixon directly, Brezhnev took him to the workshop and announced to the workers:
Starting tomorrow, you will be cutting your wages!(Applause).
Working hours will be increased!(Applause).
One out of every ten people has to be hanged!(Applause).Someone asked, is it to prepare the rope yourself, or is it provided by the union?）
Extended reading:
Strange things, strange things, tragic things, absurd things in the former Soviet Union (**28).
Strange things, strange things, tragic things, absurd things in the former Soviet Union (**27).
Strange things, strange things, tragic things, absurd things in the former Soviet Union (**26).
Strange things, strange things, tragic things, absurd things in the former Soviet Union (**25).
Strange things, strange things, tragic things, absurd things in the former Soviet Union (**24).