You may have heard the term "gentle parenting". It contains a lot of ideas and leaves a lot of room for disagreement. Since the name implies a certain level of judgment (who would want to be called an ungentle parent?). It can also elicit a strong reaction.
For critics, gentle parenting is about allowing children to dictate to adults. Grandparents or other older relatives may see the parents reacting calmly to their child's misbehavior and say, "In my day, children wouldn't get away with it like that." From this point of view, the gentle parents appear weak and incompetent.
However, critics of harsher parenting strategies argue that while punitive and shame-based parenting methods may be effective in getting children to behave well in the short term, they fail to teach children reasons to behave in a kind and respectful manner. In addition, harsh parenting strategies (spanking being a classic example) can have a negative impact on the parent-child relationship and may even be considered abusive. As adults, we evoke such memories in ** – they prompt many parents to approach discipline differently.
We asked several experts what they understand by the term "gentle parenting" and why many parents today have abandoned the discipline strategies they used growing up in favor of a new set of tools.
What is gentle nurturing, and when does it come from where?
While the term "gentle parenting" has been in our lexicon for a relatively short time, the concept behind it is not new, especially from a more global perspective, where Western culture is not the accepted standard.
The term "gentle parenting" was coined by author Sarah Oakwell Smith in her 2015 book Gentle Parenting Books: How to Raise a Calmer, Happier Child from Birth to Seven Years Old, although she doesn't think she invented this parenting mindset described in the book.
Nanika Kuhl, a clinical psychologist in Brooklyn, New York, told The Huffington Post that the kind of "respectful parent-child dynamic" described by gentle parenting can be found in Indigenous cultures "before barbaric colonization attempted to erase it."
In an episode of the podcast "Your Story Medicine," Leslie Priscilla of the Latina Parenting Association said, "When I exposed myself to gentle parenting by reading all these books written by white people, I thought, 'This sounds really great, but I don't see my experience reflected here.'" "I learned that the practice of gentle parenting was actually stolen from ...... usIt's actually another thing that gets appropriated, and that happens a lot, right? This gentle parenting style doesn't actually belong only to white people. ”
While each of the experts interviewed by The Huffington Post has their own individualized take on the definition of gentle parenting, they all emphasize how this style of parenting treats children as mature people who deserve respect.
In an interview with the Huffington Post, parent coach Jenna Hermans said parents want to take a gentle approach and "try to understand the world from the child's point of view, treating the world as an individual with his or her own point of view, rather than treating the child as an extension of the parent." Hermans is the author of From Chaos to Calm: 5 Ways Busy Parents Can Get Out of Stress.
Like Kuhl, Hermans emphasized the respect that gentle parents have for their children. This does not mean that children are always right or can do what they want. But it does mean that children have their own experiences and feelings, and parents can open up and listen.
Gentle parenting involves a different style of discipline.
In gentle upbringing, the focus is on demonstrating good behavior rather than forcing the child to behave in a certain way through punishment and threats.
"Rather than inflicting physical or emotional pain, rejection, shame, or punitive consequences from a supreme position, 'gentle' discipline is centered on instruction, teaching, and demonstration, with age-appropriate limits and boundaries," Kuhl explains. ”
Spanking (e.g. spanking), isolation ("Go back to your room and stay there!"). and humiliation ("What's wrong with you?"). ") is not on the table. Instead, parents focus on understanding why their children are doing what they are doing right now and teaching them how to do something different.
Chazz Lewis is an educator who publishes parenting and teaching content. He refers to his framework as "conscious discipline," which he considers to fall under the category of gentle parenting. He calls it "an approach based on connection and cooperation, rather than a strategy based on fear and control." ”
Part of this process, Lewis explains, involves reinterpreting what a child's bad behavior means. Instead of assuming that your child is deliberately trying to drive you crazy (because he does feel that way!). You see their behavior because they lack other skills. For example, maybe they don't know how to wait for their turn.
Kuhl gives the following example: You are talking to someone and your child comes running over and interrupts you. Instead of telling them that they are rude, they should walk away and be quiet (the consequence of isolation and shame), you can say something like, "You're really excited to tell me something, I'm talking to someone right now." It's hard to wait! ”
With this response, Kuhl explains, "you'll be able to gain insight into the needs behind their behavior, which helps your child feel understood." ”
An added benefit is that "it has a calming effect on their brain and nervous system," she added, noting that parental calmness can help children regulate their emotions.
Ideally," Lewis said, "our goal is for them to be regulated, [they] feel safe, and feel connected." From here, it will be easier for them to learn from you and work with you to find solutions to the problem at hand.
When a child feels safe and connected, they are able to access more parts of the brain. We were able to learn and practice new skills and do better next time," Lewis continued.
What if the child is out of balance, such as a tantrum? Gentle ways to deal with the situation, Hermans said, include acknowledging their feelings, "rather than ignoring their feelings or punishing them for their big emotions." Hermans explained that parents might say something like, "I see you're sad because you can't get the toys you want right now." Sometimes it's hard not to get what we want. ”
You can give them a hug, tell them it's okay, you love them so much, and get on with your day," Hermans added. Note that she is not suggesting that you buy them toys or promise to buy them later. You can recognize their emotions while maintaining your boundaries.
A gentle education is not an education of indulgence.
One misconception mentioned by these experts is that gentle parenting is not the same as indulgent parenting, which lacks rules or structure. A tolerant parent might stop talking to another adult to answer their child instead of teaching their child to wait, or buy toys that their screaming child wants, rather than teaching them how to deal with big emotions. For those who don't like conflict, a tolerant approach to education is appealing. You give in to their demands and your child's behavior improves – but unfortunately, this doesn't teach them how to deal with life's disappointments.
Permissive parenting goes beyond acknowledging and centering the child's perspective – the results are unhealthy or unsustainable for either the parent or the child.
"Gentle parenting involves setting clear boundaries and expectations and enforcing them in a friendly, respectful way, rather than through punishment and fear," Hermans said. ”
There is room for parents to make mistakes.
Parents cannot expect them to always achieve the ideal of gentle parenting. At some point, they may yell in a horrible way, or do or say something they regret. Proponents of gentle parenting say that when these moments happen, going back to do the restoration work is part of the whole journey.
It's a misconception, Kuhl says, "If you go off track and yell, humiliate or punish when you're stressed or overwhelmed, you're going to ruin your child forever." "Your reaction to those moments is key. She advises you not to shame yourself and not to give up gentle parenting, but to "come back to them, take responsibility for letting them down, let them know that you are remorseful for what you did, have compassion for yourself, and sincerely try to do better next time." That way your child will know that the breakdown of the relationship can be repaired. ”
This can be as simple as "I'm sorry for yelling earlier today." I'm feeling frustrated and tired and shouldn't have raised my voice," Herman said.
Lewis also mentioned that as a parent, you can learn to recognize your triggers and press the pause button when you feel like you might have a breakdown. By announcing that you will take a minute to step away from the conflict and calm down, you will use this as a strategy that your child can use on their own.
But gentle education can also go to extremes.
Emily Edlynn, a psychologist and author of "Self-Supported Parenting: Reducing Parental Burnout and Raising Competent, Confident Children," worries that some parents pursuing the ideal of gentle parenting may be overdoing it.
While she wholeheartedly supports gentle parenting with an emphasis on parent-child relationships, Adeline told the Huffington Post, "The child's experience is truly centered, and we as parents need to use all of these strategies to respond to our children properly." "It's a lot of pressure. ”
It kind of defeats the whole purpose," she continued. "We don't have that much of a real presence in our relationship with our children because we're too concerned about how to make the relationship right. ”
While corporal punishment, humiliation, or screaming that causes fear in a child can all damage the parent-child relationship, Edlynn believes there's nothing wrong with occasional regular yelling.
If we ask our child to do something 12 times and end up yelling out of frustration, she will think that "it's okay to lose your temper". In fact, it helps children understand the impact of their actions on others. Edlin advises parents not to apologize for yelling after the fact, but to say, "I'm really upset because I feel like you're ignoring me." How do you feel when people ignore you? ”
Rather than "sticking to this unrealistic way of behaving," Edlin says, "let the kids know that we're going to be the same, and that's okay, that we can bounce back from it." ”
These occasional setbacks can help us release our emotions and avoid bigger, potentially destructive, and bigger outbursts in the future. Repressed emotions can also take a toll on families: "If a child grows up in a family where no one has ever yelled, but there's a lot of that kind of silent anger, anger that isn't expressed, and the kids have a strong intuition, they're going to perceive that," Edlin said. " This may even affect their ability to handle conflict in future relationships.
Whether or not you choose to label your parenting preferences as "gentle," we are doing our best to nurture emotionally healthy children who can build fulfilling and meaningful relationships in life.
It's easy to adopt fear-based discipline for our own children, especially if they grew up with us. But proponents say the rewards are worth it. Recognizing our children's feelings is an effective way to teach them empathy and also to our own personal growth, Lewis said.
"It's not just helpful for our parent-child relationship, it's helpful for all of your relationships," he explains. ”
Your child will also be able to use the skills you teach and demonstrate, such as empathy and emotional regulation, in relationships with friends and siblings.
They can carry that feeling forever," Lewis said. "One of the most valuable heirlooms you can pass on is healthy communication and ......Learn ways to deal with conflict in a healthy relationship. ”