Nowadays, in this era, there are more and more parents, what is calledParentsThis? It is that parents will always cover their children, and parents will appear when there is any problem, and they will help you clear the obstacles if they have any difficulties, which is called *** parents。And the emergence of *** parents and becoming more and more is almost a global trend. Two professors at Yale University have done a long study of why more and more families are using intensive education methods, which is to watch and accompany children every day to help them solve all kinds of problems. In fact, the reason comes from economic development, in a country, if the income level gap in this country is relatively large, here we introduce a concept calledInput-output ratio of educationFor example, the income of people who have gone to a good university is very high, and the income of people who have not gone to college is very low, the greater the gap between the two, the more anxious parents will be about education, and the more resources they will invest, it will be easy to enter this state of hovering.
The most typical countries are China and the United States, American parents are actually quite anxious, if the income gap is not large, for example, Japan, although Japan is also an East Asian country, also advocates basic education, but Japanese parents are allowed their children to make up for college, such as home to inherit a fish restaurant, sushi restaurant or to be a traffic director on the side of the road, etc., because their income gap is not large. There is not much difference between those who earn more and those who earn less, and there will be less pressure on education, such as in the Nordic countries. SoWhat are the problems caused by the increase in parents? It's that a child's sense of worth is not easy to buildThe reason is that the child thinks that what I do is useless, you have done everything for me, and you have all kinds of problems for me, so even after he grows up and reaches puberty, he gets into trouble, and the first reaction is to find my father and my mother, and they are all up to solve the problem.
If a child does not know how to face and solve social problems by himself, the self-confidence he shows is a kind of external strength, you look sunny and confident, but in fact you are strong outside, because he has not experienced things, he has not solved problems, he does not know what the logic of solving this problem is. The child's social skills, his ability to deal with others, to cooperate, to compromise, and to negotiate are cultivated. If you want to solve problems for him until you send him to college, and you say I'll let him go, he won't be able to highlight these skills. These skills are from kindergarten even before going to kindergarten, when he was younger, he will have a lot of cooperation difficulties with the children around him all day long, a lot of problems, like to fight for a toy, fight for a swing, etc., at this time he has to be able to solve, if he can't solve it, then he can only wait until he grows up, the society can give him a lesson, let him learn slowly, this is a big price.
Adler makes two important points in "Inferiority and Transcendence".The first point is about how to overcome low self-esteem, and the most effective way to overcome low self-esteem is to make your values and the values of society as a whole merge。Adler believed that people rely on low self-esteem as a driving force in this life. What if a person says that I have low self-esteem because I am poor, then I don't want to be inferior in the future? There is a kind of person who says that I want to be richer than all of you, and he wants to work hard to become a richer person than everyone else, then this person will grow up to become a workaholic, very tired, eating everywhere and rushing to pay for it, and even fighting with others in order to rush to pay. This is the direction in which he overcomes his inferiority complex has deviated.
There is also a kind of person who says that I have low self-esteem because you bully me, so good, I will grow up to be a bully of others, then his way of making up for his inferiority complex has become bullying others. You will find that there are many people in our society who just take pleasure in bullying others, and a little power in their hands can make others revolve around you, and he will feel very happy, which is a manifestation of psychological unhealth. There are even some people who will create **personality ** in order to overcome their inferiority complex, resulting in various mental illnesses.
After Adler talked about so many wrong methods, he said that there is only one way for us to gain a healthy mind and values, and that is to overcome low self-esteem is to integrate your values with the values of society. That is to sayWhat does your worth depend on? Depends on how much you can contribute to societyIt doesn't matter how much you can increase the welfare of others for the group, and then you will find that it doesn't matter if you make money or not, whether you work in a big city, work in a small city, whether you are a civil servant, or if you start a business. You can feel your own worth, and this value is related to society, which is the first very important point in "Inferiority and Transcendence".
The second important point is Adler's belief that the most important ingredient in a child's education from an early age is cooperationBecause we grew up in such a post-industrial era, in this era no one can solve problems alone, so everyone needs to cooperate with others, and only with strong cooperation ability, you can create value. The core of our talk today is how to let children build their own problem-solving skills and the ability to cooperate with others. The first thing to learn in order to build this set is for the child to learn to observe and empathize with the feelings of others.
Psychologists did a very interesting test, they took a lot of stick figures of the expressions of these people, and then went to the school to show all kinds of children, some of the expressions were very obvious, some of the expressions were not so obvious, and then a large number of children were tested, and after the test, you will find that there are many children who can easily identify, happy and unhappy, ecstatic, confident, these can be recognized. There are some children who can't recognize the expressions of these people, and the expression of this person you draw is sad and sad, but this child will say that he is fine, he is happy, he is laughing, and there are a lot of deviations in recognition. And then to find out how these children are doing, they first test other people's perception of expressions, and then they ask the teacher how the children are doing in school, and finally they come up with a very focused result, which is thoseA large number of children who are unable to accurately recognize the expressions of others will have a large number of interpersonal problems in school
You see, when we were children, we met a person who hit you, and he hurt you, and he didn't care, he didn't feel that he hurt you, he didn't feel that you hurt, and he was not sensitive to the fact that you hurt, which is the biggest problem, so why do we have so many children who don't feel the feelings of others? In fact, if you reflect on our education, you will understandA large number of our parents are not responsive to our children's feelingsFor example, if the child falls down, the parent comes over and says that it doesn't hurt, get up and be brave, you can really teach the child to be brave with this method, the child falls down and wants to cry, and when he sees that no one around him pays attention to him, he stands up and says brave, and then the father is very proud and says that you see him is very brave. But you have to know that it will come at a cost, and it will probably come at a cost that the child will ask everyone else to do the same. So he doesn't realize that others will hurt when they fall, and he won't even feel that others will hurt when he hits others. After puberty, he is so angry with you, your mother is so angry that she cries in the kitchen, and this son stands next to him and says what's wrong, what's the matter, he doesn't know that he makes his mother angry like this. The reason is that he can't experience the emotions of others, and a person's inability to experience the emotions of others is the result of being trained by interaction since childhood.
Of course, we can teach a child what bravery is, but the question is that he fell and injured himself, and if he fell, someone had to care about him, and someone had to say that he had fallen? Where does it hurt, tell dad if you want to go to the hospital or something, you need to make your child feel that someone cares about him, so he can learn to care about others, so toThe first way to learn to interact with others is to be able to recognize and appreciate the feelings of others。In addition to the fact that we should no longer ignore the child's emotions in life, these are all examples of ignoring emotions, for example, the child says that the mother is hungry, and the mother says how can you be hungry after eating, we think that you will not be hungry after eating, but it is very likely that the child has just not eaten, or the child has gone out for a crazy run and has too much physical exertion, and he just feels hungry, but in the mother's opinion, you should not be hungry and ignore his emotions.
In addition to helping children establish this emotional exploration in the process of interpersonal interaction, understand the description, and then reflect the emotions of others, there is also an opportunity to watch cartoons, you see when we watch cartoons now, many parents accompany their children to watch cartoons, just throw the child to the TV and it's over, it doesn't matter, you throw the child to the TV, the child will not learn anything from the TV, you know what the child learns things by, and the child learns things by feedback. The adult plays with the child, and then the child says a funny word, and the adult quacks, and the child will understand that the sentence is fun, or he says a word, and the adult frowns, and the child will know that this sentence is inappropriate.
He learns through interaction, why can't he learn when he throws it to TV? The TV does not interact with the child, the bald head on the TV beats the bear big, and then the child also learns to hit it, but there is no response, no one gives him a reaction in life, and the child does not know what this action means. So you'll find that if we throw a child to the TV for a long time, you'll find that the child looks dull, wooden, why? Because he doesn't know how to interact with other people's emotions.
Even if we let our child watch cartoons, we better watch them with him, what can we do when watching cartoons with him? Ask him more, for example, how does he feel when you see this gray wolf's head smashed out of a bag? What will be the reaction of the gray wolf? So if he says this, will the Pleasant Goat be happy in his heart? How will the Pleasant Goat feel? And so on, and that's called emotion. You have to help your child identify these emotions, let them guess, let them analyze, let them chat, and then they can learn that people have emotions and others have feelings. If a child has no one else in his sights, he is completely unresponsive to the harm he has caused to others. Of course, these are all trained, and they must be the result of a lot of interaction between parents and children.
Well, we'll share so much today, I'm new knowledge, thank you for reading and watching.