Rejection is an inevitable part of life. I often share with my patients that if they want to avoid rejection, then they have to avoid relationships altogether because it is an inescapable reality. Our response to rejection is influenced by a variety of factors, such as attachment style, type of rejection (from relationships, life events, etc.), the person being rejected, and how rejection affects us.
For those with an insecure attachment style, they tend to perceive themselves as unlovable, worthless, and inadequate, so the fear of rejection and the impact of rejection are more intense.
Why does rejection hurt? In a study that measured neural responses to social rejection, certain areas of the brain system showed significant activation. The results suggest that our experience of rejection, similar to physical pain, affects the brain's endogenous opioid system. Since our basic human needs include social acceptance and connection, when those needs are threatened, they do hurt.
In the book Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Lori Gottlieb explains that this sense of hurt is deeply rooted in our evolutionary history. We have always lived in cooperative societies, and for most of history, we have relied on these groups for survival. "There's a very primitive part to when someone rejects us, and that's that it goes against everything we think is necessary to survive," she noted. ”
We tend to feel intense sadness, shame, and disappointment when our relationships are threatened, and it's understandable. Although these feelings may trigger some pain, we need to do our best to manage them.
Here are eight ways to deal with rejection:
Practice acceptance: Instead of getting caught up thinking about why it happened, how it happened, or how it shouldn't happen, sit back and accept that it did. Be willing to endure this discomfort and understand the emotions it brings, what it triggers for you, and what you want to be in life.
Process your feelings and connect with values: Recognize the feelings that are being evoked and think about how they relate to your values. For example, if you are rejected by your partner, admit that because you place a high value on connection and intimacy, you may feel sad and disappointed. Reframe and transform your mindset to connect to your pride in higher-order values.
Don't just focus on what you've lost, expand your horizons and consider what you need and deserve: We tend to see things as personal and feel hurt after being rejected. Allow yourself to think about what needs are not being met and what you want and need in the future. Sometimes this requires flexibility to consider and consider Plan B, C, or D.
Be kind to yourself: When you acknowledge pain and grieve your loss, give yourself kind and compassionate support and encouragement. For example, you could say, "I'm struggling at the moment. Based on what is important to me, it is understandable that I feel this way, and I respect myself and my needs. ”
Don't let rejection define you: Rejection doesn't represent your strength or value. This is a human phenomenon because we have an excessive number of needs and expectations. Remember, you're not for everyone, and everyone isn't for you. Just as you are selective and judge others, others will do the same. Also, not everything will go your way because we have limited control over most things. It's inevitable that you can choose how to choose your behavior and whether or not you decide to move forward with confidence and a sense of self-worth.
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Curiosity about expectations and attachments: Pay attention to what they are. Recognizing whether your "shoulds," "shoulds," and "musts" will put you in a situation of rejection or rejection. For example, you may need to show more flexibility and inclusivity so that you can respond to situations and people not behaving as you would like.
No matter what happens, keep showing yourself: Staying socially connected has clear health benefits. People who avoid relationships and rejection often experience maladaptive behaviors, such as self-isolation, pleasing others, not setting boundaries, or expressing their needs. If you understand that rejection is a part of life, it can't be avoided. Be proactive when things happen. Continue to take great strides to build your confidence and resilience by taking risks and demonstrating to yourself that you can effectively deal with rejection or any other challenges that come your way.
Learn from your experiences: There's always something to learn from our experiences. You may better understand why you didn't get promoted, why your friends are disappointed in your behavior, or why your child is suddenly estranged from you. These courses help to understand yourself better, promote personal growth and improve the future.
Rejection is not something to be avoided, but to be noticed, understood, and learned from. Pain can open a path to being "more resilient and better connected to your values and the things that matter most to you." Seize the moment because it's the best opportunity to grow and learn and help you become the best version of yourself.