Author: Warm heart.
*: Satya Parenting (ID: Satiryyuer).
After 30 years of research, psychology professor Carol Dweck has discovered:
What determines the difference between people is not talent, not diligence, but thinking patterns.The same goes for children. Even if parents can give their children superior conditions, a worry-free environment, and a warm family, they can't compete with a "good thinking" child. As Kazuo Inamori said, no matter how high the score of enthusiasm and ability is, if the way of thinking is negative, life will not end well. Good thinking makes his life, and bad thinking destroys his life. Therefore, parents must not develop these kinds of thinking in their children. "Negative thinking".
Let the child become inferior and cowardly
There is such a case. There was a 16-year-old girl who had excellent grades and a cheerful personality. However, since she was admitted to a key high school, because she couldn't adapt to the environment, her personality became very introverted and inferior, and she had a serious "self-denial complex". She often cried and said, "I can't do it anymore, I can't remember anything in my head, what should I do?" She felt that others didn't like her, she was depressed all day long, and often complained that "these people are difficult to get along with, not as good as their former classmates". At that time, her mother just thought that she was too stressed, but when she paid attention to it later, the girl had developed moderate depression. Psychologist Adler said:The most effective way to mentally destroy a person is to allow them to self-deny. Yes, when children are constantly engaged in self-doubt and self-loathing, they are stuck in negative thinking. Therefore, I always like to say "I can't", "I don't dare", and I always like to run away when I encounter problems. If parents are always attacking and belittling their children at this time, it is easy for them to get closer to "problem children", who will suffer from low self-esteem and sensitivity, and at worst suffer from depression. The book "Self-Awakening, Give Children the Best Family of Origin" says:
"Parents' harsh and hurtful attitudes, prejudices and unreasonable expectations towards their children can be internalized in their children's self-esteem, forming an 'anti-self' inner voice that makes children become self-aggressive. ”At the end of the day, most of the negative children are caused by their parents. Children who are often "hated" by their parents will also "hate themselves". There is a boy in the neighborhood who is introverted and cringes when he sees acquaintances, and is often criticized because his grades are not very good. Mom often said: Can you learn from the good grades, otherwise your brain will become more and more stupid. Unexpectedly, these words made the boy feel more and more inferior, and even as soon as others said about him, he began to loathe himself. He always refuted his parents with words like "I'm the dumbest anyway." Later, at a party, a friend reminded the mother to "don't always hit the child, otherwise he will be very sensitive". So, the mother began to try to encourage her child. For example: very good, today is much better than yesterday. Slowly, parents began to "see their children positively" so that the originally poor boy slowly became excellent. From the age of 2, children will observe their parents' reactions through words and deeds, and like to see their parents praise themselves, even an approving glance and smile will make him feel more confident. Parents should not be stingy with their encouragement, and when it is time to encourage, they should never criticize. To raise a child, it is necessary to "cultivate self-confidence" and let him always have light in his eyes. "Love takes advantage of thinking".
Let the child become selfish
There is such a news. Yao, a master's degree student at the university, entered Nanjing to work after graduation, and heard that Hangzhou has a talent subsidy policy, and the master can receive a subsidy of 30,000 yuan. In order to be greedy for that subsidy, he took advantage of his position to take advantage of the loophole, transferred the social security payment quota to the Hangzhou branch, and then applied for a talent subsidy of 30,000 yuan online. He has also helped a lot of people to benefit in the same way. Later, it was discovered that he was convicted of fraud and sentenced. 
Zeng Guofan once wrote in the "Letter to the Family": "Do not take advantage of others in everything, and do not take people's wealth lightly. ”The biggest regret in life is that an excellent person is coerced by "interests" and finally destroys himself. Educate your child, don't develop a mind that he likes to take advantage. Because of such a child, he is short-sighted, and always likes to use "scheming" to satisfy his desires, and finally makes him selfish. A netizen said: When I was a child, my mother would fight with my neighbors because of a little more rice, and later when I was older, I also learned to take advantage of the neighbor's kettle and sell it for money. Later, when my neighbor came back from the hospital from illness, he weakly leaned on the threshold and asked me, "Do you see the kettle?" I looked at her frail body and said, "I don't see it." When I thought about it later, I felt that I was really selfish at that moment. A child who loves to take advantage may get a material satisfaction, but what he loses is his vision, thinking and pattern. The famous American psychologist M. Scott Pai said:Children can't help but imitate their parents, copy their parents' way of doing things, and see this as a standard and example in life. Children who love to take advantage of themselves come from the establishment of the pattern of parents. If parents are short-sighted and always greedy for small gains, they will use "stinginess" to ruin their children's "atmosphere". We should tell our children: there is no cheapness in the world that you can get for nothing without putting in the effort, and you think you will get cheap, but in fact you will gain by losing something else. It is recommended that all parents do not bring the thinking of "petty profits" to their childrenTo raise a child, please raise the child's pattern a little bigger, so that the child's future path will be broader.
Comparative thinking
Make your child more vulnerable
One reader had such troubles. My daughter has been very depressed in the past week, and she didn't eat when she came home, so she locked herself in her room and brushed up on the questions. She had communicated with her daughter several times, but she would not say anything. It wasn't until after the parent-teacher conference that her daughter hugged her and broke down and cried: Why can't I beat them so hard? They usually copy homework, but every time they do better than me, even the teacher praises them, why am I so bad? This reader said that this is not the first time that her daughter has had an emotional breakdown. The child usually has a very strong self-esteem, and because a male classmate in the same class surpassed her in the grades, she felt compared for a moment. The daughter said, "I don't think I dare to speak in front of him, for fear that he will look down on me." Later, she put more and more pressure on herself, causing her to suffer from insomnia all night and severe depression. As the saying goes: the more you compare, the worse you get. A child with deep comparative thinking will slowly lose himself. The American social psychologist Festinger once put forward the theory of social comparison: when people evaluate their own concepts and abilities, in the absence of objective evaluation standards, they will compare themselves with others to evaluate their own concepts and abilities. To put it simply: comparison is a process of finding oneself and affirming oneself, and it is also a way to regain one's dignity by "belittling" others. At this time, the child has three states of mind:
Competitive and goodwilled; demeaning others and finding oneself; Jealous and don't want to admit defeat.However, the "backlash" ability behind the comparison will really destroy the child. For example, if you see that you are better than yourself, you feel that you are particularly bad, and once you can't compare with others, your heart will be hit hard. The more a child loves to compare himself with others, the more fragile his heart becomes. Psychologically speaking: children who love to compare have an inferiority complex and a serious lack of values, so they need to prove their abilities to others, so as to achieve self-affirmation and satisfaction. Such children crave affirmation and value. It is recommended that all parents should affirm and encourage their children in a timely manner, and use less "other people's children" to hit their children. Only children who are seen will have self-confidence. "Self-centered" thinking
Let the child have no sense of responsibility
The girl Xiaoxue is excellent in learning from a small school, and her grades are among the best, but she is a little arrogant. There are group activities at school, and she always acts as a leader, but she is not willing to accept other people's opinions, so she often has conflicts with her classmates. When a classmate asked her about the topic, she always mocked:
"How easy it is! You won't, I'll teach you! ”Because she is the representative of the English class, when urging the homework, she always complains that the classmates who make up the homework waste her time. When selecting the "outstanding class cadres", the teacher also criticized her for her lack of responsibility. As a result, she was also very unpopular at school. If a child is always very "self-oriented", then he will be very arrogant, not only look down on others, but also not accept criticism from others. Someone once said that children who are overly spoiled by their parents are accustomed to being satisfied with everything at home, and always regard their opinions as important, rather than accepting others easily. is like Xiaoxue, because of her good grades, her family is very doting on her, and she basically has to satisfy her in everything, so she has a sense of superiority and always feels that others should revolve around her. Children who are unwilling to accept others will not be accepted by others in the end. Professor Qian Zhiliang said:Your word pronunciation is so hilarious! ”
"When parents are child-centered, the child naturally thinks that he is the only one in this family, his requirements must be met by his parents, and he learns to resist his parents' requests.Education is not just about satisfaction and indulgence, and sometimes "acquisition" in moderation can make children more responsible. Professor Li Meijin gave an example of "forced sharing". The daughter wanted to eat the oranges, so she didn't give them to her after peeling them, but asked her to share them with everyone in the house. The daughter reluctantly gave the oranges to her grandfather, grandmother, aunt, and father. At that time, everyone was praising her daughter's generosity, but when her daughter had the last orange in her hand, her daughter gave her the orange without thinking. Although this is a small thing, it can wake up all parents: you can't focus on your child in everything, and you must learn to let your child sacrifice so that he doesn't have no one in his eyes. As a parent, don't love too much, don't be too selfless. To raise children, it is necessary for children to know how to respect their parents and the people around them, rather than only looking at themselves. Someone once said: The road under the feet of a child begins with the original family. The most important influencers who determine a child's vision, pattern and thinking are parents. The thinking and pattern of parents is the way of the child's future. If your child always says that he "can't do it", parents should tell him: if you can't do it now, it doesn't mean forever, and you have to learn to measure yourself with time. Pull the child's mentality further, and he will go "farther". If your child lacks self-confidence, parents should tell him: don't look down on yourself because of one thing, you are actually very good. Give the child a sense of value, and he will definitely think more "deeply". If the child always says "I don't like it", the parents divide the responsibilities and obligations for him. Please open up the child's pattern and make his life more "advanced". Good parents should not limit themselves to raising their children, but learn to take them to a further path.Children who are regarded as "centered" by their parents will eventually lose their sense of responsibility and cohesion.
After a long time, he only cares about what he wants, and he is selfish and indifferent. ”
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