—This article is partly quoted from George K. Simon, "Wolves in Sheep's Clothing: How to Get Along with a Control Personality."
Relationship Rebuilding advises us to pay attention to suspicious, smoking guns that are red flags when we first engage with others.
If you're struggling to maintain a consumptive relationship with an avoidant attachment partnerYou have to be very careful that if your avoidant attachment partner has shown the following signs, it means that your avoidant partner is no longer simply an avoidant, but has transformed into a **-controlling personality.
The avoidant attachment personality is a passive uncooperative partner, so if your partner's negative behavior is limited to:
Negative does not reply
Failure to cooperate and non-fulfillment of agreements
These negative and uncooperative behaviors indicate that your partner is still an avoidant attachmentThe appearance of the following signals indicates that he has shifted more from avoidant attachment to **-controlling personality:
* – Controllers will claim that their actions are not really as harmful as others say they are, or that they are irresponsible.
The controller does this in order to make those who may be confronting them feel that their criticism is too harsh, and that the manipulated person feels that they have misunderstood themselves.
For example, after your avoidant partner coldly assaults you, claiming that it is your needs that makes him stressed, this is actually implying that your needs are not reasonable, and you will ignore your emotional needs in the future, so that the avoidant partner avoids emotional responsibilities and concentrates on satisfying himself.
**—The offensive personality will tend to lie in a subtle, covert way.
Lying can take the form of:
Deliberately ignore
Deliberate ignorance is a very subtle form of lying employed by the manipulator to distort the factsFor example, lying by stating a series of facts!
How can you lie by telling only the truth?
They only need to omit some important facts, and you will not be able to understand the whole truth.
2.Distorting the facts
Deliberately ambiguous, this is the manipulator's favorite tactic. They carefully conceive the storyline, leaving you with an impression that says it all,But they left out some crucial details that are precisely the key parts of the truth.
Denial is a means of the attacker in order to make the other side retreat and make concessionsOr even imply that what the other person is doing is wrong and make them feel ashamed.
This is when the attacker deliberately ignores other people's warnings, requests, and wishes, and starts to exhibit that "I don't want to hear" behavior, when he knows exactly what you want them to do. By using this tactic, the attacker actively resists and is unwilling to pay attention to and refrain from the actions you want them to change.
Rationalization is an excuse for the attacker to engage in actions that he knows to be inappropriate and harmful.
For example, if you find evidence that your avoidant partner is having an affair with another person of the opposite sex, and when you ask him, he says that they are just ordinary friends, colleagues, and that you are emotionally sensitive and unstable.
The attacker is simply trying to convince the partner that whatever they do is justified so that they can do whatever they want.
When we try to focus on the manipulator or try to focus the discussion on a single issue or behavior that we dislikeAttackers know how to skillfully change the subject, avoid the current issue, or suddenly bring up an unexpected new topic.
* - Attackers are good at giving vague answers to the simplest questions.
You have to have a sensitive ear, the blurring is sometimes not noticeable, you feel like you're getting an answer, in fact you don't.
* - Attackers often threaten their victims, leaving them anxious, hesitant, and in an inferior position. They threaten their victims in subtle, indirect, and implicit ways.
For example, your avoidant attachment personality partner always hints to you when you have a disagreement or are emotionally stressed that his parents are actually asking him to find a girlfriend who is a civil servant.
* - The attacker is well aware that their conscience is very different from that of people of other personalities, and that the signs of a sound conscience are guilt and shame. Manipulators are able to skillfully use tactics they know so that they appear to have more conscience than their victims.
For example, if you find out that your avoidant boyfriend has a big fight with him after flirting with other members of the opposite sex, and then two days later, he posted a ** of his fall injury in the circle of friends, with ** case to say that he was misunderstood and very sad, and he obviously loves his woman so much.
If you don't have the position to take the initiative to contact and dedicate care, then you have skipped several steps to effectively solve the problem, and this unwise behavior means that you accept that he is talking about the opposite sex, and he has not done anything wrong, even if he has made mistakes, he can not ask for your forgiveness, and you have actively fallen into the situation of being manipulated. ）
This strategy is to portray oneself as a victim of the actions of others in order to awaken and gain sympathy from others.
The same applies to the example of the previous article.
There are also examples, after your avoidant attachment partner officially announced your breakup, she posted in the circle of friends or other social ** that no one really loves you, but she swore before but left herself, and she really has no one to love, etc.
It's like having lost my memory, and I don't remember my previous bad deeds. Just to awaken your empathy and make you forget his bad deeds.
Slander
It's also a way for the controller to use guilt to manipulate their partner.
For example, your avoidant attachment partner says after you break up that you never really liked him and that you were just playing emotional games with him.
Like amnesia, he forgot about his ambiguous chatter about other people.
Seduction
Controllers, in particular, are able to recognize that recognition, comfort, being valued, and being needed are more important than anything else for people who are emotionally empty and dependent.
For example, your avoidant attachment partner can feel your dissatisfaction when he is no longer enthusiastic about you, and when you don't say it explicitly, the very limited things he says to you are that he just likes your gentleness, thoughtfulness, good personality, never loses his temper, thinks about him everywhere, and even irrelevant things will be related to these words. Even if you don't directly praise you for these qualities, you will feel his repeated hints.
Passing the buck blames others
* Attackers are adept at finding scapegoats in subtle, imperceptible ways.
For example, you found a ** posted by your avoidant attachment partner's circle of friends who acted too intimate with a strange woman, and when you asked him, he said that this woman was a colleague, and he took the initiative to pull him to post a photo with him during team building.
Completely ignoring that ** was sent by him, not forced by this woman to send it, and why did he not refuse, but allowed others to pull? ）
Pretend to be innocent
Controllers will pretend to be innocent and try to convince you that any harm they do is unintentional.
The most bizarre thing is the first avoidance man I met,He lied that he didn't have a girlfriend when he gave a public speech, and then had an affair with me, and when I confessed, he said that he had a girlfriend for a year and a half, and he was still posting it on his own **, implying that he didn't mean to hurt him!
Pretending to be ignorant or confused
* - The controller acts like he doesn't know what you're talking about, trying to make you question your own rationality by playing dumb.
When someone uses these strategies a lot, you have to not only be able to identify, but also accurately identify what kind of personality you're dealing with.
Because using these manipulative tools is also a sign of resistance to change, don't think that things will change over time, and you'd better let go of that illusion.
Because as long as they're using these strategies, it means they're not going to change them at all. Avoidant attachment personality how hard it is to fall in love