Ma Hao, a professor at China University of Political Science and Law, once pointed out:
The biggest obstacle to a family's upward development is not poverty, but conflicts and strife within the family. ”
The atmosphere in the family and the mutual relationship of the family members determine the fortune of the family.
If a family spends the day arguing over trivial matters and attacking each other, the family will become discordant and eventually decay.
On the contrary, if family members are considerate and tolerant of each other, the family will be harmonious and happy.
In order for the family to go uphill, we need to get rid of the following five internal frictions:
no.01Don't let your home become a dumping ground for bad moods
I once read a topic in Zhihu: What do you hate most about what your family does?
One of the high praise replied:
Lose your temper over trivial things, treat your home as an emotional dump, show friendship and warmth to outsiders, but be vicious to your family.
The painter Picasso was one such person.
He is sincere and enthusiastic in front of outsiders, whether it is a celebrity or an ordinary citizen, he can talk and laugh freely.
When a familiar repairman comes to work at home, he will also greet him warmly and generously give away his work.
However, once the door is closed, he becomes a moody "demon".
He is always aggressive, critical and harsh towards his lover, and even beats people;
The treatment of children is harsh, unbearable, and even kicked them out of the house.
Over time, his irritability and indifference have caused indelible damage to his loved ones.
The son became an alcoholic addict because of excessive stress, and the daughter suffered from mental illness and underwent 14 years**.
It wasn't until his later years that he began to wake up and cherish the warmth of his family.
But it was too late, no one wanted to approach him, and in the end, he had to end the rest of his life in loneliness
The writer Yishu once said:
"The biggest mistake people make is to be too polite to strangers and too harsh to people close to them. ”
We often treat our family members as a garbage dump for our emotions and abandon our bad feelings to them without any scruples, which is the biggest mistake we make every day.
Maybe your family won't blame you, but that doesn't mean they aren't hurt.
Those wounds in the depths of the soul are not easy**; Those feelings that are wasted at will cannot be remedied.
Home is a haven of love, stop throwing the worst emotions at your closest ones.
We need to let go of our bad temper in order to have good happiness.
no.02Don't criticize and blame for small things
In the best-selling book "Family on a Hot Pot", the protagonist Caroline always yells at her family for small things.
The daughter messed up the room, the son forgot the book at school, and the husband came home late, and she would be scolded by her.
Once, while she was preparing dinner at home, she called her family to come and help.
The husband and son were busy playing games, and only the daughter came over to set the dishes.
But not only did she not praise her daughter, but said angrily: "You just do such a small thing? ”
The daughter felt aggrieved and talked back to her, so she scolded her head and face:
What I learned in school, I learned to talk back at such a young age, I didn't know how to respect myself at all, and I got it when I grew up. ”
The husband administers justice for his daughter, but she is scolded by her fingers and nose: "It's all because you're used to her!" ”
It was a small thing, but they fought over it, arguing and attacking each other with bad language.
Eventually, the daughter ran away from home in anger, and her husband and son ignored her.
Although the family is a comfort zone for warmth, if it is filled with cold words, it can become a purgatory that creates pain.
As the writer De Sellé said:
"Tolerance and thoughtfulness are indispensable elements of the family, and can a family be considered a family without them? ”
Living under one roof, there will inevitably be bumps and bumps.
If you are always calculating and-for-tat, it will only cause cracks in the family relationship and eventually distance yourself from each other.
Relatives are not opponents, there is no need to compete for high and low; Home is not a battlefield, and there is no need to judge victory or defeat.
Don't be too concerned about small things, don't be too harsh on big things, and give in in disputes, so that the family can become a real harbor and shelter us from the wind and rain.
no.03Don't ignore your family's feelings
As the saying goes: "A home is not a few people, but a person, one is prosperous, and one is lost." ”
A long-term and strong relationship is inseparable from each other's support and support.
If the family is not in harmony and attacks each other, then it is difficult to ensure the prosperity and stability of the family.
In the TV series "Little Shede", Nan Li sent the children with backward academic performance to the gold medal cram school.
In order to supervise the child's progress, she specially instructed the teacher to praise less, criticize more, and discipline strictly.
But the husband thinks that the child is too stressed and criticizes too harshly.
Once the child wanted to go to the amusement park, so the husband took the child to skip the cram school class and go out to play all day.
Nan Li was very angry when she learned about it and quarreled with her husband in front of the children.
The husband demanded that she apologize to the child, believing that she should not extend the comparison between adults to the child.
But Nan Li sarcastically ridiculed her husband, just to make up for her lack of love in the original family, and accommodating her children in everything.
Because of this, the couple had conflicts, and the children were also caught in the middle, and their lives were particularly bad.
A family is like a horse-drawn carriage, which requires the whole family to plan the direction and pull the cart in the same direction in order to run fast and steadily.
Decisions should be made before they are made to avoid disagreements.
Only by supporting each other and working together can families develop steadily and life better.
no.04Don't impose your opinions on others
Every time I read Zhu Ziqing's "Father's Back", I am always moved by the affectionate fatherly love.
However, in real life, his father was strong and domineering, and the relationship between father and son was very tense at one point.
When he was young, his father would ask him about his books, friends, and places to play.
After getting married, Zhu Ziqing's small family has not yet escaped the influence of his father, and his father has to decide all affairs.
At that time, Zhu Ziqing received a monthly salary from school, always half to his father and half to support his family.
After he gave birth to three children in a row, the family expenses increased and the money for the father decreased.
The father was very unhappy about this, believing that his son's money should be at his own disposal.
In order to maintain his position as the head of the family, his father even went to the principal privately and took all of Zhu Ziqing's salary.
Faced with such a strong control, Zhu Ziqing could not bear it, angrily resigned from his school job, and moved to another place with his wife and children.
Seeing his son's decision to cut ties with him, the father finally recognized his problem.
He wrote a letter to his son expressing remorse and promising not to interfere in his life again, which eased the relationship between father and son.
Psychologist Wu Zhihong once proposed a "viscous logic".
Simply put, it is a lack of boundaries in the family, where one party always wants to control the other.
Parents rely on their rich experience and insist on arranging their children's lives in person, regardless of their children's wishes;
The husband thinks that he has worked hard and asks his wife, who is at home full-time, to follow his own arrangements in everything.
Over time, the suffocating desire to control will gradually destroy the relationship and gradually create a gap between the two parties.
True love is respect, not control, and there is never a hierarchy in a family relationship.
Whether it's a parent, a partner, or a child, they're companions on your journey, not puppets for you to control.
Only by understanding each other, communicating on an equal footing, and unloading the will that binds the family can we create a warm and harmonious family environment.
no.05Don't expect too much from your family
Roland Maitreya, an American counselor, is often asked, "Why is it that the more we care about a relationship, the more likely we are to be disappointed?" ”
His answer was:Because we always expect the other person to do what we think we want, or to be what we want them to be.
In the family, many disputes arise from this expectation, and the higher the expectation, the more disappointment and resentment.
Blogger @Galaxy shared a story of his own.
She and her husband have been married for seven years, but he is still just an ordinary clerk.
Slowly, she looked at her husband more and more unpleasantly, so she made various requests.
When she sees someone else changing to a big house, she will reproach her husband for not working hard to make money and wanting to live in a big house herself.
When she heard that someone else had become a leader, she would also accuse her husband of not being motivated, and she also wanted to be the leader's wife.
Over time, her demands became higher and higher, her husband felt more and more aggrieved, and the two quarreled constantly.
Later, until one time she had a fever in the middle of the night and asked for water in a daze.
Her husband got up immediately, brought water and medicine for her, and used cold compresses to cool her down, and was busy until dawn.
She was moved and suddenly realized:Although her husband is not ambitious, he has always been gentle and considerate to herself.
Since then, she no longer puts pressure on her husband, family conflicts are resolved, and the loss in her heart has disappeared.
In real life, who doesn't want their parents, partner, and children to be strong, capable people?
Who wouldn't want to be the envied winner in life?
However, the ordinary is the destination of most people, there is no gorgeous aura, only ordinary daily life.
The speaker Christopher Meng once said:
"The road to hell is paved with expectation, which keeps out the feeling of love. ”
Flawlessness is a luxury, being ordinary is the norm, and we must accept the ordinary and reconcile with unrealistic expectations.
Only by reducing the harsh requirements for the family, giving more encouragement, and knowing how to be grateful, can we keep a happy family.
no.06Final remarks
The English jurist John Cork once said, "Every man's home is his own castle and fortress." ”
Family is our refuge from the wind and rain, and it is also the harbor of our souls.
In this place of love, laughter, and warmth, there is a need for mutual respect, care, commitment, and understanding.
The relationship between parents and children should be sincere, siblings should live in harmony, and husbands and wives should understand and support each other......
As long as the family is happy, the family will prosper.
For the rest of my life, may you and I be able to run our own families well and prosper.
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