Bobby argues that how parents treat the signals sent by their babies depends on the "internal working model" of the parents' attachment. In psychoanalytic terms, it is "inner object relations". In Ainsworth's words, "mental representations." Ainsworth found that the psychological representations of parents with secure attachment and those with insecure attachment are different, and the most important difference is the ability to "metacognize". But is it secure attachment that contributes to a person's metacognitive abilities, or is it metacognitive abilities that contribute to secure attachment?
This question, Ainsworth did not answer, but Peter. Peter Fonagy answers this question.
Vonnaji was born in Hungary in 1951 and came to the UK with his parents at the age of 16. At that time, he didn't speak English, he didn't want to talk to people, he struggled with his studies, he didn't want to go to school, he preferred to stay in his room, not eat, drink, and not go. He was very depressed, depressed, had frequent suicidal thoughts, and had plans to commit suicide. Luckily, his neighbours recognized that he was going through internal difficulties and sent him to Anna in Hampstead, north London. The Floyd National Center for Children and Families asked for help.
He was pulled to the ** room by a dilapidated Ford Anglia car, and after arriving at the ** room, he chattered to the ** master about his love for cars, and the broken car was his pride and joy. His ** division stood up, walked to the window, looked out, and said sincerely, "Peter, that's a good car." At that moment, what he was proud of was recognized, and he needed to be seen by others who appreciated it from the bottom of their hearts. He recalled: "My ** division saw another me through my struggle, and saw the qualities and abilities in it. I can do well if I eliminate some of the inhibiting, self-defeating behaviors and get in touch with the more positive side of myself. Later, Vonnajee became head of the Department of Psychology at the University of London and CEO of the Anna Freud Centre.
However, his most important contribution was answering Ainsworth's questions. He referred to the "metacognitive abilities" that Ainsworth introduced from cognitive psychology as "mentalization". Mentalization is the mental system in which we can understand, interpret and interpret the actions of ourselves and others from a psychological level.
Good mentalization is the "antidote" to interrupt the intergenerational transmission of insecure attachment. He devised the Reflection-Function Scale to assess an individual's mentalization ability by recruiting 100 couples whose wives were pregnant and began the study until their children could be experimented with in unfamiliar situations. He found that even mothers with attachment trauma raised children who exhibited a strong reflective function, that is, mentalization, were secure attachments. And if the reflective function is weak, only 1 out of 17 mothers with attachment trauma raised a child with secure attachment.
According to Vonerjee, mentalization is produced by the process of attachment. Attachment not only allows the infant to be cared for and emotionally responded to by the caregiver so that the infant can survive physically and emotionally, but it also allows the child to learn the ability to understand, interpret and interpret his own and others' behavior in his interactions with the caregiver, which is the "building block of social intelligence" and is essential for work, play, and all types of cooperation.
Since mentalization is so important, how can we have mentalization?
Vonnaji believes that having the ability to mentally become an achievement is actually an achievement of development. Mentalization is also a mode of experience. The so-called experiential mode is the way we gain feelings and perceptions of ourselves and the world through our own personal experiences. There are three types of experiential patterns, one is the equivalence mode, that is, we treat our feelings as objective reality, and this is often the case with babies. The second is the pretend mode, which is to think that our feelings have nothing to do with the objective world, as is the case with children who are addicted to games. The third is the mentalization model, which holds that our feelings reflect the objective world, but are not the same as the objective world. In general, children over the age of 4 can achieve this developmental achievement. And, more importantly, it depends on how well the caregiver and the child interact.
So how should parents interact with their children so that children can develop mental abilities?
First of all, the relationship between parents and children is one of mutual subjectivity. In other words, parents have the ability to see their children as a different individual from themselves and with a subjective nature. Moreover, children and parents can communicate with each other as a subject, share their inner psychological feelings, and even if they do not have the other person's feelings, or do not approve of each other's thoughts and feelings, they can still understand and feel. And they can penetrate each other, collide with each other, and produce new creations. However, many parents ignore that their children have their own ideas, and see their children as their own "echo worms", or tools to fulfill their expectations. With this attitude, it is impossible for the child to develop mental ability.
Second, parents should have the ability to contain their children's emotions. When the child is young, he is unable to express his inner uncomfortable feelings, and may provoke uncomfortable feelings from his parents by projecting identification. Parents need to accommodate this feeling, digest it internally, process it, and present it to their child in a way that is acceptable to them. For example, when the mother goes to the toilet, the baby cries and the mother feels upset. At this time, some mothers will be very angry and scold their children, feeling that the children are not sensible and make themselves unable to do anything; Or ignore the child's crying. This attitude of aggression and indifference does not contain the child's emotions. A mother who can contain emotions may be upset, but she can understand that it may be the uneasiness and anxiety caused by the child's inability to see herself. So, say to the child, "You saw your mother preparing to leave, and you were scared, afraid that you wouldn't see your mother, right?" Here, the mother is able to see the cause of the child's pain and name his painful feelings. Then, she can also say, "Mommy will be back soon, or Mommy will come with you." In this way, the feeling to the child is, "Mom can relieve or relieve my pain." If the mom also says, "I see you, you're using your crying to stop mom and let her know how scared you feel and don't want her to leave." This sees the child as a person with an independent mind, and there is his intention behind the child's behavior. According to Vonerjee, this last part is the most important part of mentalization. When parents are able to see their children as independent minds and can interpret the intentions behind their children's actions, they will let their children see the intentions behind their own actions, promote their understanding of themselves, and thus also interpret the intentions behind their actions through the actions of their parents. In order to achieve the mentalization ability to understand oneself and one's own others.
Third, it is the parents who want to mirror their children. We look in the mirror to see what we look like on the outside, and we need to use the nurturer's mirror to see what we look like on the inside. When the caregiver is able to "empathize with the child's inner (e.g., emotions), reflect on them, and help the child express them", this is a reflection of the child. Obsessive parents, on the other hand, may be able to empathize with their children's emotions, but they are unable to process, reflect and express them. At this point, the child will be caught in a painful emotion and will not be able to extricate himself. Apathetic parents, on the other hand, ignore their children's emotions or replace their children's real emotions with their own self-righteous emotions. Those parts that are not mirrored may be dissociated by the individual, thinking that they are not their own. With too much neglect, the child will not know who he is and will not feel his own existence. There are also some parents who rigidly criticize their children whenever they have negative emotions, making them feel bad about themselves, and over time, they tend to be depressed and have low self-esteem; Or just suppress your negative emotions and become a person who is optimistic on the surface and depressed on the inside.
If a child's emotions cannot be tolerated and reflected by his parents in the process of raising him, and his parents cannot regard the child as an individual with subjectivity, the child's mentalization ability will be worrisome. Psychology is to give the client a chance again, to reflect the original appearance of the visitor, to take back those parts that have been dissociated, to develop mental ability, to have secure attachment, and to end the vicious circle of the family.