Some partners will mention that it is really hard to get along with their parents, they are very frugal, they want to save money, they will hate me for wasting water, being slow, etc.
In fact, many times, we will find that it is possible to have conflicts with our parents.
Because of their time, many parents were too busy to meet their own emotional needs.
Plus they don't know how to express it, and it's sad to say something often.
So how do we get rid of their influence on ourselves and at the same time live in harmony with them?
One thing to mention here is tolerance, which means accepting oneself and accepting one's parents.
First of all, free yourself from the expectation of wanting your parents' love, and disassemble what you can expect from your parents and what you can't.
For example, when I was a child, I could expect my parents to give me money to spend and cook for me, but I couldn't expect my parents to appreciate me and affirm me.
At the same time, we should also see that our parents also have expectations for us, and she expects us to succeed in our studies and give her face.
In short, with them, there are some expectations that need to be put down.
For example, when you are with your parents during the Chinese New Year, there are some things that you can not do, and many times, you need to be somewhat restrained. Of course, we can stick to our own approach, but for example, some of the things they say: "You are too wasteful of water", "You are too slow" or will urge marriage, etc., they seem to think that marriage is the standard of life, and it is wrong not to get married, which we can actually ignore in our hearts.
The key mindset is to be yourself and not be concerned about the opinions, attitudes, and evaluations of others.
Sometimes, the reason why I am entangled is because of my inner expectations of my parents, including the understanding and approval of my parents. Because of the difference in our concepts, we pursue things that are different from theirs, and they will put forward objections, dislikes, and bad opinions.
Listen, but not mind, so that you can be as unmoved as they are.
When we recognize their limitations, we may begin to let go of some of our inner conflicts and stop resenting the parts that our parents can't do.
Being responsible for oneself means being mentally independent, no longer dependent on one's parents, and no longer emotionally dependent on others. Because I can be independent, I can choose what things are better for me.
Because they are independent, they pursue their own lives without being affected by their expectations.
And this spiritual independence is our inner "awareness", which is an observer and a witness. This observer is the source of our strength.
When this power is found, the source of love is also found, and the inner spring continues to emerge into the outer world.
Only by finding this power can we no longer be entangled in the love of others, enjoy it if we have it, and let go of it if we don't. It can be advanced and retreated, and it can be retracted and released freely.
The reason why we couldn't withdraw from the entanglement of family affection before was because we relied on family affection, so we regarded family affection as very important.
Come back to the inner strength and stop relying on the love of others, so that you can live your own life.
At this stage, we are not the same as before, there is still a conflict between us and our parents, but the way we deal with it and the mentality are completely different.
The same scenario: parents' dislike, control, and suppression, we just listen to it, no longer take it to heart, still insist on our own inner practices, and also take care of their emotions.
Respect the differences between yourself and your parents, insist on being yourself, and give your parents the emotional value they want. Give them affirmation, appreciation, love, and gratitude.
Even if there are conflicts, even if there are differences in generations, we can still accept our parents as they are, deeply understand their abilities and can'ts, and give them new emotional experiences.
At this time, we became the first to set an emotional example.
For example, our parents hated us for wasting water.
We can choose to take as little bathing as possible at our parents' house during the Spring Festival, or we can choose to communicate with our parents about our thoughts on cleanliness and hygiene, and understand our parents' original intention to save money.
In short, there will still be a conflict of ideas, but the inner acceptance is completely different from the mentality of resisting confrontation, because we have the source of our own inner strength.
I no longer ask for what I really are, I no longer ask the other party to love me as I want to be, jump out of the binary opposition between you and me, and stand in a higher dimension to look at the relationship between the two parties.
Only by becoming love can we accept the conflicting parts of the other person and ourselves, and let go of the expectations in our hearts for him.
This is tolerance, although you are different from me, but I accept you and still love you as before.
In fact, conflicts are often there, depending on the size of the heart, but the actions of others do not affect the essence of love in one's heart.
Deal with the discordant parts and accept the discordant parts. What about the opposite, either accept it or not accept it, you won't be stuck in certain positions, you will be angry if you don't accept it, and you will be aggrieved if you accept it.
It's just a choice to make willingly. Just like parents will urge marriage, we don't need to be in a hurry, ask our hearts, whether we want to get married, what kind of person we want, whether we are ready, and when will we get married?
For another example, if the parents have a violent tendency and beat their children, at this time, we can also ignore it, although she will do something to me, but she will bear karma, she has completely lost the self-sufficient part of her heart, and lost the essence of inner love.
Behind the attack, it may be that some of her needs have been attacked and have not been relieved.
In the face of other people's attacks, including survival needs, a sense of security, a sense of belonging, and a sense of value, no matter which one you have, just accept it, don't resent it or attack other people, know that the wicked have their own evil grinding, maintain the state of love in your heart, and be kind to yourself and others.
When we always stick to our own choices and our own wishes, the expectations, values, and opinions of others will not affect us, and we can negotiate with them or make choices directly.