Dilibeer. How to quit "guilt education" [EB ol].（2024-01-10）
At present, many parents consciously or unconsciously use "guilt education" in the process of their children's growth, by stimulating their children's guilt to make them obey their own wishes. There are great drawbacks to this form of education, and efforts must be made to eliminate them.
Recognize symptoms: a high-pressure atmosphere of excessive concern
We can often see such a phenomenon: when the college entrance examination, high school entrance examination and important exams of each semester come, many parents accompany them every day and fully support their children's preparation. Frequent and discreet attention, well-prepared food, and an atmosphere of whispered conversation all seem to tell the child, "We will do our best as long as it is beneficial to your studies." "Why is it that the meticulous care and care of parents for their children makes their children collapse? Mainly because these behaviors increase the child's guilt.
For another example, parents will say, "We go out early and return late to work, just hope that you can study hard" and "as long as you can be admitted to university, we will sell iron for you to study". Parents may say these words unconsciously, but they will subconsciously make children think that their parents are "good to me" and that they are "in debt" and need to repay and repay them by obeying their parents' arrangements or trying to achieve what their parents expect. Especially in the tense atmosphere of pre-exam preparation, the sacrifice and dedication of parents will bring invisible pressure to some children, equating the results of the college entrance examination with the return to their parents, making themselves more anxious.
Understand the hazards: self-punishment, low deserving
Behind the "guilt education" is the gap between the parents' expectations and the children's own reality. Parents have placed their expectations on their children in the process of raising their children, so when the children perform poorly, if they can't solve the problems and their grades fluctuate, they will feel that their own conditions cannot meet the expectations of their parents, so they doubt themselves, deny themselves, and even attack themselves, and the psychological burden is intensified.
Under the domination of this sense of guilt, children do not dare to relax in their studies and will also punish themselves. When there is a situation of "sorry" parents, both physical and mental punishment will be punished, such as failing the exam, you may force yourself to stay up late to read, or doubt yourself, deny yourself, and exacerbate your inner inferiority complex. It can even make children resentful and emotionally avoidant of their parents.
Feelings of guilt can lead to a child's feelings of being underworthy. It may be due to unreasonable perceptions such as average grades, or not being obedient enough, or being inferior to "other people's children", the child has low self-esteem and feels that he is not worthy of the love of his parents. Influenced by the feeling of low worthiness, some children will have the idea of "I am not worthy" when a good opportunity arises or when others give them kindness. The more kindness and dedication he received, the more uncomfortable and uneasy he felt.
Make amends: unconditional love and self-confidence
First of all, let the child know that the love of parents is unconditional. No matter how the child behaves, he is loved, not "if you are disobedient, mommy will not like you". His parents loved him because he was his parents' child, and in the process of paying for him, his parents also reaped joy and happiness.
Second, don't equate academic performance with giving back to your parents. If the child subconsciously thinks that only good grades can repay the parents, parents should try to communicate with the child, understand the child's thoughts, express their own opinions, and reduce the child's guilt.
Finally, appreciate your child and boost your child's self-confidence. Discover more children's strengths in life, and affirm and praise children specifically and clearly. A little more affirmation, a little less skepticism; A little more praise and less belittlement, the child will have more self-confidence. In this way, children's sense of self-worth will be enhanced, and children will be helped to correctly view their parents' contributions, move forward with gratitude instead of "burden", and embrace their bright future.