At the beginning of 2024, I attended my best friend's wedding and was happy for her, and I was deeply touched by her love for her other half.
We met when we were in junior high school. Having forgotten why we met, then got acquainted and became good friends. We are not inseparable friends, we have very different personalities, and there have been great conflicts in our impressions.
When we were in junior high school, she was a very free-spirited, straightforward, and relatively free girl.
I'm probably more modest, not so funny, and conservative in everything. It was only after college that I slowly became civilized hahaha. It was as if we became good friends precisely because she had the look of my heart, and when I couldn't be like her, I chose to appreciate. I still admire her to this day.
We weren't in the same school in high school or college, and we weren't in the same city after graduation, and we had a few chance contacts in between, but not that deeply, and I think we have always had each other's shadows in our hearts.
She often called me a school bully, scolded me for being overflowing with love, and being a good old person hahahaha. But I'm not a top student, just an ordinary woman who has followed the established route all the way. As for being a good person, I also admit that I'm very good, and sometimes I'm so good that I don't have a bottom line.
After experiencing some things, I seem to have become a little more "inhuman", and I am a little more indifferent to things and human feelings. But in fact, many of them are pretended, and then after pretending for a long time, they really become loners.
I wasn't brave enough when I was a student, but I shared some secrets with her and gained courage from her. So much so that now, she seems to have become my only friend in junior high school, and the other friendships that I used to care about are almost all gone.
I found that when I was a kid, we valued friendship more, and sometimes there was a sense of compulsion that you played with people I didn't like, and you just didn't want to be friends with me, so I would use the word calculating. The friendship after consideration is still quite profound, but as I grow up, I begin to understand that friends can be one-to-many, many-to-many, and everyone's world is free and wide.
My friend seems to have understood this earlier, and she grew up in a relatively free environment, and at a very early age she had a temperament that dared to love and hate, and she didn't play if she couldn't play, and she did things freely but unassumingly. I like the way she looks, her decisiveness and directness seem to be my weakness, I'm the kind of person who has a hard time letting go of one thing.
Looking at the timeline, I realized that I became friends because I liked it. At least liking is one of the important reasons, well, I said nonsense.
I attended her wedding. From the night before the wedding, a process has been planned, she is the protagonist, she has to go through the whole process, the whole process is overflowing with nothing but nervousness, happiness, nothing else.
My feelings are very real, and I am very touched and envious.
I think she is a person who can be free and independent very early, she learned to paint in high school, and she also passed the art examination and became the only person in our local three high schools to be admitted to the undergraduate, and now she has her own works in stages. has a relatively free growth environment, coupled with the fact that she knows what she wants, and then works hard to fight for it, which has made her what she is now.
I don't have much faith in love, and now she's set an example for me again. She said I was fine and looking forward to my story. Of course, I don't deny it, but I've never been so confident, and I don't have the confidence to say that I can support a relationship.
I remember that there was a time when I was in an intimate relationship, and when I came out, it was like losing half of my life. In a word, it's about falling in love with someone you shouldn't love. Once he lost himself with affection, crying is the norm, hysteria is the norm, and finally he took the initiative to leave in extreme reluctance. Start a long self-healing process.
In any relationship, I am more idealistic, assertive, and stubborn. But I don't think that's a big mistake. Losing oneself easily in a relationship is the biggest mistake.
Later on is about returning to the self. The subjectively perceived self is a vague self. We would say that some people will be self-centered, and we may not like that, but we also don't deny that the ego is energetic.
I'm not a self-centered person, and I lose myself because of some people and things. If that's the case for you, try to sense your heart, thoughts, or state every day. I'm a warmer person and a little cruel to myself, but I'm a little cold and wild to the outside. So I will also crave a time of dependence, a time of warmth. This seems to be a key need for me in intimate relationships.
But life is not about what you want, especially emotional needs must not be forced. In the end, I found that all you can do is be yourself.
Once forced, it is an act of imposing personal needs or expectations on others, and in this case, it is easy to lose yourself.
You may say, I've been sober until one day you suspect that you're sick and what you want.
Looking back now, everything is like a dream, the past time will not be repeated, and only a few fragments will be left.
In the past year, I have seen and heard that my peers, from elementary school to college, are either engaged, married, or on the way to marriage, and I have just returned to myself.
The process of re-acceptance can even feel unfamiliar, because you need to have a different mindset to look at the people and things that have been experienced, as well as those in front of you.
As far as marriage is concerned, I've tried to call myself unmarried, but I'm not particularly adamant. When the people around me get engaged and married, I will be envious and yearn for it in the past. Now more will go to bless and wish.
At the same time, I am firm in myself, because I have easily lost myself, I am not sound in myself, and it will be difficult to believe that I can do it if I want to manage a new relationship.
This year, I have benefited from returning to myself, but I have also fallen into the quagmire because of my own inadequacy. In the end, I found that no matter what kind of attempt I tried, I always wanted to achieve a complete self, but some walls had to be bumped to know that it hurt.
I finally knew that I should focus more energy on personal growth, warmth can be created by myself, and as for dependency, it is more of an obsession left by childhood memories.
Life will come to an end, and we will not belong to anyone and we will not have anything. It's a pleasure to be able to come back to myself. You find that you suddenly have a lot of energy to spend on yourself.
You originally liked sports and had a certain habit of writing, but it seems that you have been broken for a long time, and you have been tired for a long time, and finally you have the courage to pick it up again; You originally suspected that you were sick, but in fact you were very normal, and your whole person was much refreshed.
Knowing what is good and what you want will give you the courage and motivation to run.
The roommate who lives with me accompanies me in life, and often praises me bluntly, saying that you are really good. I'm lucky to have friends by my side. Finally, I would like to take this article to thank all my friends, as well as my dear family, and possible readers. The reason why I am who I am is also largely because of you, there are common pleasures to share.