Author: Wei Zhou.
Stills from "The Character of a Lady".
What makes a good man? There will always be a different answer to this question for different women in different eras.
Not so long ago, the most popular men in the marriage market were the "boss" type, because they represented the two most valued traits of men in the Chinese marriage tradition: aggressive masculinity ("ba") and career success ("total"). However, now, unconsciously, what is popular with women is already the kind of "wretched" with a sense of "human husband".
The annual meeting can't be stopped" stills.
The meaning of "husband sense", according to the explanation on the Internet, is roughly "a reliable family man who will not be wronged if he marries".
With him, the picture is not that he has mines, eight muscles, and a lot of money at home, but that he "can live": it doesn't matter if he looks ordinary, and his salary is not high, as long as he is diligent and diligent to support his family, he comes back and knows that he shares housework, serves tea and water, is emotionally stable, and will hurt his wife, that is the best candidate for a contemporary husband with "male morality".
Cheng Liang played by Bai Ke in the play "Lady's Character" has such qualities: he is not very self-motivated in his career, he does his job well, and focuses on home life.
Such a man doesn't have much brilliance at first glance, but he is clean, reliable, and dedicated.
1. Not greasy, no daddy, with him as a husband, you can gain a plain but reassuring marriage.
Stills from "The Character of a Lady".
How popular is a male figure like this? Someone said, not without exaggeration"In the current entertainment industry, the sense of husband is climbing the ladder, and the nest is the ruling area. ”
It is precisely because of Bai Ke's performance of such a role that he is firmly on the ceiling of "husband feeling", and his popularity has been bullish all the way. This is not just some boring idol dramas, after all, popular literature and art can best reflect what kind of daydreams the audience is having in this era, which is directly related to the ratings, if such a male image is not popular, it is unlikely to appear on the screen.
Compared with the masculinity of the past, this is indeed quite subversive, in other years, even women generally feel that "men, always have to be a little ambitious", like this "wrecked" family man, will only be regarded as "not enough men".
In fact, the so-called "husband feeling" is very much like the "male version of a good wife and mother": gentle and family-oriented, hard-working, self-responsible and good at housework, and more emotionally delicate and considerate - these are traditionally considered feminine traits. It's like saying before, "If there is an ugly wife in the family, if there is a treasure", but now the gender has changed.
I Love Male Babysitter" stills.
Speaking of which, the most "husband" may be the Shanghai man: as early as thirty or forty years ago, Shanghai men were jokingly called "Ma Sister-in-law" - the homonym in Shanghai dialect is "buy, eliminate, burn", that is, to buy, wash, and cook vegetables, that many families in Shanghai are dual-income workers, even if the man is a technical backbone in the unit, he will wear an apron to cook and wash clothes when he returns home, and he is not ashamed at all.
However, for a long time, this unconventional masculinity was generally ridiculed as evidence of "Shanghai's little men", as if these small citizen men were not like men, but more like women. But now, once you realize that life is nothing more than chicken feathers, then, as a "Ah He" on Douban said, "Whether a man loves you depends on whether he is willing to wash dishes and buy vegetables for you." ”
You Jindong "People to Middle Age".
In the process of modernizing a society, this is a scene that must be experienced sooner or later. After all, the traditional "masculinity" was formed in harsher times, but in the era of peace, economic development is the mainstay, and it will inevitably be challenged and redefined.
The feminist classic "Against Our Will" emphasizes that "violence, or the threat of violence, is used against women and is a basic necessity for masculinity", however, in modern society, this "toxic masculinity" is no longer appropriate, "I believe that in the future, men will no longer define masculinity by their own attacks or protection of women".
One of the salient features of the "sense of man" is an iconoclastic masculinity: it is not aggressive. Alain Bloom, in The Closure of the American Spirit, argues that this means a drastic adjustment and even a negation: "In order for women to be freed from the domination of men, the souls of men must be destroyed—their ambitious, belligerent, protective, and possessive ......."With masculinity discredited, the positive task is to make men considerate, and even educated, to fit into the reconstructed family. ”
It is conceivable that every step of this social change is by no means easy, and there are countless difficult run-ins. In fact, if the mentality is not adjusted, the man who really has a "sense of husband" becomes a husband, and the woman may not feel happy.
Many years ago, I heard such a story: after a couple got married, the husband was so considerate, but seeing that other people's families were getting richer, the wife gradually disliked him for being incompetent, and even his forbearance was ridiculed as "not like a man".
Although the new generation of women is now very different, and it may not require men to be more "ambitious", but "strong men and weak women" are still the standard in the marriage market, even some independent women may not be able to accept their husbands washing their hands at home to make soup - of course, men who can accept and take the initiative to do so, can imagine even less. The problem is not so much who does the chores themselves, but rather the fact that it involves a series of conflicts over gender roles in the marital relationship, which can be awkward if not handled well.
Dragon City" stills.
In this sense,The prevalence of "husband sense" reflects a sense of "twisting" in contemporary women's view of marriage and loveThey no longer need the strong protection of men as before, and they don't care about how they have power and money, but instead want them to provide emotional support, but the reason why such social needs arise is precisely because they are not met in reality. If men's fantasy of "good wives and good mothers" is no longer realistic, then why are they willing to believe that "husband feeling" is real?
What makes many women wonder the most is here: it is said that the "sense of husband" does not have high requirements for men's appearance, family background, ability and other aspects, but I just hope that he can be gentle and considerate, why is such a person so difficult to find?
I once heard a girl in a college class say that the men they are looking for are only "mid-range": they don't have to be too handsome, but they can't be too ugly; You don't have to be rich, but don't be too poor either; You don't need to be too successful, just don't fail too much; Don't be too manly, don't be a sissy, just ......They don't understand, is it very demanding? Why can't I find it?
The problem here is that real people in reality will never be the same as the standard, and there is no ideal character who can perfectly match all of their requirements. Although at first glance this does seem to be a retreat to greatly reduce expectations, the "sense of husband" seems to transfer the role of the former family and foreign affairs to the man. Some women have realized that it is unrealistic to cross classes through marriage, but the dream of a princess cannot be broken, since the man around him is not so good, then his posture must be lower.
Stills from the Husband's Apartment.
However, even if this is a daydream somewhat illusory, the social mentality behind it is real: with the awakening of female subjectivity, they find that instead of marrying a tyrant and waiting for him to be lucky, it is better to be the protagonist themselves, "don't choose the expensive, only choose the right one", the pursuit is not rich and expensive, but only wants the affordable "affordable man", just make yourself feel comfortable with each other, not for romantic love, but for plain is a blessing, the subtext behind it is, "It is better to live a good life than anything else".
It is not difficult to see that this is not so much looking for a lover as a family member, or rather, a social role that can provide a family-like feeling.
In the early days, this kind of IKEA man often had stunts, but he was hidden deeply, but now everyone has given up illusions, just be good to me, not excellent but more down-to-earth, which is indeed similar to a man's choice of wife in terms of mentality.
However, this is also a kind of progress, because it means that in the relationship between the sexesWomen are no longer willing to be the ones who are "exploited", so the setting of "husband" has emerged.
In the current era full of changes, more and more women have begun to realize that the instability of marriage has become higher, and there are still variables in being someone's wife. Although theoretically it is said that men support their families, in fact, after marriage, women still have to earn money to support men, especially at the bottom of society, and this probability is not low.
In other words, the establishment of this social phenomenon is actually premised on the premise that women themselves have money to be self-reliant, and they do not need men to earn money to support their families, but only need him to provide emotional value.
The problem now is that many men are neither breadwinners nor emotionally worthy. The market demand for "human husband" is there, but it does not mean that there is a market. What's more, now men have also begun to be justifiably exempted from "gentlemanly manners", although they eat more and better, but they are required to pay half of the AA system for women, and men's dividends are not less, but they are free from their original responsibilities.
If the "sense of husbandry" reflects the needs of women, then there are a series of questions: can men with such traits win in the marriage market if most of them do not have good hard indicators? If "Sense of Husband" is really popular, will he pick and choose? Then it's not so "many".
In Japan, there are some famous "soft rice eaters", who have never worked and have been supported by multiple girlfriends, he just provides emotional value and housework, and is still very popular, like this, can you accept it?
Furthermore, at first glance, this seems to be a "strong" woman, but in fact, the gender structure has not changed substantially, but it shows how humble women are to men: a little improvement in a man will be appreciated - he is just like a "person", a little more meticulous, a little more considerate, he will be praised very well, but it seems to be very popular; And women have always been like this in marriage, not only taken for granted, but sometimes complained that they are not good enough.
A female friend sneered sharply:"I think men are just doing some of the housework and being considerate, and women are already confused. ”
Hometown, don't come to harm" stills.
What's even more tricky is that the "sense of husband" is often gradually discovered when you need to get along, but it may change at any time, such as being gentle and considerate during the love period, but after giving birth to a child and a high position, you disdain to be a husband.
In other words, seeking a "sense of husband" in the sea of people implies that "as long as you find the right person (mr.).right), everything will be fine", but it is not realistic to seek immutable people or relationships.
Love should not be a matter of an object, but a capability. Thinking that "I don't need to adjust, you will serve me and make me feel comfortable", although it is excusable, is only an illusion, because it is only a static one-way relationship, and I am afraid it is difficult to last. The important thing is to base yourself first, and on this basis, seek a partner who can dynamically adjust to each other and face real life together, which is the proper meaning of modern marriage and love.