I was an unlikable child
My parents had a total of 3 children, and I was the second.
Because I am introverted and stubborn, my mouth is still stupid, and I don't like my parents. In their eyes, the smart and clever sister and the cute and well-behaved brother just make up the word "good", but I am particularly redundant. When my grandmother celebrated her 70th birthday, the guests were full, and the old man suddenly announced in public that he would pass me on to my second uncle. The second uncle and the second aunt have been married for many years and have never had children.
Everyone was silent, except for me, who was already 7 years old, crying and refusing. My mother was rare to be gentle with me once, but she just touched her head and persuaded me softly: "Be good, you have to be obedient!" "After the birthday banquet, I was taken to my second uncle's house. My mother packed a bag of clothes for me, and none of them were left over from my sister.
When I arrived at my second uncle's house, I kept yelling to go home, crying until midnight and refusing to sleep. The second uncle has been patiently coaxing me, but the second aunt felt troublesome, and carried the bag of clothes and asked the second uncle to drive me home. When I arrived at the door, my mother refused to open the door, and shouted at me through the door: "How can the children of the family leave everything to you?" Hurry up and go back with your parents! ”
Abandoned by my biological mother, I no longer had the confidence to cry, so I had to follow my second uncle back to "home". Later, I learned that they had already discussed the transfer of me to my second uncle. As a child who needs to rely on adults to grow up, all I can do is accept.
After that, I never went back to my home. The two families didn't move around very often, and they almost cut off contact after the death of their grandmother. On the day of my grandmother's death, when the whole family went back to the hometown to worship, I saw my mother from afar, and my eyes couldn't help but follow her. She held my sister in her left hand and her brother in her right hand, and quickly disappeared from my sight, not knowing if she saw me. At that time, I suddenly understood in my mind: my mother only had one pair of hands, and she could no longer hold my sister and brother.
For a long time afterward, that image would pop back in my mind from time to time, reminding me of the fact that I had never been loved by my mother. At the same time, I also reminded myself that I should be grateful to Dade for the efforts of my second uncle and second aunt. I always get up early every day, help my second aunt with housework, help her, and do my best to please them, for fear that I will be abandoned again.
However, I am afraid of something. My second uncle's family lived in the city, so I transferred from the countryside to the city, but I found that there was a huge gap between the education level in the rural and urban areas. Other children have memorized pinyin and letters very well, and I have just begun to study hard. Because his academic performance has always been at the bottom, he is often called his parents, and every time the second uncle comes forward to deal with the aftermath and hides it from the second aunt.
When I failed an exam in the fourth grade of elementary school, the teacher angrily asked me to call my parents. The second uncle was on a business trip, and as a last resort, I had no choice but to let the second aunt go to school. When I came back from school, she packed my clothes with a black face, picked me up like a chicken, and threw it at the door of my biological parents' house.
She banged on the closed door and yelled at me to give me back. Before the gate opened, we were already surrounded by people. They persuaded the second aunt to take me back quickly, so as not to let people see the joke.
My mother finally opened the door and walked out, but she just glanced at me lightly and said, "Why are you so uneasy, you made your mother angry again, apologize quickly!" As he spoke, he pushed me in front of the second aunt, and said with a smile: "The child is young and ignorant, so you should take care of it more." The second aunt said angrily: "I said why did you just give me the second child, I already knew that this was an unenlightened elm pimple!" You can take this baby back! I don't want it! ”
When the mother heard this, she was anxious: "When my mother gave the child to you, she is your child, how can you say don't want it!" She pushed me in front of my second aunt again and yelled at me, "Hurry up and apologize to your mother!" I just said "I'm sorry" and was pushed back by my second aunt.
In full view, I was pushed around by my birth mother and adoptive mother, like a leather ball. Standing in the noisy crowd and overwhelmed, I realized for the first time the embarrassment of my own life: in the eyes of my own mother, I was no longer her child; In my adoptive mother's eyes, I was just a fool that others didn't want. It seems that there is no home in this world that is mine, and no one who really loves me and loves me.
The retirement turmoil ended with my second uncle rushing back from out of town and bringing me home, but the scene of that day turned into a nightmare for me. Every time I think about it, I feel like I'm worthless, no one to love.
No child is superfluous
Fortunately, because of the expansion of junior high school enrollment, I was admitted to junior high school. In order to save trouble, my second aunt helped me go through the procedures for living in the school. The dormitory life, which is avoided by other students, is a different kind of freshman for me.
Because I was away from a bad family, I no longer had to look at other people's faces and was able to devote myself to my studies. Slowly, I transformed from a "stupid" to a "child of someone else's family", and my second uncle and aunt were also proud when they mentioned me to others. This made me think that if I studied hard, I could get enough love and respect.
During the high school entrance examination, I was admitted to a key high school in the city. Throughout high school, I was on my own because I really didn't know how to get along with people. I always feel that no one will be good to me for no reason, and others need to pay for me in exchange for their own efforts.
Later, I was admitted to the university of my choice, worked in a foreign company, and became the most promising child among my siblings. Every time I go home, my second uncle and second aunt will greet me with a smile, cook me a big table of delicious food, and I will also buy them a lot of expensive gifts.
But I knew in my heart that I was still surrounded by a huge sense of emptiness, and I couldn't get close to them, which was just a reward for their nurturing kindness. For me, family affection is an exchange after the passage of time.
Because I didn't know how to deal with intimacy, I never fell in love, even though many people around me had expressed affection for me. Seeing that I was nearly thirty years old, my second uncle and second aunt were anxious, so I asked people everywhere to introduce me to someone.
After many rounds of blind dates, I married a man named Jiang Chao. Jiang Chao has an average job, mediocre appearance, and a wooden personality, and he is not a good match in the eyes of many people, but I think this is a person I can "control".
Until the day before the wedding, the second aunt was still complaining, saying that I was "getting married", and with my appearance and ability, I deserved to marry a better person. She didn't know that under the skin of **, I was still the little girl who was once pushed around by my biological mother and adoptive mother, how dare I expect too much from others.
In 2020, I lost my job. For so many years, I have been working hard to get the little love and respect that others have for me, but now, the job I am proud of is gone, and I have lost my sense of control over my life. I felt like I had become useless again, as if I was back in the days when I was pushed and shoved by my mother and second aunt, and insomnia and anxiety took over all my life.
During that time, I sometimes felt a little bit of existence by constantly doing things, and sometimes I felt powerless, didn't want to do anything, felt sorry for myself, and resented that life was unfair to me.
However, at the hardest time, I found out that I was pregnant. At that moment, every cell in my body was written with resistance. Yes, I resisted the arrival of this child, not only because I was not ready to be a mother, but also because I had nothing at the moment.
I decided to go for an abortion behind Jiang Chao's back. At the last B-ultrasound before the operation, the small embryo in the abdomen was infinitely amplified, and the regular and powerful heartbeat made me retreat, and I was reluctant. It wasn't until I sat on the couch at home that I had a lingering thought: I almost killed my own child! What's wrong with the child? Just because I'm not ready to be a mother, can you kill a child who hasn't been born yet? What's the difference between that and my mother, who was born but didn't raise one?
Throughout my pregnancy, Jiang Chao took care of me meticulously, and I had no idea what kind of ideological struggle I had experienced. Ten months later, my daughter was born, crumpled and ugly. But just looking at her, my heart is as soft as cotton. I love her so much that I will sacrifice my life for her! Whether she is beautiful or ugly, whether she is excellent or ordinary, I will love her!
I wake up every morning watching my child's little face and fall asleep with my daughter's milky little body every night. Watching her grow from a toddler and babbling little milk doll to a "little wit" who jumped up and down in my ear and whispered her little secrets with me, I felt the changes and growth of the child at every stage, enjoyed the warmth and touching in the process of taking care of the child, and seemed to have gained some kind of new strength. Gradually, the things that I thought I couldn't let go of became very faint shadows, only occasionally flickering in my memory.
Because of the birth of my daughter, I suddenly realized that every life is unique. In this world, no child is superfluous and deserves to be loved by their parents. My mother and second aunt don't love me, that's their problem, not my sin.
I want to be a better version of myself and repair the wounds that seem to be forever irreparable. It was my daughter who gave me the opportunity to accept my childhood and let me sew up my broken self little by little. In the process of raising my daughter, it was as if I was also raising my own inner child. Little by little, she grew up, she gradually had the ability to love, she became more and more powerful, more and more comfortable, no longer careful to please anyone, no longer felt that she did not deserve beautiful things.
On my daughter's 3rd birthday, she blew out the birthday candles and turned around and gave me a sweet kiss. I held my daughter's small body in my arms, looked at her side face that had faded from the baby's appearance at some point, and found that the family affection that I had been asking for for many years had already been fulfilled in her.
When my daughter entered the kindergarten, I decided to find a new job. I reconciled with my past self, accepted my regrets, and forgave each of my loved ones for their limitations and embarrassments.