The movie "Love Before Dawn".
If we can, we all want to have a sweet and wonderful love, but in reality, we often taste the bitterness of love. Most relationships are woven through a series of pains, with contradictions and pain running throughout.
We crave love, but in the process of pursuing it, we often deviate from the original intention and do a lot of "relationship-busting" behavior.
In fact, when we enter into an intimate relationship, the exposure and activation of vulnerability and inner trauma can cause us to subconsciously adopt various defensesTo resist the pain and fear that comes from the past, to resist the anxiety and panic that we can't deal with, but also to keep us in the painful relationship pattern of the past, to experience those anger and despair again and again. When we activated our defenses, we also closed our hearts.
Sometimes, we don't love with our hearts, but we areCollide with defense
The movie "Marriage Story".
1.Projection, you may not be in love with the real person
In couples or couples, we often hear the saying, "You have changed, how can you be such a person?!" "I pretended to be like that to attract you, and that's what I really am."
After spending some time with your partner, you may find that the person in front of you seems to be different from when you first met. Actually, maybe that's what you really are, and what you see and fall in love with at the beginning is more of a projection within you.
Projection is a common occurrence in interpersonal interactions, especially in romantic relationships and husband and wife relationships.
Jung believed that the relationship between the sexes is based on projectionLove begins with positive projection.
We will unconsciously project our inner desires, expectations, and those beautiful qualities onto our partner, so in our eyes, they are gentle and considerate, calm and reliable, lively and moving, and humorous.
And these are just our fantasies, and in the face of daily trivialities, each other's true appearance gradually emerges.
The movie "He Actually Doesn't Like You That Much".
After disillusionment, it isThe beginning of true love.
But many times, after disillusionment, people experience more anger, resentment, frustration, and the hurt of rejection, and begin to try to transform their partner
You have to be like what I want you to be", "I love you, I know what you should be", "You have to do it, or I can't accept it"...Transformation is also often the beginning of a relationship's path through hell.
Projection makes people not see each other's true appearance, how to touch each other's real appearance through fantasy, not deceived by illusions, is a test of our ability to love.
2.Projective identity, a contest in a relationship
Projective identity is always associated with projective "partnering" in a relationship.
Projective identity is like"Seduction"., induce others to react in a limited way, and induce the other person to do things according to their own behavioral logic. And it's also the process of turning the new relationship into an old, familiar model of the relationship.
The movie "The Life of the Disgusted Matsuko".
How does projective identity happen in a relationship? After reading the examples below, you will understand.
A couple came to consult, and after sitting down, the wife complained to her husband, "He can't do anything at home!" I take the baby to do housework after work, and he can burn him when he cooks a porridge, you say I can expect him to do something! ”This pattern of getting along is common in everyday life. The wife always takes care of everything, because her husband is "useless" and "unreliable", and he can't do anything well, so he can only do it himself.And the gentleman looked helpless, "Is it because I don't want to do it?" , as soon as I do something, you pick and choose, none of it is good, do you think I can have the motivation to do it? ”
Then tell me what you have done! Isn't everything I'm saying the truth?! Am I deliberately trying to find fault with you? ”
The wife was even more angry, and the husband could only shake his head and stop talking.
And in her husband's heart, whenever she tried to do something and wanted to do a good job, she was always hit, and in the end she simply broke the jar and broke it completely.
And if you think about it carefully, is the "incompetent" husband really incompetent?
In fact, behind the incompetence, it is inseparable from the "training" of his wife.
Husbands and wives often play projection games with each other. "Unreliable man", the wife projects this belief in her heart onto her husband. And her husband gradually agreed with this belief after many blows and denials, "I just can't do it". As a result, the relationship pattern between the husband and wife has evolved into a situation of mutual accusations and arguments.
Projective identity has a strong sense of "control". In intimate relationships, we are always prone to forcibly project what we imagine, or feel, or some emotion on our own to our partner, and finally let the other person really become what we imagined through various hints or explicits.
And there are only two outcomes of the relationship, the projection identity succeeds, the other party becomes "incompetent", the projection identity fails, and the two sides break out into conflict and resistance. Either way, it can cause us pain and suffering in our relationship.
The movie "Marriage Story".
3.Denial, a fragile moment of rejection
Denial is a defense mechanism that is often activated when an individual is confronted with unbearable strong feelings, so as not to be too shockedFor example, when a loved one has passed away, not wanting to admit this fact is not enough to bear the pain of losing a loved one.
But in intimacy,But it can hurt people. Many times, we look for a partner to have a strong support when we are vulnerable; Unfortunately, sometimes they don't offer support, they act as the straw that breaks you back.
During the period when the epidemic was raging, some people said that Yang knew once that this husband and wife relationship had come to an end. When I have a fever and weakness, lying in bed and drowsy and confused, it is difficult for my partner to empathize with me, and the takeaway I ordered is salty and oily, so that I get angry when I cook a white porridge, saying that I have a lot to do! It's chilling.
It may seem that the partner is cold and unfeeling, but from another point of view, such behavior is an explanation of the defense mechanism of denial. To empathize with the understanding of the sick partner at the moment means to face fragile emotions, and when you can't face it, you can only choose to deny it, denying the fact that your partner is sick, and denying your own vulnerability.
But holding, accepting and supporting each other's vulnerable moments is the key to loving and being loved, and those fragile moments of rejection can become indelible scars on the relationship, and the relationship that cannot be shared is difficult to last.
The film "Revolutionary Road".
4.Regressive, couples who can't talk well
Couples who can't say something well are also the most common type of marriage counseling.
"How do I know?! ”Originally, I wanted to express distress, worry, concern and love, but when I said it, it was filled with anger and dissatisfaction, and it turned into accusation and criticism, denial and derogation.Knowing that the weather is going to be cold, don't wear more clothes, if you don't catch a cold, who has a cold?! ”
I came back so late, why don't you just sleep outside?! ”
I obviously don't think so in my heart, but when I exit, it will become a knife in the other person's heart.
Knife mouth tofu heart", but in fact, the knife mouth is also hurtful, the knife is too much, and it will gradually become numb and forget the tofu heart behind it, and the intimate relationship is indeed cut out of a lot of cracks by the knife mouth.
Why can't you say something well? Maybe it's launchedThe defense mechanism of regression.
Most of them stay in a state of "addiction to the mouth", releasing attacks from their mouths, but the "tofu hearts" behind the knives are seeking links with each other in this way.
"Knife mouth" is at the age of **, but the satisfaction of pleasure in the relationship has regressed back to the mouth of the oral desire period, saying "I love you" in a way that hurts the other party.
And often the closer the relationship, the deeper the knife can be stabbed, because for them, the more they love, the more they attack.
The film "Revolutionary Road".
5.Passive aggression, silent on the surface, and magnificent on the inside
A strong crazy wife, a weak and silent husband isSoul interpretation of passive aggression.
The so-called passive aggression refers to the weak party in the relationship to vent his anger through indirect means such as procrastination, evasion, deliberate provocation, and secret revenge, and the target of the attack is often the party in the relationship who seems to be in a strong position.
The most common manifestations of passive aggression are:
Silence evasion, refusal, in the face of conflict problems, silent evasion, avoiding problems in various ways;When faced with conflict, they instinctively choose to avoid bypassing and suppress their true thoughts, but they will secretly ignite the fire in other ways and make their partners explode.Procrastination,will not resist your arrangement head-on, but will continue to procrastinate until you urge to go crazy countless times;
Fake compromiseAt the conscious level, they will give in sincerely, but their subconscious instincts drive them to satisfy themselves, so they may inadvertently forget your instructions, and they may suddenly have a situation that cannot complete what they promised you;
Inability to express the true emotions within at the level of consciousnessIt may be that they were not allowed to express themselves in the past or suffered a bad experience when expressing, so they subconsciously chose to retreat back when they needed to express, suppressing themselves, and activated the defense mechanism of passive aggression, releasing their inner aggression in an obscure and imperceptible way.
But in intimate relationships, passive aggression can often bring the relationship to an impasseIn the long run, the relationship between the two sides will fall into continuous anger, confrontation, avoidance, and helplessness.
Korean drama "Dark Glory".
Defense is not intended, it isSubconscious "protection".。Keep us safe, keep our self-esteem from being damaged, and avoid looking directly at things that make us fearful.
Underneath the defense, there are the "bad" emotions that we have not dealt with well in the past, the deep uneasiness, and the vulnerable parts that we cannot accept. By wrapping these in thick armor, we avoid facing painful moments.
But as mentioned above, the various defense mechanisms are also a "knife" that ruthlessly cuts off our intimate connection with our partner, which is what we crave and the key to helping us truly emerge from vulnerability. Especially when both partners are on the defensive, colliding in the relationship with their own defenses, the relationship tends to break down.
The best way to unload your defensesIt is to learn to see and accept one's own fragile emotions, to treat one's fragile self well, and to satisfy one's inner slack.
When we no longer respond with a defensive posture, we can penetrate the fog of love and find the truth of love.
The movie "Love Before Dawn".
end
This article is the original article of Guangzhou Hearing Bar Psychological Counseling Center, and has been protected by the original**Please indicate the source, unauthorized users, the company reserves the right to pursue according to law.