Many women pay a lot of attention to good men, they like to discuss what a good man is, they like to study how to get a good man, keep a good man, and often envy other women who have found a good man.
Some time ago, a certain female star took her to participate in a love variety show and broke out golden sentences"Good men are not in circulation in the market"., which has aroused heated discussions among many netizens. A significant number of women agreed.
At first glance, there is nothing wrong with this sentence, what a good man is on the market? Not much.
Who doesn't strike first when they meet a good man?
Most of the ones that can be circulated in the market for people to choose are picked and leftover, or they are eliminated and cannot find a target, either unsatisfactory here or disgusting there.
The superficial meaning of this sentence is to advise women not to hesitate or wait when they meet a good man, and to quickly take it for themselves so as not to regret it.
But the reason why many colloquialisms are popular does not mean that they are correct and objective, but that they present a certain collective consciousness.
These collective consciousnesses often hide the codes of our actions and destinies. Some irrational concepts and collective consciousness are very likely to cause us to make mistakes in our choices.
Good men don't circulate in the market", is a typical such sentence, from which we can get a glimpse of many ideas in women's minds and the bugs in these concepts.
What can be circulated in the market is generally an item or commodity, and what can be robbed is an item whose value is recognized by everyone.
Just as money can be treated as a general equivalent because its value has been agreed upon. Everyone knows that money is a good thing, and a good man is naturally what everyone wants.
The question is, what makes a good man? In fact, we have not yet been able to reach a consensus.
And many people's perception of a good man has many limitations.
According to the traditional perception of the past, the so-called standards of a good man are nothing more than a few:
Age, which is the age of marriage, cannot be too old or too young;
Appearance, appearance: upright, medium to high height;
Career and economic strength: have a house and a car, middle and upper income, and have a certain economic foundation and career foundation;
Health: no serious diseases, sound limbs, normal fertility;
Family of origin: Both parents have old-age security, and it is best not to have too many siblings ......
If you take care of your family, don't mess with the relationship between men and women, and occasionally do housework, then the woman who can get him is like winning the jackpot and saving the galaxy, and she will be jealous of her best friends and sisters when she says it.
These standards of so-called good men have reigned in our collective consciousness for quite some time.
But if we look at these standards, we will find that they are just as appropriate for objects
A good machine, with a good appearance, strong performance, durable to use, and easy to maintain.
That is to say,In the secular view, the standard of a good man exists only in the functional value of men. He is like a commodity, which can be used and durable, and can meet the needs and expectations of women (mainly material needs here), even if he is a very good man, enough for many women to grab their heads.
But in this concept, the emotional value of men is ignored, which is what we often call emotional value now.
With the public's attention to mental health, the increase in understanding of psychology, and the improvement of women's ability and social status, more and more women can meet their own functional needs, and the importance of emotional value is gradually being paid attention to.
And a man who can provide good emotional value cannot be measured purely from functional value, which is another dimension of the standard, which is about a personPersonality maturityand recognitionThe breadth of knowledge- He needs to be able to keep up with the growth rate of today's contemporary women, have a sense of equality between men and women, and have a sound personality, the ability to see each other's feelings, and a relatively stable mood.
Whether a man can provide emotional value cannot be known from the introducer of the blind date market, from the profile of the blind date platform, and even from the mouth of a common relative and friend.
This kind of good man's trait will not be displayed in the market at all, but needs to be observed and perceived in daily life and his people's relationship, how can it be circulated?
That is to say,With the broadening of women's horizons and the diversification of values, it is no longer possible to reach a consensus on what makes a good man, a good man in your eyes and a good man in my eyes are not the same thing at all, and women naturally don't need to rush to it.
Many women are worried that they can't find a suitable partner because they believe that good men don't circulate in the market, and they don't listen to their feelings when choosing a partner, and they choose a good man who looks good and meets secular standards to "make do", and as a result, they push themselves into the fire pit.
When you listen to this sentence, you will treat a man as a possession, like a robbery of supplies in the event of a disaster, without considering whether you need this man or not, and whether he is suitable for you.
When looting supplies, many people will find that those materials are not worth that high**, people just lose their minds out of panic, and it is the same for men to rob.
You choose him not out of love and appreciation, but out of a desire to win a competition against other women for a mate, and a fear of not being able to pick a better partner. These factors you consider have nothing to do with him personally, and you are equivalent to being coerced by irrelevant people to choose a life partner against their will.
You snatch men as objects, but men are completely different from objects.
If the item is not suitable and not easy to use, you can just throw it away, at most it is just a waste of money paid for the purchase at that time.
Even if a man is no longer suitable, he will have to pay a huge sunk cost when he is with each other, and he will have to go through internal friction and consideration to leave.
Not to mention that some men get along with each other and trigger all kinds of negative feelings in their partners, which are physically and mentally torturous.
And if you want to get a satisfactory relationship, it must be the meeting of two mature enough personalities, the sympathy of two independent souls, you appreciate each other, understand each other, and trust each other.
To be able to choose such a man requires you to abandon the noise of the outside world, have your own opinions, keep your eyes open, and respect and listen to your own feelings.
The reason why women attach so much importance to good men and do not let the so-called good men circulate in the market is that there is also a collective subconscious that women want to live well and live comfortably, and they can't do without good men.
Good men are so important that every woman wants to keep them for herself.
This phrase is also equivalent to acquiescence: "Men are responsible for the happiness of women".
In this context, men are not only responsible for women's diet and daily life, the survival and living materials needed for women's survival, and improving women's quality of life, but also for women's joys, sorrows, and sorrows. If a woman is not so comfortable, it must be because she chose the wrong man and ruined her life by a scumbag.
But in fact, there are too many women in life who have proved that they can live a wonderful and comfortable life without men.
They have enough earning power, have a self-responsible attitude, have good social support and friends, handle interpersonal relationships outside of intimate relationships well, are not lonely or complaining, develop themselves wholeheartedly, and actively explore the experiences they want, whether they are good men or bad men, they are not necessities in their lives.
A wise woman believes more in fate, and when fate comes, she meets the person she likes, and dares to enter the relationship no matter what the world's standards are; If fate doesn't arrive, and you don't meet someone who makes you willing, it doesn't matter if you stay single.
They are not affected by the "herd effect", and they will neither "raise the price of pigs" and find a so-called "good man" at will, nor will they miss the ideal partner who is really suitable for them because they do not meet the standards of the outside world.
If there are so many bugs in this sentence, why can it still prevail for many years and be regarded as a model by many women?
A woman's attachment to a good man is a desire for an idealized object
Many women are constantly disciplined and hypnotized as women from an early age"Second sex".attributes, all aspects of society and family are telling them:
Men are stronger than you, more important than you, smarter than you, find a good man, and you have hope in life.
Even most of the TV series we watch, the male protagonist in the play is engaged in a career all day long, while the female protagonist dreams of a good man to love herself all day long, and is always worried about love.
The proportion of men, experts, and top-level talents in various fields of society is significantly higher than that of women.
This makes many women unable to believe in their own energy, but are convinced of the power of men, thinking that what they cannot do, men can do.
Before marriage, they dreamed of finding a good man to provide them with good material conditions and soothe their emotional wounds;
After marriage, I am willing to let myself be a man's backing and virtuous helper, and fantasize that as long as I serve a good man, I can realize all kinds of dreams in life through men.
In psychology, women's fantasies about men are essentially idealized objects of men.
That is, a woman projects an ideal self onto a man, thinking that a man can meet her own desires, this man can do anything, do what he can't do, and when this man falls in love with herself, she can give herself all kinds of support and resources.
As psychologist Zeng Qifeng said:
"Many women project their own strength to men, and then have a lot of expectations for men, which is actually a trap for themselves."
When they really get close to these good men, they will find that they also have vulnerable moments and selfish moments;
In the face of danger, they will also be cowardly compromised;
In the face of some thorny problems, it is not even as easy to deal with them as you are;
In the face of setbacks and failures, the endurance is not as strong and tenacious as itself.
So they were disillusioned and disappointed.
Some women will think that it is the man who has deceived them, and they have set a trap for themselves by pretending to be a good man.
So throw all the blame on the other party, spend the rest of your life in remorse and resentment, or get along with a so-called "good man" and fall into the same trap again.
And there is also a kind of woman, when they are disappointed in men, they also find themselves strong at the same time.
They began to realize that they did not lack arms or legs than men, and that they could do what men could do. They began to re-nurture the wings that had been severed from childhood, and although they began to stumble at first, they began to get off to an end, working hard, and taking off in the direction they wanted.
That's what an adult really looks like – integrating your full self:
Embrace the shadow self of dissatisfaction and create an ideal self of fantasy.
If a good man really brings us a good experience, let this experience internalize and nourish ourselves, and accompany us to integrate and learn the part of a good man's personality that we envy;
If a good man has a vain name, it is better to kick it away and create the life he wants. But in either case, we have to separate ourselves from idealized objects and move on to the path of self-growth.
For example, several heroines in the hit TV series "Flowers" are always representatives of idealized objects in their hearts, and they all hope to stay with this out-of-print good man for a lifetime and become his only one. But in the end, when they were disillusioned, they all bravely broke with the past, gave up the pampered and prosperous life, plumped their wings little by little, and realized their wishes with their own hands.
It doesn't matter if it's a good man or a bad man, it doesn't matter if it's circulating in the market or not, you just have to be your own dock.