When I was a child, I still remember the urgency of looking forward to the New Year. Now it has become torment and helplessness. My thoughts may be wrong, but I am paranoid that I am coerced and put on the moral high ground in the name of family affection. Contribute money and effort, laugh with you, and wait for others to despise and trample. Is it because I'm used to staying alone in a lonely house with loneliness as a companion or because of what my family of origin gave me, it's all hurt. So no matter what, whether you do it or not, your heart is always painful and you can't let go.
In the seventies when I was born, each family had more than one child, and there were five in our family, so except for the oldest and the youngest, the middle ones were often overlooked. In the patriarchal countryside, our family is all girls, and when I was a child, my grandmother bent her little feet in every corner of the house, or scolded the hen for not laying eggs, or scolded the pig in the pen for not even getting a pig, and when my mother couldn't listen to it, the two of them would quarrel, and my sister and I always shrank in the corner of the door, trembling with fear from the sound of smashing plates and bowls from time to time. Grandma was also in a good mood, and every time my aunt's two sons came to the house, my grandmother would show a kind smile that I thought she didn't have at all, and she seemed very happy. Even at this time, a few of us were still restrained, and we didn't dare to fight with our cousins for anything, because we must have been beaten.
Now that I think back to my childhood, I seriously suspect that I actually sent it with a phone bill, oh no, there was no ** at all, and the first ** in our family was the one I helped my family install when I grew up. Then I may have been picked up by my father when the big river behind the house was flooded in the summer, as my mother said. That's why I never had a sense of ritual that belonged to me, yes, it always was. Including birthdays, marriages and divorces, all of them were done quietly without waves. I have always been superfluous, so redundant that I myself recognize that I am superfluous, do not refute or resist, just like a punctuation mark can be with or without.
I also have times when I need to be remembered, such as yesterday, the eldest sister said that it was going to be the New Year, and our sisters invited my aunt and the whole family to join us for the New Year. During the meal, my aunt said that only the eldest remembered to call us to have a good time, and my cousin and cousin took turns to toast the eldest sister and thank her for thinking so thoughtfully. I sat at the table and was ignored the whole time, I knew that all of them were on guard, afraid that I would sell them to them, so I simply closed my mouth consciously, like the plastic ornament in the middle of the table, the pestle is complete here.
After eating, it was time to perform Sichuan mahjong, and I was about to leave, only to find that I was suddenly extremely needed, because if I left, I would be missing one, and I was surrounded in the middle and accused of how rude, how unwanted, and how ignorant I was to leave at this time. Suddenly being retained by such hospitality, I couldn't find the north all of a sudden, and when I lost more than a touch of mahjong, everything returned to the way it was, I really wanted to smoke myself. Gray sat on the subway home, and the bill was sent to the group, one thousand eight at noon, five hundred and six at night, and four hundred and five for a cigarette, so the cost of each person in the sister group was seven hundred and two and five. Once the transfer is complete, the day should be over.
Nothing will change tomorrow, and I will never be loved.
Is this the truth? Am I wrong? Or am I right, that's the truth.