Pleasing others is the hardest way to go!In my counseling work over the past few years, I have met many, many clients with a "pleasing personality":In order to please my roommates, I kept suppressing myself, and finally got depression, but I was isolated by them, and the key is that now I still take the initiative to greet them, and people don't care. ”
I am a typical people-pleasing personality, obeying orders, wronging myself, very tired, until one work, I was arranged to a place where interpersonal relationships are more complicated, I want to let my colleagues cooperate, I also buy milk tea, please them, but they think I am a bully, refuse to cooperate, and report me, slamming the door ......”
I am 30 years old this year, and every time I change jobs, I will encounter the same difficulties, I dare not offend people every time, and it is rare to refute others once, and afterwards I will be immersed in this kind of self-blame and guilt for several days, and the internal friction is serious. As a result, I really want to learn but can't learn anything, which is too painful. ”
Influenced by the original family, I have a very low self-esteem in my bones, as long as someone is a little better to me, I can't wait to give my heart to others. Wronged himself, fulfilled others, very sensitive, very afraid that others will be unhappy and uncomfortable. It's too much, and I really hate my people-pleasing personality. “
Over the years, I've developed a people-pleasing personality, I want to satisfy everyone, and in order for everyone to like me, I go and sit on things I used to dislike, and say things that don't go right. Later, I got bored with myself. There were several nights when I secretly cried because I became my least favorite look. ”
These scenes also came up a lot in my life before I turned 30:
Don't dare to refuse others, fear of hurting others, respond to others' requests, always be cautious with others;
has no opinions, does not dare to maintain their own boundaries, loses their own principles and bottom lines, and also loses themselves;
Always overpaying, sacrificing their own interests, to satisfy others, expecting to be recognized and liked by others
Insecure, low self-esteem, low self-worth, very concerned about what others think, trying to please everyone;
I am afraid of making others unhappy, thinking that if others are unhappy, they must have said something wrong or done something wrong;
These made my past self very hard and tired, and I was always trapped by a sense of nothingness in my heart.
This is the psychological "pleasing personality".
Desperately squeezing yourself to meet the demands of others,This stems from a deep inner need to gain recognition, love, and a sense of belonging by pleasing others.
But this is not "pleased".
When we expect to gain the love of others by pleasing them, the more they don't take us seriously, the less they know how to respect us, and our efforts become worthless.
Moreover, when others are accustomed to our excessive giving and please, as long as we do not satisfy them a little, it will attract their dissatisfaction, complaints, and jealousy, and in the end, they will not be able to escape the ending of "fighting Mien and promoting Mi hatred".
Most of this "pleasing personality" is brought about by the family of origin.
Parents are very strict, will not affirm and approve of the child, constantly suppress, criticize and blame the child, the child has been subjected to "captive" education since childhood, thinking that as long as "obedient" and "sensible", he can become a "good child" in the mouth of his parents, resulting in the child's character is very inferior, insecure, lack of self-worth, and always thinks that he is "not good enough" and "not worthy of love".
So I am very afraid that my parents will be angry, for fear that my parents will not like me, and I am always cautious, so I desperately suppress my real needs and feelings to meet the requirements of my parents, make my parents happy and satisfied, and think that in this way, my parents will recognize and affirm myself.
These children, who have been very well-behaved since childhood, also feel that as long as they please others as much as they please their parents, they think that others will like them as much as their parents.
It wasn't until I was 30 years old that I gradually discovered that this logic was full of loopholes.
Living under the expectations of others, we can only live the version of others, not our own.
When we are constantly seeking the approval of others and satisfying the needs of others, we are actually living for others, not for ourselves.
In this mode of life, our ego, personality, interests, passions, and values are suppressed or ignored because they do not match the needs and expectations of others, and we become accustomed to alienating ourselves from our true thoughts and feelings, even forgetting what we really want.
Whenever you try to win someone else's like, you lose your power in that moment.
True strength comes from self-knowledge, self-acceptance, and inner firmness.
When we rely too much on other people's evaluations and preferences to define ourselves, we become internally unstable and easily disturbed by the outside world.
At this time, our decisions and ideas will no longer listen to the true voice of our hearts, but through the observation of words and colors, to ** the reactions of others, to adapt to the expectations of others, at this time, the self that is liked by others covers the real self, which is essentially a kind of self-abandonment.
How can this mentality be changed?
You don't have to live in someone else's framework, your inner world is bigger than anyone could have expected.
Everyone is a unique being, with their own thoughts, emotions, dreams and values, and we don't have to live in other people's mouths and let others define themselves.
Others' expectations are often based on social conventions, cultural backgrounds, or other people's personal experiences and experiences, but these frameworks are their own and not suitable for everyone.
When we try to please others and fit into these frameworks, we ignore or suppress our true interests and desires, and our own vitality gradually shrinks.
We need to be brave enough to step out of our comfort zone and explore the unknown possibilities in our lives and pursue those things that truly make us feel passionate and fulfilling, so that we can live our truest and richest lives, whether or not they meet the expectations of others.
Remember, your worth and meaning are not defined by the evaluations of others, but by your own choices, actions, and true experiences of your heart.
Your worth doesn't depend on whether others like you or not.
Before I was 30, I didn't know my people-pleaser.
At that time, I would not refuse, as long as others asked me for it, I would say yes in seconds, although I would regret it very much later.
Later, I continued to study and think, trying to see the truth and the essence of the problem.
Little by little, I tried to refuse, to stick to my principles, to maintain my own boundaries, and to accumulate one thing after another, and found that not only did things not go badly, but I developed better and better, and I liked myself more and more.
Only when we are no longer swayed by external evaluations and expectations can we start a life that is truly our own.
You are not responsible for other people's emotions and needs.
Everyone has their own emotions and needs, and we cannot, and should not, take responsibility for managing or meeting the emotions and needs of others.
This is not to say that we should be callous or uncaring about others, but rather to know that everyone is responsible for their own feelings and emotions.
This is also an important principle of "topic separation": whose emotions are responsible!
What's my business, what's your business! "You can solve 90% of the world's problems!
It's not about being a better version of yourself, it's about being better yourself.
The purpose of life is not to constantly strive to become a "better person" in the eyes of others, but to express and realize oneself more authentically and completely.
Everyone's life journey is unique, and we need to move away from rigid definitions of success, achievement, and value to focus on our inner feelings and real experiences of life.
This includes listening to your inner voice, being aware, recognizing, and respecting your own needs and desires, and being brave enough to face your true self.
We seek an inner harmony and truth, rather than an idealized self that may never be attained.
The pleasing personality is the best character for tempering people. The pain is tasted alone, and the warmth and coldness of the world are also experienced by one person! Often the time of awakening is also the time of enlightenment.
Life is really long, you have to learn to "please" yourself!
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About the Author:Psychological Counselor |Provide online one-on-one psychological counseling.
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