Text |Donopada
If you encounter someone who doesn't reply to messages, don't bother anymore.
If a person doesn't have time, it's because he doesn't want to schedule it.
If a person is unable to leave, it is because he is unwilling to leave.
If a person makes too many excuses for you, it's because he doesn't care.
Poisonous chicken soup is prepared to cater to victims who are psychologically ill. It quenches thirst, but it is full of poison.
The biggest poison of poisonous chicken soup is its logical twist. Its basic technique is to amplify victimization, provoke opposition of opinions, and take advantage of the onlookers' lack of critical thinking to satisfy their inner needs for inferiority, self-pity, and self-pity.
01 Weak thinking: "I" is passive
This text seems to be bland, but in fact it contains a strong sense of victimization. The translation is: "Since others don't want to deal with me, then I don't have to go up to the chase to pursue it, let it be." ”
This kind of thinking is called weak thinking, also known as giant baby thinking. At its core, it's about waiting, depending, and taking. In this mode of thinking, the ego loses its initiative, like a climbing flower. On the contrary, there is a strong mentality, focusing on self-salvation, focusing on objective facts, and pursuing self-sufficiency.
Interpreting the objective fact that "the other party did not reply to the message" as "the other party deliberately did not reply to my message" is the thinking of the weak. In this relationship, "I" becomes the weak one who passively waits for a response, and worse, "my" emotions depend entirely on the other person's response, and the other party responds and I am happy; The other party didn't reply, and I was hurt.
You may wonder: what is wrong with sending a message as a passive act?
The answer is: whether the other party replies to the message is really not in our control, but whether to give the other party the right to control their emotions is completely up to us.
Strong thinking focuses on the "goal", thinking about what the purpose of sending the message is and what ways to achieve the goal, rather than immersing yourself in the inner drama of self-pity.
02 Victim Thinking: "I" was hurt
The reason why people get stuck in internal friction is because they are troubled by the emotion of "being hurt". And this feeling goes hand in hand with the thinking of the weak. Only in the weak can it be harmed, just as in the grassland only lions can hurt zebras, and vice versa.
"No reply" is an objective fact in itself, and it does us no harm. Interpreting "not replying to messages" as "deliberately snubbing me, ignoring me, and looking down on me" will make you feel hurt.
This is the ABC theory: A stands for triggering event, B stands for perception of event, and C stands for emotional and behavioral responses. In other words, the interpretation of the fact of "not replying to messages" triggers the subsequent behavior of "being hurt" and "breaking off friendship with the other party".
Not everyone is that sensitive to "no reply". Some people may feel hurt, others may feel indifferent, guess that the other person may be busy, or see a message but forget to reply. Obviously, people who hold the latter view are unlikely to conclude that "the other person doesn't care about me" because they didn't reply to the message.
So, is it wrong to feel hurt?
No, it's not that simple.
First, trust your feelings. Denying the feeling of being hurt, or even criticizing yourself for thinking this way is victim psychology, does not really free yourself from the victim mind, but will lead to deeper self-harm because you do not really understand and respect yourself.
Why do you feel hurt? Because in the past, we have had similar experiences and traumas. For example, parents may punish us in this way, and the mother often says, "If you don't obey again, I don't want you anymore." "This threat can undermine a child's sense of security and make them afraid of being abandoned. And "not replying to messages" essentially activates the trauma of our early years.
Therefore, when the other person does not reply to the message, we feel that we are not valued, we are not welcomed, and we feel hurt, and we are actually copying past experiences, and we need to understand ourselves about this.
Secondly, on the basis of self-understanding, rational thinking and correct self-guidance are also needed. In other words, you can't be automated by your emotions and immersed in the feeling of being hurt, but you have to return to reality and treat the facts as a guest.
Back in the real world, we will find that "I was hurt" is not an objective fact, but only our opinion, and "the other party did not reply to the message" is the truth. This leads to the next topic of thinking: critical thinking.
03 Critical Thinking: Facts or Opinions?
Taking opinions as facts can easily lead us to believe in them, which can lead to a series of fallacies. How can this tendency be corrected? The way to do this is to ask a few more possibilities. For example, if the other party does not reply to the message, there may be several reasons?
The other party hated me and deliberately ignored me.
In this way, the other party told me to "stay away from me".
The other party was too busy to look at his phone at all.
The other party read the message, but had other more urgent things and forgot to reply.
After seeing the message, the other party had the illusion of "I have read it and replied", and mistakenly thought that he had replied.
There can be multiple reasons behind a phenomenon, but we tend to take one of them as a fact. And under this unproven "assumption", a series of decisions and actions are made. The essence of dialectical thinking is a kind of rational thinking, getting rid of the trap of feeling, breaking free from the shackles of past experience, and thinking about problems in a more rational way. There are 7 levels of critical thinking, but the first one is "cognitive humility", which is commonly known as the "empty cup mentality".
Acknowledge your limitations, understand that you are not omniscient, and not trust your own judgment too much. This sentence is simple to say, but it actually requires a long and deliberate practice.
You may ask, what if I am convinced that the other person deliberately did not reply to my message? Am I still hurt?
Here, you need a fourth type of thinking**: active thinking – no one can really hurt me but myself.
04 Active Thinking: No one can really hurt me but myself.
Say it three times: No one can really hurt me but myself.
A metaphor can help with understanding. If the other party maliciously throws a bag of dirty garbage at you, how can you not get hurt?
The answer is, no. No matter how the other person throws it or how dirty the garbage is, as long as you don't take it with your hands, the garbage can't pollute you.
You may say: I don't answer, but what if the other party smashes it accurately? I'm still going to get dirty with garbage, right?
The answer is: in a real scenario, it is possible, but on a psychological level, it is not possible.
On the psychological level, you are hurt by the other party because you have your own "hook", and as soon as the other party throws it, you will be hit, and when your "hook" hooks the other party's malice, the harm will happen.
What is a hook? It's the old wounds of our past experiences, the wounds of our hearts that haven't really healed. So, in the moment, the problem is not that the "no-message" itself hurts you, but that your old wounds are retriggered, creating a sense of distress.
This "hook" is a bit like the human immune system. If the immunity is weak, it is easy to be infected by the virus; On the other hand, if you have strong immunity, you will not be able to get sick easily even if you have a virus. Immunity at the psychological level is the security at the bottom. A person who was adequately cared for as a child has a relatively less hurtful interpretation of other people's behaviors, while someone who is insecure and often ignored is more likely to feel "hurt again."
To solve this problem, you need to step back step by step, free yourself from your safe shell, constantly contact with the real world, clarify the malicious intentions of the other party, change your perception of the past, and open new doors with new experiences and cognitions.
Only by establishing a "relationship" can we ** past the wounds in the relationship.
Therefore, there is only one kind of psychological harm in nature – the harm really happens when you accept the other person's garbage. No one else can really hurt you unless you allow it.
As long as you respect yourself, you don't need to care if others respect you, as long as you accept yourself, you don't need to care if others like you, as long as you dignity yourself, you don't need to care if others are arrogant to you, maybe you will ask: Isn't this a kind of self-comfort to escape from reality?
First of all, it's not self-soothing. Because through verbal self-hypnosis, deep-seated beliefs cannot be changed. Self-esteem, self-acceptance, and self-reconciliation are lessons that require lifelong practice.
Secondly, there is no contradiction between not putting oneself in the position of a victim and taking the necessary actions to protect one's interests and borders, both can be done at the same time.
When the other party does not reply to messages, if you can avoid falling into the role of victims, avoid self-pity and anger and grievances, and maintain emotional stability, you can communicate with the other party more rationally and clarify the real reason for not replying to messages.
If the other person deliberately doesn't reply, you can try other methods to achieve your goal. For example, if you're messaging for help and the person doesn't want to help, are there any other ways you can get help? If it's a communication problem in a relationship, you need to clarify if there is a misunderstanding or estrangement. If the other person is using cold violence, you can take the initiative to retract your feelings. A person who doesn't even have the courage to say "break up" is not worthy of being your partner. In any case, the initiative is yours.
When a person has a full sense of autonomy, the ability to make active choices, and a self-responsible attitude, there is a high probability that they will not easily feel "hurt".
Written at the end] With a person with a different personality, there is really no need to force a good relationship. However, the premise is not to feel aggrieved as a victim and not to escape to the safety of a self-enclosed world because you have been hurt. Instead, be open-minded, take the initiative to connect with others, clarify misunderstandings, solve problems, and actively screen people who are worthy of association.
Convinced that you are your own master, poisonous chicken soup will not be effective.
Don't let the poisonous chicken soup that stirs up feelings of self-pity affect you, don't be a person who avoids reality, but raise the sails and become a free person who takes the initiative to hold power.