In the Theses on Feuerbach it is pointed outFeuerbach reduced the essence of religion to the essence of man. However, the essence of man is not an abstraction inherent in a single person, but in its reality, it is the sum total of all social relations. ”That is to sayWe live in society, as if we live in a huge network of relationships, and we have all kinds of relationships with others, such as family relations, political relations, production relations, and so on. Even if we want to maintain our independence, we are trapped in various relationships. Too many relationships will inevitably bring trouble, the younger daughter-in-law of the sister-in-law you don't know comes to you for help, the parents of the child's classmates come to you for help, and the cousin of a colleague comes to you for help, the relationship is not far or close, and the help is not too big or small, such a relationship is very common between the previous generation, and this generation of young people does not like it. The rules of survival for young people today are:If you can not trouble others, you will not trouble others. So why do we hate bothering people so much?
Behind the trouble is the lack of a sense of boundaries
"Are you there, brother?”This sentence is definitely a sentence that can make people see that they will go into cardiac arrest. It is said that I am most afraid of my friend's sudden concern. Friends who haven't been in touch for a long time suddenly take the initiative to contact, then it will inevitably mean that something is going to trouble you. Popular questions in Zhihu".A former colleague who hasn't been in touch for a long time sent a message Brother, are you there?How do I reply?”Below, there is a highly praised answer: @知乎 Brother Cui Wenbin, are you there?Can you lend me some money and pay you back in a few days? I'm getting married next month. Can you do me a favor? You've made that plan before, give me a copy. Can you help me with a back tune?Introduce me to that customer in your hand. Real brothers don't go untouched for a long time, and sudden brothers often have something to ask for.
X-chan doesn't think that's the reason why most people hate this sentence. Today's young people have a strong sense of boundaries. Different boundaries are drawn for different people, and what we hate is not the trouble of friends, or the trouble requests of friends who are not familiar with or have not been in touch for a long time. Because for us, crossing the border. This sense of boundaries allows us to be sensitive to our own and others' boundaries, needs, and appropriate behaviors in our relationships. A person with a good sense of boundaries is able to clearly distinguish their own needs, emotions, rights, and behaviors from others, and is able to respect the boundaries of others and avoid excessive intrusion or neglect of others' needs. The underlying logic of "I hate to trouble people" is "I hope you don't bother me either". Only in this way will clear boundaries be maintained, allowing individuals to maintain independence in interpersonal relationships, balancing their own needs with those of others, and building healthy interpersonal relationships.
"Can't stand it" mentality
As much as we all hate to trouble others, most of us define this type of trouble as "the need to take up time, energy, resources, etc." In fact, in most cases, such troubles are also based on the fact that they cannot solve them, and they are forced to open up to others. However, X-chan saw an interesting post on the Internet the other day about how introverted people are afraid of bothering others. @两三杯可乐我有多怕麻烦别人呢. So, I even wash my hair at the barbershop. When the clerk held my head, I would secretly exert myself, for fear of tiring others. @启演rj上次做美甲那个磨头把我手指边缘都磨破了我还是没好意思说. @时过影往十几岁时坐车不敢跟司机说下车, I sat down with the others, and then walked back, and it was quite uncomfortable at the time, blaming myself for being so useless. It's still not good to be introverted enough to affect your life.
Many people blame this fear of troublesome others on the introverted personality, but in fact, in addition to personality reasons, there is also a very important reason for the influence of the original family. In psychology,We often think that people's personality and behavior patterns are largely influenced by their family of origin. If a person's needs in childhood are not met or they experience rejection or neglect when asking for help, this can lead them to develop a "can't stand" mentality. The formation of this mindset can be traced back to two main psychological mechanisms:Feelings of self-denial and guilt. When a child raises a need but is rejected or ignored, they begin to feel that their needs are unimportant or that they don't deserve to be met. This self-denial mindset can cause them to become hesitant in the face of a need in the future or even avoid raising it because they are afraid of being rejected again or not being valued. On the other handIf parents emphasize their own efforts while meeting their children's needs, children will feel a deep sense of guilt. Feelings of guilt can cause them to ask as little as possible in order to avoid more guilt, and may even avoid asking for help altogether. Both of these mindsets can affect a person's ability to handle needs and ask for help in adulthood. For those who suffer from the psychological distress of "can't afford it", it may be difficult for them to express their needs or feel uneasy when others offer help. This uneasiness may stem from fear of rejection and disappointment, as well as guilt and self-blame for bothering others. So,Behind the fear of bothering others can also be a lack of self-approval, thinking, "I don't deserve to be cared for." ”
Fear of rejection
Many people are afraid of trouble, but they are also afraid of rejection. We often talk about how to say no to people, because it's hard to say no to someone, but it's also hard for a lot of people to talk to someone. Because speaking up means that there is a possibility of rejection, but for people with a high sensitivity to rejection, rejection is a difficult thing to accept. In addition, the experience of rejection in the past can also make it more difficult for them to speak to others. Rejection sensitivity refers to an individual's tendency to anxiously anticipate, perceive readiness, and overreact to rejection. In daily life, when people are rejected by others, different people often react to the rejection to different degrees, some people may understand and deal with such events well, while others will have excessive emotional and behavioral reactions to the rejection of others, and even perceive the ambiguous behavior of others as rejection, thus affecting interpersonal communication. Manifestations of rejection sensitivity are usually:1.It is easy to detect rejection signals: The individual's information processing process is distorted by the rejection sensitivity as a hostile and defensive motivational system, resulting in over-alertness and negative expectations of rejection cues in individuals with high rejection sensitivity. 2.Obvious social anxiety: The anxious expectation of rejection in people with high rejection sensitivity is often accompanied by anger or anxiety, so that they are more likely to show aggressive behavior or withdrawal reactions, which further deteriorates the psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships of people with high rejection sensitivity. 3.Difficulties in establishing and maintaining intimate relationships: People with higher rejection sensitivity are more likely to show negative emotions such as dissatisfaction, jealousy, and control over the other person.
As a result, people with a higher sensitivity to rejection may lead to overreaction and anxiety, as well as interfere with normal life and interpersonal interactions. In addition to some innate sensitivities due to neurotransmitter imbalances in the brain, hormone levels, genetics, and other factors, there is a strong link between the family of origin and rejection sensitivity. If the family of origin environment is rife with coldness, neglect, or conflict, the individual may lack love and support and become more sensitive to rejection. In this environment, individuals may have learned to hide their emotions or become overly dependent on the approval and praise of others. Emotional support and understanding from parents is essential for the development of an individual. If parents are insensitive to their child's needs and emotions, or if they are overprotective of their child, it may make the child sensitive to rejection. For example, parents may prevent their child from interacting normally with peers, causing the child to be overly alert and anxious in social situations. If a child has suffered abandonment, neglect or unreasonable expectations from his parents in his or her family of origin, he may develop personality traits such as low self-esteem, anxiety or sensitivity. This experience may make him overly sensitive to rejection, always worrying about being rejected or not recognized by others. In adulthood, he may have difficulty forming intimate relationships or trusting others, leading to difficulties in interpersonal communication.
The right amount of trouble will close the distance
In fact, you don't have to beat others to death with a stick when it comes to trouble. We often think that bothering others will destroy interpersonal relationships, but in fact, if you think about it, in the group we have lived in in the past, whether it is in the dormitory, in the class or in the company, there will always be someone who is extremely dislike to trouble others, and such people are often difficult to get close to others. When you think back to him, there are very few memories of him other than about "he doesn't like to trouble people". Rockefeller, an American business tycoon, once encouraged his son in a letter: "Among the rich people I know or know, there are very few people who only rely on their own little by little and accumulate money day by day, and they all get rich by borrowing money. The truth in this is not profound, a dollar of trading can never be more profitable than a hundred dollars. Taiwan's billionaire Chen Yongtai also said: "Smart people use the strength of others to achieve their goals." ”Trouble others appropriately will not only solve problems quickly, but also quickly build your own network, even the Monkey King in Journey to the West, who has great powers, often moves to various immortals to help when he encounters difficulties, not to mention us. Don't be afraid to trouble others, there are problems that are difficult to solve, and it is normal to need to seek help from others, the key is to grasp the sense of boundaries. First of all, if you can't solve the problem of bothering others and have to open your mouth, rather than asking others for help in order to save trouble, you can solve it yourself, and no one will be happy to trouble in this situation. For example, if you ask your roommate to bring food or courier, you can do it once or twice, but if you ask your roommate to help bring it every time, then even if you don't say it, you will feel uncomfortable. SecondlyIt is necessary to pay attention to who to ask for help, if it is a friend who has not been in touch for a long time to ask others to help, then it must be unhappy, but if it is a friend who has a good relationship and asks for help, presumably as long as it is within the scope of ability, it will be able to help. Whether or not you should trouble others is not a difficult problem to solve. What really needs to be focused on how we connect with others through mutually beneficial interactions, and how to properly grasp the proportions and boundaries within them. So did your family of origin cause you some childhood shadows?Enter the [Solution X] applet to take a look at this test [Free].
Write at the endIt is in the process that you seek my help and I ask you for help that gradually grows stronger. So don't be afraid to ask for help from others, after all, as members of society, we can't be isolated from the crowd. references:———1]ge zishan,good relationships come out of trouble,northern literature and art publishing house,2019Author: Bert KenniniTypesetting: Berg Kennini