Consulted: The child's mother.
Child's age: 25 years old.
Expert teacher: Teacher Yu Hua and his team.
Introduction: The child is 25 years old this year, complains about life every day, and is miserable as soon as he goes to work; Don't communicate with your parents, don't eat, don't take a bath; Hostile parents.
"My son is 25 years old and always treats me and his dad as enemies, shouting and hating us. I don't know what I did in my last life, and I let my own son hate me so much.
Yu Hua, a psychological counselor, recently received such a case.
The consultant is Ms. Zhang (pseudonym) from Shanghai, who always wanted to cry when she first met Teacher Yu Hua.
Xiao Liang (pseudonym), a young man from Shanghai, is 25 years old this year.
At the beginning of this year, Xiao Liang met a girl who claimed to be studying in Germany on the Internet, and the two chatted very speculatively.
But Xiaoliang's mother, Ms. Zhang, kept blocking it, and Xiaoliang, who was rejected continuously, gradually collapsed and began to complain and hate his parents.
What makes Ms. Zhang even more troublesome is that Xiaoliang is becoming more and more decadent, complaining about the general environment every day, disgusting his work, skipping meals at noon, lying in bed all the time after work, refusing to even move, and his personal hygiene is also very sloppy, and he even takes a shower only once a month.
Ms. Zhang never imagined that her son was 25 years old and still so rebellious and difficult to manage, and Ms. Zhang, who had been deeply troubled by anxiety, confusion and helplessness, found Button Family Education for help.
Now, with the help of Ms. Yu Hua, Ms. Zhang has become calm and wise, and what is even more surprising is that since Ms. Zhang changed her attitude, her son also seems to have changed as a person, no longer complaining about others, no longer hating his parents, and with internal drive, the whole person has become confident and cheerful.
What kind of tricks did Teacher Yu Hua teach Ms. Zhang to make the 25-year-old Xiaoliang let go of his hatred and restart his life? Let's take a look at the story of Ms. Zhang's family.
The pennant given by Xiaoliang's family to Mr. Yu Hua.
Sluggish Xiao Liang
From childhood to adulthood, Ms. Zhang's requirements for Xiaoliang areAs long as you study hard, you don't have to do anything else.
Therefore, he never touched his hands in household chores such as washing dishes, mopping floors, washing clothes, etc., even if it was taking out the trash.
Xiaoliang, who grew up in his mother's arrangement, can't do housework at home, doesn't know how to integrate into his classmates at school, and can't solve various situations in his studies and life.
He has the aura of a "scholar", but his ability to survive is a mess.
But Xiaoliang is the perfect child in Ms. Zhang's eyes, because Xiaoliang is very obedient, Ms. Zhang gives her son 300 yuan of pocket money every week, he either buys extracurricular books, or participates in various tutoring classes, and never spends money indiscriminately.
Xiaoliang also did what his parents wished, from elementary school to high school, his academic performance has always been among the best in school.
During the college entrance examination, Xiao Liang also took the exam very well, and under the strong requirements of his mother, Xiao Liang applied for a major that he didn't like.
After graduating from university, Xiaoliang joined a foreign company under the arrangement of his mother.
But what people didn't expect was that Xiao Liang seemed to have changed since he worked.
is no longer as well-behaved as before, and he is no longer as obedient to his mother as he used to be.
Always not active at work, often lose his temper with his parents for no reason.
Later, Xiao Liang began to pay attention to his image. One meter nine, 260 pounds of Xiao Liang began to diet and exercise, and in a year, Xiao Liang lost weight from 260 pounds to 160 pounds.
Ms. Zhang realized that something was wrong with her son, and under the "torture to extract a confession", Xiaoliang finally told the truth.
It turned out that Xiao Liang met a girl on a certain ***, the two were of similar age and like-minded, and soon, the two confirmed their relationship.
After confirming the relationship, Xiao Liang proposed to meet, but the girl claimed to be in Germany and kept inducing Xiao Liang to go to Germany to find her. Xiao Liang, who was carried away by love, didn't care about anything else anymore and promised the girl to come to her in a year.
In this way, Xiaoliang started the road of **, just to meet the girl in the best state a year later.
Xiaoliang did not tell his mother about his plan to go to Germany, and after Ms. Zhang found out about her son's abnormality, she learned the news that she was going to Germany.
The child who has never left home since he was a child went to Germany for a girl he didn't know.
Ms. Zhang was so angry with Xiao Liang that she didn't choose to speak
What kind of ecstasy soup did that little girl give you, you have to go to Germany? If you dare to go to Germany, don't recognize me as a mother! Don't come back for the rest of your life, and don't come back if I die! ”
It was from this time that Ms. Zhang began to check Xiaoliang*** every day to see Xiaoliang's words and deeds.
Under Ms. Zhang's strong obstruction, Xiaoliang broke up with the girl.
After the breakup, Xiaoliang's whole person became sluggish, and he didn't like to move after workShut yourself in your room and don't go out, don't eat dinner with your family, and order takeout by yourself.
Xiao Liang is more and more free to himself,Overeating, I can't take a shower for several weeks, and my weight is even greaterIt jumped from 160 pounds to 215 pounds, suffered from it at a young ageHigh blood pressure
Other than that, Xiao LiangThe relationship with his parents also fell to a freezing point, although not to the extent of not speaking at all, but the attitude is not as gentle as before, always a cold look, and after saying a word or two, he begins to be anxious.
Seeing her son messing around all day long, Ms. Zhang was anxious in her eyes, and after many understandings, Ms. Zhang found Yu Hua, a teacher from a psychological counseling agency, to help Xiaoliang get out of despair.
Find out why your child is having problems
The absence of his father constitutes Xiaoliang's fragile and inferior character
Xiaoliang's father works in a foreign company and often goes out, so he has very little company for Xiaoliang.
From childhood to adulthood, Xiao Liang always cried and asked his mother for help no matter what difficulties he encountered, and his mother could not replace his father to give Xiao Liang a sense of strength.
There is no strong "helmsman" around him,Being swallowed up by a deep sense of "powerlessness", which leads to timidity, low self-esteem, and fear of failure.
When encountering difficulties, I don't know how to break through myself, let alone explore the world.
Xiao Liang, who has not been accompanied by his father since he was a child, is like a tree without roots, becoming fragile and shaky.
Mother's control made Xiaoliang's internal drive insufficient
Xiaoliang, who is under the control of Ms. Zhang, only needs to be obedient and obedient, lacks the opportunity to do things independently and self-manage, and once he does something that does not meet Ms. Zhang's requirements, he will be criticized"Let you listen to me! "You just can't do it without me. ”
Over time, Xiaoliang's independent ability was not exercisedIn the mother's denial, I feel more and more incompetent, and I have an inferiority complex.
Ms. Zhang's pervasive interference and arrangement made Xiaoliang grow up without thinking and making his own choices and decisions.
Therefore, when he grew up, he lacked the ability to judge, could not distinguish between right and wrong, could not make up his mind when encountering problems, and had no opinions.
Stubborn, sensitive, and poor emotional management skills
When the love of parents is strongly bound, the child will only feel a heavy burden.
No matter how big or small, the all-encompassing arrangement seems to be good for the child, but in fact, the child will feel very tired, like being imprisoned by a pair of shackles.
As a human being, one of the most important psychological needs is a sense of autonomy: the feeling that you can decide something.
And Xiaoliang, who lives under control,Autonomy is denied, on the surface obedient, but in fact the heart is very depressed, accumulating a lot of angry emotions, hiding the rebellious side in his heart.
Gradually, Xiaoliang formed a stubborn character, insisting on his own approach in some things and not listening to other people's advice.
Psychologically, he feels that compromising with others is admitting that he can't do it, resisting the control of his parents with stubbornness and keeping his autonomy, and is used to expressing his dissatisfaction with tantrums and anger.
One-on-one professional instruction
After Ms. Yu Hua helped Ms. Zhang realize the shortcomings of her education style, she began to provide one-on-one guidance to Ms. Zhang from a professional perspective.
Empathetic communication is the beginning of improving the parent-child relationship
Children are small trees, families are soil, and only when the soil of the family is fertile, can children grow up healthilyTeacher Yu Hua helped Ms. Zhang realize that her cognition of family education was wrong, and it was influenced by her original family, social fragmentation, and the emotions of the educated.
Only by changing the perception can we move on to the next step.
Under the guidance of Teacher Yu Hua, Ms. Zhang owned[Emotional self-awareness].ability, she also learned [Draw your inner selfto see the essence of the event behind the emotion.
Teacher Yu Hua also taught Ms. Zhang to learn empathyThat is, "I see what you are struggling with, and then I will help you solve the problem".。If you say to a shy and introverted child, "Son, go socialize", it will be difficult for him to do it.
The point of empathetic communication is to understand your child's difficulties.
When you put yourself in your child's shoes to experience his feelings, he will naturally feel your care and understanding.
In this way of communication, the parent-child relationship will not only be more harmonious, but the child will also make great strides forward in trust and understanding.
Empowering communication allows children to gain a sense of self-efficacy
Teacher Yu Hua taught Ms. Zhang to observe the child's every move with appreciation, not just blindly and generally, "You did a great job", but toLeave the praise on specific actions, for example,"Son, it's really great that you went to work for another day. ”
Empowering communication will allow children to learn to affirm themselves and build stable self-confidence and self-efficacy.
In addition, Teacher Yu Hua also taught Ms. Zhang six taboos for communicating with children:
Don't preach, refuse to listen less and talk more, listen more and talk less.
Don't invade your child's privacy.
Don't be judgmental.
Don't care too much.
Don't have double standards.
Don't deny your child the right way to take risks (with the right guidance).
Guided communication gives children a sense of worth
If you want to raise a confident and capable child, parents may wish to change the tone of command and demand, and instead use guided communication.
For example, in life, children are often asked these 3 questions:
1."What can you do about this? ”
Allow your child to have a variety of ideas, whether they are naïve or mature, you can work with your child, and don't rush to criticize.
2."What choice would you make? ”
After reasonable guidance, the child will roughly foresee the consequences in his heart, and at this time, the child is still firm in his choice, then parents should respect the child's choice and let the child learn to be responsible for his choice.
3."How do you want me to help you? ”
When children ask their parents for help, parents should show support, and if the child wants to rely on their own ability to solve, parents should also agree, which is conducive to improving the child's problem-solving ability.
Only by respecting children and giving them the right to choose can they get more opportunities for self-expression, become more independent and confident, and strengthen their ability to resist pressure and frustration.
Changes in the family
After the intervention, Ms. Zhang was no longer anxious, changed the wrong way of education in the past, and established effective communication with Xiaoliang.
And Xiaoliang gradually came out of the emotion of falling out of love, regained his confidence in life, and even his high blood pressure was alleviated a lot.
Now he understands his parents' hard work and is no longer hostile to his parents.
Button homeschooling said
In the name of love, parents control their children's choices and development, and want to create a "perfect life" for their children, but in fact, they deprive their children of the right to choose, and that kind of life is the last thing they want for their children.
A very important aspect of being a good parent is to learn to overcome your desire to control, grasp the boundaries between parents and children, and guide your child to independence, self-management, and live his own life.