2. Defect to the panda
The house is on the ground floor, more than 20 square meters, with a bathroom, and an old TV. It is worth mentioning the bathroom toilet, I don't know which bastard invented the toilet, it makes me suffer when I shit, and when I say it, I may be laughed at by comrades and people in the city, but excretion as one of the physiological characteristics has to be mentioned: when the shit is full, no matter how hard I try to sit on the toilet, I can only pull half of it, and the whole process makes me experience that it is not easy for a woman to conceive a baby in October, and it is even more difficult to give birth to a child. It's quiet during the day, except for the night - the second floor is full of ** misses, who will go in and out after 12 o'clock in the evening, forgetting the key to stand outside the door and shouting the sharp voice of the landlord, the sound of drunk nonsense in the middle of the night comes from time to time, it is said that most of the people in this neighborhood live in the warbler who sells human flesh. The greatest thing about the 21st century is that the popularization of three things dwarfs the nine-year compulsory education, namely computers, mobile phones, and misses. Internet cafes bloomed everywhere overnight, everyone wore mobile phones, and young ladies were everywhere.
Panda said that the rent of this house is 500 yuan a month, and the number of houses in the urban area is the cheapest. After arriving here, I realized how high the consumption is, a bowl of rice covered with a few potato chips, a few stars of diced beef that can be sandwiched with chopsticks is called "potato beef rice bowl", not delicious or not full of 7 yuan.
Panda is one of the few friends I often contact in junior high school, came here seven years ago, from the initial monthly salary of 400 to get a driver's license a year ago, because of the short time can not get a service card, half a year ago I got a fake license and began to secretly open a rental. During the day, I was afraid of inspections, so I drove the night train all the time, went to work at 3 p.m., and got off work around 3 a.m. We haven't seen each other in seven years, and we've never been in touch. It's been too long, and sometimes I can't remember his real name all at once, but I remember his nickname clearly.
When I came out of the train station, I only had 5 copper plates left in my pocket, and when I looked up, I saw a black and thin panda waving at me.
Soft rice is not delicious, and hard rice is coming. ”
Get in the car and shout. He helped me pack it in the trunk and said, "You can rest assured that you won't go hungry." (At that time, I didn't know that the consumption here was so high, and I didn't know that his father scolded him when he learned that he had such an idler in the house, and I didn't know that my cousin who opened a rental with him learned that I was eating and drinking for nothing in the house and writing **, and they all snorted and scolded in their nostrils: I can't support my ancestors because of their ancestors, what kind of bullshit to write**.) Of course, this was all learned when I was about to leave. ）
After the panda took me to the rental room, I fell asleep, and the next day at two o'clock in the afternoon, I took a shower, brushed my teeth, and went to the ramen restaurant with him to eat, and then he went to work, leaving the cigarette money when he left, and I went back to the room, and he came back from work at three o'clock in the morning, and he drove all night, and he said that he was very tired, and he didn't want to say more, and I had nothing to say. The panda fell asleep with its head on the pillow. I couldn't sleep when the lights were turned off, sitting on the ground smoking, sometimes the panda would mumble and bargain with the passengers in his dreams, as if the passengers had given him less than a yuan, and in the intermittent dreams he would not give up, and occasionally he would shout loudly, like a big stone pressing on his chest, making him very uncomfortable and difficult. Listening to him quarrel with passengers for a dollar in a dream, I wanted to laugh, but I couldn't, and I swallowed a cigarette into my throat, and I coughed repeatedly. Maybe I shouldn't have been here in the first place – but do I have a choice?
You are the pest pest ......A voice whispered in my ear over and over again, from light to heavy, and the sound fell into my heart and caused a thunderous echo. Yes, I'm a pest. I blurted out in the dark. I burst out laughing at that moment, and I heard myself let out a hoarse and choked hiss as if I had lost my breath.
Memories are the cruelest thing in the world to me, it is more unsustainable than my lack of talent pen (I am not modest, the son of a son of a dog is humble, I never considered modesty a virtue), but I must continue, I wanted to bury this memory, the humiliation it brought to me made my whole body tremble at the slightest thought, I couldn't help but hysterical and crazy abuse myself, I burned my belly with cigarette butts, smoked my mouth, pulled my hair, and found a little peace in the pain. The process of faithfully recording those days was the second time I belittled myself, and it was also a nightmare to strip the remnants of my self-esteem from my body. But once self-esteem is broken, it has no meaning and it has no meaning, and it only brings me more damage.
Writing all of this means that I have the last fig leaf off my body and show my ** in public, and I am not a performance artist and I have no hobbies like exhibitionism. Perhaps this experience and my account are more like a farce because of the truth, adding some jokes to others in this age of entertainment to death—in an age where people put death on show, everything is possible, everything is a story for others to see. I came to Panda when I was desperate, and I promised to come to him for a month of "hard rice". After a few days of sleep, the inexplicable anxiety in the bottom of my heart filled every cell, and the depression and panic about the future were like invisible snakes, entwining me out of breath. I know that it was more than a year of frustration and failure that made me lose all my self-confidence, and for the spirit, self-confidence is the bone, and the spirit of losing self-confidence is like having hypochondriasis, and I am stuck on the ground and unable to stand.
How can I be confident? It's been more than a year since I graduated from college, and I live on my girlfriend, family, and friends, how can I be confident? Whether it is soft rice or hard rice, it is difficult to swallow, like a fish in the throat.