Chen Jiru once philosophically elaborated in his book "The Story of a Small Window": "The joy of a short encounter is far less precious than the feeling of being together for a long time without getting bored." ”
In the early years, we always held the notion that the intimacy of interpersonal communication is directly proportional to the depth of emotion, and that the closer we are to each other, the stronger the friendship.
However, as the years go by and the world becomes clearer, we gradually realize that the secret to truly maintaining a relationship is to master the art of getting along with each other that is just right and comfortable.
In the long journey of life, only after experiencing the vicissitudes of life can we deeply realize that sometimes moderate "selfishness", that is, paying attention to one's own space and needs, can make the rhythm of life more comfortable and flexible.
Regardless of other people's idle business
In life, the essence of all kinds of complicated and trivial things we encounter can be summarized into three core categories: the fate of force majeure, the affairs of others, and our own areas of responsibility. Of the three, we can and should only focus on our own affairs, which is our right and our responsibility.
Only by sticking to the consciousness of self-boundaries and respecting the private space of others can interpersonal relationships be harmonious and orderly, and thus create a comfortable and comfortable living atmosphere. Conversely, those who lack a sense of boundaries in their lives will either mess up their own lives or cause endless problems to others.
Recently, in the process of rewatching the classic TV series "The World", I found that the character Qiao Chunyan in the play and Zhou Bingkun's attitude towards life and the way of dealing with interpersonal communication formed a very enlightening contrast.
In the play, Qiao Chunyan, Zhou Bingkun and Catch-up have grown up together since childhood, and they are as close as siblings. Once, catching up with the overtaking accidentally fell into **, almost in prison, at a critical moment, Zhou Bingkun stepped forward and successfully resolved the crisis with the help of his brother Zhou Bingyi.
However, when Qiao Chunyan was faced with the dilemma of the unit repossessing the housing and was extremely resistant in her heart, she directly asked Zhou Bingkun to turn to Zhou Bingyi again, hoping that the unit could take back the decision and keep their residence. Faced with such a request, Zhou Bingkun politely refused.
Unexpectedly, Qiao Chunyan reacted strongly to this, questioning why Zhou Bingkun was willing to help catch up, but stood by when he needed it, and threatened to break off friendship with Bingkun.
This episode vividly reveals the importance of a sense of boundaries based on mutual respect and understanding for human relationships.
At the time of the demolition, Qiao Chunyan tried to use the friendship bond with Zhou Bingkun to ask him to obtain additional real estate allocation for himself through Zhou Bingyi's relationship, but Zhou Bingkun resolutely rejected her excessive demand. In fact, Qiao Chunyan's predicament is not serious enough to cross moral boundaries, but she tries to use her deep friendship for her own personal gain.
In contrast, although Zhou Bingkun maintained a close friendship with Qiao Chunyan, he adhered to the basic principles of being a human being and never interfered in the work affairs of his brother Zhou Bingyi by helping his friends. He knows that no matter how close a relationship is, it is necessary to always maintain due measure and respect, which is an indispensable principle in interpersonal communication.
In real life, characters like Qiao Chunyan are not uncommon, and they often challenge the boundaries between friends, intentionally or unintentionally, with their deep connections. In this regard, the famous writer Zhou Guoping once profoundly pointed out: "In any kind of interpersonal relationship, there is an ultimate boundary that cannot be crossed, and the root of all contradictions and disputes lies in someone trying to break through this boundary." ”
The comfortable and long-lasting way of getting along with friends is essentially an accurate grasp of the sense of proportion. Excessive intimacy and unbounded behavior often breed dislike, make people feel alienated, and then reluctant to go deeper.
On the contrary, those who know how to judge the situation and advance and retreat are well-founded, and do not take a step beyond the thunder pond in action, so that the relationship between them can last as long as a trickle of water.
Therefore, only by maintaining a suitable distance and getting along with each other in moderation can we be comfortable and comfortable in life.
Don't point fingers
Oscar Wilde, the great writer of English literature, once profoundly explained: "It is not selfish to pursue the life you desire, but to force others to live according to their own wishes." Chew on this and see the truth.
Everyone carries their own life trajectory, so why should we expect others to follow their own pace? Forcibly leading others into one's own life track is not only easy to provoke conflicts, but also invisibly alienates the emotional bond between the two parties.
The famous writer Han Songluo once shared a vivid story. The protagonist of the story is one of his best friends, called Lao Liu, who is alone in the rivers and lakes and has a pottery skill.
In his hands, the most ordinary mud instantly turned decay into magic, and became exquisite works of art. However, Lao Liu did not seek a permanent job, and only relied on a meager rental income to survive, and in Han Songluo's eyes, his friend's life seemed quite hard.
Seeing this scene, Han Songluo was very anxious, he thought that with such outstanding craftsmanship as Lao Liu, he should not be trapped in the dilemma of life.
Therefore, he enthusiastically planned a "way to success" for Lao Liu - suggesting that he lease a pottery kiln, recruit disciples to teach skills, make pottery on a large scale, and use the power of ** to carry out extensive publicity, and even sell works on the platform. Han Song confidently depicts the "bright future" he envisions, firmly believing that as long as he operates on this path, Lao Liu will be able to make money and improve his quality of life.
However, when he looked forward to the future with enthusiasm, he found that Lao Liu was frightened and had no interest in such a life plan.
At first, Han Songluo regarded this as Lao Liu's contentment with the status quo and not wanting to make progress, until a few years later, he suddenly realized: "It turns out that he can choose not to fight and choose to live quietly and low-key, which is also his right and freedom." ”
Han Songluo sincerely cares for his friends and hopes that his friends can live better, but he gradually realizes that everyone's pursuit of an ideal life is different, and each has its own love and preference, which is the true face of life.
There is no absolute superiority or inferiority between the two different concepts of life, just as some people's hearts look to the vast and deep sea, and some people are fascinated by the majestic beauty of the mountains, and their respective paths are the destination of their souls.
In the journey of life, there is no more taboo behavior than to measure the path of others by one's own pace. The same life chapter is not a blueprint for everyone's life, because everyone has the unique right to choose their own way of life.
Some people love the tranquility and leisure of a small town; Others are attracted by the hustle and bustle of the metropolis and the fast-paced life. Some people advocate a simple and simple attitude to life, while others are happy to pursue the fresh excitement of fashion trends.
There are different ideas and lifestyles, so there is no need to force the same pace, the key is to follow your heart and find a balance between satisfaction and comfort.
Broad-minded people often understand the importance of respecting differences, they understand and accept the choices of others, give others comfortable space, and at the same time win freedom for themselves. This kind of wisdom is where the real pattern lies.
Don't please others
In the field of psychology, there is a thought-provoking theory that is vividly summarized as: the "100-1=0" effect. This means that even if you treat someone with kindness countless times, it may still be difficult to leave a deep impression on them, but if you fail to meet their expectations once, those accumulated good efforts can be instantly invisible.
In real life, many people often care too much about what others think, and in the process, they ignore the preciousness of their own feelings. Brother Qing once shared an unforgettable experience that vividly illustrates this.
At that time, when Brother Qing traveled to Hong Kong, in the face of various ** requests from colleagues, although she was resistant in her heart, she finally chose to compromise and agree out of the consideration of maintaining harmonious interpersonal relationships. After arriving in Hong Kong, the task of shopping made her itinerary bear the brunt, and the large bags that were full of them even crowded out the time and space that were originally for sightseeing.
I thought that when my colleagues got the goods they wanted, they would at least show a hint of gratitude. However, this is not the case, and instead of expressing gratitude, they complain that the ** is too high. The experience did not enhance the friendship between the two parties, but instead fostered a subtle estrangement between them.
In our daily lives, we often habitually put the expectations of others in our hearts, and quietly fold and hide our emotions. To avoid conflict, we have cultivated the art of patience; In order to maintain the friendship, we chose selfless fulfillment; I would rather bear the bitterness of life alone, but also play the role of the green leaves of others, but I often dare not bravely say "no".
However, one lesson life has taught us is that not all of us deserve to be pandered to and pleased. Sticking to one's boundaries at the right time and respecting one's feelings is the key to building healthy relationships.
During a dinner with friends, when the cups were staggered and the meal was full of wine, there were still many delicacies left on the table. Mo Yan secretly thought in his heart, how could such a delicacy be wasted, so he decided to continue to indulge in tasting.
At this time, a friend at the banquet mocked him in a playful tone for being too gluttonous, as if he wanted to chew the value of every penny back into his stomach. This sudden sarcasm instantly put Mo Yan in an embarrassing situation, and he made a vow in his heart to reverse this stereotype at the next meeting.
For this reason, before being invited to the banquet again, Mo Yan deliberately filled his stomach in advance, so as to show a calm and slow dining demeanor at the banquet. However, unexpectedly, another friend ridiculed him for being hypocritical and losing his original true self.
In the face of such ridicule, Mo Yan chose to remain silent, and silently eliminated these friends from his social circle afterwards. The world is chaotic, and blindly and unprincipled to cater to others is actually the greatest loss to oneself.
It is important to know that the relationships that you need to maintain carefully are often not worthy of deep friendship. Instead of trying to cater to the wrong people, focus on managing your life and make it shine.
For every sincere enthusiasm, we should be grateful and live up to it; There is no need to be flattering to any indifferent attitude. At the end of the day, we need to live our favorite life and stick to our inner truth and independence.
I once came across a philosophical quote that resonated with me deeply:
In every relationship, the right amount of 'selfishness' is like an invisible force that creates the right space for each other, so as to promote the healthy interaction and development of the relationship. ”
Overly tolerant boundaries tend to condone those who take inches; Being too demanding of others may lead to a drifting relationship between the two parties. And blindly pandering to please others will only wronged the sincere self in the end.
As the years go by, we come to realize more and more the subtle rules of interpersonal communication: "True alienation is often disguised as passion; And the real closeness and enthusiasm are often dressed in a seemingly distant coat. ”
The rest of our lives are long, we might as well appreciate ourselves more and uphold this "selfishness" appropriately, only in this way can we gain insight into the unique charm of life and live a wonderful chapter of life leisurely.