Not long ago, I rewatched the movie "The Shawshank Redemption", in which the elder Bruske is a librarian in prison and has spent most of his life in prison.
Bruske Sr. also longs for freedom at first, but over time he slowly adjusts to prison life and unconsciously depends on prison for survival.
When he was released from prison, he had a nervous breakdown because he left the familiar prison and did not know how to face the free world, and finally chose to die.
The example of the elder Brusk is actually a portrayal of many people in real life.
People are accustomed to living in one mode and become their comfort zone, even in a painful and difficult environment. Because people are familiar with it, there is a sense of control and security.
So, is it that we can't get rid of it, that we can't change it?
Chen Haixian, a psychological counselor at Zhejiang University, made a detailed analysis in the book "The Great Me", and provided a set of effective methods for self-change, which can be achieved in just three steps.
01 The first step is to open up cognition: see the essence of the facts, you actually have a choice
I can't afford to lose this job, my whole family depends on it, I don't have a choice; I can't get a divorce because the kids need me and I don't have a choice; I was miserable and I wanted to change, but I didn't choose ......
We like to play the role of a victim and blame the environment, society, family and past ...... for the problemLet yourself linger in pain in place.
Friend A often complains to us that she doesn't like her current job and wants to quit, but in order to support herself, the 40-year-old has no choice and has to do this job.
In fact, it's not that she doesn't have a choice, there is definitely more than one way to support herself. The real reason is that she is unwilling to take responsibility for herself.
She is reluctant to take risks, afraid of not adapting to the new environment, afraid of hard work, afraid that she will not be able to do ...... wellAll kinds of fears and uneasiness made her prefer to stay in the familiar environment, even if she hated her current job.
Poor health, old age, no skills, friend A always makes all kinds of excuses for himself.
There are always more ways than difficulties, and if you are not in good health, you can improve it through exercise and conditioning; 40 only, don't worry about finding a job, Elon Musk's mother Mayer Musk 60 years old also found a model**?
It takes courage to change, she has a choice, it's just that she doesn't want to change.
The so-called no choice, in fact, you have already made a choice.
Chen Haixian wrote in the book:
When you tell yourself no, you've made a choice; When you stay in a company that satisfies food and clothing and has no future, you have already made a choice; When you procrastinate to avoid work stress, you also make a choice.Instead of whirling around in pain, it is better to make a bold choice and create new possibilities.
02 The second step is change: get out of your comfort zone and start with small steps
The psychological comfort zone is addictive, and it can be as destructive as it can be.
obviously suffered domestic violence, but endured it again and again; Obviously the salary is low, I want to change jobs, but I still go to work; I know that if I continue to do this, I will ruin myself, but I still act the way I ......
To make a change is to step out of your comfort zone, take the first step towards action, and make it happen.
In the book, Chen Haixian recommends a "small step principle".
The principle of small steps "The focus is not on the result, but on the action."
Many times what hinders our actions and makes it difficult for us to change is because the goal is too difficult. It's like telling you not to smoke and drink for a day can be done, but it's hard not to smoke and drink for the rest of your life.
Bill. Wilson was an alcoholic, but he later succeeded in quitting alcohol, founding an organization called the Alcoholics Mutual Rehabilitation Association, which helped 10 million people quit drinking.
The Alcoholics Association has a famous "12-step method" in which the first step is to admit that there is nothing we can do about alcohol.
By acknowledging that we are out of control, we do not focus on the things we can't control, but instead focus on the things we can control.
The association requires members to set a goal of "one day at a time", which means that they do not think that they must quit drinking and never touch alcohol for the rest of their lives, as long as they promise that they can not drink alcohol for 24 hours. Twenty-four hours later, it's a new day.
So, don't aim big but small, focus on the small steps you are doing in front of you and do it well.
If you want to read, don't ask to read 20 pages at once, first admit the fact that you will be sleepy when you read the book, and then let yourself only read 1 page of the book today;
If you want to work out, don't ask for 1 hour of exercise a day, first admit the fact that you don't have enough physical strength, and then let yourself exercise for 10 minutes today;
If you want to keep writing, don't write 1,000 words a day, first admit the fact that your level is limited, and then let yourself write 100 words today.
The benefit of the "small step principle" is to take a small step, get a small success, and provide the impetus for the next action, so as to achieve qualitative change.
03 The third step is to solidify habits: cultivate the environmental field and turn new behaviors into new habits
When we develop a habit, if we don't solidify the new habit for a long time, it will be easy to return to the original psychological comfort zone.
Therefore, we need to use a specific environment to do specific things and stimulate the continuation of behavior, which Chen Haixian calls in the book "environmental field".
The "environmental field" is the assumption of the function of the space in our minds, just like wanting to sleep in the bedroom, wanting to work in the office, and wanting to eat in the living room.
Chen Haixian once knew a girl Xiao Jia who worked in a highly competitive company and needed to learn a lot of things, so she made a lot of study plans for herself, but she always couldn't do it.
Every day when she comes back from work, Xiao Jia cooks first, because she is bored alone, she eats and watches American dramas, watching episode after episode, until she is about to go to bed, she realizes that she is wasting her time.
Why does Xiao Jia know that watching dramas affects learning, but he can't change it day after day?
Quite simply, in Chen Haixian's words, the "field" that Xiao Jia created in his home was relaxation and entertainment, so this place implied a good rest, and naturally he could not take the initiative to study.
If you want to change, you need to set up a place at home that is related to learning.
That's why we usually like to go to the library to read books, because there are many people studying there, the power of the "field" is stronger, and people are easily infected by the atmosphere there and join in.
Chen Haixian said: "'Field' is a person's habit of doing things in a space. The purer and more persistent a person does in a certain space, the greater the power of this spatial field. ”
Therefore, if we want to develop a habit, we must create a fixed "field". In this "environmental field", only doing this or this type of thing, through the accumulation of time, this habit will be solidified.
04 Write at the end
I once heard a saying: "People are most afraid of staying where they are all the time, setting limits on their lives, just like drawing the ground as a prison, and missing more possibilities in vain." ”
If you want to change, but you can't help it, you might as well open this book "The Amazing Me".
The book uses a large number of cases, combined with the personal experience of the author Chen Haixian, to interpret the essence of change in simple terms.
It will help you open up your cognition, achieve behavior change, solidify habits, let you break free from your old shell, live a new self, and achieve a great self.