I am Chinese New Year's Eve years old today, graduated from a college nursing major in 17 years, when I used to study, I felt that the major I didn't want to engage in in the future was nursing, but I didn't expect it to backfire, failed the college entrance examination, obeyed the arrangement at home, chose the nursing major, after graduation because I had no experience in finding a job, I thought that the oral ** and clinical ** were similar, so I just found a dental hospital to work, after going on, I found two **, two majors, but compared to the clinic, I seem to prefer to stay in the dental clinic, So then I didn't look for a job in the clinical profession, then I fell in love after work, then got married, and then had children.
Maybe since childhood, although there is no lack of love, but almost never experienced what it means to be loved, and never communicate with parents, when I was young, I was a left-behind child, and when I was a little older, I was studying outside and playing with my parents, and the most my parents said was: What's the matter? Nothing hangs up. Each call is no more than a minute. It's almost always the case, I envy a friend of mine at the time, she will fight for an hour every time she fights with her mother.
Before high school, my personality was still very social, and people with good grades may be more confident, and they are not afraid to speak, so they are more public.
When I was in high school, I was pretty good in my freshman year of high school, but because when the arts and sciences were divided, our homeroom teacher applied for the dissolution of our class, so all the members of our class were scattered, and in the second year of high school, there was only one male classmate in the same class as me, so my mentality began to change, and I became less talkative, and my personality became more slow.
We all know that if everyone is on the same starting line, it must be easier to communicate, and it must be faster to make friends, because when everyone doesn't know each other, it is the fastest time to make friends, if everyone knows, when you are a stranger, it will be difficult to integrate into the group, it is relatively slow to heat, and others will definitely think that you are not easy to get along with after a long time, so when I was a sophomore in high school, it took me a long time to meet a few friends who could talk, but I didn't expect to be in the third year of high school. Our class was diverted again, and the head teacher applied for disbandment, although this time not all of them were dispersed, but it really had a great impact on people's psychology, gradually, they became less and less like to talk, and people became more and more inferior, and then applied with the teacher to go to school, and lived in the uncle's house, in fact, now I think about it and admire myself, how did I have the courage to live in someone else's house.
Uncle is a **staff, aunt is also a person with a job, their family atmosphere is very serious, very suffocating, so I get out of class every day, I run into my room, at the beginning of the boarding thought that I can read well, study, I didn't expect that in that environment, every day is very depressed, I can't read the book at all, I was crazy obsessed with reading, magazines, at that time, fireworks, seven colors or something is more popular, every time is a magazine to read**, and then go to Xinhua Bookstore to buy the whole book, the grades have declined, It is conceivable that the later learning is not very good, maybe the brain is loaded with ** content, for mathematics these logical things I feel that my brain is filled with paste, I feel that I like mathematics in elementary school, and I can do any problem, but I don't know when it started, mathematics has become a nightmare, and I am gradually afraid of learning, and my grades have not been raised.
At the end of the college entrance examination, I was only admitted to the junior college, when I applied for the volunteer, I reported it at the uncle's house, and no one in the family gave advice, I personally prefer the language, I originally wanted to report and the text related, but the family wanted me to practice medicine, so the uncle said at that time: "If you study medicine, apply for nursing, college students, and it is useless to study clinical." "In fact, I was very resistant at the time, after filling in the volunteer, in fact, I received a volunteer letter from the independent enrollment school, I had filled in the independent enrollment of engineering majors, and the uncle said that there was no need to go to that kind of school, and my parents did not agree with me to go after the notice, so I waited for the college entrance examination notice.
When I went to school later, my parents didn't send it, I went alone, so I went a little late, the last one to the school dormitory, in fact, the school was quite far away, and it was almost more than 20 hours to take the bus, and my personality became more introverted at that time, the dormitory was a ten-person room, and everyone else arrived, and they all got together, so for me, the last to come, and the person who didn't like to talk, for them it was a person who didn't like to talk and didn't get along well.
They are all invisibly isolating me, I remember at the beginning when they went out and pretended to call me together, although they went out together, but they didn't wait for me, in fact, lonely people are the most eager for friends, people with low self-esteem, and the kindness and malice of others are the most felt. I know that they are targeting me, but they pretend to call me, I still go out with them, I remember one time when we went out together, I went to buy a bag, and then lost my wallet, I went to study, my father gave 10,000 yuan, I remember that time I paid the tuition, there were about 4,000 left, and then I bought quilts, military training uniforms, all kinds of daily necessities, maybe more than 3,000, and then I put the whole number into the card, and there were more than 160 change on my body, and the wallet was lost, I felt like I was broken, and they told them that I lost my wallet, my student ID, ID card, and bank card were all in it, and none of them said to go back with me to find itAt that time, I actually wanted to die, because my parents failed to plant notoginseng, and the money was already very tight, my school was at the border, and there was almost no one on the street after nine o'clock in the evening, and I was very scared, and on the way back, a child rushed to me and said, "Give me money!".Give me money!Give me five bucks!"It has been forcing me to retreat, I quickly turned around and ran, and finally arrived at the place where I bought the bag, I was looking for it, the boss said what are you looking for, I said wallet, the boss said do you see if it's that?I saw that it was really my wallet, opened it and looked, the cash in it was gone, fortunately the documents were there, I asked the boss how the wallet was there, the money in it was gone, the boss said how do I know, the wallet has always been there, I don't know if what he said is true or false, but at that time I was very grateful to the thief, just took my money away, my documents are still there, the card is still there, I went to check the money inside, there are more than three thousand, no less. At that time, I really wanted to call someone, but I didn't know who to call for a moment. When I returned to the dormitory, I was crying all the time while lying on the bed, and the dormitory people asked for the wallet and found it, but there was no follow-up.
Later, they went out and stopped calling me, and they stopped calling me for meals and classes, and then began to isolate me in a dormitory, isolated for nearly a year, in fact, that period was the hardest time for me, and I no longer talked to anyone in the dormitory, and went alone every day, I knew that they had built a dormitory group alone, chatted about me in the group, and complained about me, because they would twitter before I entered the door every time, and then talk in a weird way.
I long for friends, but my friends only have a few confidants in junior high school, but because my personality is slowly changing, I have no contact with anyone, I long to be loved, but I play with my parents, and I never hang up in a minute, gradually, I don't like to communicate with people, I don't like to go out, I am very stressed, my aunt is always abnormal, I always don't come to my aunt when I go home, my mother said are you talking about a boyfriend, pregnant. Actually, it was really devastating at the time, my mom didn't care about how I was doing at school, and I haven't told her anything about my life since.
Later, when I went to the internship, I didn't have any money, so I called my sister to give me some money, my sister and I have always had a good relationship, when she didn't talk about a boyfriend, often I had no money, she would give me some, because she had already gone to work.
In fact, it was really not easy to think about myself in those years, psychological problems, all kinds of problems, I never spent a penny indiscriminately, when I was studying, I had to save some money for my little brother every month, and he would ask me for money every month.
After the internship, I went back to school to prepare for the nursing exam, two months, because the school could not live, and roommates shared a house, when the dormitory was isolated, everyone was not salty, and I shared the roommate is my dormitory bunk, at that time my parents seemed to give me money or did not give money, I don't remember, anyway, there is no money to rent a house, I asked my sister for some money, for many years, I don't remember how much, my sister gave it to me, but my sister gave it to me and immediately called my mother** Said how much money was given to me. Then my mother sent me a message saying how much money your sister said to give you, why do you want so much money a day, I was really wronged at the time, how much money do I have? The tuition and living expenses of my first year of study were given by them, the student loan of my tuition loan in the second year, they gave me living expenses, the tuition fee I earned part-time in the moon cake factory by myself, the third year of internship, the student loan of the tuition loan, the living expenses are they give a point, my sister gives a point, I have studied for so many years, I have not bought more than 100 yuan of clothes, the money is enough for living expenses, and I also save six or seven hundred per month for my brother, and I go to train 900 training fees, what money do I have.
After the nursing exam, I went to look for the class, the class found, 17 years, the rent is 551 months, the salary is 2,000 yuan a month, I started to work, I have nothing, I asked my dad for money, he said no, the back transferred 800 yuan to me, the rent has to be charged to pay one, the rent is paid later, I don't even have the money to eat, behind is another college roommate she called her boyfriend borrowed me 300 yuan, at that time I eased up with all the roommates, and the relationship with her was better, Finding a job is with them.
After work, I didn't ask who wanted a penny, of course, my job period is also very short, 17 to 18 years, after a friend introduced, talked about a boyfriend, may not have experienced love, plus ** see too much, easy to fall in love brain, once went to rest boyfriend's house to play, my boyfriend said to send me to work the next day, but he is new to the road, plus rain, navigation guide wrong, to be late for nearly an hour, I asked the boss for leave, because we were a minute late at the time, deducted ten yuan, I thought I'd be so late, I might as well take a leave of absence, a hundred dollars a day. However, asking for leave is the turning point of my life, that day the boss spoke very badly, I went on for more than a year, this time, asked for five leaves, the first time was my grandfather died, the second time my sister got married, the third time my grandmother was hospitalized, the fourth time my girlfriend had a car accident, really before I didn't have a leave for other reasons, the last time to make excuses, so our boss spoke very ugly, I made excuses to leave, in addition to thinking about deducting money, the most important thing is that the doctor I have with the desk asked for leave, I went to work and sit, Dental work is this kind of doctor and an assistant, four-handed operation, the doctor is not there, her assistant has almost nothing to do, but the boss does not forgive, because I ask for leave to deduct my salary, he has been taking my previous leave for example, I exploded instantly, and then scolded him, and finally he said let me do it myself.
That's it, the first job ended without a problem, I wanted to continue looking for a job, but I happened to meet my boyfriend and they wanted to go back to my hometown, and then my boyfriend's sister-in-law said, find a job slowly, you can go with it to have fun, relax, and then I went, after I went, his mother wanted me to work in the hospital in their hometown, but I didn't like it, I didn't want to be there for the rest of my life, but although I resisted in my heart, I didn't want to contradict my elders, and then I was with my boyfriend, I didn't do anything, because I was a ** The person with the more serious circumstances, his first time, my first time, I thought that we must get married, plus his mother's idea of wanting to arrange me, I just want to escape, because I went to work in the hospital, and I didn't want the hospital if I was pregnant, I was holding this thought, I was really pregnant, and then his mother didn't say anything else, because I didn't want to be there for the rest of my life, and I didn't want to go back to our home, I had been working in the provincial capital before, and I was with him at the time, and he said that he would not go back to his hometown again, because I wanted to arrange my own lifeI don't want to listen to other people's arrangements, I want to choose by myself.
However, people need to be responsible for their own choices, I was only thinking about being pregnant, I could leave there, I didn't think about the future, my boyfriend's four brothers, the others are married, no one stayed in their hometown to develop, his mother is stronger, has been thinking about arranging me, we haven't married She wants to arrange me, because I was pregnant, I didn't think about not having children, so we got married later, and didn't go to work.
The child born in 19 years, 21 years back to work, also did not go to the hospital, or went to the mouth, the work is relatively easy, I felt that I was about to get out, but my husband was unemployed in September 23, did not stay in the provincial capital, came to the county seat, originally thought to wait for him to stabilize and then come to him, but my husband came to the county seat (the county seat is on our side), his mother they went back to their hometown, probably because she felt that I abducted her son, so she returned to her hometown in October National Day has not come up, my child has no one to help pick up, I work from nine o'clock to eighteen o'clock, my daughter will pick up at about five o'clock, I will go to work, I am at the front desk, My daughter is still relatively well-behaved, every time I pick her up, she doesn't speak, she sits obediently, but our boss is unwilling, and keeps telling me to let me arrange the child's affairs, let me hire an hourly worker for 1,080, my salary is 3,000, how can I have 1,800 to ask for a part-time worker?
My husband has been working under his brother and them for the past few years, the money is a little, a little, originally unemployed this time, there are tens of thousands of yuan, but before they built a house in their hometown, it was his eldest brother who advanced the money first, and his eldest brother was more than 100,000 yuan, so this time he was unemployed, and his sister-in-law did not count a penny to him, saying that it was counted in their money, saying that they were still more than 70,000 yuan away, so they couldn't do things with acquaintances. If you need money, you have to be a little like a beggar, his brother and they bought a house for more than 500,000 yuan, the eldest brother changed the car, the sister-in-law changed the car, advanced money with their money, built a house in his hometown, and finally we sent them more than 100,000 yuan, 23 years, the project is not good to do, his brother they opened a hot pot restaurant, said to give my husband 7,000 a month, let him be a cook, he goes to work at more than eight o'clock every day, gets off work at more than 11 o'clock in the morning, and sometimes stays until two or three o'clock, but his salary is not 7,000 per month, it is still in their hands, and he wants to get a little, We have a family, sometimes if you don't want money, you will borrow online loans, so the money in the past few years is repaying the online loan, every time you finally advance the salary down, the money is gone, his sisters-in-law buy thousands of things to buy, we advance some money is not, every time the advance is not happy, all year round like working for them in vain, a month from morning to night, no money, and owe a butt of accounts, at the beginning, my husband is in the industry, but the hot pot restaurant business is not good, they will complain that my husband is not motivated, I don't study new dishes, I'm fine for a day, I only play with my mobile phone, my husband has a bad temper, but he still listens to me relatively speaking, so every time his sister-in-law wants to talk about my husband, she says it in front of me, I don't like to listen, so every time I go home, I will tell my husband, talk too much, he feels that I blame him from someone else's point of view every time, I can't see his good, it will only magnify his shortcomings, and he will say that he is worthless, so we keep arguing, causing him and his sister-in-law to have more and more contradictions, and then a fuse, My husband broke out, I was at work that day, I listened to his sister-in-law say, that day my daughter was playing with water on the table in the store, and then when my sister-in-law wiped the table, she wiped her toys into the trash can, and then my husband was playing games in the warehouse because there were no customers, my daughter cried, thinking that the waiter in the store swept away her toys, the waiter was young (17 years old) my daughter yelled at her, and he also yelled with my daughter (my daughter was four years old), and then my husband jumped out angry and wanted to hit the waiter, Then my sister-in-law yelled at them, they didn't speak, and then my daughter was there to play in the water after a while, and my sister-in-law yelled at my daughter, and my husband came out and took my daughter away, my husband was a chef, but he took my daughter and left, because my husband and his second brother were also there at that time, originally he and his second brother were both cooks, but because the business was not good, his second brother was transferred out to do something else, and it happened that his second brother was there that day, so he was wronged, and he wasAnd every day when I go home, I have to listen to me.
After this incident, his sister-in-law said to his eldest brother, his eldest brother was angry, and then said that he could not open this store, and then closed directly the next day, maybe my husband and I can't stand the grievances, originally I thought about waiting for this year's New Year and don't want to do it, because at the end of the year, at least his sister-in-law will settle a little money for us, then we can take this money and change jobs again, but my husband made this, they closed directly, his sister-in-law did not give us a penny, and then he came to our county in October to enter the factory, his parents went home, my children have no one to pick up, and I am unemployedOriginally, I thought that I should be good to find a job when I came to the county, but the fact is that it is really too difficult, there is no experience in the hospital, there is not enough education, there is no direct dental clinic, the job is only to sell things, but there is no eloquence in sales, now we are a family of three in this small county, I originally thought that all the online loans at the end of the year will be repaid, but I am unemployed, my husband has not passed the probation period, he can't get a penny of his salary before, I can't find a job, no one to take the child, from November unemployed to the present, nearly four months, I originally thought that this month I could find a class at random, and then saw the county hospital recruitment, this time my education is just enough, and then I went to sign up successfully, Because I especially want to seize this opportunity, although I really don't want to go to the hospital at all, no experience, I've been reading books, I think this is my chance, because I have taken the exam once in 18 years, going around for so many years, I think this is the will of heaven in the dark, I entered the written test, and then the interview originally felt that there was a chance, but maybe I was really a waste, the interview was postponed for three days, and his sister-in-law played a ** in the middle Then when it came to the interview, I thought that this should be the last time I had the chance to go to the hospital, after all, I was old and I had no experience.
Then the next day his sister-in-law hit ** Said that his eldest brother knows someone may have a little relationship, help inquire, in fact, when I heard this, the first thing I thought of was not happy, I instantly felt suffocated, I wanted my own efforts, but I couldn't open my mouth, I never knew how to say no to others, so the next day for the interview, I couldn't sleep all night, I was afraid that I had an interview, and I was afraid that I would not be interviewed, and I was afraid that others would look at me with colored glasses, afraid that I would not have a good interview, I wanted to perform well in the interview, even if I passed the interview, people would think that this person was still a little level, not all by other people's face。
Maybe the more you want to do something, the more it backfires, the interview self-introduction is stuck, all the prepared things are forgotten in an instant, panicked, the question will be, and I don't know how to answer it. It came out in a daze.
Waiting for the results of the interview, no, I was instantly a little happy, it's good, I didn't cheat in the end, there was no psychological pressure, and I was a little uncomfortable, I lost this opportunity.
Today, my mother called me **, asked me if I had passed, I said no, and then my mother began to look through the old accounts again, she is always thinking like this now, two or three months, looking for a job is not smooth, she will say I used to shout how you are doing, you used to call you how to do it, you originally learned this, you graduated and don't look for this job, you read this book in vain, I said I want to sell something, she said you have a little culture, to sell something, I really collapsed, after the father called me **, as soon as he came, he said what is the matter with you, you have not had an interview, I said I had no experience, he said you haven't all come to the test, how can you be inexperienced, have been aggressive, I said there is no reason, I have no ability, and then he misheard and said that it is not your reason, what is the reason, I said that it is my reason, I am not capable, and then my father hung up the **.
I want to break down and cry, but I can't find a stable job, how did my life become like this, but I can't cry, everything is my choice, it's all my own choice, I just feel very uncomfortable, it's very uncomfortable, I don't blame anyone, but I feel like I'm going to die, I'm going to drown, is there anyone to save me...