In the process of many children's growth, parents will intentionally or unintentionally use "well-behaved" to measure the quality of a child. At school, "Is the child usually obedient?" "It's one of the biggest concerns for parents.
At home, I always say to my children, "You have to be obedient, and you will be obedient, and if you are disobedient, you will be." Parents will meet each other and talk about their children, and they will also praise each other "your child is so well-behaved" and so on.
Children know in their hearts that if they behave "well-behaved", adults will be happy, and if they listen to adults and look at their faces, adults will like themselves and praise themselves as "sensible".
In order to be loved and praised by adults, in order to be less punished and scolded, children gradually learn to suppress their true feelings to the side, and strive to make that "good" appearance to make themselves likable.
Many psychoanalysts and therapists have come to this conclusion:The more "well-behaved" and "sensible" the child behaves when he is a child, the more psychological problems he has when he grows up. The more rebellious and free a child is when he is a child, the more mentally mature he tends to be when he grows up.
Why is that?
Why is it that the more "well-behaved" children are when they are young, the more psychological problems they have when they grow up?
"Well-behaved" means to please adults
Ignoring who you really are
I remember very vividly that when I was little, my grandmother took me out to play. Passing by the candy stall on the side of the road, my grandmother pointed and said, "Do you want it?" I shook my head and said, "No." The grandmother was satisfied, and said, "This child is the most well-behaved, and he never asks for anything." ”
From the bottom of my heart, my little me actually wanted to eat those colorful, sweet and sour sweets. It's just that "sensible" and "well-behaved" were the highest praise for children in that era.
I vaguely knew in my heart that I would make adults happy if I was "well-behaved", so I suppressed my true feelings and tried to make myself likable by making that "good" appearance.
When I grew up, I became a tired "rotten good person" who didn't know how to reject others.
Psychologists told me that many well-behaved children when they were young grow up with more psychological problems, the reason is that they take the lead in their lives by satisfying the wishes of others and obtaining the approval of others, losing their voices to express themselves, ignoring their real needs, and being depressed and very painful.
I still often see elders say to children, "I don't like you anymore if you're naughty." Or, "I won't love you anymore." The child blinked and immediately quieted down to prove that Grandma still loved him. Every time I see me, my heart is sour, as if I saw my childhood self.
In order to win the affection of the caretaker, he is willing to suppress his true nature, what is the use of this disguised "good" child? The times we live in are different, and such coercion continues to be staged in our educational life.
"Well-behaved" means
Don't dare to express your true emotions
There was once a mother who left a message: My child is usually very well-behaved, and when he entered the kindergarten, he went very smoothly, and he didn't cry or make trouble, but after a week or two, he had the problem of hitting people and waking up crying in the middle of the night. Why?
I put it bluntly:"It's not so much that your child is obedient and well-behaved, it's that your child is insecure.
No one wants to go to kindergarten for children with normal emotions.
Because the 3-year-old child still doesn't understand why he goes to kindergarten, he thinks that if he goes to kindergarten, he won't be able to see his parents.
If the child does not cry or make trouble, it means that she thinks that she should not cry if she wants to be a "good" child in the eyes of your parents. She knows that not crying will make you like her more.
In other words, she was suppressing her true inner thoughts. However, a child's feelings can only be vented in other ways. After she went to kindergarten, she loved to beat people and woke up crying in the middle of the night, which was an inner catharsis.
If your child is able to cry in front of you, it shows that he is secure enough with you to know that you will accept his emotions as they are. This kind of unconditional love and nurturing is the foundation for the formation of a child's healthy personality.
The more "well-behaved" the child
The less independent you are
Why is it that "well-behaved" children as children may excel in school, but it is those who are naughty and mischievous when they are younger? Because, the more "well-behaved" the child is, the stronger the dependence and the worse the autonomy.
"Good children" have too much sense of control from parents.
Parents expect us to walk on a path that can be copied and pasted, and live an ideal life that everyone agrees on, which is "good children".
The more well-behaved the child, as he grows up, he will become a "good" student who doesn't ask questions, a "good" employee who only promises, a "mom boy" who emotionally lets his mother-in-law take care of it, and a bad person who can't be completely autonomous in life. From this point of view, people who have achieved high achievements are not "well-behaved".
My child is also a very naughty child, jumping up and down to uncover the roof tiles, but I will express my displeasure reasonably and never start with "I don't like you anymore!" "It's a coercive condition.
Because we don't love our children because they are "well-behaved". We love him for who he is.
In the same way, I would like him to make life choices because of his true preferences, not to sacrifice his feelings to please others.
I will support my child's decision and remind him to take responsibility for his own decision, rather than "just be a good boy and live according to the person I show you." ”
"Well-behaved" is not a compliment
In this era of rapid change, "well-behaved" is really not a compliment.
The most essential point: this era is the "post-metaphor era": the times are updated too quickly, and many things are that the predecessors should continue to learn from the younger generations, rather than just listening to the words of the fathers. It's a pity that there are not many parents who can recognize the limitations of their vision, and most of them still think that the next generation should be "well-behaved" and take a safe and secure path - the more secure the career, the more at the expense of innovation ability.
In this era, people are going to go high, how can there be an iron rice bowl? When everyone else is successful, those "good" children who listen to their parents' guidance find that they need to change their career course again and adapt to society painfully once again.
The "well-behaved" of Chinese parents means using the life experience of their predecessors to guide the unpredictable and unknowable life of the next generation. There are thousands of goals for raising children, and the worst may be that "good" child!
Having accepted my own growth lessons, I finally made my child a healthy and free child who cries when he wants to cry and laugh when he wants. After dinner that day, he came to me with a very strangely stacked car, which was originally a window but piled up to the tail, but the front of the car was upside down on the body, and my grandmother frowned when she saw it, "How can a car look like this." Come, grandma will help you build according to the picture book. He refused to obey and continued to pile up functional parts on the body that adults could not understand.
I laughed. It's not a coincidence that it's stacked, and it's definitely not good, but this ugly-looking car, in an era of exponential change in innovation, will surely lead to a future that our generation cannot understand.
Dear child, from now on,
You can be angry little kids
Real children
A child who walks his own way.