I grew up in the north, and when I was a child, I often heard my parents say that foreigners' children leave home and become independent when they reach the age of 18.
There is also a theory that when foreign children become adults, the line between them and their parents will be very clear, and they will not interfere much with each other's lives, and everyone will live their own lives. Anyway, it's completely different from the usual state of living with parents and children in China. I don't know if my friends in the south have heard of these sayings.
For so many years, is it true that the legend that foreigners' children are more independent and have a weaker sense of family than Chinese children?I'd like to talk about that today.
It all stems from a survey in the United States that I recently saw. The survey was organized by the PEW Research Center. PEW is a relatively well-known think tank in the United States, although it is not as big and famous as Brookings or CATO, but PEW's research and research are usually more recognized by the mainstream.
The subject of PEW's survey is generally about the relationship between adult children and their parents in the United States. On the one hand, this relationship is emotional, such as regular contact or communication, as well as the perception of each other by parents or children;On the other hand, there is the economic aspect, such as direct financial support between the two parties, or indirect financial support, such as children living with their parents after working in order to save rent, which is also a kind of financial support.
The survey was conducted in October-November 2023 for households. The survey covered about 5,500 American households. In terms of sampling, this is generally representative of the general situation of all strata and races in American society.
The children of the families surveyed are adult children under the age of 35, called young adults in English, because older children are usually more independent emotionally and financially, so they may dilute some valuable conclusions.
Of course, there are many more statistical details about the survey, which I will not go into detail here. However, in general, this survey should be of the necessary professional and scientific nature.
According to the results of this survey, although we cannot say that we can draw any conclusions, it still has some reference significance, at least it is certainly more substantiated than the various folk rumors we usually hear.
Before presenting the main findings, it is important to emphasize again that the children of the families covered by the survey are all adult children under the age of 35, and the goal of the survey is to show this two-way relationship between these relatively young children and their parents.
First of all, at the economic level:
Children who are not financially dependent on their parents at all: 45 per cent
Received financial support from a parent in the past year: 44%.
Therefore, the fact that foreigners' children are completely independent after the age of 18 does not seem to be consistent, at least in this survey. On the one hand, 45% are not financially dependent on their parents at all, which cannot be said to be very high; On the other hand, 44% still have to accept some degree of help from their parents, which is not very low.
Of course, it is certain that younger adult children will be more dependent on their parents, especially those who are still in college or higher. However, it is also important to note that more than 40% of college students in the United States rely on student loans to pay for tuition. So if you take it for granted that college students should rely on their parents, this perception is not very accurate.
But the survey at least tells us that American kids aren't as independent as we think they are, financially.
Let's take a look at the level of contact
Children who message their parents at least every week: 61%.
Children who call their parents at least every week: 46%.
Children who do not see their parents on average every month: 42%.
Children who are largely absent from their parents: 6 per cent
In addition, in the communication between children and parents, the survey shows that it is usually the mother who is the main point of contact.
To some extent, this data may tell us that the level of communication between American children and their parents does not seem to be weaker than that of our Chinese children.
Considering that more young people in China will leave their hometowns to work in bigger cities, and there are fewer holidays in China, it is very likely that we will not see our parents as often as in the United States.
Ask yourself, how often do you send messages to your parents? Can you guarantee them a ** once a week?
You can compare it with the above data, and at least see if you can fall into the majority or minority of the U.S. survey.
Let's take a look at the data on the relationship between parents and children
Children who consider themselves to have a good relationship with their parents: 59%.
Children who believe they are emotionally dependent on their parents: 31%.
Children who believe that their parents are relevant to their lives: 69%.
Children who believe that their parents are not relevant enough to their lives: 22%.
Children who think their parents are too entangled with their lives: 9%.
I think this data may suggest that the relationship between parents and children in the United States is generally good relative to China.
In our culture, it seems that parents are often more deeply involved in their children's lives. Of course, many times, the entanglement of feelings and relationships stems from economic factors. Can you say that on the one hand, you take your parents' money to get married and buy a house, and on the other hand, you completely ignore their opinions and completely draw a line with them?
Can we have nearly 60% of our children satisfied with their parents' relationships? Can nearly 70% of our children feel that their parents' lives are just right in relation to our lives? I am deeply skeptical of this.
In addition, the survey shows that more than 30% of children have a strong emotional dependence on their parents, which may not fully match our traditional perception of foreigners.
I don't know how everyone is, but personally, maybe I will claim that I have a good relationship with my parents, but if there is a strong emotional dependence, I may have reservations.
I think maybe many people are like me, who left home at a young age and studied and worked outside the home for many years. There are so many things that you need to face alone, and your parents are too far away, they don't understand your work and life, and many times they can't understand your state of mind. So it seems that slowly, it will be difficult for you to rely on them emotionally.
Of course, this is just my personal opinion.
Let's look at another set of data about the relevance of parents and children's lives. The issue that we Chinese parents and children may be most likely to disagree about is marriage and having children, and the US survey also covers related issues:
Unmarried children who think they will still get married: 69%.
Children who do not have children but think they will still have children: 51%.
Parents who claim not to worry about their children's marriage: 75%.
Parents who said they were not worried about whether their children would have children: 67%.
This data should be consistent with our traditional understanding.
Parents of foreigners may be more respectful of their children's choices, and I think that if a similar survey were conducted in China, the proportion of parents who are worried about their children's marriage and having children should be similar to the proportion of American parents who are not worried about the above.
The issue of marriage and childbirth is indeed the main tipping point in the relationship between parents and children, and the excessive involvement of parents in our country and even the leading events in their children's lifelong events has actually led to many unnecessary family tragedies.
Finally, let's take a look at the results of the U.S. survey on the perception of the relationship
Parents who believe that the quality of their children's development is related to their competence as parents to a certain extent: 71%.
Parents who think they are doing well: 35%.
Parents who claim to be proud of their children: 83%.
Parents who are worried about their children's lives: 22%.
Parents disappointed with their children: 4%.
Children who think they know their parents well: 48%.
We know that Lao Mei's parents say that they are proud of their children seems to be a bit of a mantra, so we don't over-interpret this 83% ratio. However, the above 71% of parents believe that their children's life development is related to whether they are competent to a certain extent, and this data still makes me feel more impressed.
I think that in this world, there are too many parents who only blindly demand from their children, but rarely reflect on the impact of their own behavior and role model on their children's future lives. Or even if they have a certain understanding, they will never speak up and never admit their problems.
I think there are many people, including myself, who will always tell themselves when they grow up and start a family: I will always be grateful to my parents for raising me, but I don't want to live like them, don't be like them.
One day, however, you may hear someone say to you, "How are you like your mom and dad!" ”
It seems that you often unconsciously find yourself becoming like your parents, similar habits, similar tempers, and similar tones, and you are not aware of them. Either way, you seem to be destined to be them. This may be their permanent mark on your life.
There is also a statistic above, that is, 48% of children think that they know their parents well, and I think this proportion is quite high.
Of course, everyone's criteria for understanding the word are different. But have you ever asked yourself, apart from them, do you really know and understand them other than your parents? Do you have an objective understanding of their character, their conduct, and their character?
Also, do you know what they're thinking? Are they happy? How are they doing?
If you can't answer it, maybe it's time for you to reflect on it. When we always evaluate them in our hearts whether they are competent or not, and blame them for all kinds of wrongdoings, have we ever asked ourselves whether you yourself are a good child?
They may not be able to meet our material needs, nor are they emotional enough to meet our emotional needs, but are we meeting their needs for affection? When they are in pain and helpless, are we also not there or turn a blind eye?
You will find that parents are at fault, as if we are also at fault. But you can't help it, you can't change them, because they don't understand from beginning to end; You can't change yourself, because if you could, it seems that there wouldn't be so many contradictions.
Sometimes you may feel like you'll never want to contact them again after a big argument with them. But believe me, it's still business as usual, because that's family.
After sharing these survey data with you, I don't know what you will know. And what I want to return to most is about the independence of my children.
Since I was a child, I have heard from various sources about the legend, or legend, of the independence of foreign children at the age of eighteen. So much so that at least I was determined not to ask my parents for money after the age of eighteen, and to be completely self-reliant.
Then I tried to work part-time during the high school holidays, sold newspapers, and did sales, but I didn't make much money, and finally when the holidays were over, I was gone.
I'm sure there are definitely quite a few friends who really did it, they left home at a very young age, without the help of their parents, to be self-reliant, to create everything of their own, and I sincerely admire such friends!
But at the same time, I feel sorry for these friends.
A lot of things are really unfair. Of course, you can always say that the hardships you have endured make people grow better. But many times, it may be a kind of happiness not to grow better in this way.
Those sensible and strong children always seem to have to bear more and shoulder more in life.
Maybe it's a blessing to be more dependent on your family – if they have something to do with it – or not so independent, not so reassuring to let them take care of you from time to time, or be selfish and let them worry more about you.
I have always been a proponent of independence and self-reliance, and all the hardships you endure are also a kind of wealth. However, this does not mean that dependence, or lack of independence, is weakness or sin.
Have you ever thought that maybe it was your over-independence and self-improvement that made your parents slowly lose or forget their instinct to care for you? Or that you no longer need them and rely on them, so that they no longer know where they really are in front of you.
They don't know how to get along with you, they don't know how to talk to you, and they find themselves as if everything is wrong, so they become more and more overwhelmed. Is it because your light and heat are too intense, so you can no longer see or feel the relatively weak light and heat of your parents?
What I'm trying to say is that maybe one possible way to improve your relationship with your parents is that you try to accept their care and advice that you may not understand and that seem meaningless, and you try to accept their expressions and expressions that may not be necessary, both material and behavioral.
When you can try to let go of your strong heart and self-esteem, and your guards, and try to rely on and rely on them again, maybe everything will be different.
Of course, there are indeed a lot of bad parents in this world. The misfortune of some children is indeed caused by the ignorance and irresponsibility of some parents.
But this is actually life! There is a lot of gratuitous and cruelty in life itself, and parents may or may not be part of it, but they should not be scapegoated for all impermanence.
The point is, try to stop blaming the blame. Parents are good or bad, when you walk out of the house, the rest of the life is your own, and the future is only up to you.