I finally understand why today's young people are resistant to returning to their hometowns.
A few days ago, I happened to see a **, Mr. Zhongzhou was invited to a friend's hometown as a guest.
However, in just half a day, he felt an indescribable depression.
On that day, Mr. Zhou proposed to dine in the courtyard, enjoying the company of sunshine and scenery.
For him who has lived in the city for a long time, this is undoubtedly a new experience.
However, my friend's father was upset and rushed out of the house and asked aloud why he was eating in the scorching sun.
Mr. Zhou hurriedly explained that it was his own idea and tried to ease the atmosphere.
However, the father did not seem to have calmed his anger and began to blame his son, believing that he should have prepared a tarpaulin in advance.
When the tarpaulin was finally taken out, he began to find fault again with the tarpaulin that it had been held up so late that the dust had fallen on the meal.
Later, even though a friend took out an electric fan to relieve Mr. Zhou's heat, the father could still find a reason to be picky, believing that the lack of sprinkling water caused dust to fly, which affected the dining experience.
Throughout the meal, the father was constantly picky about the taste and method of the meal, which made Mr. Zhou feel extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable.
He describes the feeling as "suffocating", feeling that every little thing can be faulted and people can't enjoy the pleasure of eating.
After the meal, Mr. Zhou couldn't help but ask his friend:
Has your dad always been like this? ”
The friend sighed and replied helplessly: "Since I was a child, it was like the sky had fallen on a little thing, and I never dared to talk casually." So when I grew up, I rarely went home. ”
I was deeply struck by my friend's words. In a family, there is a person who is good at creating internal friction, which is undoubtedly a more terrible thing than poverty.
This kind of internal friction will not only make family members feel depressed and uneasy, but also make them resist their home and even choose to flee.
Have you ever encountered such a response?
He was full of enthusiasm to share the household chores, but accidentally broke the bowl to the ground.
At that moment, I thought I would hear understanding and comfort, but I didn't expect to be met with blame and questioning:
If you can't do such a small thing, what else can you do? Which boss will dare to use you in the future? ”
Words are like knives, piercing the heart.
Every attempt and effort is for growth and progress, but why can't we get the encouragement and support we deserve?
I felt sorry for my mother's daily hard work, so I made a hearty meal with my own hands, hoping to surprise her.
However, when the meal was brought to the table, I heard my mother say lightly
Do you think I'm going to praise you? After doing so much, how can the two of us finish eating? ”
At that moment, it was as if a basin of cold water had been poured on me, and the enthusiasm and expectation in my heart were extinguished instantly.
A family trip is a great time to get together and share a good time.
However, there are times when someone's emotions spread like wildfire, breaking the peace and harmony in an instant.
It's so hot that it's unbearable, why are there so many people? I have long advised you not to come out, you have to join in the fun, it's really annoying! ”
A complaint is like a pebble thrown into a calm lake, causing ripples.
At this time, the attention of the whole family was attracted by this sudden negative emotion, and the original laughter gradually disappeared.
When the family is dissatisfied, the whole family has to carefully accommodate him, for fear of touching his sensitive nerves.
However, if others are slightly dissatisfied, the family member will respond lightly: "You are too hypocritical." ”
This kind of double standard makes people feel helpless and confused.
This kind of "internal friction family" is like an emotional black hole, which can always infinitely magnify a little thing, and then infect the whole family with negative emotions.
They are like a time bomb, which makes people fearful, for fear that if they don't say the right thing and don't do it well, they will detonate this family war.
However, the "internal friction family" himself is often unaware of this, and even feels that it is because the family is not good enough that his emotions are out of control.
They seem to have forgotten that the family is a community and that everyone's emotions affect the atmosphere of the whole family.
In general, "internal friction family" has 4 obvious characteristics:
1. Strong desire to control: listen to him in everything;
2. Emotional: like a walking bomb, just one click;
3. Pessimism: You can always see the problem in your eyes and be dissatisfied with everything;
4. Two-faced people: only promise outside, and go home to point fingers.
In addition to the above qualities, there is also a "hidden" feature that is difficult to ignore.
For most people, the small contradictions and frictions in life often choose to turn a blind eye and value harmony, and it will pass.
But the "internal friction family" is different, they seem to have an obsessive ability to repeatedly mention and amplify the contradictions, making the otherwise insignificant little things endless.
As the days go by, these seemingly insignificant little things are like thorns, quietly piercing into the hearts of the people around them.
Let's not say it, they are like the shackles of **, which makes people feel diaphragm all the time;
Let's take it out, but it seems to be overly sensitive and a bit of a fuss.
In this way, we are unconsciously, repeatedly impregnated by this negative energy, but we can't say or can't say that it's wrong.
Over time, home, a place that is supposed to be full of warmth and love, becomes suffocating as soon as you go back.
The relaxation and love that should have been gradually worn out under the repeated entanglement of the "internal friction family".
Such a family atmosphere is not only physically and mentally exhausting, but also makes the relationship between family members tense and fragile.
Compared with the internal friction between partners, the impact of "internal friction family" on children is often more profound and long-term.
This kind of influence, like a drop of water through a stone, invisibly shapes the child's character and outlook on life.
Mr. Wang, a blogger, has publicly expressed his frustration with his sister, calling her the "creator of internal friction" in the family.
He described that his nephew's high school entrance examination score was only 37 points short of achieving a perfect score, which should have been a matter of pride, but his sister was extremely dissatisfied with it, and the atmosphere in the family almost became tense because of it.
On the day of the exam, when she learned that her son failed to complete the last big math question, her sister's emotions exploded instantly.
She questioned the difficulty of the questions and recalled all the efforts she made for her son before the exam, such as insisting on taking him to Shenyang to find a teacher to make up lessons on the third day of the Lunar New Year.
Her words were full of disappointment and anger:
I don't think it's difficult! Didn't you do it more difficult before the exam? ”
Is it easy for me to be your mother? ”
Usually one point can tie more than 20 people, 12 points for a big question, you want my life! ”
Such a family environment is undoubtedly a heavy pressure for children.
When the score was announced, it was learned that her son was only 37 points away from the perfect score, but her sister did not show the joy and pride she deserved.
Instead, he said with a serious face: "What is good in the exam, I don't know the rank yet!" ”
Then, she began to frantically swipe through her phone's screen to view all kinds of information and data.
His expression became more and more nervous: "It's over, there are 3 of you in your class who have done better, and the score line this year is definitely higher than last year." ”
Then, she pointed the finger at her son: "Are you brainbroken?" Why can't you do the last math problem? ”
Then, she began to complain about her dedication and hard work: "How much effort I spent for you, and you ended up like this, it's so hateful!" ”
In the end, she actually said the heart-wrenching words: "If you don't go to a key high school, don't call me mom in the future!" ”
This sentence pierced his son's heart like a sharp knife.
Although the nephew was successfully admitted to the city's key high school, which should have been a moment worth celebrating, the sister still couldn't let go and continued to put pressure on the nephew with words.
She muttered dissatisfiedly: "What do I say, if you write out the math, you will definitely be able to save the key!" ”
Then, she began to stimulate her nephew with comparisons:
For the first time in life, you are lagging behind! ”
The two people who work under me, other people's children are better than yours, and I don't have the face to go to work! ”
If you can do anything in the future, just mix with those people who are going to the technical school! ”
My sister's words poured out like a cannon, and her emotions fluctuated violently, like a violent storm.
She shouted angrily, cursed in a whisper, her voice filled with endless anger and disappointment.
In this emotional storm, she couldn't even control her behavior, and from time to time she smashed pots and dishes, shattering the peace and harmony in her home.
And the son could only stand helplessly on the side, trembling all over, not daring to breathe, crying all the time.
This ** is only 11 minutes, but it makes me feel deeply tired and heavy.
Every quarrel and every beating is like an invisible knife, cutting through the harmony and tranquility of the family.
And all this is just a microcosm of the child's life in the past half a month.
I can't imagine how my children's hearts would be traumatized if such a family life became the norm for more than ten years.
How does he maintain a healthy and happy growth in such an environment?
Some netizens lamented that the phenomenon of "internal friction" at home seems to have been "perfect" from generation to generation.
This kind of burden is like a heavy heredity, which invisibly affects every member of the family.
Whenever the husband kindly reminds the child not to step on the puddle, the child's response reveals a habitual resistance.
He would subconsciously retort, "You can't see it when I'm blind." ”
Such a dialogue may seem to others to be just a child's temporary stubbornness, but in the eyes of this netizen, it is another stage of the "internal friction" mode at home.
Some netizens shared that because he has always observed his father's face since he was a child, he always seems overly sensitive and submissive when getting along with others.
This cautious attitude seems to have left a deep imprint on his childhood, so that he is always afraid that he will do something wrong when facing others, which will lead to unnecessary conflict or blame.
As the years go by, many people gradually become aware of their own problems on the road to growth.
However, the "imprint" from childhood is like a heavy shackle, which is difficult to break free.
They often warn themselves in their hearts not to repeat their mother's mistakes and not to fall into the same emotional vortex.
However, when the flame of anger ignites, they find that they still can't get rid of that emotional bondage and can't help but fall into a similar situation.
This kind of helplessness and struggle makes people feel deeply distressed.
"My parents raised me to be a person who cowered and had low self-esteem, and on the other hand, they scolded me for not being brave enough. ”
A netizen shared her upbringing, which was a childhood spent under the deterrence of her father's "Yiyantang".
"My father always asked me what I thought, then ruthlessly rejected me and finally forced a decision for me," she described. It's the same every time. ”
Once, when she came home, her father prepared breakfast for her and asked her, "Do you want a slice of bread or two for a sandwich?" ”
She replied, "One piece is fine." However, my father insisted, "Let's have two pieces." ”
Faced with her father's insistence, she subconsciously retorted:
I say one piece, one piece. If you want two pieces, don't ask me. Don't wait for me to say it, you're coming to deny me again. ”
Her words were filled with resentment and rebellion against her father's long-standing behavior.
After hearing this, my father was obviously a little flustered, and hurriedly said, "Okay, I know, I know." Then he left silently.
Looking at the back of his father's departure, netizens suddenly felt sad.
She returned to her room, tears welling up in her eyes.
She realized that her attitude might have hurt her father, but at the same time, she felt as if she had breathed a sigh of relief for the helpless self she had been a child.
This complex emotion intertwined to make her feel both regretful and relieved.
Children who live in "internal friction families" often experience another deep struggle in their hearts.
On the one hand, they are deeply disgusted by the "mental damage" caused by their parents
That endless reproach, denial, and repression seemed to trap them in an invisible cage, unable to breathe, unable to be free.
On the other hand, they feel sorry for the hard work and dedication of their parents.
They understand that their parents are also ordinary people, and they also have their own hardships and difficulties.
This kind of distress and understanding makes it more difficult for them to choose and resist in the face of their parents' hurt.
In this complex interweaving of emotions, they don't know who to blame and end up blaming themselves for all the faults.
They think that they are not good enough, not good enough, to disappoint and dislike their parents.
This kind of self-blame and self-denial makes their hearts even more painful and struggling.
There are two mes in this world, one wants to go home and the other wants to travel far. This sentence may be the truest portrayal of their hearts.
I want to go home, longing for the warmth and love of my family;
And I, who wanted to travel far away, longed to escape from this environment full of "internal friction" and find my own freedom and happiness.
Perhaps, some people will think: "It is natural for parents to educate their children and point out their children's mistakes." ”
It is true that education is inseparable from guidance and correction.
However, I would like to stress that blame and repression are by no means the only, or even the best, way to educate.
Once, I read a warm and profound story.
There is a netizen who suffered financial difficulties when she was in the second grade of primary school and was almost on the verge of bankruptcy.
As a result, her mother often lost her temper at home and lost control of her emotions.
However, her father remained optimistic and calm.
Once, my father took this netizen to go fishing. It was a gloomy day and it seemed like it was going to rain at any moment.
Her father said to her, "If it rains, I'll tell you how Franklin caught lightning." ”
That day, she didn't learn how to "catch lightning", but she remembered another sentence her father said:
Life is like a dream bubble, like dew and electricity. Everything will pass, but the beauty will last forever. ”
This sentence, in later days, became a source of strength for her in the face of difficulties.
Whenever darkness shrouded her, whenever she was lost and helpless, she would remember her father's words and regain the courage to move forward.
I once read a thought-provoking quote:
"Our education is too focused on making us good, but never teaching us how to survive. ”
Survival here is not simply the maintenance of the material level, but how to straighten your waist more tenaciously and live bravely in the face of adversity and setbacks.
Life, like a winding river, with ups and downs, turbulent waves, is the norm.
We can't predict how many storms we will encounter in the future, and we can't avoid sudden shocks in our lives.
However, a family education without internal friction can sow the seeds of "hope, optimism, and tenacity" in the hearts of children.
These seeds will take root and sprout and thrive on the path of children's growth.
They will give children the courage to face difficult situations and make them believe that no matter how much wind and rain they encounter, there is always a ray of sunshine waiting for them.
They will teach children to learn from failures, find opportunities from setbacks, and meet each new challenge with an optimistic attitude.
In the recent hit variety show "Flowers and Boys", there is an impressive scene.
Di Lieba accidentally knocked down the Coke bottle behind him, and in an instant, the Coke gushed out like a spring.
As an "internal friction personality", her first reaction in the face of this sudden accident was:
Oh my God, it's over. ”
Her face was full of worry and self-reproach.
However, at this critical moment, Qin Lan on the side easily resolved the tense atmosphere in her unique way.
She blurted out, "Happy Holidays!" ”
Everyone was infected by Qin Lan's humor and optimism, and laughter echoed in the air.
Afterwards, Reba recalled that it was this "happy holiday" that soothed her anxiety at the moment.
In fact, the same is true of family life.
It's the same to knock over Coke.
Hearing "Don't you have eyes?" And "Happy Holidays!" "It's a completely different experience.
In the trivial details of family life, there is no absolute right or wrong.
Disputes and disagreements that seem important are often only insignificant moments in the long journey of life.
What matters is how we face and deal with these issues.
Because problems in themselves do not define our lives, it is our attitude towards problems that really determines our quality of life.
Troubles may turn into fun.
Finally, I would like to clarify a point:
What is being said here is not intended to blame parents.
In the world, there has never been a perfect parent, who, like us, is deeply affected by the environment in which they grew up, and has unavoidable limitations and shortcomings.
Therefore, we should be more understanding and tolerant of parents.
In response, I would like to offer you a few suggestions to help you better cope with the challenges in family relationships:
1. Forgive yourself
Forgive yourself for the occasional nameless anger you have when facing your parents;
Forgive yourself for being stinging by childhood memories even if you have grown up**, and your emotions will be out of control.
Forgive yourself for being imperfect, because no one can completely escape the influence of their family of origin.
Accepting the imperfections of reality is the first step to change.
2. Parents are allowed to "not change".
Many times, our pain stems from the discrepancy between what we expect from our parents and what we realize.
When expectations are disappointed again and again, we might as well learn to let go and give each other some space.
You don't have to force your parents to change their lifestyle, but try to understand and accept it.
Let go of the expectations of our parents, maybe we will live more comfortably.
3. Try to avoid stereotypes
From an early age, we often have certain stereotypes about our parents, believing that they are controlling, emotionally unstable, or habitual to use cold violence.
These preconceived notions make us prone to reflexive stress reactions once we encounter similar situations in adulthood, thinking that our parents are "sick again".
However, we must be aware that people change over time.
When our minds are filled with preconceived judgments about our parents, true understanding and communication are difficult to achieve.
Therefore, we should strive to break the shackles of these stereotypes, face our parents with a more open and inclusive attitude, and discover their possible changes and growth.
4. Physical isolation
If, despite all these efforts, we still struggle to build a harmonious relationship with our parents, we may wish to consider spending less time with them.
Create a comfortable space for yourself to breathe and heal.
In this process, we can gradually learn to be independent and autonomous, and become the "savior" of our own lives.
In recent years, there is a saying that has been widely circulated: "The unfortunate person has to spend his whole life in his childhood." ”
Although there is some truth in this statement, it is not absolute.
The harm caused by the family of origin may not be something we can choose.
But "getting rid of these injuries and becoming a better person" is our unshirkable responsibility.
Don't continue to be a powerless child in your heart.
Cheer up and go and become a better adult!
Click [Greatbar], blessing all people to be their own "saviors".
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