February 20, 2024.
When I went hiking this morning, I ran into one of my mother's classmates. After a small talk with him, he said something like this: "I met your uncle the other day, and he said that your child is not very obedient! As soon as these words came out, a very complicated emotion suddenly appeared!
What does "disobedience" mean for all children? What does it mean for us? Is it energized? How does it sound like: parents and elders stand in the total denial of the elders to the young: "You are wrong, I look down on the younger (juniors) from the perspective of the elders, you are wrong." You should listen to our elders, our words are right. ”
I don't know if I, as a junior, will feel the words of my elders in this way, and others as juniors will feel anything! I only know that we, as juniors, or many children, have probably heard such words as "disobedient", "we are for your good", "you are still young and not sensible". Thus creating a sense of guilt (kidnapped by morality) and self-doubt: am I a disobedient child? I was wrong? Should I listen to adults? Should I do what adults say?
When I was a child, I followed the words of adults with such emotions and doubts, and even met the expectations of adults: to become an obedient child. (Maybe once or twice in a while, disobedience, but from the mouth of the adult, on the whole, he is an obedient child). By the time of adolescence. Probably.
Ten. Five, six, seven years old, the arrival of the rebellious period. (The rebellious period is the stage of the development of the child's personal consciousness, which I call the stage of natural and savage growth). At this stage, many children have only a very limited amount of growth – and I am one of them. Take myself as an example: I entered the life of a high school boarder at the age of 16. I often violated discipline: not wearing school uniforms, school shoes, smoking, ......etc. I am often called to the office by the teacher to criticize or punish him. After tossing for a while, the school uniform was put on, but it needed to be changed (but because I felt that the original appearance of the school uniform was not so good-looking, I didn't like it very much); School shoes were also worn; Just step on the heel; Smoking is even more hiding! That's how I became a disobedient problem student! Because of these things, I was faced with the treatment of meeting parents, class deductions, and personal deductions! I know these are school rules, but I don't know what they do for me. What authority is there? Or am I too rebellious? Or am I going to stay in this school and abide by it? Don't know how to deal with all this? Full of doubt and pressure, I dropped out of school like this. After dropping out of school, I didn't have a job for a while, so I often went to the game hall to play games. Occasionally, parents of children go to the game hall to catch their children: some beat, some scold! It's not much different from today's children playing with mobile phones. There was one time when I couldn't escape being scolded badly, and that time I ran away from home for two or three days. At that time, I thought that playing games was not a heinous thing, and it was normal for children to like to play games, just like playing with their mobile phones now, and playing games was not just for the sake of playing games, and there were some children who ended their school life very early like me and played with young people. There are also some people who think that it is complicated with bars and nightclubs, and it is easy for young people to learn badly. Before this, there was a game hall opposite my house in elementary and junior high school. My parents also knew that I used to run over there to play, and sometimes my mom would come there to eat with me. There has never been such a contradiction! In retrospect, it's not just that I play games, but maybe some other emotional accumulation, maybe blaming me for not working, not doing housework, not staying at home; Or maybe it's because you have endured other people's emotions and need to vent; Or maybe it's to show the authority of being a parent, in short, to blame me on a moral, or so-called "right" side! I knew then that I was resisting this accusation, and I felt right. But what about it?
I still remember that there was a school song in the elementary school where I studied, and there was a lyric in it that read, "We are the seedlings of XX Primary School, and we thrive under the nurturing of the gardener". Think of the gardener as a teacher and the child as a seedling. However, many of these seedlings have become works of art "potted plants"! I was stared at the shelf, and tied up the art of the wire awkwardly fixing.
Art has certain values or ornaments, and it is also divided into artificial and natural. I don't know if I can deny that the bonsai does not "thrive", but I can be sure that it is limited in height and direction. He doesn't grow naturally, and even if he looks beautiful, it's not natural beauty We humans grow not only physically, but also self-awareness. To grow according to one's own will is to grow naturally; Being interfered with by others is artificial growth. Asking others to be obedient is human intervention. When some people reach adulthood, they are transformed from being intervened to intervening in others: not only in children, but also in elders and elders. Probably you shouldn't be like this, you shouldn't be like that, you should be like this and that, and so on (listen to my words) Hearing such words makes me feel disrespected, forcibly educated, doubted and denied, and even forced to bear the other person's emotions. Completely ignoring the feelings of others.
Is it that you can't say that you know that the other party is wrong or not doing very well?
Whether you can or cannot is based on whether you can be respected and take care of each other's feelings as the premise, point out the problem, and whether there is a better suggestion. After that, no matter whether the other party accepts it or not, how to choose can give understanding and support If someone says what he wants to say with such an attitude, I am personally very happy to listen.
On the contrary, we can't restrain ourselves because of obedience, we have nailed shelves and tied layers of wires, and we have to break free from these layers of shackles and let ourselves grow savagely and naturally.