There is a topic on Zhihu:What causes children to be reluctant to communicate with their parents when they are growing up?
Under this topic, there are more than 13 million views. Among them, a netizen's answer is very worrying. 
Isn't it heart-wrenching to see this?Most of the time, children refuse to say it because it is more terrible to say it than not to say it.
Said it would:Criticized, ridiculed, denied, and even refused to be hit.
The message the child received was: "What I said was not only useless, but it would also make things worse for me, so I chose not to say it."
So, back to the original question, what causes children to be reluctant to communicate with their parents?To a large extent, it's the parents!A harmonious parent-child relationship must be:Children are happy to listen to what parents say;Parents know how to listen to their children's words. So how do you say that the child will listen?How do you listen so that your child will speak?When it comes to communication, you might as well learn these four psychological rules, and you will definitely benefit a lot. McLabin's LawCriticize children, whispered education is more effective
Some people say that children are difficult to manage: they often make mistakes, they don't take things seriously, they are rebellious, and they ...... rebelliousBut in the face of children,The more impatient the parent, the more frightened the child will be, and the parent-child relationship will break down. Therefore, to communicate with children, soft wisdom is always needed. This has to be mentionedMcLabin's Law, also known as the 7 38 55 law. It is said that in the course of our communication, the person who "listens" receives the information:55% is through vision, such as gestures, expressions, movements, manners, etc.;38% by hearing, such as intonation, volume, speed of speech, etc.;Only 7%.is the content of the speech. That is to say,Children are most likely to get information from their parents' body and facial expressions. 
A friend once told me about my son who is in elementary school. Once my son was doing his homework at home because of scribbled handwriting. The father yelled directly at his son: What are you writing, rewrite!Then the father tore the page, and the son trembled with fear. Later, my son wrote it 2 times in a row, and my father tore it 2 more times, but my father was still not satisfied. By the fourth time, my son's homework had finally passed. But the next day, the father found that his son had written it all over the back cover of the small bookI hate Dad!Hate to die！"If the parents are blindly stubborn, the child will give in on the surface, but in fact he will not be convinced in the heart.
Because, what he remembers is his father'sHideous expressions, and the action of tearing up the homework book。The yelling of parents will make the child's brain perceive the crisis. There are three instinctive reactions that come to mind:Attack, flee, froze, there is no time to take care of anything else. As stated in the Journal of Child Development:Parents yelling at their children can cause anxiety, depression, and increased behavioral problems. Communication style is the key to solving problems, and it is also the mirror of the parent-child relationship. Yelling and scolding does not make children remember longer. The quieter the parent's voice, the calmer the child's emotions will be. When criticizing children, the education will be more effective if the voice is low. 
The White Bear EffectPositive cues are more effective
In 1987, Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegener did a simple experiment. He divided the participants into 2 groups. The first group can't think about the white bear for 5 minutes;The second group can think of anything, including white bears. In the experiment, whenever they thought of a white bear, they rang the bell once to measure the number of times they thought of the white bear. 
As a result, the group that was forbidden to think about the white bear rang the bell the most times, which is the famous "white bear experiment".
That's what it's known forThe White Bear EffectThe more you want to forget, the more you will remember;The more you block, the more likely it is to happen. In the same way, in parenting,The more we don't let our kids do something, the more they like to do it against each other.
When you say to your child, don't yell!, the child will scream louder;No, don't, don't, these dialogue patterns can easily trigger the white bear effect:When you tell your child that you are not allowed to eat snacks, your child will steal them
When you say to your child, "Don't watch TV!"., the child will be more fascinated by it;
The stronger the language we forbid, the stronger the reverberation of desire the child will feel.
Negative, negative words are actually a negative psychological suggestion.
Curious children, in the face of such hints, it is difficult not to verify the consequences of doing so. Instead of blindly blocking and giving negative hints, it is better to give children positive and positive instructions!If the cues given by the parents are positive, the child will believe it and strive to be that good thing. When children hear positive and affirmative instructions, they are more likely to face the world positively, be full of energy, and smile enthusiasticallyNever underestimate the power of "suggestion".
The condiment effectParents will talk "nonsense", and children are more likely to open up
"Is your homework done?"How many points did you score in math this time?""What did the teacher talk about today?"”Do you talk to your children like this?
As everyone knows,Conversations that are too purposeful and useful will bore the child and gradually close the door to his heart
Psychology has oneThe condiment effectSome seemingly useless "nonsense" can often play a role in increasing people's psychological integration.
Writer Zhou Guoping once wrote a conversation with his daughter in the book, and the content was always a variety of "nonsense".
"Is there really a Santa Claus?"Why do you love mom and dad?"What's it like to grow up?"How long is a lifetime in the world?"”In the process of relaxing chatting, the daughter also Xi the insights of aesthetics, love, life and other aspects from her father. These seemingly rambling "nonsense" are actually more useful to children. A friend who counsels a psychologist shared a story from a book.
Dad learned that his son Lele had a conflict with his classmates at school, but he didn't rush to talk about it. After dinner, Dad went to Lele's room to deliver a glass of milk, and then chatted, from making friends to talking about his childhood. After the father and son had a good conversation, Lele took the initiative to open his mind and asked his father: "Why is there always someone we don't like?"Dad took the opportunity to enlighten Lele and let Lele feel relieved. 
Compared with Lele's father, many parents ask for homework as soon as their children come home. As soon as he talks about quarreling with friends, he indiscriminately complains about the children first, and then comes to the big reason. This kindViolent communication is often the most ineffective。Why not change your strategy and talk about topics that interest your child:
What little gossip do you have in your class today?What's new in school?theseSeemingly useless "nonsense" can often be played"condiments". Let the child let down his psychological guard, avoid being disgusted by the child, and make the next communication smoother.Did you have any fun today, and let me be happy if you said it!
When children feel equal and loved, they will be more willing to open up to us and be a little "chatter".
Rapoport's LawReach a consensus and communicate more effectivelyIn psychology, there is a law called:Rapoport's Law。It is said that there are 4 very important steps in communication if you want to raise objections:
1. Restate the other person's thoughts2. Recognize some of the views;3. Emphasize the gain to me;After completing the above three points, it will be easier for the other party to accept and reach a consensus by starting to explain what you disagree with. According to Rapoport's law, parent-child communication,If you want to reach a consensus with your child, parents must learn to be more affirmativeThe ratio of agrees and disagrees is about 3:1, or even higher. Olympic champion Deng Yaping once shared her parenting experience in the program "Praise is Right" and received a lot of praise.
For a while, my son was addicted to online games and was determined to take the road of e-sports.
This is to be replaced by ordinary parents, it is estimated that it is a big truth, and then scold the child to "arm" resistance.
But Deng Yaping did not do this, and she used her patience to make the child make a more rational decision.
First of all, she recounted her son's thoughts: I like e-sports very much, I am in the top eight in Beijing, and I want to try my career path.The second step is to recognize part of the child's point of view: e-sports can also win the world championship and win glory for the country.
In the third step, she also won the championship and knew that the championship was achieved through hard work.
The fourth step is to make a suggestion: esports is not playing, you have to play at least 12 hours a day, and your career is short, only ...... years
In the end, after thinking about it seriously, the son did not rebel or confront, and completely broke off the idea of taking the road of e-sports.
The stronger the parents, the easier it is for the children to go to the opposite side, which is determined by human nature.
No one likes to be cleaved by others. It's the same with children. Smart parents will definitely try to listen and empathize with their children
Acknowledge what he's done well before making a suggestion.
Educator Cai Yuanpei once said: What determines a child's life is not Xi academic performance, but a sound personality cultivation.
If you want to cultivate a healthy personality in your child, the first thing parents need to do is to change the tone and way of speaking. Parents who don't know how to communicate can't raise happy children. Even if it is true, parents will not harm their children, but they are always faced with a bunch of big truths, and children can't accept it. Educating children is a two-way process, and if children feel depressed, there must be something wrong with education. Children can better cooperate with their parents when they have good feelings. Therefore, learning scientific communication is the easiest and most effective way for parents to educate.