Text |Tang Sugar
Do you always say break up first?
Are you a person who talks about "breakup and divorce"?
Do you believe from the bottom of your heart that you are born lonely?
Do you believe that "no one can be relied on, only on your own"?
Do you tell someone when you have a problem?
Do you always need to keep enough personal space to recuperate?
Has anyone ever said that you "do"?
Does anyone say you look like a hedgehog?
Has anyone ever read the scars behind your stubbornness?
Have you ever been treated gently?
Can you be gentle with yourself?
There are so many people in this world, but we often feel bitterly lonely. Loneliness in a relationship can be more unbearable than loneliness in a person.
I received a visit the other day, her story is very typical, and I felt a huge "contradiction" in her: she has been seeking to get rid of loneliness and has a strong desire for intimacy, but in the process of really getting along, she pushes her lover away again and again, and always becomes the first to give up.
Sometimes, she will try her best to restrain her urge to "break up", and swallow the words to her mouth, but in her heart, she still left a bone scar, and her heart was cold without saying it. There are too many times to be cold, and the word "breakup" is no longer important no matter who mentions it. The ending is decided.
"I don't know why that's happening," she said. Perhaps, I was born to be alone. ”
Today, from a psychological point of view, we will enter the inner world of "the person who broke up first".
01 Breaking up is a test.
The people who broke up first vaguely knew this in their hearts: the breakup was actually a test. It's their test of their lover.
Real breakups are quiet, and those fanfare breakups are actually just hoping that the other party will keep them
whether to retain" constitutes the assessment criteria for the breakup test. If you keep it, it means that the other party cherishes this relationship and values yourself as a person, and you have gained three valuable things because of this.
First, a sense of security, the other party's retention represents attention, which means that I am safe in this relationship and will not be easily abandoned by the other party.
Second, a sense of superiority. If the other party stays, it means that the other party can't do without me. If the other party doesn't keep it, then at least I dumped him first. Either way, I'm the one who has the upper hand.
Third, a sense of control. When I mention breaking up, it means that the rhythm of the relationship is up to me.
This game is so fun that you can easily get the three most important needs of being a human being, it's really addictive. Especially for those who are lacking these things.
Kötzweig said: "She was too young to know all the gifts of fate, and she had already secretly marked **."
This dangerous test carries a huge risk, and as the partner's patience and self-esteem wear down as the test accumulates, the emotional foundation of a relationship gradually collapses from crumbling to collapse.
From this point of view, the story of "The Wolf" is not only to tell children not to lie, but also to tell children not to overestimate other people's tolerance for themselves.
02 A breakup is a forced repetition of fate.
Compulsive repetition is a psychological term in which a person keeps repeating the fate of childhood. As Adler famously said, "The unfortunate spend their whole life ** childhood, and the lucky people use their childhood ** life." ”
If a person has experienced the feeling of abandonment in childhood, then when he grows up, he may unconsciously repeat the complex of that year. The reason why I say "complex" is because being abandoned is a feeling, not necessarily a fact that has happened.
Parents threaten their children that "if you don't obey again, they won't want you anymore and throw you away", which will make children fear and feel abandoned. Being fostered with relatives as a child can also cause children to feel abandoned by their parents. Parents quarrel every day and see that their children are not angry, and the children may be afraid that "if my parents divorce, no one may want me", thus feeling abandoned.
In addition, parents are very busy, they are always absent when their children are in need, or no one pays attention to their children when they cry, and when they wake up to find that their mother is gone (probably going to work), etc., they may leave their children with a "sense of abandonment".
There are also many people who feel abandoned during the kindergarten stage. Entering kindergarten at the age of 3, for children, what they feel is a deep separation anxiety, and if there is no good transition and processing at this stage, such as being forcibly twisted in by their parents, it may leave psychological trauma. From this perspective, psychological trauma does not have to be in an extremely hostile environment to occur.
People who have left this kind of psychological trauma in their early years will compulsively repeat past experiences in their adult relationships, constantly propose to break up in intimate relationships, and actively create scenes of abandonment, which is compulsively repeating childhood experiences.
This unconscious behavior, driven by the subconscious, brings a sense of familiarity, and familiarity itself brings a sense of security.
Some people may ask, first mentioning that breaking up is obviously abandoning the other party, why is it "creating the experience of being abandoned"?
The answer is very simple, because there is no one in this world who can make the action of "constantly being abandoned and constantly getting back", so the person who takes the initiative to break up may not really want to break up, but the person who is always mentioned to break up will really leave one day. At that time, people who take the initiative to break up will experience a familiar taste - that deep sense of "abandonment", or a familiar formula, or a familiar taste.
03 The realization of self-testimony: I have no value, and "love" itself is not secure.
Everyone has a script for their own life, and this script, which we can call "self-testimony", the mystery of fate, exists in this script. Throughout our lives, we are fulfilling our testimony of self.
Let's talk about the person who broke up first, and the person is essentially a person who lacks a sense of security. A sense of security is the basic need of human beings, and it is the basic need at the same level as eating, drinking, and Lazar. A lack of security will inevitably lead to a lack of self-worth, because they have not experienced enough feelings of being loved, and they will have self-testimony that "I have no value, and love itself is not safe". And this sentence became the fate of their lives.
People who lack love, who cannot trust love, who are never treated gently, will not believe that they are valuable and deserve to be treated well.
This is easy to understand that in a relationship, the person who breaks up first seems to be strong, but in fact he is the one who has no confidence. This confidence includes both confidence in oneself and confidence in the other person. When he or she proposes to break up and the other party does not keep him, his self-testimony is realized: "Look, he just doesn't love me, no one will really love me", and this feeling of isolation will make him quickly retreat into his own defense mechanism and retreat back into a familiar sense of security.
Because of this, many people will always use the way of pushing away their partners to create a sense of collapse of fate, just like Sisyphus pushing stones, repeating the fate of being abandoned repeatedly. Keep letting the relationship come to an end, let yourself return to a state of loneliness, and then sigh: "People are born lonely." ”
From this point of view, the fate of people who always preemptively say that they break up is lonely, they are like hedgehogs in winter, eager to huddle together for warmth but always hurt others, until finally they live themselves into the loneliest souls.
Until he unravels the mystery of the gears of fate and rewrites the script of life.
04 Love and security.
It seems to be a matter of security, which comes from the ability to protect oneself, the attitude of self-responsibility, and the behavior of self-development. And all of this boils down to the fact that you have to learn to love yourself.
Understanding is the foundation of love, and today we have used a long article to help you understand yourself and understand yourself. Do you understand why you do this, and what are the unmet needs behind it?With this in mind, you may be able to start experimenting with more mature methods instead of the old ones.
To understand yourself, but also to accept yourself.
To accept means to stop judging as it is. At the same time, acceptance is not the same as laissez-faire, you have to do something more constructive for self-development. So that you can love yourself well.
You have to learn to be self-responsible, not only to earn your own money and spend it, but also to take responsibility for everything you do, such as your emotions.
When you feel hurt or disappointed, and you want to use "breakup" to escape the relationship and punish the other person, you need to understand yourself, embrace yourself, and take responsibility for your emotions. You have to know that these feelings of being hurt come from the psychological trauma of the past, from some distorted cognitions, and you must know that no one can really hurt you except yourself.
The so-called harm is actually a perception and feeling, not a fact. You have to learn to take a new path, to deal with the surging emotions again, and that path comes with more awareness.
You have to take care of your body and let it be full of energy. You have to take care of your heart and fill it with joy.
You have to accept your imperfections and have the fullest patience for your own growth and transformation.
You have to dare to enjoy the beauty of life, you have to know clearly what kind of person you want to be, and where you want to go in the future.
You need to know how to protect your energy, nourish yourself in the right relationships, and understand yourself more deeply in the collision between people.
These words, which look like chicken soup, actually contain the abundant connotation of the word "love". Love is the only thing that can give birth to security. If you haven't received enough love before, then the most important lesson for the rest of your life is to learn Xi self-love.
Let's talk about the person who broke up first, and lived the loneliest soul, but if you choose to heal and grow, you can still bloom the most gorgeous flowers in your life.
For the rest of your life, please love yourself.
-end-
Tang Sugar
National Level 2 Psychological Counselor |15w fan psychology blogger on the whole network.
Published "Being an Emotionally Stable Parent: You Are Your Child's Family of Origin".
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