You may notice that between Chinese culture and other cultures, I seem to prefer Chinese culture, right? It seems that I often say good things about Chinese culture, and then I often use other cultures as the object of comparison, and often I prefer the side of Chinese culture, but it doesn't mean that I like anything in Chinese culture.
In some ways, I don't think I like Chinese culture very much, but I think other cultures may do a little better than the Chinese. For example, the sense of boundary, I think sometimes Chinese or Chinese culture lacks some of the proper sense of boundary.
For example, we often hear about young couples who are happily lying in bed watching TV or doing something, and suddenly the bedroom door is pushed open, and the mother-in-law comes inOr the young couple has not gotten up in the morning, and suddenly the bedroom door is pushed open, and the mother-in-law comes in to get something;Or even just get them up and say, when are you all still sleeping there??To invade the boundaries of the young couple.
At this time, young people feel particularly uncomfortable, especially violated, as if their private space has been invaded. But it's possible that this mother-in-law, I'm just using my mother-in-law as an example, not that I have any prejudice against the role of mother-in-law. However, maybe this side, the mother-in-law's side feels something?Right. We're all family, so what does it matter if I come into your room?
And about the things between young couples, there are many conflicts between them, or something, and the elders will also run over, take care of it with confidence, put forward their own opinions, judge, and ask them what to do, without feeling that this violates the boundaries of others, which is actually quite uncomfortable.
Another example is that many young people are particularly uncomfortable, that is, relatives at home will ask a lot of private things about themselves. For example, if the child is younger and still in school, relatives will ask you how you did in the examAre the results good?Which school are you going to go to?Then when it's time to really get ready for the university entrance examination, the people in the family, sometimes even including relatives, will give a lot of ideas, saying, "You should go to this school, don't go to that school, that school is not good." ”
The student himself said, "But I just like that major." Then the others said, "What do you know, this major is really bad, you must not go to this major, you should go to any major." Put a lot of pressure on him. Then when you finally finish school, graduate, and work, and go to your relatives, your relatives will ask you what kind of work you doAre you in a relationship now?When are you going to get married, and so on, and so on, which makes young people feel annoyed.
In this kind of thing, we can clearly see that some other cultures, such as Westerners, are very different from the Chinese in this regard, and they will really be more observant of the borders. Your business is your business, and my business is mine. When you go to study, what major you study, when you fall in love, when you get married, it doesn't seem to be my business, I won't interfere easily. The young couple's own room, the elders can't easily break in.
So why did the Chinese form such a cultural characteristic that is not very boundary?He is actually related to the mentality of the ancient Chinese, who feel that if the boundary between people is too clear, it will not feel close enough. What does that intimacy rely on to show it?It is reflected by the fact that the boundaries between us are not clear.
From a psychological point of view, this statement is not unreasonable. A lot of the time we show intimacy with people, it's often in ways that can be a little uncomfortable.
For example, when we talk to ordinary friends, we will speak politely, and we will not say things that upset people. But what if it's a particularly close friend?Sometimes we can dare to say things that make the other person not so happy. In this case, it still won't hurt our feelings, and the other party still won't turn against us. This proves that we are indeed more affectionate.
The same is true of boundaries, we break through other people's boundaries, others are uncomfortable, but if we are extraordinarily close people, then this kind of boundary breaking, we will not feel uncomfortable, and may even feel more comfortable, so we will sometimes use this way to try to prove to ourselves that our relationship is extraordinarily intimate. This may be the purpose behind the Chinese sometimes wanting to break through the border.
I remember that there was a story about someone who had a small hair and later became a big official, but this person himself, he was very unsuccessful, he was very miserable in his own officialdom, just a small person. Later, his friend, a friend who was a big official, happened to come to their area, and then the local ** people flattered him, and everyone invited him to dinner. This down-and-out petty official, who is friends with the big official, he also went to this dinner, and then after that, hey, look at it, know it, the big official knows him. So what did that big official do to him?The great official laughed and scolded him, belittled him, ridiculed him, laughed at him, and said many such things.
After this incident, the local ** who tended to be inflammatory, hurriedly promoted this petty official who was very miserable, and everyone no longer dared to despise him, why?Because everyone found that the big official's ridicule of him, belittled, criticized, talked about him, and then laughed and scolded him, this kind of attitude shows that the big official has a close relationship with him and is not an outsider.
Therefore, many times the Chinese break through the border, precisely to show that we are not outsiders, and to reflect the intimacy with the attitude of not being outsiders. You can't say that he doesn't have any reason for this, but if it becomes too common, it also has its downside, which will add a lot of unnecessary conflicts between those who are closer.
What's the point of the border?
The meaning of borders is to reduce some unnecessary conflicts and troubles. Because everyone has their own independent will, and everyone does not want to be influenced by others. If we have boundaries, then we can avoid conflicts between our will and the will of others, and it is within my scope that I decide, and within your scope, you decide.
But if we all break the boundaries often, it will inevitably lead to a conflict of wills between some people, and some troubles. While this crossing of boundaries brings a certain sense of intimacy, it also brings some minor trauma. But if the trauma is enough that it is not minor, it can cause serious problems.
This principle is easy to understand, but for Chinese, sometimes we want to establish borders, and we will encounter a difficulty, that is, our behavior of trying to establish borders, sometimes will be felt by others as a kind of distance, feel a kind of intimateness, and even feel a kind of rejection, rejection by you. So, sometimes you want to establish a boundary between people and make the other person feel uncomfortable.
For example, if a young couple doesn't want their mother-in-law to enter the couple's room, they tell him, "Mom, don't come to our room, or if you want to enter our room, if you have something, you should at least knock on the door and wait until we agree to open the door, otherwise it will be very inconvenient, right?"At this point, the mother-in-law may be very angry and say, "What do you two mean?"You two just hate me, you two want to keep me out. It seems that if you have a bad relationship with me, you will understand this as an emotional rejection.
When we went home during the Spring Festival, some relatives inquired about our own affairs, "How did you do in the exam?"How are your grades?Or are you in a relationship now?When are you going to get married?..The young man was very annoyed by these things, and said, "Can you not ask me about these private matters?"The person who asks is going to be very uncomfortable and will say, "What do you mean, you?"Isn't I asking you this because I care about you?If I don't care about you, if it's someone else's family, I don't care if he's dead or alive. The reason why I ask you is precisely because I am a way to show you intimacy. Then you don't let me ask now, what do you mean?You mean you're not going to feel intimate with me, are you?”
So the other party will be very uncomfortable, of course, the more terrible thing is that some people will feel offended and violated their boundaries when others ask about them, but when they ask about others, they feel that I care, and I am not violating your boundaries by doing this. This makes the people around him feel even more uncomfortable. What should I do in this case?
We can see a lot of people on the Internet who have a lot of specific ways to deal with it, and it's kind of funny, and I'm not going to quote their methods here today. I will talk about a very principled thing, which is to say, I think that modern Chinese do not need to allow others to violate their own borders like the ancient Chinese. However, there is no need to be very intense, it is easy to provoke the other party's strong anger to rebel. We can use a very gentle, calm, and good attitude, but make it clear where are my boundaries?I can't bear it if you violate my boundaries within any scale, which scale is fine, and which scale is what we have to look at. That is, where you put your own boundaries, you have to express yourself clearly, and clearly tell the people around you. And you don't quarrel with him, you don't mess with him, but you have to say it every time, and you have to stick to it.
Sometimes when we are very uncomfortable, we resolutely refuse to allow the people around us to violate our borders, and then the next day, we feel a little guilty, ah, it's okay, I can bear it. Are we too strict with the people around us, too strict, we may loosen up? I think this kind of way of sometimes being tight and sometimes loose is a particularly bad way to protect your own boundaries.
Because in this way, the other party will not know where your boundaries are, and to what extent you can tolerate it, the other party will not have a very clear feeling. The other party will think, oh, this all depends on your mood, or the other party thinks that it all depends on whether he is resolute enough, if he is resolute, you will give in, and if he is not resolute, you may not give in. So sometimes he thinks that he has done something, and your opposition just means that he is not resolute enough, and he may be more determined to invade your boundaries at this time. In this case, you will not be able to solve the problem of your own boundaries being invaded by others.
SoTo put it simply, it's about being clear about your boundaries;And then the second is to persistently, long-term, stable, and consistent to stick to the boundaries that we have defined
In this way, even if the people around him are a little unhappy at first, but after a long time, he will slowly accept it. If after a long time, he still resolutely refuses to accept it, and resolutely invades your boundaries fiercely, it means that he has his psychological problems, and that is another matter. Maybe he needs some psychological growth or psychological counseling, but as long as it doesn't reach that level, as long as he is still a person within the normal range, then as long as we stick to the boundary, persistently, firmly, and consistently, after that period of time, he will naturally understand, and then he will naturally be able to establish a good relationship with you with a boundary.
Boundaries, you can be intimate, you can care for each other, and you can be emotional.
end
Let psychological growth come to life.
Let life have temperature.
Author |Zhu Jianjun.
Edit |Nei Xiaoming.